


Learning To Love

by Lill5680



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Anxiety, Character Death, Depression, M/M, Manga Spoilers, Physical Abuse, Self Harm, Sexual Abuse, aot - Freeform, attack on titan - Freeform, erenxlevi - Freeform, ereri, shingeki no kyojin - Freeform, slow relationship build, snk, triggering
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-01-16
Updated: 2015-12-23
Packaged: 2018-03-07 19:33:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 24
Words: 108,034
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3180572
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lill5680/pseuds/Lill5680
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eren, at age 10, lost his mother to his father’s hands, and 7 years later, he’s still being abused by him. At a breaking point, Mikasa and Armin, his two best friends, make him turn in his father to the police. Eren, feeling like he has no one left, becomes depressed and needs help. Mikasa and Armin to the rescue again, send him to a therapist/psychologist who will hopefully help him through these dark days, and help him learn to love again.</p><p> </p><p>This story will be updated only on Fridays (aest) but not necessarily every week.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Learning To Fight

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys. This is my first story. Feedback is much obliged. I will be uploading a chapter on Fridays (aest).

It’s dark. Quiet. I’m in pain.

_Where am I anyway?_

 

I survey my dark surroundings, slowly moving my head as not to worsen the sudden, harsh throb in my head. I notice a faint light illuminating what seems to be an alleyway. I try to sit up but end up groaning in the pain that surges through my entire body.

_What happened to me?_

 

I realise I’m sitting on the hard ground, propped against the brick wall and heavily leaning against it and the dumpster beside me. Slowly coming to my senses, I remember running, or more like escaping, from my house. I was being yelled at by that bastard; my so called “Father”. I remember escaping with the urgency to forget, be distracted, by what he was doing. He came home drunk, in the middle of the night, and barged into my room while I was sleeping, effectively rousing me from my sleep. He dragged himself over to me, yelling at me, commanding me to get up, to turn over and spread myself for his throbbing cock.

I couldn’t do it, I already had a rough day at school; that horsefaced bastard couldn’t keep his muzzle shut. I was already in pain from the few kicks he got to my ribs and stomach. I had bruises and a split lip from the few hits he managed to get to my face. But rest assured, he looks much worse than me. I never leave a fight without coming out on top, even if we do end up getting separated by teachers; I’m more experienced than he is; I have skill. I have practise from the times that I try to defy my father, keep what little dignity I have left. But it’s no use against him, especially when he’s drunk.

 

_I scrambled away from his hands, to the other side of my single, creaky bed. I kicked at his hands. I wouldn’t let him touch me tonight. Not on this day. No. 7 years ago, on this day, I lost the closest person to me. The most treasured person I held dear to me, my mother, to_ His _hands. Those bloodstained, drunk hands killed her. Beat her and strangled her, while I stood there. I stood there and cried, screamed at him to stop. I tried to help, to get him off her, but he threw me away, smashed me against the wall. I looked over to my mother with fear and pain in my eyes, what I saw broke my heart, my soul. She was crumpled on the floor, tears streaking across her face and raining on the floor. Her face was sporting dark bruises and her mouth was stained red with her blood._

_She looked at me with pain in her eyes, the eyes that made the bright hazel/brown colour of my left eye; the other was a green/blue that was inherited from_ Him _. She screamed at me with urgency, telling me to run, to get away while I can. But I couldn’t, I couldn’t just leave her like this. I had to help her. I scramble up from the floor with all my strength, my shoulders and able struggling with the effort._

 

Looking back on it now, I know there wasn’t anything I could possibly do. What do you expect a 10 year old child to do to save his mother from his father, whom was a peaceful character their whole life? Not much he can do right? But of course, this is Eren Jaeger we’re talking about, he has a burning flame in his soul ( as his mother put it ) and he never gives up.

 

_When I managed to get up, I charged at my father, whom had returned to mother, and started kicking and hitting his back in a futile attempt at stopping him. Father turned around, picked me up around my neck and carried me to my room, throwing me in on the floor, snarling at me to_ ‘stay the fuck put’ _and slamming the door, locking it as he leaves, to presumably finish of my mother. I sit against my unmade bed on the floor, clutching my legs to my chest, hearing in the background my mother’s wails, her pleads for him to stop. When I hear one last thud and then silence, I know it’s over. She’s gone. He killed her._

_I don’t feel anything. I don’t feel sad. I simply stand up from my position on the floor, stretch my legs a bit, then collapse onto my bed, falling into the deepest sleep I’ve ever had since then._

I remember managing to dodge away from my father, escaping his clutch, and running. I ran as far as I could go with no specific destination in mind. My eyesight a blur of red, black and white, I ran and didn’t look back. I recall stumbling upon a bar, entering without difficulty since I look older than I am, and drinking. Drinking until I couldn’t form any coherent thoughts. The rest was a bit of blur, but I think I remember a man sitting down beside me, resting his hand on thigh and offering for him to get my mind off of whatever was troubling me. Then there’s an even worse blur of hands, more than one person’s hard throbbing heat against my mouth, against my ass and in my hands. Then stickiness over my face in my hands and in my ass. Saltiness on my tongue. Then being dumped in this alleyway.

So I was gang raped. Great. Get out of one and into another. Nice going Jaeger. Four for you Eren Jaeger!

Summoning all my strength and courage, I manage to sit up properly and stand. Ignoring the ache between my legs, I bend down to pick up my pants and slug into them. I check that I have my keys and phone, they never leave my person and luckily in my haste to get out, I remembered them. I pick out my phone and wince from the bright light as I turn it on. I go through the few contacts I have and click on one, hoping they’d pick up at this time, which I realised it’s 3:46am.

 

“Eren?” the groggy voice of one of my two best friends, Armin, answers.

 

“Armin, thank god”, I notice that my voice is strained and my throat is disgustingly dry. Clearing my throat, I continue, “Armin, he, he tried it again, but I couldn’t, I just couldn’t let him, not today, n-not…” my voice cracks and I feel the tears and anger boil up in me.

 

“Are you ok?! Where are you? I can come and pick you up now, you can stay over tonight.” Armin, along with my other best friend, Mikasa, is the only person to know of what happened to my mother, and what continuously happens to me. I trust those two with every fibre of my being, I don’t know what I’d do without them.

 

“I-I’m in an alleyway, next to a club, I-I’ll check the name, one sec," I scurry to get out of the alleyway and onto the street. I barely recognise where I am at all, I only recall passing through this street in the car, and I realise I’ve managed to run quite far from my house, at least a 20 minute drive away. I look up at the bright lights of the club and read the sign ‘ The Dancing Penguin’. _That’s a strange name, I don’t think I’ve seen it before, must_ _be new,_ I thought. “I’m outside The Dancing Penguin club, I’m so s-sorry for disturbing you Armin, thank you so much, I love you.”

 

“Ok, I know where that is, I’ll be there soon, don’t move ok. I love you too.” Replying with and ‘ok’, I end the call and slump against the wall at the front of the club, sliding down to sit and letting my thoughts swarm me. _I really do love my friendship with Armin and Mikasa, they’re like a brother and sister to me. We can say that we love each other and not take it the wrong way. I hope I didn’t disturb too much of his sleep._

I feel my eyelids getting heavier which each passing thought, slowly closing. Before I knew it, I fell asleep leaning against the front of the club.


	2. Learning To Hate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren stays at Armin's house for the night and the next day at school, Mikasa and Armin manage to convince Eren to do what is right.

I hear screaming. A woman’s screams. Sitting up in bed, I rub the sleepiness from my eyes at the abrupt awakening. I hear the screams yet again and this time, I hear a man’s yelling as well. It’s nearby; I think they’re in my house. In the groggy haze of my mind I don’t think anything of it, until I hear a slap of skin against skin, then a thud; supposedly a person being knocked to the ground.

Now I’m more awake, and the screams and yells continue. Focusing my still sleep hued mind, I listen to the voices. They sound familiar, but I can’t decipher what they’re saying. The woman yells again, this time clearer, “Get off me!” _Mum? Why is she telling someone to get off her?_

“Don’t tell me what to do bitch! Turn the fuck around and spread that tight pussy for me!” _That man, he sounds like my dad. But why would he say something like that?_ _What does that even mean?_

Swinging my legs to the side of the bed, I put my feet in my slippers as the floors are still a bit cold, and proceed to stand up. I groggily stand up, walk to my door and open it. Poking my head around the slightly ajar door, I notice the kitchen light on and head towards it.

“Don’t fucking defy me whore!” ‘Slap’. I hear another thud and see my mother’s hand supporting her from where she fell. _Why is mother falling?_

“Mama?” I notice her freeze and then my father walks around the corner and looks at me. He has a bit of a sway to his movements and has to lean against the wall for support.

“Go back to bed you little shit, you’re mother and I are talking.” He snarls at me with a slur. He reeks of a strange, strong smell.

“But why did Mama fall?” I take a few steps closer to see my mother and he puts a hand against my chest to stop me, but I can see her clearly now. She has bruises forming along her arms and face. That’s when I realise what’s going on. Papa is hurting Mama. I can’t let him do this! I shove past him easily since he wasn’t expecting it and proceed to my mother. “Mama! Are you ok? What did he do to you?”

I’m suddenly yanked by the back of my collar and lifted off the ground and turned to my father’s face. “I thought I told you to go back to your fucking room!” He bellows in my face. I cower, still in his hold, suspended in the air. I can’t let him do this to Mama anymore! I summon up the courage and straighten myself in his hold. I begin to kick and hit at him, yelling for him to leave mother alone, to put me down.

 

_“Kid.”_ I spit at his face.

_“Oi, brat.”_ He starts to fade away; voices are taunting me, saying that I still couldn’t save her.

“Oi! You shitty brat, wake up! What the fuck is wrong?”

“NO!” I jolt up straight and in my sleepy haze, I strike out at whoever is in front of me, thinking it’s my father.

“Ow! What the fuck you fucking brat!” Whoever this person is that’s in front of me, it’s not my father. I focus on the person in my immediate view, whom is kneeling and clutching at their face; more specifically: their nose. “Aaah, you fucking asshole, what the fuck! You broke my mother fucking nose!” I notice that the man in front of me has now straightened up, more or less, still holding his nose.

“Uhh… s-sorry about that. I, uh, kinda thought, you were, uh, someone… else…” I trail off and rub the back of my neck in a nervous gesture. I’m still leaning against the wall and so decide to stand so I can regard him properly. “M-my name is Eren by the way.”

As I stand to my full height of 5’7” (170cm), I notice that he’s fairly short, and really attractive, even if he has blood dripping from his hand out of his nose and is glaring at me. He has short, black hair styled in an undercut with the strands hanging over his face, parted in the middle. His dark hair clashes with his fair, white skin that looks smooth to the touch. _I wonder if he’d let me test that theory?_ He’s wearing a dark coat that looked like it was made of a soft material and dark jeans that looked too tight to be comfortable, but they framed everything that counts.

“Did I ask for your fucking name, retard? No. Who the fuck would you need to hit at first glance anyway?” I opened my mouth, breathed in some air, about to reply that he didn’t need to know, but he cut me off. “No, nope, I don’t care. I don’t need to know about some shitty brat’s problems.” I was starting to hate this guy more and more by the second and I had just met him. I’m feeling less and less sorry for hitting him as well, asshole deserves it, even if it was uncalled for and is probably why he’s in such a horrid mood. I opened my mouth, ready to retaliate, when I was yet again cut off.

“Eren! Thank god!” Armin, he’s finally here.

“I guess that’s my cue, I hope to never see you again brat.” He walks off, still holding his nose, and I’m just left there with Armin running up to get me.

“Eren, are you ok? Who was that?” He panted, slightly bent over with his hands resting on his knees.

“I don’t know, but I kinda punched him in the face when I woke up, thinking it was dad. He’s an ass anyway, deserved it. I’m fine, can we just go to your place, I don’t really feel like talking right now.”

He stared at my face for a bit before nodding and walking to where he must have parked his car. He’s such a goody-two-shoes, won’t even park on the side of the road to pick up his desperately in need friend. We turn a corner and he leads me into a small car park behind one of the clubs and to his car. He unlocks it and we both shuffle in.

“You can sleep in my bed if you want, I can take the floor or the couch”, I nod to show that I heard him and he continues, “Eren… you need to do something about your dad.” I open my mouth to object but he rushes to stop me. “I know you don’t want to ‘cuz he said he’d kill you and he’s still your father and all, but this can’t go on. You fear him Eren, your own father, to the point where you’d punch a random stranger that you thought was him.”

He ends his explanation and focuses nervously on the road, anxiously waiting for my reply. “Armin, I know you’re just trying to help, and I love you for it, but I can’t. He’s still my father and I just can’t do that to him. He has his own problems to deal with, and yeah, he killed Ma and a-abuses me, but he’s my only family I have left.” I fidget in my seat and Armin goes to respond but I don’t let him. “Look, can, can we just leave this alone. I’m tired and really don’t feel like having this conversation right now.”

“Ok, fine. But we will talk about it eventually ok.” We spend the rest of the 30minute drive back to his place in silence. When we arrive, we both get out of the car and head inside and up to his room. I’ve been here enough to know my way to his room without help.

“You can take the bed; I’ll just go get a blanket and a pillow so I can sleep on the floor. Be right back.” I stop him before he leaves, seeing no reason for him to sleep on the floor.

“It’s fine. We can share the bed if you don’t mind. I, uh, kinda don’t want to be alone right now anyway.” Armin and I aren’t the type of guys to go ‘No homo!’ at every touch we make and have slept in the same bed before. We both regard each other like brothers and don’t think anything of it.

“You sure you don’t mind?” I nod my head in affirmation and he replies with an ‘ok’. We both settle down onto his bed underneath the covers and simply lay next to each other on the bed.

“Thank you Armin. For picking me up. And caring about me. And just everything.” I turn to him to give him a hug then say goodnight then turn back over so my back is facing him.

“It’s ok Eren. Anything for my best friend. Night.” He turns over so now we’re back to back and we both fall asleep.

 

I wake up with a feeling of disorientation. I suddenly remember what happened last night and whose house I’m in. I look around and realise Armin’s not in the bed anymore. Feeling a random sense of loneliness, I get up from the bed and make my way out of his room. Heading down the hallway, I smell a delicious aroma coming from the kitchen.

“Ah, morning Eren, did you sleep well? Armin told me that something happened last night and you stayed over. I hope you’re ok now. Don’t worry, I won’t ask what happened, I’m sure it’s personal.” Armin’s grandad, the amazingly thoughtful person, was cooking what looked to be eggs and bacon, supposedly for breakfast.

“Uh, yeah, I slept well, thanks. Um thanks for understanding and for letting me stay over all of a sudden.” I sit down on the other side of the kitchen bench so I can still see and talk to him without awkwardly hovering.

“Oh no it’s fine! You’re practically like my nephew or something with the amount of time you’re here. I hope you like eggs and bacon. Here you go.” He places down a plate with eggs and bacon and sets out some cutlery for me to use. “Do you want some orange juice? Or apple juice? Perhaps just water?”

“Apple juice is fine thank you.” He goes about getting a cup and pouring some apple juice for me, talking as he did.

“Armin’s just in the shower, he shouldn’t be too long.” He gives, me my drink and serves up two more plates before sitting down next to me with his own meal and eating. About 2 minutes later, Armin walks in, fresh out of the shower and in clean clothes, and gets his own plate, sitting at the empty seat beside me.

“I see you’re awake now Eren. Will you be going to school today? I can find some clothes that’ll probably fit you if you want.”

“Ah, I probably should eh? Yeah, I’ll borrow some clothes if that’s alright with you.”

“Yep, sure!” We finish eating and clean our plates. We head back to Armin’s room and he searches his wardrobe for something that might fit me since he’s quite smaller than me. _Come to think of it, that guy from last night is the same height as Armin. Wait, why am I thinking of that asshole at this moment?!_ “Eren? You alright? I found an old shirt and baggy jeans that should fit you.” Snapped out of my thoughts, I look at Armin who is holding out clothes to me.

“Uh, yeah, thanks. Um, sorry, I was kinda spacing out.” I take the clothes from his hands and quickly change. I don’t really get self-conscious, especially in front of my best friends. It’s not like it’s anything Armin hasn’t seen before. I notice that he’s given me an old ACDC shirt and snug fitting grey-wash jeans. They must be baggy on him. Well they’re comfortable so it’s fine,

He nods at my clothes then he hands me a spare bag and a notebook in case I actually take notes for once, then packs his own bag and we set out, saying goodbye to his grandad as we leave. We ride in Armin’s car in a comfortable silence on the way to school and as Armin parks in the school’s parking lot, I see a figure standing not too far away and notice it’s Mikasa. When she sees us, she starts walking over with a slight urgency.

“I, uh, told her what happened last night. She’s going to want to know what happened and you won’t be able to get out of this one.” Armin says as we get out of the car. As soon as I close the door, I’m tackled in a suffocating hug and bombarded with millions of questions that I don’t even try to answer.

“Eren! Are you ok!? Did he hurt you? Did he touch you? Did you get away in time? You didn’t get drunk at that club last night did you? Did you sleep well? Are those Armin’s clothes? Did you eat? Do you want me to buy you some food?”

“Mikasa, I’m fine, I got out before he touched me, it’s ok.” I grab her forearms to control her and hold her at a close distance but still with space between us.

“I’m going to kill that bastard,” her face changed from worry to fury in a matter of seconds, I was even scared for a second. “Eren, we’re calling the cops, I don’t care what you say. Yes, he’s your father, but he’s only your father because you are his sperm that fertilised your mother’s egg,” I cringe at the lack of etiquette and straight forwardness Mikasa had, “Above all this he obviously doesn’t act like a father and resemble a fatherly figure. If you need, you can live with my family, or possibly Armin’s, but please Eren, stop doing this to yourself.”

I let what Mikasa said sink in. Yeah, he’s not really my father apart from being the one that made me and houses me. I guess I could live with either of them if I need to. I sigh and give up. This has been going on for 7 years. It’s time to put a stop to it. “Fine, we’ll call the cops, but later, after school.” Armin and Mikasa’s faces lit up like they were told everything will be free from now on and they both tackled me in a hug.

“This is great Eren! You’re finally going to be free from that douchebag!” Armin exclaims. They both let go of me and, with massive grins on all our faces, we each separately head for our first class of the day.

_This could be good. Like a new beginning._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Second chapter is up! Hope you guys enjoy it. Feedback is appreciated. Remember I'm posting once a week on Fridays.


	3. Learning To Forget

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren gets a new start in life with a new chance but, when someone he hates is going to interfere, he decides to distract himself.

There’s a tight pain in my chest. My breathing is heavily laboured. Armin and Mikasa are both sitting either side of me, Armin holding my hand and Mikasa has her hand on my knee. They’re both giving me supporting looks as I hold my mobile to my ear.

“911, what is your emergency?” A female voice answers the call and I just about hang up on her. Mikasa, seeing my hesitation, squeezes my knee and nods in encouragement.

“Um, hi, uh… I – my father, he, he has been abusing me… for 7 years, is this where I can turn him in?” My voice is shaky and uncertain. _Was I supposed to call a different number for this sort of thing since it didn’t just happen?_

“Yes, this is where you can turn him in. Please state your name, your age and your father’s name please. Also please state what type of abuse he was inflicting on you.”

“M-my name is Eren Jaeger and I am 17. My father’s name is Grisha Jaeger. He was s-sexually, physically and verbally abusing me. He, he also murdered my mother when I was 10, and he’s been doing this ever since.”

“Thank you Sir. Are you at your residence where you live with him at this moment Sir?”

“No. Last night I ran away and am staying at a friends’ house.”

“Ok. May you please give me the address of the current house that your father is at?”

“Yes, he’s at 36, Shinganshina Lane, Maria.”

“Thank you Sir. We will now send out a team to go and arrest him. Have a nice day.” I end the call and Mikasa and Armin both look at me with hopeful, questioning looks.

“They’re, they’re gonna get him. We did it. He’s going to jail. M-my dad is going to jail. It’s all over. It’s finally over.” I let go a sigh and they both jump on me with joy.

“You did it Eren!” Armin is swaying us with the biggest grin on his face that I can’t help but return. We’re all sitting in Mikasa’s room on her bed. We’d decided to come here since she lives at a walking distance from school, which we had just come from.

“My parents said that you can stay with us if you wanted since we have a spare bedroom with closet space. You can bring whatever items that you have when that bastard isn’t there anymore.” Mikasa looks me in the eyes, reassuring me that everything will be fine and I have a place to stay. She had explained, without letting out my secret, to her parents what happened when we all arrived and they said it was all fine with them.

“Thank you Mikasa. What would I do without you guys?” I hug them both to me again and we all just sit there until there’s a knock at the door.

“Kids? You all ok? I just wanted to know if Eren and Armin are staying for dinner since it’s ready. We have plenty for all." Mikasa’s mum is one of the loveliest people you’d ever meet. She’s always willing to help others before herself; I guess that’s where Mikasa gets it from then. Mikasa looks at Armin and I with a look that practically asks ‘so are you guys gonna eat here or nah?’ I let Armin answer first since it’s kinda obvious that I am.

“Yeah, I guess I’ll stay for dinner. But it’s too dark to go back to the school to pick up my car. Do you think I could stay tonight perhaps? I could bunk with Eren if he doesn’t mind.” I look at Armin and shrug my shoulders along with a little nod of my head to show that I don’t mind.

“That’s fine Armin. Eren, I guess it’s kinda a given that you’re staying for dinner, huh?” I chuckle at the obviousness and nod my head once again. “Ok then! Let’s go wash our hands and head over to dinner then. Ma! Armin and Eren are both staying for dinner and staying the night!” Mikasa calls out to her mother to let her know and we all get up to wash our hands and head to dinner which was a delicious roast beef with vegetables.

“This looks delicious, Mrs Ackerman! Thank you!” I say as I sit down at the table and look at the meal in front of me. As I put some food in my mouth, I moan in delight at the delicious taste that explodes on my tongue. Hiding her laughter behind her hand, Mikasa’s mother replies.

“Oh thank you Eren, I’m glad you like it. I prepared the bed in the spare room for you boys. Sorry we only have one bed, but luckily it’s a double so you’ll both fit, unless one of you would prefer to sleep on the couch?” At the shake of mine and Armin’s head, she continues. “Mikasa informed me earlier that something suddenly came up with your father Eren and that you may have to stay for a fair bit? Well whatever it is, you can stay here for as long as you need, and if it comes to it, you can even live with us if you’d like. You’re always welcome here sweetheart.” At her exclamation and generosity, I feel tears begin to prick at the back of my eyes, but I shall not let them pass. I’m stronger than that.

“Thank you Mrs Ackerman. I really appreciate it. And with how it seems, I more than likely will be living with you guys.” At this, Mr Ackerman replies.

“That’s fine son! As the Mrs said, you’re more than welcome here any day; you’re practically like a son to us. You too Armin, you can stay as long as you need to as well.” At the mention of his name, Armin perks up out of his daze and scurries to swallow the food in his mouth to reply.

“Thank you Sir! But I’ll only be staying the one night since we left my car at school. I’ll keep the offer in mind though! Thank you!” Oh Armin, the ever grateful little coconut head. So adorable. We finish eating and clean up our plates then head to our respective sleeping areas, Armin and I both going to the spare bedroom.

“Ha, looks like we’re sleeping in the same bed again. Luckily this bed is bigger than yours. Less squishy.” I was simply talking for the sake of dodging the impending topic. We’ve slept in the same bed heaps of times ever since we were kids, no point in pointing out the obvious. He obviously caught on with what I was trying to do and gave a look that said ‘are you serious right now Eren?’

“Eren, if you don’t wanna talk about it, it’s fine. We don’t have to until you’re ready or it’s absolutely necessary ok? And, quite frankly, I’m pretty tired, so let’s get to sleep and leave this for another day. I just need to text grandpa where I am first though.” I settle down on the bed under the covers whilst Armin texts his grandpa when Mikasa walks in.

“Hey, just letting you know that there are towels and spare toothbrushes for you guys in the bathroom if you want to have a shower and brush your teeth. Night boys, see you in the morning.”

“Thanks Mikasa, sleep well.” I reply as Armin waves to her and she leaves. Armin puts his phone down and hops into the bed next to me, wishing me a goodnight before turning off the lamp on the bedside table and going to sleep. I turn over so my back is facing him and fall into a much needed sleep.

 

“Eren.” Mum?

“Eren, it’s time to get up.” Just a few more minutes Mumma.

“Eren, come on we need to go to school.” No, that’s not Mumma. Why would she be going to school with me? The voice is different as well. She’s also dead.

“EREN!” ‘Splash.’ I bolt awake and sit up. I’m soaked in freezing cold water.

“What the fuck Armin?! You could have woken me up normally you know!”

“I tried that but you mumbled something and turned over! Plus Mikasa wanted to do this to you at least once. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t either.” I glare at Armin and look to the door to see Mikasa hiding her laugh behind her hand. I stand up from the bed and head out to the bathroom, mumbling to Mikasa that I’d have to borrow some of her clothes for school as I walk past her. I head into the bathroom, have a quick shower and when I step out, I notice my wet clothes missing and clean ones folded in their place.

Quickly towelling myself dry, I pick up the clothes and see a pair of dark jeans and a light blue t-shirt. _Must be Mikasa’s._ I chuck the clothes on, brush my teeth with one of the spare toothbrushes and try to fix my birds’ nest of a hair. Deeming it a lost cause, I walk out of the bathroom and am greeted with the smell of pancakes.

“Good morning dear, did you sleep well and have a nice shower?” Mrs Ackerman was in the kitchen, standing over a frying pan, with a spatula in her hand. She must be the cause of the wonderful smell. _Mmm, pancakes._

“Yea I had a great sleep and shower, thanks. But I didn’t wake up too well.” I shot a glare to Mikasa and Armin whom were sitting on the other side of the kitchen bench. They raise their hands in mock innocence and Mikasa points at her mum, as if saying it was her. I look to her with a subtle hint of bewilderment on my face and she gives me a sheepish smile. At that point, Mr Ackerman walks in, chuckling to himself.

“Ha ha, ah yes, she is quite mischievous, isn’t she?” I look at everyone now with a look that said they’re all traitors. I throw my hands up in the air in exasperation and walk over to Armin and Mikasa and take the free seat next to Mikasa.

“Heh, sorry Eren dear, I noticed the trouble they were having with waking you up so I suggested the idea.” She sent me an apologetic smile as she set a plate down in front of each of us and a stack of pancakes in the middle, along with chocolate sauce, sugar, lemons and other sweets to put on them. We each say thank you for the meal and quickly finish so we can head off to school. Finishing, we clean our plates, pack our bags and say farewell as we all head out the door, walking to school.

We walk in a comfortable silence, neither of us feeling the need the fill the silence, and I’m left to my thoughts that swarm through my head.

_I have no family left now. What am I supposed to do now? I mean, sure, I have Armin and Mikasa there for me, but, I don’t have any family. No one to show my successes to, to be grandparents to my future children. Who am I supposed to look up to? To learn from?_

“Eren? Are you ok? We’re at school already and you’ve just been standing there for the past minute.” I look up at Armin whom had spoken to me and snap back into reality.

“Ah, sorry, lost in my thoughts, let’s go to class shall we?” Armin and Mikasa look at each other then turn around and we all head to our first class.

 

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

**3 Weeks Later**

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

           

I’m sitting in class, wanting to be anywhere but here, and we’re all waiting for our marks back from our recent test. I know I’ve flunked it even before Mr Bozardo handed me my sheet back, regarding that he was very disappointed in me. I looked at the top right hand corner of my page and saw a big red F next to a score of 1 out of 50. I have to hand it to him though; I’m disappointed in myself as well.

I used to ace my French class, most of my classes I aced for that matter, but ever since I put my father in jail, the police had no hesitation in taking him in as he confessed what he did, my grades had all been plummeting. I just don’t see the point in going to school if we’re just all gonna be failures anyway. Plus, we all end up dying eventually, what’s the point in putting in the effort if it all just goes to waste?

Mikasa has also been worried about my eating habits, saying that I need to eat more. What can I say though, I’m simply not hungry. You can’t force someone to eat when they simply don’t have the appetite for it.

The bell goes, signalling the end of school and I put away all my stuff and stand to leave so I can meet up with Mikasa to head home. Walking to the corner where Mikasa and I meet, I notice her there with a horse, uh, Jean, standing next to her. Those two have been spending more and more time with each other and it’s really starting to piss me the fuck off.

“Hey Eren, Jean will be coming over today so we can study ok. Oh, and how did you do on your test? You guys got your marks back today right?” Mikasa says to me as if there’s nothing wrong with the picture I’m seeing in front of me. Her and Jean are standing too close for comfort; their shoulders are touching and, looking down at their hands, they’re practically holding. Study my ass. I don’t exactly want to be in the same room as them this afternoon, much less be in the same house. Sending a glare Jean’s way, I answer.

“Yeah, sure, I think I’ll go out today, take a walk. I have my phone and set of keys so you don’t have to worry about me. Can you take my bag home with you though? And I didn’t do so well on my test, failed actually.” Mikasa and Jean look at each other, the latter giving a subtle wink and grin to the former and I grimace as my nightmares come true right in front of me. I almost pounce on him and bash his face in but I hold myself back.

“That’s fine. You need to get your act together Eren. You can’t keep getting these marks. You sure you’ll be ok?” Mikasa leans a bit closer to Jean and I feel the bile rising in the back of my throat.

“I’m ok, thanks Mikasa. If I need anything, which I’m sure I won’t, I’ll call, ok?” I hand my bag to her and she nods. They turn around and start walking in the direction of her house. I turn, and start walking in the direction of the main street, where all the clubs are. I need to forget and distract myself from what will more than likely be happening between those two.

I walk for about 20, maybe 40 minutes, I wasn’t really paying attention, could’ve been a few hours for all I know, when I come across a club that I’ve never seen before. I look up at the glowing sign, now noticing it’s already dark out, and read ‘Ailes De La Liberté’ as the name of the club. If I recall properly from French class, that translates to wings of freedom, that’s a strange name for a club.

I go up to the entrance and the security stops me, asking for my I.D. card. I hand them my fake card and the Gods must’ve shone down on me because I managed to get past the massive walls of muscle and into the club. What I saw, was not what I was expecting to walk in to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 3 is up! Hope you guys like it. Let me know what you think in the comments.


	4. Learning To Kiss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren meets a familiar, grumpy man, they both drink way too much and get a bit hot. But will they get all the way?

It was bright. Yet dark at the same time. There was a bar to my left that had a male server dressed in a white button up with a black vest over the top and dark slacks for pants. He was talking to a random person that I couldn’t care less about. Looking to the front (or back, however you see it) of the club, I see a well-lit stage with a pole in the middle of the walkway that juts out into the array of tables and chairs.

_Great, I’ve managed to stumble into a strip club. Of-fucking-course I did._

I walk up to the bar, taking note that there weren’t many people in the club at all, and ask the bartender, who was no longer talking to the stranger and just cleaning a glass, for a bourbon and coke. He nods and sets off to fulfil my request. I take that chance to sit down and observe the club even more.

The chairs were an amazingly pristine clean black leather couch, yet soft to sit, and the tables were a small, round black with a metal pole to match the base of the chairs. These sets were arranged around the outer side of the club so as not to block anyone’s view of the front, they were simply for comfort, a drink, and if you wanted to see a show. The tables and chairs at the front were simpler, yet a no less appealing and comfortable design. The chairs being a black leather cushion as the seat and back rest and the legs being metal, the tables were the same design as the others.

The bartender comes back with my drink and I thank him, taking a few sips, humming in content, then looking to the bartender to start a conversation, cradling my drink in my hands. “So what time does the show start?” Nodding my head in the direction of the stage to emphasise my question

“The show normally starts around 8:00 but tonight it’s starting earlier to fit in our special performer.” He winks at me and I wonder who this ‘special performer’ could be. I check my phone and realise it’s actually 7:13. _Must’ve taken longer than I thought to walk here then, whoops._

“What type of performances do you guys do here?

“Well this club is open to all types of sexual orientation, we will not allow any type of discrimination here, so if you’re going to be like that, I’d advise you to leave now or the co-manager will give you a handful, and trust me, you don’t want to be on the receiving end of that.” Nodding my head to acknowledge what he’s said, he goes on. “Ok, good. The types of shows that are performed here are pole, simple dance and strip, but not always strip, drag queens, singing, and for those kinkier people, we also have BDSM shows, and before you ask, yes, those do include live sex of any sexuality.”

At that moment, a short, dark haired man walks up and leans on the bar. “Give me a gin and tonic, Auruo will ya.” _That voice sounds familiar._ I look over to the man and study his features. He has a sharp chin and a strong jawline from the side view that I can get of him. As if feeling my eyes on him, he looks over to me and now I know where I know him from. I guess he recognises me as well because he glares at me, _if looks could kill,_ and snarls. “What the fuck are you doing in here?”

Shocked from his use of language and abruptness since I didn’t quite get used to it on our first encounter, I just stare at him in bewilderment. Coming to the conclusion that this complete stranger is a dick to everyone, I sassily reply. “Oh, I’m sorry; I didn’t know I wasn’t allowed to go out to clubs, more or less one that you go to. Is this your club or something asshole?” Quite pleased with my remark, I take my drink in hand again and sip at it, waiting for him to reply.

“As a matter of-fucking-fact, I do own this club you shitty brat, and I won’t have a people abuser in here, so-” Slamming my drink down on the bar so forcefully a small crack forms and most of the drink sloshes around and out, I stand from my stool abruptly, knocking it over, and practically growl at him, cutting the raven-haired man off. I gesture wildly with my arms as I bark at him.

“You don’t even fucking KNOW me and you’re calling me a mother-fucking abuser?! Ok I get it that you are an uncontrollable fucking asshat and I accidentally punched you in the face when I had woken up from a nightmare,” at this point the bartender had long gone and the asshole being addressed’s eyes had widened a tad from my outburst, “and thought you were somebody-fucking-else, but that does not, in ANYWAY what-so-ever, give you the fucking right to call me an abuser.” Finishing my rant, I’m panting from yelling and getting riled up. _He doesn’t even fucking know me, who does he think he is?!_ There’s no going back from the amount of rage he has brewed up inside of me.

Raising his hands in innocent submission, he calmly, but with an asshole attitude, replies. “Ok, I see this is obviously a sore spot for you. It was only a joke. Does your poorly educated mind comprehend what a joke is brat?” he lowers his hands back down to his sides and mine are clenched into fists by my side, ready to strike at any given moment. His silvery-grey eyes glance down at my fists and he gives me a warning look, glaring into my wrath filled eyes. “Don’t even think about it kid. Let me remind you since you most likely weren’t listening, but I do own this club, so I can easily have you kicked out and banned, though you shouldn’t even be here since you’re still in high school and under aged aren’t you?”

Half listening to what the raven-haired man was even saying, I catch something about him being the owner of the club then completely tune out, my thoughts pondering about that information. _The bartender had said that this club was basically a sex club, or erotic club for better terms. Since he’s the owner of this club, that would mean he’s into this stuff right? He’s probably experienced in bed; practically a sex god. And he’s fairly attractive. Wait. No. He’s not. He’s an ass that has no feelings or boundaries. You are not attracted to him what-so-ever._

“Are you even fucking listening, you dumb shit?”

“Yeah, you’re the owner of the club and an asshat, what else is new?” He glares at my remark and if looks could kill.

“You wanker, I don’t even know why I should put up with your shit, I should just kick you out now, save me from looking at your face any longer than necessary. But no, I’m nice. I’ll give you one chance ok?” He raises one finger and a thin, black eyebrow to go with it to emphasise his point and I warily nod my head for him to say his compromise. “Ok, so you understand English, that’s good. Alright, so, you be nice to me for once and not be a fucking brat ok? And don’t you dare start any fights in here, or I will immediately kick your under aged ass out of my club and tell every single other club in the area, or even state, to never let you in even when you reach legal age, and trust me; I can do this, I have connections.”

I mused over his deal, not believing what a load of shit that just came out of his mouth. He just asked me to be nice to him for once. I was always fucking nice to him. He was the jerk that couldn’t accept an apology for an innocent accident then took things too far. But then again, if I don’t be supposedly nicer to him, I can’t go to anymore clubs in the area, or even possibly state. Now I don’t know these connections that he supposedly has, but I do not want to risk it.

“Fine, I’ll start being ‘nice to you for once’ and you won’t tell all the other clubs about me. But you need to be nice to me as well alright.”

“I was being nice to you, you ungrateful shit. Whatever, I won’t warn the clubs about you and you can stay here. Don’t start any fights. Now I’ve got to go get ready for my show and stop wasting my time here.” He walks away, heading to a room in the back and I then realise that the club is now crowded with men and women alike.

_I wonder what he meant by getting ready for a show. Is he performing? I wonder what he’ll do._

Finishing my drink, I order another one and look to the stage as the lights go out and one focuses on the middle of the stage, at the pole. The club presenter announces that they have a special treat for everyone tonight and to get ready for their ‘Heichou’. All the club starts cheering and wolf-whistling for whoever is about to perform on the stage.

At that point the curtain is pushed aside by a short dark haired man, whom I recognise to be the ravenet that I had been speaking to earlier and as he walks down the stage a [song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BQWX9GInZTA&spfreload=10) starts up and he starts mouthing the lyrics and moving to the beat and dancing to fit the words.

****

**_Yo check it out I’ve a plan,_ **

**_Here’s, my intention,_ **

**_The frat boys in the club are lame,_ **

**_Let’s start, an altercation._ **

 

He mouths the words and struts down towards the pole, swaying his hips and smirking at the people in the crowd who are whooping for him. He’s completely different when he’s on stage; he’s 100x more cheeky and 1000x more sexy and sassy.

 

**_It’s just what, I’m used to_ **

**_Just, wanna fuck shit up_ **

**_I’ve got my, whole damn crew,_ **

**_Come on, whatcha gon’ do?_ **

****

At this line, he’s walked down to the pole and grabs it, grinding against it as the next verse starts up.

 

**_I kissed a boy and I liked it,_ **

**_Got all the honeys in the club excited._ **

**_I kissed a boy just to start shit,_ **

**_And homeboy was not about it._ **

****

He wraps his leg around the pole and swings around it, wrapping his other leg around it and grinding himself against it even more, effectively making the crowd groan and throw money at him. He leans down backwards with his legs still wrapped around the pole, causing his head to be close to the ground and his back against the pole.

 

**_I know it’s wrong_ **

**_But I don’t mind_ **

**_I’m gonna start shit tonight_ **

****

He grabs the black leather vest he’s wearing with nothing underneath, teasing everyone with his 8 pack of abs, and pulls it out and against his nipples, defining his pecks even more and making people groan in sexual need. He then grabs the pole above his legs, lifting himself up, spins once then grinds off.

 

**_I kissed a boy_ **

**_Just to start shit_ **

**_Bitches loved it_ **

****

He grabs the front band of his black leather shorts that only cover his crotch and perfectly frame his ass and rolls his body. The shorts are so tight on him that I wonder how he even fit into them. He has an erotic face on, like he himself actually is getting turned on by this, and he looks out over the crowd and fixes his stormy, grey eyes on me, biting his lip to disguise his small smirk that threatened to pull at his lips. I raise my glass at him and nod. Indicating that he won in surprising me.

He finished the song by grabbing his crotch and thrusting then proceeds to the backstage. Around 5 or maybe 10 minutes later, I’m on my 5th drink since the man left, when the now erotic dancer arrives and sits down next to me, ordering his own drink and turns to me in his seat when he receives it. I turn to him as well with my own drink in hand and raise an eyebrow. Everything is a bit fuzzy to my senses but I can still make coherent thoughts, albeit still jumbled, and make out his features. He hadn’t gotten changed from his stage clothes and I can now see his defined chest and abs up close. His ass also looks like it was chiselled by the Greek gods themselves.

He smirks at me and takes a sip from his glass and I do the same then put it down. “So now you’re a stripper and an asshole, yet I still don’t know your name. Except for ‘Heichou’. Should I just call you that? Heichou? What does that even mean?” I question the ravenet.

Said man raises an eyebrow at me and glares. I shiver in my seat even though I’m quite heated. “It’s Japanese for Corporal. I wouldn’t expect your thick skull to know that though. You’re going to have to earn the privilege of learning my name brat. I don’t give my name out to any random shitty brat on the street. So yes, you shall call me Heichou for now.” I pout at him and take another sip from my drink, my mind is fairly hazy now but I understood what he said.

“Ok then _He-i-chou,_ why did you choose to have that as your stage name?” He smirks, takes a gulp of his drink then replies.

“You don’t have the privilege of knowing that information you shitty brat. Why are you here, drinking your face off, on a school night no less?”

“That is none of your concern. And I’m not a brat, so stop calling me one.” I looked to the ground as I replied then back up to his eyes with a burning anger in my mismatched eyes.

“Ok, so you have some issues and don’t want to explain them. I understand. You also have a problem with me calling you brat. Only brats would say this so no, I won’t stop. Shitty brat.” He takes another sip of his drink and I just give up with trying to argue with him.

We both continue drinking and talking about things that don’t really matter, such as movies or the weather, both being mindful not to tell any details about ourselves. Around 10 or possibly 15 or 20 drinks later, we’re both fairly drunk and I’m practically sitting on his lap; I’ve moved my chair closer to his and leaned over that much. He’s talking about some black cat that pissed him off but I was paying more attention to the way his beautiful, pink lips moved with every syllable that fell from that gorgeous mouth. I catch a glimpse of something shiny in his mouth as he speaks every now and then and thought he might possibly have a tongue piercing.

_Mmm, that’s so hot. Tongue piercings turn me on so much, even though I’ve never been with someone that had one. Let alone been with someone at all. I’m 17 and a virgin to actual pleasure, well that’s quite sad huh? I wonder if he’s a virgin. Hah, funny. Of course he’s not. Look at him. He’s probably got people jumping at him to get into his pants. He’s probably a sex god. I wonder if he’s gay. Probably not. Probably loves tits so much. How old is he anyway? He’s obviously legal to drink so he can’t be much older than 21. Maybe he is 21, 23 at most._

At some point in my rambling thoughts, the raven haired sex god had stopped talking and is now looking at me with a questioning look. I’m practically in his face now and I glance down to his lips and back to his eyes and bite my lips. He seems to get the hint as he now leans into me as well and cups my cheek. We both move in, him closing his eyes, and our lips touch shyly. We both just sit there, with our lips simply touching, for almost 3 seconds before we break off. He opens his eyes, a dazed look in them, probably from the alcohol, and I smile at him before swooping in for another kiss.

This time we both move our lips with a heated passion. He moves his hand to the back of my neck and I move my hands to the side of his neck, tilting my head to deepen the kiss. We both get lost in the kiss, not paying any attention to anything or anyone else around us until the bartender taps me on the shoulder. We break off again and I turn my head in his direction, trying to focus my fogged mind to pay attention to what he was saying.

“How about you guys take this to a room before it goes any further, yeah?” We both understand what he says and I get off him and we both stand up. He takes my hand and, without looking at me, leads me to the backstage, supposedly to his room or something. We arrive at a door, which I suppose must lead to his room since he opens the door and pushes me in. Shutting the door behind himself, the ravenet shoves me against the door and we get locked into a feverish kiss. His hands dig into my hair, pulling it in all directions. _I’m going to have such bad hair after this._ My hands grab his hips and pull him closer to my body, effectively causing our crotches to rub together, causing hot, needy moans to fall from each of us, Heichou throwing his head back as he does.

I take this chance to attack his open neck with open mouthed kisses, nipping at his skin then licking and sucking it in apology. My hands kneed into his hip and rub around to his ass, rubbing and grabbing at it. I pull him even closer against me, his chest against mine with his back arched to accommodate my mouth still attacking his neck and leaving big reddish purple bruises and bite marks all around it.

He grinds his dick against mine and I shudder at the foreign feeling of the hard, throbbing heat that feels so unbelievably amazing. I somehow hold him even closer to my body and bury my face in his neck, breathing hotly against his wet, heated skin. He pulls my head back with his hands that were still buried in my hair and looks into my lust filled, mismatched eyes and licks his lips. I lean forward and lick his lips for him, catching his bottom lip between my teeth and tugging on it gently, yet still harshly.

I feel a vibration in my back before I hear my ringtone of my phone come through, playing a song to be extremely hilarious about butts. “Just ignore it, it can’t be anything important.” I breathe onto his lips, he nods and we both go back to vigorously kissing and grinding against each other. I move one of my hands from his ass back around to the front, so it’s between both our bodies, and rub at his throbbing, hard cock through his shorts that practically don’t even cover him anymore as when I look down at my work, I can see the tip of his weeping, hard cock from where it has pushed the waist band of his shorts out.

He deliciously moans in my ear and pushes back against my hand, needing more friction. I go to unbutton his shorts, when my phone rings again. I say to just ignore it again and go back to unbuttoning his shorts. Finally managing to undo his skin tight, leather shorts, I grab his achingly hard length and squeeze it, earning a heatedly, wanton moan from the owner of such a beautiful cock. Looking back up to the raven haired man’s face, I take in his heated features.

His face is flushed and his eyes, which are now a dark, misty gray, are now hooded. His mouth is slightly open to allow him to pant and his breath hitches as I stroke his dick once, getting the reaction I wanted. As I get to the head then base of his weeping hard cock though, I feel a protruding little, metal feeling ball.

Astonished at what I’m feeling as I continue to rub along his cock, I look down at what I’m doing, and then I see it. This beautiful cock has been made just out-of-this-world gorgeous with two piercings. One at the tip, just underneath the head where it jots out, and the other at the base. I just about come in my hands at that moment.

I groan as I feel my phone ring in my pocket, sending vibrations through my ass and turning me on even more. “You, you should ahh, pro-probably ans-mnn-answer that. I-it’s probably – hahh – imp-important.” Heichou breathes into my ear and I groan in frustration. Taking my hand away from his cock, him whining at the loss of contact, I instead wrap it around him, holding him close as I straightened up and fished my phone out of my pocket with my clean hand. He starts kissing and sucking at my neck, moving his hands from my hair around to my ass and groping it, grinding his dick against my still clothed one the whole time. I moan and grind back against him and breathlessly, yet still angrily, answer my phone, not checking the caller ID before I did.

“What so you want?!”

“Eren, thank fucking god, holy shit,” Mikasa answered with a voice that sounded much too distraught to be hers. I cease my grinding against the overly attractive being against me and he halts his attack on my neck to look at my fear stricken face as I listen to Mikasa continue. “Eren, mum, mum and dad, they, th-they…” She chokes back a sob and I can hear a familiar males’ voice in the background reassure her it’s ok and then takes the phone.

“Eren, it’s Jean. Look, I’ll let Mikasa explain it to you later, but we have to pick you up now ok. I don’t care where you are or what you’re doing, but we’re driving there to get you so where are you?”

“I’m at um…” I look down at the ravenet who was practically hugging me now and watching me. Understanding my unspoken question, he whispers the name of the club. I just stand there and stare at him, not thinking I could pronounce the name properly and he pulls the phone down and says in a deep, husky voice that ‘Eren is at the Ailes De La Liberté club.’ I nod in thanks and he goes back to resting his chin against my chest.

“Eren… who the fuck was that? Ugh, no, never mind, I don’t even fucking care, wait at the front and we’ll be there soon ok.” He hangs up and I just stare at the phone in my hand. The raven haired man raises his head and asks me what’s wrong.

“I, I don’t know, but I have to go. I’m s-sorry.” I’ve sobered up a bit from the call but my words are a bit jerky. He nods and awkwardly shuffles off my chest and tucks his softening cock back in his pants. I rub the back of my neck awkwardly and we both avoid looking each other in the eye. “Um, sorry, for cutting this short.”

“It’s fine. It was a mistake anyway. It won’t happen again. You know the way out.” His voice was back to its usual monotone and a bit snippy; leaving no argument. I reply with an awkward, if a little disappointed ‘ok’ and leave the room, Heichou with his back to me. I head down the hallways of the clubs changing rooms and out the staff door. Pushing my way through the crowds towards the exit door, I check the time on my phone to see that it’s 11:27pm. With this information, I shuffle through the front doors of the club and into the chilly, end of winter’s air.

_What did Heichou mean about it all being a mistake and never happening again? He looked like he was reminiscing of something._

With these thoughts in mind, I wait for Jean and Mikasa to pick me up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 4 is up! Let me know what you think in the comments below!


	5. Learning To Fret

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren finds out just what happened with Mikasa’s parents and doesn’t react the best way to it.

It’s cold. I’m impatient. I’ve been waiting for Jean and Mikasa to pick me up for over 15 minutes now and my thoughts have just been getting more and more distraught from overthinking about what could be wrong. Mikasa had sobbed something about her parents. _Did something happen to them?_ I’ve never heard Mikasa like this before. She is always sure to never show her fear or hurt. She’ll show other emotions, not be a dull ragdoll, but she’ll never show weakness.

_I even had my make out session cut short. Ugh, I hate my drunk self; I just hook up with any random person, even an asshole jerk._

Just as I finish this thought, I see Jean’s old, messed up red Datsun roll around the corner and I stand up a bit straighter from where I was leaning against the front of the club. The beat-up car pulls up beside me and I see Mikasa in the passenger seat with her head down, not looking up at me. I look to Jean, whom is in the driver’s seat, with a questioning look and he just gives me a grim expression and nods his head in the direction of the back seat, motioning for me to get in.

                 I open up the car door and plonk myself down on the seat before shutting the door and proceeding to buckle my seatbelt. Jean puts the car in gear, he never turned the car off, and we set off. I look at the sides of Mikasa’s and Jean’s faces before I speak from not getting any reactions. “Sooo… are either of you guys going to tell me what’s wrong?” Mikasa keeps her face forward and eyes down, not showing any implications of responding. I look to Jean, who quickly glances at me in the rear view mirror before focusing back on the road. He takes a deep breath before he gives me a discreet answer.

                 “I can’t say what’s happened, but we’re going to pick up Armin first.”

                 “Why are we picking up Armin? What does he have to do with this? Where are we going after that?” I barrage him with questions, not leaving any space for answers or breath, getting more and more agitated and worried. Jean and Mikasa share a glance and Mikasa nods, indicating that whatever is it, he can do it.

                 “Armin is needed because it’s important,” the horse keeps his face straight, not giving off any emotion as he replies, “we’re going to the hospital afterwards. And if you ask why, no, I’m not answering.” I glare at the horse-faced bastard and give up with asking anymore questions. I decide to just get my phone and headphones, which I always have on me now, out of my pocket and listen to my music. I click shuffle on my music and [Breezeblocks](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rVeMiVU77wo) by Alt-J plays. This is one of my favourites, I don’t know why, but it just is. I nod my head to the beat and mouth the lyrics.

 

                 **_She may contain, the urge to runaway_**

**_But hold her down with soggy clothes and breezeblocks_ **

**_Citrozine, your fever’s hit me again_ **

**_Never kisses all do you ever send are full stops_ **

**_La la la la_ **

****

We turn a corner and I notice that we’re actually not all that far from Armin’s house.

 

                 **_Do you know where the wild things go_**

**_The go around to take your honey_ **

**_La la la la_ **

**_Break down now weep, build up breakfast now let’s eat_ **

**_My Love, my love, love, love_ **

**_La la la la_ **

****

                 We turn another corner and are now on Armin’s street. We drive down around 10-20 metres or so and pull up to his house, where he is already sitting on the front porch waiting for us. _Jean must’ve called him to let him know._ When he sees us, he hurriedly scrambles up and to the opposite side of the car so he can hop in the back seat with me.

                 I take out one of my headphones, not really listening to my music anymore, as Armin gets in and buckles his belt. I give him a questioning look as we make eye contact, my eyes asking if he knew what was going on, and he only just shrugged. My head started getting a bit hazy and I could feel a headache coming on from all the drinks I had earlier. Not the best idea to get in a car and listen to music when you’re partially drunk. Luckily I sobered up enough after that hot make out session.

                 I wonder how far we would’ve gone had we not been disturbed. We were both pretty out of it. I think I might have came a tiny bit in my pants. I check my pants at this thought and confirm that yes; there was a small mark of pre-cum on my jeans. Luckily they’re dark enough and the spot is too small to notice.

                 He said afterwards when I was about to leave that it was all a mistake. _Is he not actually gay and was just in the moment?_ I don’t know why but the thought of him not wanting me kind of hurts. Asshole. That does not help my self-esteem at all. I don’t even care anymore. He’s just a random guy on the street that I accidentally punched, then met him in his own club where he’s an erotic dancer and proceeded to get us both drunk off our asses before making out and getting to the juicy bit but being interrupted by a frantic Mikasa and Jean.

                 The car comes to a complete stop and the engine is cut, effectively rousing me from my depressing thoughts. We all unbuckle and exit the car in a dead pregnant silence that no one dares to break. As I stand from exiting the car, my head throbs and I hiss before grabbing it.

                 “Eren? Are you ok?” The sweet, innocent voice of Armin questions me. Everyone’s eyes look to me now in concern but I just nod before replying.

                 “Yeah, I just had a bit much to drink, but I’m fine, I can make coherent thoughts and walk relatively properly.” Mikasa gives me a criticizing glare before she turns around and heads towards the door. Armin and Jean follow behind, leaving me to hobble behind them all, determined to keep my word on being able to walk properly.

                 We all head into the hospital and Jean and Mikasa walk up to the reception desk, supposedly to ask for the room of I’m guessing her parents, while Armin and I stand a little ways away. After about 3 minutes of form filling, information giving and visitor sticker obtaining, Jean and Mikasa walk over to us and give Armin and me our green stickers with the word ‘visitor’ in black bold.

                 “They’re in room 306, section A, which is just over that way.” Mikasa points over towards my left, at a hallway that clearly states that it is section A, with an expressionless face. She turns around to head off in the direction where she indicated and I stare at her retreating form before looking at Jean and Armin with a questioning look but they just shrug their shoulders and Jean nods his head in the direction we need to go and we all follow after Mikasa.

                 Heading down the hallway and turning right at the end, we see Mikasa standing outside of one of the doors, presumably room 306, and we go to stand next to her. She looks into my eyes, and I nod at her for her to go in. She does so and we all enter in after her, myself directly behind her.

                 I honestly was expecting something much worse than this. Mikasa’s mother was lying on the bed, propped up against the headboard, and Mr Ackerman was sitting in a seat right next to her. They had been emerged in a small conversation before we arrived and, upon our entrance, they looked up to us and their faces lit up like it was Christmas all over again.

                 “Kids! You’re finally here!” Mr Ackerman jumps out of his seat and greets us all in a bear hug. “Hope we didn’t scare you all for coming out here.” I see Mikasa immediately deflate, obviously relaxing from her tense stance earlier at seeing and hearing proof that nothing is wrong.

                 “Well yeah, you terrified the shit out of us, but as long as everything’s ok then it’s fine.” Mikasa replies for us all. She walks over to her father, giving him another quick hug and then moving on to her mother, sitting in the chair her father previously occupied and taking hold of her hand. “Are you ok Ma? Why are you here?”

                 “Well, I think you should all sit down or at least brace yourselves for the reason first.” We give her a confused look but upon her slightly commanding look, Jean, Armin and I each drag chairs from the sides of the room and plonk ourselves down in them, bracing ourselves for the news.

                 “Ok, so, it’s going to be a big surprise and change, but… I’m pregnant!” We each give her a blank stare while Mr Ackerman and herself both look overjoyed and could practically shit rainbows.

                 “So… we all dropped whatever plans we had and rushed over here, thinking you’re probably dying, and you’re just pregnant?! Why are you in the hospital for that anyway? Don’t you usually go in when the bump is actually visible?” I widely motion to her stomach, which looks exactly the same as always, as I asked the last question. I wasn’t exactly happy at all with the situation and Jean, Armin and Mikasa seemed to still be getting out of their panic and coming to terms with the sudden shock of this news.

                 “Oh, well we’re deeply sorry for spoiling your plans. I’m in here because I had started throwing up and was _late_ and so we thought there might be something wrong. We didn’t think anything of it since we always use protection. Always use protection kids!” Us _kids_ each cringe and Mikasa looks double unhappy at the thought of her parents ‘doing the do’.

                 “Ok, yeah no. Don’t really like the thought and mental image you just forced upon my mind. But do you know how far along you are?” Mikasa asks her mother. She has let go of her hand at this point and was now resting her elbows on the edge of the bed, her hands supporting her face.

                 “Well, maybe a week I’m pretty sure.” Mrs Ackerman looks to her husband for confirmation and he nods. “Yes, around a week. So, in roughly 9 months, you’re going to have a younger sibling Mikasa. How d’you feel about that thought?”  


                 “Honestly, I’m still disgusted at the thought of you guys even making this baby. Eren and I were in the same house for God’s sake. Did you guys even think about that?! But all the haunting thoughts put aside, I’m kinda happy to finally have an actual little brother or sister and not these dickheads around instead.” She smiles at her mother and Armin and I both gush and pout at her from the open insult. Jean just snickers as if he wasn’t included in that accusation.

                 “Like you and Jean haven’t done it before, ha!” Jean and Mikasa both in turn blush and Jean stutters random words in objection and Armin seemed to deflate a little. _What was that about?_ “It’s ok Jeany-boy, we’re alright with it. Just use protection, ok?” She winks at him and his whole face goes beet red as he opts for just keeping his mouth closed to save his embarrassment. “Well, putting aside all of that. The doctor said everything is looking fine. I’m healthy, the baby that has barely grown is deemed healthy and no one is dying.” She grins at us all and we all reciprocate, mine being less enthusiastic as I just don’t see the point in being so excited over a simple baby. They’re annoying anyway, constantly crying, pooping, demanding for attention, eating and keeping you awake and waking you up at all hours just to tend to their annoying needs.

                 “Well at least you’re ok. Are you allowed to go since nothing’s wrong?” Armin says, emerging himself out of his little bubble that he entered when he heard about the relationship of Jean and Mikasa.

                 “Yep, we’re allowed to leave whenever we want, which should be now so that we don’t waste any more time and lose valuable sleep.” Mr Ackerman stood by the door and held his arm out in an indication for us all to exit. Jean, Armin and I do as we are told and proceed to exit the room. Mikasa waits with her mother and offers to help her off the hospital bed; even though it’s not really necessary. Mikasa grins and just gives her mum the biggest, most heartfelt hug ever and we each look at them both embrace with warm smiles, happy for both of them.

                 After they finished hugging, we all head out of the hospital, heading to the car park as Mr Ackerman speaks up.

                 “Mikasa, did you and Eren want to ride home with us to save Jean’s fuel? It’ll be easier and more convenient for everyone.”

                 “Yeah sure, of course we will.” She responds for both of us then turns to Jean. “Goodnight Jean, talk to you later. Night Armin, see you at school.” She gives each of them a hug and enters the car that we had stopped next to. I simply wave my farewell to them both before hopping in the car and putting my headphones in. Clicking shuffle on my music, [Famous Last Words](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8bbTtPL1jRs) by My Chemical Romance plays and I block out the world and just let my destructive thoughts take over as we make our way back home after Mr and Mrs Ackerman wish Armin and Jean a safe trip home.

                 _So in 9 months a new life will be born. The Ackerman’s only have so much space in their house, how will they fit the baby and me? They’ll have to kick me out so they can use the room that I’m occupying. Where will I go then? Armin’s grandpa doesn’t have a spare room so I can’t stay with them. I’ll just have to live on the streets. I should save them the trouble of awkwardly asking, or even forcing, me to move out and just leave in the middle of the night. Maybe not as a secret, I might actually tell them. Or, I could even prevent them from worrying about me at all and just end it all now, before the inevitable comes. I don’t have anything to live for anyway so it won’t inconvenience myself nor anyone else. No one would miss me either. They’d probably be happy that they wouldn’t have to take care of my useless ass anymore._

I am roused from my thoughts by the other occupants of the car unbuckling their seatbelts and exiting the vehicle. I follow through and as I take out my earphones, I hear that [Blood](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uX3Gw82f6GU) by My Chemical Romance had been playing and scoff at the coincidence of the song since it relates to my previous thoughts. We all head into the house and go straight to our bedrooms, bidding each other a goodnight as we did so.

                 Heading into my room, I sit down on the edge of my bed and simply do nothing. I don’t know what to do. I don’t feel like sleeping. I decide I should at least go to the bathroom and get ready for bed and so I do so. I take off my shirt and pants, leaving myself in my boxers, as I re-enter my room. I once again sit on the edge of the bed, but this time I look to my thighs, where I see an array of white lines in a jumbled mess over both of them.

                 The lines didn’t go any further than mid-thigh, being sure that it wasn’t possible for anyone to see them even if I wore shorts. None of the lines were thick, they all stayed thin, some were a tad thicker, more desperate, than others, but otherwise they were all string thin. These white lines that contrasted against the natural olive tan skin were of course scars. Self-harm scars to be specific. I used to do it before I had put my father in jail. He never noticed them of course, too ‘in the moment’ to realise. I hadn’t done it for a little while before I made the life changing decision anyway, probably around 2 months. Now I’m going on 3 months and I’m quite proud of myself for holding back. Well, I had no choice really; I didn’t grab my razor when I was in my hurry to pack all my items.

                 I was beginning to miss the feeling; the satisfying feeling of the cold blade running against my skin, turning the sting of pain into pleasure. I’ve started to crave it. I started this habit when I was 13; the year my father laid a sexual hand on me. I had tried it on one night, a few nights after he made his move on me. The pain in my backside was unbearable. I could barely walk, let alone move out of bed. I wanted to take away the pain, and I wasn’t allowed to use medication, I don’t think we ever owned any in the first place anyway.

                 I had only made a few marks on the first night and after a few minutes of thinking over what I just did to myself, I thought I was mental for doing such a thing and stopped. About 4 weeks later, I had enough of that bastard touching me in such ways and needed to distract myself from the pain again. So, without hesitation, I slit my thighs again. Then the night after and the night after that and the next and so on. Soon I was doing it nearly every night without fail. I only made a few marks at a time, a bit self-conscious for people to see them even though it was a practical impossibility.

                 The marks always stayed on my thighs, never to my arms or waists or shoulders or anywhere else; always thighs. For two reasons: I hate my thighs; I’ve always thought of them to be too feminine – so it was a bit like a ‘fuck you’ to them - also because I’ve always worn pants. I tend to take off my shirt or wear short sleeves, so the risk of someone seeing wasn’t too high. Of course when changing in front of someone I’d turn around so they couldn’t see them, also as a show of politeness so they could change in peace too but with Armin it was continuously a bit tense for me.

                 Mikasa and Armin still don’t know about my destructive tendencies and I plan to keep it like that. They don’t deserve to know just how broken I truly am. That’s just unnecessary worry put on their part that I know they’ll provide. Honestly, I detest people that worry over me. They don’t need to. I can take care of myself. I’m still alive aren’t I? The worst person for unnecessary worrying over me would most definitely be Mikasa. She acts like an overprotective mother hen.

                 Mikasa has a tendency to fuss over me too much. She’ll repetitively ask if I’ve eaten, if I need to stay home since I might be too tired. If we’re not with each other, she often sends me a message asking if I’m ok and safe and if I need her to pick me up. One of her worse habits would be that if I’m standing next to a stranger she doesn’t know, she’ll glare at them and ask me who they are and if I’m ok when they leave in fear of her.

                 I begin to crave the feeling of the sharp, cold metal against my skin again and stand up, head over to the door and open it. I make sure that no one is up and upon not seeing nor hearing anything; I exit the bedroom and quietly walk to the kitchen. I slowly open the cutlery drawer so as not to make any loud noises, and pick out a short, around 4” long, knife that has a smooth, yet sharp edge to its 2” blade, and head back to the guest bedroom.

                 Sitting down on my bed, I shuffle upwards so that I’m resting against the headboard and cross my legs, sitting upright. I hold my left fore-arm in front of myself, the smoother side facing up. I inspect the skin, otherwise known as canvas, and take in its smoothness. Not a single mark taints my arms. My father made sure to never leave any lasting marks on me. _Can’t leave any evidence now, can we?_ Strange, seeing as though he practically turned himself in. I stroke the soft of my skin with the back of my right hand; I’m holding the blade with it.

                 I turn my hand over and scrape the blade along the skin now; the blade is sideways so as not to make any marks accidentally. After I run the blade slowly up and down my skin, I take it away and align the sharp of the metal to my skin, ready to slice.           

**_KNOCK KNOCK._ **

                 I jolt, accidentally dragging the blade across my skin rather harshly from the surprise. I hiss lowly at the slight sting, willing it to be a pleasurable pain and put up with it.

                 “Eren? Are you ok? It’s around 1am in the morning. Why is your light still on? Can I come in? You’re not doing anything bad are you?” As Mikasa said the last question, her voice turned to a mischievous, worried and disgusted tone all at the same time, probably thinking of something dirty. I scoff slightly to myself. _Yeah right, like I’d be doing anything of the sort._

“Don’t come in Mikasa, I was just sorting out some of my things, tidying up if you want to call it that. But I’m changing right now so I’d advise you to stay out. I’m going to sleep soon so don’t worry. You should go to sleep too.” Just in case she does decide to enter, I grab the tissues from the box that is always on the floor next to my bed and wipe the blade, even though there’s not actually anything on it, and shove it under my pillow. I grab some more tissues and, along with the other ones, use them to cease the small droplets of blood forming along the cut.

                 “Ok then. Goodnight Eren. Sleep well.” I hear her footsteps walking away down the corridor and into her room before I hear her bedroom door close. Breathing out a sigh of relief, I pull out the knife from under my pillow and just look at it for a while. I inspect the blade; how it’s still shining even from everything it’s been through. It has cut through vegetables, probably small meats and now it has cut through human flesh.

                 I once again align the blade to the soft skin of my left arm; right next to my accidental cut. I press against the skin harshly and drag the blade horizontally across the clear canvas of skin. The skin splits and tiny droplets of blood from on it, not enough for it to be troublesome and slide. I continue with the slow dragging against my skin and once I reach the edge of the clear spans of skin that is hairless, I remove the blade from my skin and observe my handiwork.

                 There are small droplets of blood that have formed along the shallow cut and one of them begins to slide a little from getting too full. I lift my arm and watch how all the droplets begin to slide towards my elbow. I imagine that they’re in a race, but none of them get very far as they weren’t full enough. The one that was the largest slid to about 3 quarters down my arm. I cut halfway down my arm so it only got about 3 centimetres or so.

                 I drop my arm back down to my thigh again and cut two more shallow lines, doing so quickly and wiping the blade off, properly this time as it did get a bit of blood on it, before placing it inside my bedside table. I grab the tissues that I used earlier and mindlessly dab at the droplets of blood that were forming more quickly. The cuts that I just made were deeper than the others.

                 Deciding against leaving my room to go to the bathroom and clean them properly in case I bump into someone, I just grab more tissues and turn them into a temporary shitty bandage and lay down on my bed, deciding to sleep for now before I did something worse.

                 _Maybe it’ll be more beneficial if I did do something much worse. Then no one would have to take care of me and I’d be able to leave this shitty world._

With these thoughts in mind, I fall into a restless sleep with a massive forming headache that I somehow manage to ignore, and pass out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys chapter 5 is up! It hasn't been properly proof read yet so if anything doesn't make sense or there are any errors, please let me know.


	6. Learning To Kill

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s 6 months later and Eren is blessed with bad fortune.

It was loud. I felt light. Like I was floating. I could hear a woman’s yelling and another person’s instructions; something about breathing and pushing. I decide to open my eyes and I’m instantly blinded by the whiteness of the room and the lights reflecting off of the surfaces. I quickly shut my eyes and rub at them from the pain. Once the pain had somewhat receded, I squint my eyes open to take in the surroundings that I’ve found myself in.

            For one, I happen to be standing, as I suddenly discover and I’m in what looks like a hallway. People in doctor’s outfits are scurrying by, trying to get to their desired places as fast as they can. I realise that I myself am moving as well; pacing actually. My hands are fisted in my hair in a sign of nervousness. I hear a woman’s yelling once more and it gets strained and it sounds like said woman is forcing something to move. Perhaps she’s doing what the other person said to do; push.

            I don’t know why I’m here. Or what’s going on, but I notice Mikasa is also out here with me and she’s in as bad of a state as I am. Instead of pacing, Mikasa is sitting down on a chair against the wall of the hallway. Her head is in her hands and her arms are resting on her legs, so she is slouched forward. I hear a male voice saying that the woman that was yelling was doing a good job and then all of a sudden I hear a baby’s cries.

            My body stops pacing and my head shoots up, as does Mikasa’s and I notice Armin is here as well with his eyes open wide and staring at the same door we’re all situated outside of. What seems like seconds, but was actually about 10 minutes or so, a male nurse walks out and speaks to all of us. I can see Mikasa’s parents in the room, with her mother on the bed and her father next to it. They’re both looking down at something in Mrs Ackerman’s arms and smiling.

            “The birth was a success. The baby is a healthy girl.” _Birth? So that’s why we’re here. Has it already been that long? It feels as though it was only yesterday we heard that she fell pregnant._ “Do you guys want to come in and see her?” My body speaks for me and replies that I would and he welcomes us inside. Walking in, Mikasa walks straight up to her mother’s side, standing next to her father, and looks at the baby that is bundled up in a pink blanket, resting in Mrs Ackerman’s arms. She looks up at Mikasa, then to Armin and me, and smiles with the most love in the world before she speaks.

            “We’ve decided on a name, we want to name her Carla.” She then faces the baby towards me so we could see her face and I freeze. _It’s her; Mumma._ Her bloodied and bruised face is staring right back at my face. I can tell that my expression is showing one of shock and horror at the moment and there’re tears in my eyes, fogging up my vision. I take a step back and gasp, covering my mouth with both my hands to prevent any other noises from escaping.        

            “Eren. Why Eren. Why didn’t you help me? Why didn’t you save your mother?” _That voice. The voice that’s been taunting me since that night all those years ago. She’s dead. That can’t be real. It’s just a dream; a figment of my imagination. It’s not real._ Suddenly, I’m in a corner, sitting with my legs to my chest and shallowly rocking back and forth. I’m 10 again and I’m crying. The voices are back; this time my father’s is mixed in.

            They’re sneering at me, saying how I’m such a failure and a disappointment, that I might as well end my life since I couldn’t save my own mother’s. I begin to wail even more, becoming a complete wreck of tears and snot. Now I’m older and staring at my own reflection. My parents are both on either side of me as they watch my hand. I have a knife, the same one I used to cut my arms, in my moving hand, its destination: my throat. It gets closer and closer, once reaching its target, I press on the blade and tug.

           

            Jolting awake, I desperately gasp for air as my clammy hands fly to my throat, making sure that there are no cuts or marks. Instantly wincing, I let go of my neck dumbfounded.

            _Why is there pain coming from my throat? Was that nightmare not actually a dream? It must’ve been; it’s not possible for any of that to happen, apart from Mrs Ackerman giving birth. Does that mean that actually happened?_

I hesitantly bring my right hand up to my throat again and gently feel the bandages that are placed there. My fingers graze against the coarse fabric and I quietly gasp and hic, feeling the confused tears burning my eyes. I look around the room I’m in, I can’t see much as I’m lying on a bed and can’t seem to move the rest of my body. I see the screen of a heart monitor that has a green line that is rapidly moving and beeping along with it, indicating that from my panicked state, my heartbeat had quickened.

            I can also smell the nauseating aroma of that distinguishable ‘hospital’ scent. I’ve never liked hospitals. People die here. _Perhaps this place suits me then. This is probably my death bed and they were waiting for me to shrivel up and just die already._ I hear the distinct sound of a doorknob turning and my entire body stiffens even more than it had been before, bracing myself for something that I don’t even know.

            A female nurse walks in and I avert my eyes to the white ceiling. I can tell that I have a fear stricken face and when the nurse looks up at me, she pauses in her steps, and gives me a concerned look. She slowly walks over to the side of my bed and I can feel her presence like a dark aura and I begin to shake out of fear.

            “It’s ok Eren. You’re ok, you’re safe. Everything is going to be ok.” She reassures to me in a calm, soothing voice. I refuse to acknowledge her presence and she lowly exhales before continuing. “Eren, sweetheart, I’m going to need you to cooperate with me now, ok? If you can’t sit up I’m going to have to help you, alright?” I do as she says, still not looking at her, and use all the strength in my arms to lift my body into a sitting position. Noticing my struggle, the nurse helps me by putting one hand behind my back and one on my chest, lifting my back up and pushing on my chest so that I’m against the bedhead.

            She makes sure that I’m comfortable before stepping back and turning around to check all the equipment before grabbing a folder and pen and turning back to me. “Ok Eren, I’m going to ask a few questions ok?” I nod to show that I heard her and understand and she proceeds. “Alright, good. Now, on a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being least and 10 being most, how painful is your neck? If you can’t speak just use your fingers to show.”

            _It’s not really painful though, only when I touch it._ I open my mouth to express my thoughts but only a strangled sound escapes. I can’t talk at all. _Why can’t I talk?_ I begin to panic and the nurse’s expression begins to get more and more worried. She walks up to me and places a hand on my shoulder. I grab at her arm and look at her with pleading and questioning eyes. My breathing has rapidly increased and my heartbeat monitor is going ballistic from my fear of not speaking again.

            “Ok, Eren. Eren? You need to calm down, alright. We’ll sort this out; you probably just need some water. Yeah, your throat is dry right?” I swallow and my throat is indeed dry so I nod at her and let her go to get me a glass of water. She leaves for about 5minutes and I begin to worry and get impatient before she walks back in with a glass of water in hand and a male doctor trailing behind her. “Here’s your water Eren. I’ve brought Dr Jones with me so that he can make sure everything’s alright.”

            I take the offered glass and eye the doctor whilst taking small sips. It doesn’t hurt too much to drink, but there’s still a distinct sting and scratch in the back of my throat. I open my mouth again and try to question why he would need to check things but I once again am unable to form any coherent sounds anywhere close to words.

            “Mr Jaeger, it seems that you are unable to speak. Do you think it’s possible for you to make any sounds?” The doctor’s deep, professional voice questions. I once again try to make a proper sound from my mouth but it’s yet again a lost cause. Doctor Jones puts his hand to his neatly trimmed yet full of stubble chin and hums as he thinks for a few seconds. At this point, the nurse is back at my side while he is standing at the end of the bed. The nurse takes my now empty cup and fills it back up from the jug of water that I had failed to notice her bring in with her.

            Coming to somewhat of a conclusion, the doctor says his theory as I once again sip from the glass of water the nurse refilled for me, I still haven’t quite calmed down but I sip the water anyway to hold everything in. “The cut didn’t seem deep enough to have damaged any vital organs, such as your voice box it seems, but we can see that it must’ve damaged enough to cause him not to be able to talk.” My heart rate picks up again as I begin to once again panic. I still don’t understand what is going on or how I ended up in this situation. All I know is that I have a fairly large, and apparently deep, cut on my neck that has damaged my voice box and prohibited my chances of ever speaking again.

            “Eren, it’s ok, don’t panic. We’ll find a way around this, ok? You can still communicate with people. You can use sign language or write. You can still do so many things!” This doesn’t help any with my panic and I begin to hyperventilate. I grab at the bandages around my neck, finding it to be too tight, and pull at it, wanting, no, needing, it off. “Eren no, don’t do that! You’ll damage your stitches! Eren, calm down. Do you understand everything that’s going on?” I panickly shake my head ‘no’ and she places her hands on mine to stop my tugging at my bandages as she goes on. “Ok, well, your sister, or friend, had found you in your bathroom in a puddle of your own blood. You slit your own throat Eren. You also swallowed all the pain killers in the cupboard, so we had to wash out your stomach. You’ve been here, sleeping, for a week. You woke up a few times and panicked but passed out a few minutes after. I take that you don’t remember those times eh?” I’d stopped struggling as she spoke but kept my fear stricken eyes on her. I nod at her question and she seems somewhat satisfied as she backs off.

            The doctor and nurse stand next to each other at the end of my bed and look at me, silently watching for my reactions of the news that I just received. I think of how I won’t ever be able to make a legitimate sound out of my throat and think that it’ll benefit everyone since they won’t be nagged by me anymore. Then I of the downsides, like having to learn sign language and being bullied and to being able to get a point across properly or get my rage out through words and begin to panic once again.

            I bring my knees up to my chest as my hands grip my hair and the heart rate monitor goes crazy once again. My breathing is frantic and I continuously try to say ‘no’. The nurse rushes up to me and the doctor rushes outside to do something. “Eren, calm down, it’s ok don’t worry.” My vision goes blurry and I can feel the beginning of a migraine making its way through. The nurses voice sounds muffled and I feel light. “Eren! Eren wake up! You’re ok! Eren!”

 

            My eyes shoot open and I immediately sit up. My breathing is heavily laboured and my heart is going a million miles an hour; just like in my over realistic dream. I look to my left and see the worried faces of Mikasa, Mr Ackerman and an almost 6 month pregnant Mrs Ackerman. I fist my hands in my sweat slicked strands and pull at my hair, ending up with dragging my hands down my face to cool myself down a bit.

            “Eren… are, are you ok?” Mikasa steps closer to the side of the bed from when she had jumped back to and places her hand on my left from where I had dropped them from my face to the top of the covers. My mouth is slightly open to accommodate for my low, erratic breathing and I slowly look up to her face. She has worry etched into her eyebrows and her eyes have a pleading worry showing right through them.

            I look at Mr and Mrs Ackerman next, my eyes scanning over each of them to make sure that they’re both safe and healthy. Confirming to myself that yes, neither of them are injured in anyway, I reply to Mikasa with a small, shaky voice. “I don’t even know myself anymore…” Mikasa gives me a perturbed look before she sits down on the edge of the bed and wraps her arms around my shoulders to pull me in for a hug.

            At first I stiffen at the touch yet relish in the familiar warmth and then I relax into her hold and lay my head on her shoulder. “Eren, please tell me what’s wrong. Ever since you’ve moved in with us you’ve been more subdued. You haven’t been eating as much and you haven’t been hanging out with Armin and me very often. We’re worried about you Eren.” I sniffle a little bit into her shoulder from the emotional tears that had pricked at my eyes as Mikasa had talked, but I won’t let them fall; I won’t let her see that side of me; the weak side.

            “Mikasa, I’m fine, I’m sure of it. Just don’t worry about me, please,” _I don’t deserve it._ The unspoken thoughts leave a heavy feeling in my chest and a slight anger boiling inside of me. At this point, Mikasa’s parents had already left the room, seeing that I wasn’t injured, to give Mikasa and I privacy to talk. I pull away from the hug, avoiding Mikasa’s questioning eyes by keeping mine focused down at the blanket. My hands are still fisted in the sheets, resting in my lap, and Mikasa rests one of hers on top of mine.

            “Eren, I know you don’t like people worrying about you, but you need to tell someone. It can be anyone at all, or you can simply write it down, just at least get it out. Just remember: Armin and I are always here for you, no matter what.” I nod at her words and mutter an ‘ok’ and she takes that as her cue to leave. Patting my hand twice, she gets up and leaves to go do whatever she does and closes my door behind her.

            I sit on my bed for a few seconds before I push away the covers and stand. I walk towards my desk and pick up the picture frame that resides there. The picture makes the tears that I had pushed away come back again and this time I succumb to their insistence. The picture is of my mother in spring in amongst flowers with a tree behind her. It had still been cold at the time so she was wearing a black knit scarf and a jacket. The sun was shining on her face, defining her hazelnut brown eyes and hair; making them shine. To put simply, she looked like an angel. The picture was taken on a family trip to Germany. We had been visiting her family and I had only been about 4 years old at the time.

            A few tears dropped onto my mother’s smiling face and I quickly wipe them away furiously, hating myself for letting that happen, thinking that I have now ruined the photo. I look at my chubby face, at the massive smile that took up half my face. That’s something that doesn’t happen anymore, I wonder when the last time I actually smiled was with this much happiness, can’t have been after she died.

           I sit back down on the edge of my bed, picture still in hand, and speak to her. “H-hi Mumma, how are you? I hope you’re doing well where you are. If heaven and hell were real, I’m sure you’re in heaven, yeah? Well, if you’re not watching over me, then I’ll just let you know that Dad is in jail. I haven’t spoken to him or heard any news of him since then so I can’t tell you how he’s doing. He was never the same after he killed you Ma; he had started to take his anger out on me. But it’s all sorted out now. I’m living with Mikasa now, have been for almost 6, maybe 7 months now. Her mum is pregnant as well; it should be a boy they said.

            “I’ve been having nightmares almost every night since you past 7 years ago Mama; they never give me a break. Mikasa’s been worrying about me too as well, same with Armin. I don’t know what’s wrong with me Ma, why can’t I be happy like before? Why did Dad have to do that to you? I miss you so much. I’m sure if you were here right now you’d be so disappointed in me anyway, so I guess it’s better for you not to be here huh? Mikasa says I’m not eating properly, come to think of it, that is true. You’d probably force feed me or something wouldn’t you?” The tears are streaming down my face, this is probably the most emotion I’ve showed all these years, I can’t even remember.

            There’s a knock at my door and Mikasa’s voice follows afterwards through it. “Eren, breakfast is ready and you will be eating ok. We also gotta get ready for school so you better get ready.” I chuckle quietly to myself and wipe my tear stained face and red, puffy eyes before telling my mother I love her, giving her face a kiss then standing up and putting the picture frame on my bedside table this time before getting changed.

            After changing into a comfortable pair of knee-length, a bit darker than sand coloured pants and a thin, long-sleeved shirt with some random design on it, I head out of my room and into the bathroom. I look at the pathetic excuse for a person that stares back at me in the mirror’s reflection. He has swollen, red, bloodshot eyes and shiny, tear streaked cheeks. He raises his hand, as do I, and gently presses at the dark bags underneath his eyes; a sign that he is sleep deprived. He then lowers his hand down his face and rubs at it to at least try and wake himself up a bit.

            His hand falls down to the taps for the sink; he turns on the hot water and splashes his face with water. I close my eyes at the onslaught of lukewarm water and wait for the water to slide down and over my eyes before I open them again and look at the guy in the mirror. I decide to stop looking at the identical man and take a shower so I can finally get ready and go to school with Mikasa.

            I strip of the clothes that I will wear that day and turn on the water to its hottest setting and get in. I quickly scrub and rinse my body with soap, wash my hair then finally get out, dry myself then re-dress into the clothes from before. Making my way out of the bathroom, ignoring the hideous reflection in the mirror on the way, and down the hallway to the kitchen where I know everyone should be, I can’t help but notice that it’s eerily quiet; like someone is watching me and I’m all alone in the whole house.

            I see Mikasa silently eating cereal at the kitchen island and her mother is cleaning up some mugs at the sink; Mr Ackerman is not in sight. Mikasa looks up at me from her eating and, noticing my confused searching for the missing person, answers my unspoken question. “Dad got called in early for work today; he left when you were in the shower.” I nod and mouth a silent ‘ah’ and head to get my own cereal. I can feel a burning sensation on the back of my neck from someone watching me and I don’t have to look around to know that both Mrs Ackerman and Mikasa are following my every movement with worried looks.

            Ignoring their stares, I keep my head down as I grab a bowl, fill it with cereal and milk, grab a spoon then take seat next to Mikasa, who hadn’t taken her eyes off me. “You know it’s rude to stare, right?” She doesn’t make any movement from my abrupt and straightforward words; if anything, she’s gotten more worried. I simply spoon the cereal into my mouth, looking straightforward and not meeting her eyes as she apprehensively replies.

            “Eren…, you know we’re all here for you, yea? And you can tell us what is on your mind. We won’t judge you; we just need to understand so we can help. Something is obviously troubling you.”

            “Yes, understand. Thank you. But nothing is wrong ok?” _Lies. There is more wrong than you’d understand. “_ And if there is something wrong, I don’t even know what it is, but I’ll let you know when I find out.” _Lies again, but it’s not like I can tell her what’s wrong, because I did say one truth; I don’t know what’s wrong._

“Fine, but when you do find out what’s wrong, come _straight_ to me, ok?” I simply nod my in reply to somewhat please her and we drop the subject, finishing off our breakfast and bidding farewell to Mrs Ackerman as we were leaving. Before I manage to get out the door through, she stops me and gives me a kiss to forehead. At my bewildered face, she quickly explains her actions.

            “I just want you to know, and never forget, that you are a part of this family and we love you as much as if you were our own son. Please don’t worry your little head over it, honey, ok?” I can feel tears prick at the back of my eyes at her words and I furiously nod my head before pulling her in to a tight hug and stuff my face in her neck. I really needed those words.

            “T-thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you…” The tears flow down my cheeks and onto her shoulder as I mumble the words into the junction between her neck and shoulder. She rubs soothing circles into my back and hushes me, letting me know that it’s alright and everything will be ok. I highly doubt that but I can’t say anything now.

            “Do you want to stay home today, sweetheart? You’re not really in the best of mind, nor situations to be going really.” I think about Mrs Ackerman’s offer and raise my head to look at Mikasa, silently questioning with my eyes alone if that’s alright with her.

            “It’s your choice Eren. You probably should though since Ma is right. I can either stay here with you or go to school and get any work that you’ll miss for you.” _Like I’d do the work anyway._

“Yeah, you go to school without me, I’ll be fine. I have your mum with me anyway to keep me company.” I chuckle a tiny bit at the end and they both grin at me.

            “Ok then, I’ll see you both after school then. Have a good day.” We both wave her off and I head to my room to sleep for a few more hours. I let Mrs Ackerman know what I’m doing and she replies with a simple ‘ok’.

            Walking into my room, I start stripping of my clothes. I pull my shirt over my head and then my mind goes back to a heated changing room with a short, dark haired man. _Why did he suddenly pop into my mind? That was around 6 months ago now._ I throw my shirt to the floor and unbutton my pants, ready to slide them off when my body suddenly feels heated at the memory of his touches. How he pulled at my hair in almost every direction and the hot, needy kisses that we shared. We never used tongue unfortunately, not like I’d know how to kiss like that, but from what I remember from when he had been speaking, he had a tongue piercing. Oh how I’d love to feel that against my tongue and in my mouth, even on my body.

            I’m standing in just my boxers now, having thrown my pants in the direction that I had thrown my shirt. There’s a prominent bulge in my black boxers and I silently curse at it. I don’t feel like masturbating, especially to thoughts of that asshole. But I haven’t gotten off in so long, before I even moved in with Mikasa, before I ran away from home. Maybe it would be ok, it would relieve some stress and tension definitely though.

            Deciding to just go with it, I make sure my door is locked before leaning against it and running my hands down my chest and stomach to my crotch. My erection is now straining against the front of my dark boxers, making them tent a fair bit. I rub at myself through the material as I bring my other hand up to my chest, playing with my nipples. Holding back a moan, I buck slightly into my hand without meaning to. Obviously my dick has a mind of its own and it wants more friction. Denying myself of more, I bring my hand that was playing with my nipples up to my mouth and suck on my fingers.

            There’s now a very damp patch on my underwear that forms a sort of crown at the tip of my almost completely hard cock now from where pre-cum has seeped out. Pulling the band of my tight boxers away from my skin and down, I hiss at the feeling of cold air against my heated cock and relish at the feel of not being confined anymore. Taking a light grasp at the base of my cock, I pump it a few times and run my thumb across the slit each time I get to the tip.

            Shuddering at the amazing feeling, I take my now saliva soaked fingers out of my mouth and shed of my boxers. I spread my legs to accompany my fingers to my balls and play with them before moving them behind myself and to my ass. I rub at my entrance for a bit before I hear a crash and then a panicked yell of my name.

            I freeze up for a second before I hear my name again, along with ‘shit’. Pulling my hands from my ass and slowly softening cock, I throw on my shirt from before and trackies that were discarded on my floor, skipping out on putting on boxers. I try to open my door, find it locked and curse at myself before rushing to unlock it and running out and to where the slightly hushed curses are coming from.

            I turn the corner from the hallway into the open kitchen and dining room where I see Mrs Ackerman on the floor leaning against the wall, clutching her swollen stomach, with plastic cups and bowls scattered around her. “Eren, hurry, call the ambulance, NOW!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 6 is up guys! I hope you're all enjoying it so far. Please let me know what you think in the comments below. And once again, if you see any mistakes, grammar, spelling or something that doesn't make sense, don't hesitate to let me know.  
> I'm apologizing in advance just in case I post a chapter late. School has started up again (3 weeks ago) and I've gotten a lot of homework that I need to do so I'm not ahead of my writing like I used to be. I'll try my best though and not let it get to the point of the apology needing to be used.


	7. Learning To Die

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They’re at the hospital, waiting for the news of what is to happen.

            It was bright, yet hazy. It is loud and panicked. We were in an ambulance – Mrs Ackerman and I – and the paramedics were tending to the 6 month pregnant woman whom is doing this ‘hoo hoo, hee hee’ thing as she pants and clutches at her swollen stomach with one hand and supports her weight behind herself with the other. The sirens to the ambulance were on and we were rushing through the traffic; getting to the nearest hospital – Sina Emergency – as soon as possible.

            I had already called Mikasa and Mr Ackerman to tell them what was happening and they’re going to meet up with us at the destination. Mikasa was in the middle of class so she had been able to easily leave but her father had been in a meeting so he had to abruptly leave something that could have potentially been important.

            Mrs Ackerman was sweating buckets and winced every now and then. She had to be checked for any injuries from when she fell and they could only give her an ice-pack for her head where she had badly hit her head and also bandaged what they could of it since they couldn’t give her anything too strong in case it harms the unborn child.

            The medics have been paying the entirety of their focus on Mrs Ackerman and have been asking her questions about how she’s feeling, how bad the pain is, where it hurts and how it happened. She had breathlessly and rushedly explained that she had been putting away some cups, when she had felt a jolt of pain come from her stomach and it was so intense that she had doubled over and hit her head on the counter, making her lose focus and her footing and fall over.

            After driving for about 18 minutes, which would have been 30 had we not been in the ambulance, we arrive at the hospital. The doctors rush out of the building and the medics that rode with us rush to help Mrs Ackerman out of the vehicle and into a wheel chair. The doctors that had run out of the building upon our arrival wheel her into the building, where I follow behind them worriedly, and take her to the emergency unit, where I am told to wait outside at.

            Sitting on the uncomfortable chairs that are lined against the wall, I take out my phone from my pocket and message Mikasa, asking her how close she is to the hospital. I’m still sloppily dressed in the clothes that I had practically thrown on in my haste to see what was wrong with the woman that is the cause of my being here; so that means I’m sitting here in a shirt that is reasonable to be in and then trackies that have stains and smell like all sorts of foods and other substances. Don’t forget that I’m also not wearing any underwear and so the outline my pants make on my crotch is plainly obvious. Great.

            Mikasa messages me back, letting me know that she just arrived and is walking up to the front at that moment. I go to the front desk to meet her and when I see her distraught face, I run up to her and give her a hug to console her. “She’s in the emergency care unit. We got here about 5-10 minutes ago.”

            Mikasa nods into my shoulder but makes no move to let go. “Did you let dad know what’s going on?” Mikasa mumbles against my shirt. I had to strain my ears so that I could understand what she said properly.

            “Yeah I did. He was in a meeting but he’s on his way. He should be here soon hopefully.” I reply back, stroking her hair to calm her erratic breathing that she huffs against the sensitive skin of my neck. I can feel her slowly slump into my hold a little bit and I just hold her closer. “Do you want to sit down for now?”

            “No, let’s just wait until dad gets here.” I hum in agreement and shift us over to the wall so we’re not in the way since we had been standing in the middle of the reception room. I lean against the wall with Mikasa securely in my hold and continue to pat her hair. She turns her head so that her mouth is facing up at me so that she can speak more clearly to me. “Do you know what happened to Ma? Was she badly injured?”

            “I wasn’t in the room at the time, so I didn’t see what happened exactly, but I think that she had been putting away some cups or something when she felt a jolt of pain and lost her footing then fell. She didn’t look too bad but she did look pretty out of it. They also had to somewhat bandage her head, so yeah. I’m pretty sure she’ll be fine.” She listens intently to what I revise to her and nods when I finish.

            “How about the baby? Do you know if it’ll be ok?”

            “Err… I’m not too sure on that one. She did fall pretty badly, and I’m not sure if she fell on her stomach or not. The doctor’s will of course check if it’s alright and will possibly have to birth it if there is something wrong. Hopefully they’ll both be ok.” She doesn’t respond and we just stand there in silence. Doctors and nurses pass by us, going on with their daily lives. Some are carrying folders; others are rushing to get to their destination quickly.

            The last time we were here was when we found out that Mrs Ackerman had gotten pregnant. Of course they had been back since then but I never came along with them. It’s not my favourite place to be exactly, especially in remembering the nightmare that I had last night. Feeling my shudder at the thought, Mikasa gives me a questioning look.

            “I was just remembering my nightmare from last night. It was based in a hospital. Not the best place to be really.” She hums in reply and snuggles up to me further. It’s like she’s trying to sap my heat from me. After about 5 minutes of waiting, Mikasa speaks up.

            “Thank you Eren. For being the one to help my mum. For being there for us all; for me. You’re the best friend anyone could have. You’re seriously like a brother to me. I’m so grateful to have you. I don’t know what I’d do without you.” I freeze at her words, my hand stilling in her hair. _She’s just saying that to try and cheer me up. She doesn’t actually mean that._ I would voice out my thoughts but I don’t want her to know of my insecurities and how I feel.

            Remaining silent towards what she said, we emerge into another peaceful yet nervous silence as we wait for her father, whom arrives about 7 minutes later. Since I’m facing outwards, I see Mr Ackerman first when he walks through the automatic glass doors. I had been watching the doors the whole time so I see him before he sees us and I jostle Mikasa a bit and tell her that her dad had arrived.

            She turns around and when she sees him, she practically runs to him and surprises him with a hug. He hadn’t noticed that we were here in the first place so when he’s attacked in a hug, he halts in his footsteps and checks to see who had randomly hugged him. At seeing Mikasa’s mop of black hair, he embraces her much like I had; holding her close and securely, reassuringly and calmly. He says something in her ear that I can’t hear and in return, she nods and looks towards me. I guess he had asked if I was here and/or if she had seen me yet.

            My eyes lock on his and he has a perturbed look on his face, he has obviously been anxious for the entire drive here. I walk up to them and nod at him in greeting; Mikasa has stepped away now and is standing next to us both.

            “Do you know the details of what’s happening buy any chance?” Mr Ackerman enquires of me.

            “I only know that she is in the emergency unit. I haven’t heard anything since.” I respond to him. He nods in understanding and asks if we wanted to sit down in the emergency unit’s waiting room, to which Mikasa and I both nod. Sitting down in the corner of the room with Mikasa in the middle, I ask her if she wanted me to text Armin and Jean.

            “Yeah, they should know about this definitely. Tell them both to talk about if they’re going to come so they can drive together.” I nod and do as she says, sending the same message to both of them. Since they’re both still in class they won’t be able to read the message until later, hopefully they respond when they do read it though.

            “Ok, it’s sent, I sent them the sa-“

            “Mrs Ackerman?” A nurse interrupts me in the middle of speaking and calls out for the visitors of Mikasa’s mum. We all look up at her and in turn she looks to us; also because we’re the only people in the room. “You are all here for Mrs Ackerman I presume?”

            “Yes we are. Is she ok? Can we see her now?” Mr Ackerman speaks up for us and stands to properly address her.

            “I’m sorry but you can’t see her at the moment. She is in critical condition. She hit her head when she fell harder than we all thought,” We all blanch at the information and Mikasa gasps, finding my hand with hers and holding it with a deathly grip, I squeeze back in comfort. “We are going to perform a caesarean to see if we can save the baby; it didn’t seem to be harmed in any way. We will do our best to keep Mrs Ackerman alive, but she’s not looking too good. Myself or another nurse will inform you all of how the surgery goes once it’s finished. Thank you.” She nods in departure and turns to go back through the double, white wood doors into the emergency unit.

            Mr Ackerman stumbles back into his seat and just slumps into his chair. We’re all staring at the door, where the nurse had left through, with wide eyes, not quite acknowledging everything the nurse had said. “C-caesarean doesn’t take too long, it can be either 2-3 minutes or 10-15. She’ll be fine, she’ll make it. Your mother is strong.” Mr Ackerman sounds like he’s reassuring himself more than he is us.

            I can feel Mikasa’s hand tremor in mine and so I hold it between both of mine and hold it close to my heart, trying my best to calm her down. Her breathing is starting to get erratic and her chest is heaving. She makes little hiccup sounds and I can tell that she’s about to start crying so I pull her to my body, letting go of her hand and engulfing her in my arms. I have one hand on the back of her head, keeping her close to my shoulder, and the other one is clutched around her waist.

            “I’m not going to tell you that everything will be ok,” I whisper into Mikasa’s ear so that only she can hear my words, “because if you get your hopes up and something worse happens, it’ll destroy you. So I’m just going to tell you to not let it get you down, because I’m sure that your mum wouldn’t want you to worry and cry for her, when she’s supposed to do that for you.” Mikasa sobs and hiccups even more and I’m not entirely sure if I helped at all. I’m not the best at cheering people up.

            We sit in silence for about 5 minutes, not knowing what to say, when a nurse walks through the door and looks at us. “Are you here for Mrs Ackerman?” I nod in affirmation for us all and she continues. “Ok. Well the surgery was a success and I can confirm that the baby is as healthy as a 6 month old can be and is a boy. Congratulations. Mrs Ackerman, on the other hand, didn’t make it. She had a concussion and had severe internal bleeding to her brain. I’m sincerely sorry for your loss. Would you all like to see her and/or the baby?” None of us answer her, too shocked that she had just blatantly told us that an extremely important person has just passed away, yet the baby survived.

            “Its’ probably too soon to be thinking of much from what has just happened. I’ll let you go over it for a while. I’ll be back in about 30 minutes ok?” The nurse added on before leaving, this time heading in the direction of the receptionists desk. She was right, we, more like Mikasa and her dad, do need some time to take in everything she had just old us. I look to my right, where Mikasa is seated next to me, and see that she is desperately trying to keep herself in check.

            Her fists were clenched tightly on top of her thighs, hard enough to probably break the skin of her palm. Her bottom lip was slightly quivering and I could see a slight indent on her cheek, an indication that she is biting her cheek and/or has her jaw clenched and had sucked in her cheek a bit to keep her lip from showing just how affected she is. Mikasa hasn’t ever been one to show her weak side, so the amount of crying and need for reassurance that she has done today is the first, if not, the most I have ever witnessed her submit to.

            I could hear her inhaling and exhaling deeply and harshly through her nose only, that was rapidly increasing, and saw a single tear overflow from the eye that was in my line of view from the side profile I can see of her. After the first teardrop broke the barrier, another two fell out and joined the other in the trek down her cheek and then she finally snapped. Placing her hands in a cup over her mouth to completely cover it, Mikasa choked back sobs and hiccups in an attempt to prohibit every loud wailing coming from her throat.

            She was suddenly jerked in the opposite direction by an arm around her back, clutching at her shoulder and pulling her against the side of their body, holding her much like I had done before. Mr Ackerman seemed to be in as much of a state as Mikasa was in. His eyes were red and swollen and were raining endless tears down his cheeks and onto the top of Mikasa’s long, shiny black hair. She wrapped her arms around his middle and they both held each other in a death-like grip, as if believing that if they were to let go, the other would leave and not come back.

            They simply sat there, clutching each other silently, with tiny sobs here and there, and not doing anything else. I did the same really, minus the harsh crying and clutching at someone. I simply couldn’t find it in me to cry, to shed tears for Mikasa’s mother. I felt empty; I didn’t know what to do with myself. Of course I feel sad about the situation and for the both of them, but I can’t help but feel remorse from how it turned out as well.

            If I hadn’t been distracted by fucking myself and gotten to her quicker I could have called the ambulance quicker since I would have also been more concentrated as well. If I never even went into my room and been an anti-social, depressed little shit, I probably would have been able to prevent the situation altogether. Yet of course, me being the useless waste of space, I can’t do anything right. It’s like I am a walking curse, bringing bad luck with me everywhere I go and sharing it around for everyone to have some.

            “It’s going to be alright. You hear me guys? Everything will work out, don’t worry.” Mr Ackerman had gently pushed Mikasa back by her shoulders to look her directly in the eyes as he spoke, not forgetting to make eye contact with me so that I knew I was included in the reassuring words. “We’ll work things out ok.” He spoke in a calm yet strong voice, ensuring that he got his point across yet not being harsh about it, intending to soothe us.

            “Y-yeah, everything will be fine. We can do this.” Mikasa gives a sad, encouraging, snotty smile after she spoke. She can be really convincing of almost everything when she wants to be. Her puffy eyes make their way to my mismatched ones and I try to give her a sincere, encouraging smile back, but I’m not entirely sure that it was all that convincing. It must have been good enough because she didn’t make any indications that I looked like I was in pain.

            “So… should we go and meet your new baby brother now Mikasa? We can go and see your mother as well if you want. It’s completely your choice if you do or not, I’m not going to force you what-so-ever. I will be going to see her later if you don’t now though.” Mr Ackerman enquires of Mikasa since it is her decision really and we’ll just follow where she goes.

            “Ok. Yeah, let’s go see Ma, then my little brother.” She nods and gives another teary smile as she stands and waits for us both to follow her. Her dad stands from his seat first, brushing off his pants and standing straight to speak.

            “We should go to the front desk to see about going in since that nurse never came back.” Nodding in agreement, I finally stand from the uncomfortable plastic leather chair and we all make our way to the receptionists desk, Mr Ackerman going right up against it so he can speak to the lady sitting at the computer. “Um, hi, excuse me, Miss?” The addressed woman stops clicking at the mouse and raises her head to him, showing that she is paying attention and gives a ‘yes sir?’ before he continues. “A nurse had said before that we could visit our loved one that had just passed in surgery but she never came back to take us through, since we required some time to go over things.”

            “Ok, can you please tell me the name of the patient and I will call a nurse working at that station to take you to their room.”

            “Their name is Ackerman. She is my wife. She had also given birth to a boy.” The woman nods and types up something on her computer before picking up a microphone-like device and asking for a nurse to come to the front desk.

            “A nurse is on his way now to escort you to her room now. He shouldn’t be too long.” Just as she promised, about a minute or so later, a male with dirty blond hair walks through a set of doors that lead to a staff only area and gives us a calm, closed mouth smile. “These are the visitors; please take them to room number 10 in the emergency sector.” He nods and asks us politely to follow him back the way we came from. Walking through the waiting room and into the hallway past the doors that we were prohibited to enter before.

            He walks 10 doors down, obviously not needing to go far, and walks right into the room after checking the sign on the door to make sure that the correct patient was in there. “Ok, this is her. I’ll wait outside for you so that I can lead you to her son. You can have 20 minutes ok? Thank you.” We nod at him and each say our thanks before he close the door almost all the way, letting it rest against the frame to easily rush in if need be.

            Mikasa and her father both walk to opposite sides of the bed, Mikasa taking the left if you’re looking at the bed straight on. She kneels beside the bed as there are no chairs available on her side and takes her mother’s cold, limp hand into hers. Sandwiching the pale hand between both of hers, one on top and one below, she lightly rubs her hand that is on top over her mothers and lowers her forehead to press against their joined hands, presumably saying things silently to herself for her mother.

            Mr Ackerman sees that his side of the bed has a chair and so he takes the opportunity given and places it directly beside the bed. He places his hand on his wife’s still arm, silently saying what he wants to. I stand at the end of the bed and look down at the lifeless body of the woman that took me in when I had nowhere else to go. The woman that treated me as if I were her own son. The sweetest, most considerate and caring person that I have ever met; apart from my own mother but I don’t exactly remember much about her.

            I silently thank her for everything she has done for not only myself, but everyone else. For giving birth to and raising Mikasa to be the wonderful person that she is to this day, for encouraging me to stay happy and not worry about everything, for marrying her husband and keeping him happy all these years and for all the other deeds she’s done that I haven’t been audience to.

            We all stay like that for the entirety of the 20 minutes that we were given and the nurse that had brought us here silently walks into the room and stands next to me. Mikasa and her dad hadn’t realised that he had entered the room yet and I can feel his nervous hesitance to make them leave. Saving him the guilt to make them leave her, I clear my throat to get their attention for him and they both look up at the first sound in the past 20 minutes since we came in here.

            They notice the nurse next to me and understand that it’s time to go. Mr Ackerman gives a kiss to her forehead while Mikasa gives one to the hand she was holding. After they both said their final goodbyes, they walk over to us and give each other sad smiles and turn to leave. As we head out the door and into the quiet hallway, the nurse speaks up.

            “You will have to sign some forms, Sir, so that you can take the body to be cremated or buried, or whatever you’d like to do. Would you like to see the baby now?” Mr Ackerman nods for both the things the nurse said and he proceeds to lead us to where the newborns are kept in their mass produced-like beds. We walk down about 5 hallways that are almost completely deserted before we all stop outside a door that has a window on the wall next to it, where you can look inside the room to see a few babies in clear cots, each in either blue or pink blankets.

            The nurse asks us to wait outside for a bit before he goes inside to get Mr Ackerman’s son. There weren’t many babies in the large room so it only takes him around 20 seconds or so before he returns with a bundle of blue with a tiny hand and head sticking out. The nurse smiles at us all as he cradles the still pink newborn. I look over to my left where Mikasa and her dad are and see a look of bewilderment on Mikasa’s face and one of adorement on her father’s.

            “Would any of you like to hold him?” The nurse asks us all and the father of the newborn seems to be snapped out of his daze and nods his head quickly, holding out his hands to be passed the little bundle of blue and flesh. The nurse carefully hands over the newborn and steps back after doing so and we all watch as the father looks at his own flesh and blood with the most loving look. He gently pulls down the blanket a little bit so it was easier to see his face and tiny hands that were coddled up near his chin.

            He had a peaceful look on his sleeping face and had his mouth open to breathe. His hair was a fluffy, dark brown, almost black, colour and it didn’t completely cover his tiny head, but the majority of it was covered. Mr Ackerman gently placed his finger on the baby’s miniature, pink hand, which had triggered it to latch on and bring a smile to all our faces. Mr Ackerman looks to Mikasa and asks her if she would like to hold him, to which she asks if it would be safe and he replies with ‘of course!’

            They transfer the baby and Mikasa awkwardly holds the fragile child, not knowing quite how to hold him. She has her hand on the back of his head to support it as the rest of the body is supported by her other arm and hand. It certainly looks like a very awkward position, luckily he slept on; _heavy sleeper_.

            “What did you want to name him?” Mikasa looks up at her father’s question with a confused look on her face and he elaborates. “Well, I thought that since he’s your brother, you’d like to name him maybe?” Her mouth falls open in bewilderment before she closes it and has a calm, relaxed look back on.

            “Well, I had a few that I was hoping to use, but one really stood out…”

            “Oh yeah? And what was it?” She kisses her brother’s forehead as best she can before replying.

            “Aysen.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 7 is up! Let me know what you think in the comments.  
> Sorry for what happened heh, my hand slipped.  
> If you like this story, please spread it around to anyone who'll like it! Thank you for still reading!


	8. Learning To Mourn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Funeral time.

 

           The aura was happy. Everyone was excited, yet remorseful. We had filled out all the forms to be able to take Aysen home and set up the funeral for Mrs Ackerman; which was next week, and we were now back at the house sitting in the lounge room. Armin and Jean had come over in Armin’s car this time as soon as they had seen the message and asked where we were now and so met up with use here.

            At the moment Armin was holding the sleeping newborn with Jean and Mikasa flanking him on either side as they all fawned over him. Mr Ackerman was in the kitchen setting up some snacks and making tea for us and a bottle of newborn milk that we had bought on the way back.

            Aysen must’ve woken up at that moment because the three engrossed with him start to aww and coo at him. _Nob-heads, honestly._ I roll my eyes at them and head into the kitchen to help Mr Ackerman with the snacks. He was currently putting some biscuits on a tray that was next to a medium sized bowl of chips. There were 4 cups on the bench off to the side that had teabags in them – Jean didn’t want one – and the kettle that was on the gas stove looked like it was about to start letting out steam from boiling.

            “Did you want me to help with the tea?” Not knowing that I had entered, Mr Ackerman quickly looks over at me from being startled at my sudden question.

            “Yeah yeah sure, that’d be great thanks.” I nod and walk over to the kettle, which had just finished boiling, and turn off the gas. I pick the kettle up and pour about 3 quarters into each cup, leaving enough room for cold water – or milk for myself. I finish them off and pick up 2 of the 4, Mr Ackerman picking up the other 2, and put the bowl of chips between my arm and waist, leaving the platter for him.

            I walk into the lounge room carefully, so as not to spill the tea and drop the bowl, with Mr Ackerman in tow. I awkwardly position myself to hand Armin his one-sugar tea so I have a free hand to put the chips down and sit on the floor next to the coffee table. Armin thanks me for his tea and Mikasa thanks her dad for hers as he passes it to her, puts the platter next to the chips, and sits on the single armchair.

            Mikasa, Jean and Armin are situated on the three seater couch in said order with Jean cradling the baby in his arms. Suddenly remembering something, Mr Ackerman springs up from his chair, rushing back into the kitchen. He returns with a baby bottle filled with milk and hands it to Jean.

            “Would you mind feeding him this for me, Jean?”

            “Yea sure!” Jean took the offered bottle and bounced his arm that the baby was lying on to wake him up as he had once again fallen asleep. Aysen blinked his eyes open and did a tiny yawn which made the three closest to him ‘aww’. He looked up at Jean curiously and in turn Jean brought the bottle to his lips for him to drink.

            Aysen latched on to the mouthpiece and suckled to get the milk out. _That’s a good sign. He knows how to feed properly. Hopefully the milk we bought is close enough to the real deal._ He looked like he was in bliss as he drank the milk greedily. Must’ve been fairly hungry since we hadn’t been able to feed him since we got him but they would’ve fed him at the hospital surely.

            “So why the name Aysen?” Armin had looked up from the bundle of flesh to ask Mr Ackerman.

            “You’ll have to ask Mikasa that, she’s the one that decided on his name.” Armin looked over questioningly at Mikasa then, waiting patiently for an answer, to which she replied.

            “Well I wanted to find a name with a good meaning, so I searched online at heaps of websites and found a few, but this one was my favourite. It is Turkish, and means ‘beautiful like the moon’. I think that it’s quite fitting.” She reaches her hand out and places it on his round stomach, rubbing small circles on it.

            There was a heavy feeling in the room; everyone is avoiding the big topic, not knowing just how to bring it up exactly. How do you bring up such a sensitive topic anyway? You can’t just be like ‘oh yea and what about the dead one?’ there’s a possibility of someone crying or simply making everything even more awkward than it already is.

            We all sat in a heavy silence, the occasional suckling sound coming from the feeding baby. After a few more seconds of no one making a move, Mr Ackerman puts his cup of tea down on the coffee table, next to the untouched biscuits and chips, and sits up a bit straighter, obviously wanting to get everyone’s attention.

            “So, the funeral will be next Saturday in the morning. We should start contacting anyone that is close enough that would attend; unless we want a simple, small funeral.” He pointed the last part to Mikasa in a kind of questioning way, sort of indirectly asking what she would prefer to do.

            “We don’t really have anyone to invite to the funeral apart from these guys. All of her family, that we don’t speak to, is in Turkey, and your family, whom we don’t speak to also, is in Germany. We can send them a letter or call them both to let them know what happened, but I don’t think she was all that close to either of them for them to come. I would prefer to have a small one anyway; less commotion.” She takes a sip of her tea as she finishes speaking and leans closer to Jean, seeking out his warmth and comfort.

            Aysen, obviously full now, stops drinking from his bottle and turns his face away, to which Jean quickly pulls the bottle away from his face. Aysen makes little gurgling noises that sound very worrying but Mr Ackerman is quick to take action and speak up.

            “You have to burp him now Jean since he can’t do so himself.” He makes a gesture of holding his hands up to his shoulder, as if he were actually holding a baby, and does a show of patting said imaginary baby, indicating for Jean to do the same.

            Jean hesitantly brings the gurgling baby up to his shoulder, placing him securely and comfortably, before gently patting his back and bobbing his shoulder slightly up and down. After about 10 seconds of repeatedly doing that, Aysen finally burped… and vomited on Jean’s shoulder. He immediately froze up and blanched, he didn’t quite want to believe what he thought that was. He slowly turned his head to the revolting crime scene on his shoulder and, upon seeing the white, milky spew on his shirt, groans in half-assed frustration.

            “Eugh, I’ll go get a wash cloth for you.” Mikasa got up to get the item and Jean just continues to rub circles on the now peaceful baby. She returns after hearing the sound of water running in the kitchen and decides to clean the mess herself, to which Jean gratefully thanked her for.

            “So, we’ll be having only us at the funeral then?” Mr Ackerman carries on with the previous conversation. “Your grandfather is invited of course Armin, and your mother too Jean, don’t worry.” They both nod in affirmation and Armin finally decides to speak up.

            “I’m sure that grandpa will be able to come, he was friends with her from what I understood.” Mr Ackerman nods his head solemnly.

            “Well, that’s all sorted then. Jean, Armin, if you two would like to stay the night or for dinner that’s fine. We’ll probably be having something easy to cook; like eggs on toast or something.”

            “Oh that’s fine sir, I need to finish off some homework, or even simply get started on it. Armin could you give me a lift perhaps?”

            “Yeah sure, I need to get home as well, thanks for the offer though.” They both stand up and we all follow along. Jean hands Aysen to Mikasa, not without saying a little goodbye first, before he shakes Mr Ackerman’s hand and waits at the front door for Armin, who also does the same. I walk up to them and give Armin a short hug in goodbye and Jean a nod. Mikasa also gives Armin a hug and then Jean a kiss on the cheek. We both tell them to have a safe trip home before they finally open the door and leave, leaving the house quiet.

            “Well, I’m getting quite tired so I’m going to put Aysen in his cot and head off, goodnight guys. Don’t worry about dinner for me, I’m not really hungry.” Mikasa gives her father and I a kiss before heading off to her room. We had decided to put the cot in her room since she said it was fine and would tend to him during the night. _What a doting sister._

“I’m going to sleep as well; I’m not all that hungry either, goodnight.” I give a half-hearted wave to Mikasa’s dad before heading off to my respective room and face-planting straight on to the bed after closing my door. _This entire day had been non-stop from the moment I woke up from that nightmare. It’s amazing just how much can change in the span of a day, and how unsuspecting it can be._

_One minute Mrs Ackerman is there, the next she’s gone and we are given a new life to take care of and bring up properly with lots of love and care. I’ve never taken care of a baby, so we’ll have to see how this goes. From the looks of it though, Mikasa will be taking care of everything, so I don’t have to worry._ I should probably try and sleep now, it’s not late at all, only around 7pm, but if I sleep it’ll just make the night go quicker and prevent my thoughts from treading into a dangerous territory once again.

            I get into a more comfortable position on my stomach with my hand under the pillow and facing the left so I’m technically laying on my right side, and fall into a traumatic sleep yet again.

 

            “Eren, come on, it’s time to get up. You need to get dressed, have a shower too; you smell.” Mikasa loudly wakes me up and orders. I lay and try to remember just why I would need to get ready when it’s Saturday; meaning no school. Then hits me; the funeral. It’s today. I can’t believe that it’s been a little over a week since Mrs Ackerman had passed. It feels like forever. It’s so different without her here to greet every day.

            I sit up in my bed and rub my face to help wake myself up. I stand up, grab a clean pair of boxer briefs and the spare suit that Mikasa’s dad leant me and made my way to the bathroom. I lock the door behind me, strip of my trackies and underwear that I had slept in and enter the shower, turning it on to full blast of heat.

            I grab the loofa and soap and make a foam before scrubbing my wet body thoroughly, causing my skin to go a heated red from doing so. I rinse off the suds and wash my hair and face quickly before turning off the spray of water and exiting to towel myself dry and get dressed. I do all this mechanically, not really thinking or paying any attention to what I was doing. It was only when I was brushing my teeth and staring blankly at my reflection in the mirror did my gaze focus.

            Mikasa was standing in the doorway behind me, holding Aysen in her arms. She had on a black dress that was simple; didn’t show off her curves in that overly alluring way. It was one of those dresses that you’d see in an old TV show or movie where there is an elderly lady or adult in a not very wealthy home, and she’s wearing that typical, old dress. That’s the type that Mikasa was wearing, except it wasn’t old or dusty.

            “Are you almost ready to go?” I spit out the toothpaste in my mouth and rinse so that I can answer her without spitting toothpaste everywhere. I wipe my mouth on the hand towel and turn to walk up to her.

            “Yeah I’m ready. Are we leaving now? I thought it didn’t start for a while?” She moves out into the hallway, propping Aysen, who is in tidy-ish clothes, or at least as tidy as baby onesies can get, closer in her arms so that he’s more comfortable and we walk down the hallway and to the open dining room and kitchen as she speaks.

            “We have to be there a bit earlier; also dad wants to beat the traffic; even though it is a Saturday.”

            “There’s still traffic on Saturday’s!” You can hear the jokingly serious tone of Mr Ackerman’s voice as he calls out from wherever he is, obviously being able to hear our conversation. He walks down the hallway from his own room all dressed and ready in his own suit. “Well, shall we get going then?”

            “Yep, we’re all set to go. I have Aysen’s stuff here so we don’t have to worry about that. Jean and his mum will be attending as well as Armin and his grandad.” Mikasa had picked up Aysen’s little bag that had all his necessities inside of as she spoke and we were at the car as she finished. Hopping into the backseat of the family car, Aysen on the other side in his special baby seat, I grab out my phone and headphones so that I can listen to my music and fix my suit a bit so that I could sit properly without being uncomfortable.

            I click shuffle on my music and [Centuries](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LBr7kECsjcQ) by Fall Out Boy plays, engulfing my whole body in the music and distracting my mind somewhat from what’s going on around me as we make our way to the cemetery.

 

            The car jerks to a stop and I’m pulled from my half asleep daze to exit the car. Mikasa opens the door to the baby’s side so that she can retrieve him, sending me a look as if to say ‘you have to get out of the car now’, and that spurs me on to do as her face commands.

            Exiting the car, I simply pay no attention to anything what-so-ever and simply follow Mr Ackerman, Mikasa following a little ways behind as she was left to get the bag out of the car as well as the baby, and we meet up with Armin and his grandpa first.

            “Ah, Mr Arlert, thank you for coming today.” Mr Ackerman shook hands with said man as they greeted each other.

            “It was no problem at all. I wouldn’t miss this for the world. She was such a kind hearted woman.” Armin is basically a spewing image of his grandfather. Ok maybe not entirely looks-wise, but he definitely got his manners from him. You know what they say: apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

            Armin had been standing beside his grandpa and after he shakes Mikasa’s dad’s hand, he walks up to us to say his greetings. “Hey guys, how’re you all doing?” Like he wouldn’t know, he’s been spending practically every afternoon at our place. Mind you, just like Jean who was doing the same thing. They spend most of their time fawning over the new addition to the family, always finding something new to coo about.

“Yeah, everything is going ok I guess. You saw us yesterday though.” He pays attention to me as I speak and gives a nervous chuckle as he says ‘yeah’. Both Armin and his grandpa were smartly dressed; much like Mr Ackerman and I. Mr Arlert was wearing a suit that was obviously very old, _probably from his day._ It was no less formal than the rest of ours though. Armin was also wearing a suit that was obviously a hand-me-down from his grandpa, much like mine.

            At that moment another car pulls up and Jean and his mother walk out of it and walk up to us. We all greet them and Mr Ackerman says that we can start the ceremony since everyone was here. We all head into the church and sit down to listen to the guy speak. We all seemed pretty mechanical; going through things as we are supposed to. One minute the church guy is speaking, then Mr Ackerman says some words, then Mikasa and the rest of us. The next minute we’re in the cemetery grounds and they’re lowering the casket into the ground as we each throw a flower and some dirt on top of it.

           None of us really seemed to be alive. All of us mourning the loss of such a wonderful woman. We were all just so out of it. Then it’s all over. She’s buried and it’s finally hitting down. The past week was already bad enough, even with the distraction of Jean and Armin visiting every day and having to take care of Aysen’s constant needs. We all glumly walk to our cars, hug each other and Mr Ackerman and I each receive condolences from the others before everyone gets into their respective vehicles and head our own ways.

            I can’t even be bothered to listen to my music on the trip home I’m so out of it. It’s really strange you know; someone dies, you’ll be sad of course and everything feels surreal, but it doesn’t quite sink in that wow, someone important to me and other people has actually died and we’ll never see them or be embraced with their presence, until you actually attend the funeral. That’s when the waves come crashing down and it finally sinks in.

            The car trip home was quick, yet a long ride at the same time. The air too heavy for anyone to dare make a noise; even Aysen whom had decided to be less angelic like the day he was born – all quiet and peaceful – and had begun to cry about anything and everything he can it seems. Yet not even he dared to make a single gurgle noise even now.

            _That was the first funeral that I’ve been to actually. Dad never had one for Ma; probably was too psycho to have one. Or maybe he actually did somewhat have feelings after all and felt guilty about killing her. Maybe he even thought that they’d somehow find out that he was the one that killed her. How did no one know that she died though? Like, she just disappeared and noon around questioned a single thing. Perhaps dad had someone on the inside doing his dirty work and pulling all the right strings for him._

_I wonder how he’s doing in prison. I haven’t heard anything from or about him since. The police never called to say how things were going, they only ever called me once and that was about 1 or 2 hours after I first called them to lock up the abusive bastard. He must still be in there if I haven’t heard anything. I’d assume that they’d let me know if something happened._

We park in the driveway and all immediately unbuckle and exit the car. I decide to help Mikasa this time and carry the baby bag for her _; it was heavier than I thought. I still haven’t held Aysen yet, too scared that I’m gonna drop him or not hold him properly and break him. Babies are scary creatures, whether you’re carrying them or not. He’s only a week old, but he’s slowly beginning to be able to support his own neck now so it’ll be less frightening of the aspect of actually eventually holding him; maybe._

            We walk into the house, kick off our shoes and I drop the baby bag on the floor next to the bookcase in the dining room. It was 2:49 in the afternoon as my phone informs me – we must have been out longer than I thought since we left at around 9:45 this morning – and I was getting a tiny bit peckish since I haven’t eaten at all yet today. I don’t have a very big appetite at all really, only having one small proper meal a day; and even then I will sometimes get full.

            I walk into the kitchen, open the fridge and see so many invisible ingredients to make a whole buffet out of. Delicious. “There’s no food in the fridge guys. Can’t make any food at all for dinner.” I call out for whoever will listen. Mikasa shuffles up next to me with Aysen in her arms, she’s practically never seen without him since she’s the main carer for him,and inspects the fridge for herself.

            “Yeah, seems that we’ll have to go shopping. We need more diapers anyway and baby powder so we can get those as well.” _Wait, why is she saying ‘we’? Does she mean everyone or just her and dad or her and me?_ “Put your shoes back on and grab Aysen’s bag, I’ll go get the keys and let dad know where we’re going.” _That settles my unspoken question then._

            I do as she says and put my shoes on and grab the backpack again as Mikasa retrieves the car keys from her dad whom had gone straight to his room to probably change and have some alone time and also let him know what we’re doing. Actually, Mikasa and I should get changed as well since we’re both still wearing our funeral clothes since we had basically just gotten home.

            “Mikasa, I’m going to quickly get changed out of this suit, you should change as well.” I call out to her as I put down my things and head to my room to change. When I come back out and head to the front door to wait for Mikasa, she’s already there and changed; same with Aysen. “Ah, I see that you already had the idea. Should we go then?” I have my shoes back on again and have the backpack on my back and look up when Mikasa doesn’t answer me immediately. Her head was down; her eyes trained on the floor and looking very glum.

            She nods her head a bit and turns to head out the door so that we can leave and I speak up. “Mikasa, we don’t have to go out if you don’t feel like it. We can order some pizza or something.”

            “No, it’s fine. Just dad was simply just, just sitting there. He looked so lost Eren. I’m worried about him. He hasn’t been coping well at all this past week. I mean, no one really has, but he hasn’t been all that aware since.” She sighs heavily before continuing to speak. “Let’s just go to the shops. It’ll take our minds off things at least for a little while hopefully.” I nod and we make our way to the car after closing the front door behind me.

            Hopefully shopping does take her mind off things and distracts her for just this little bit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Less words this time guys sorry. I'm lagging behind on writing my chapters so I apologize beforehand if I fail to post it on the designated day. When I've posted chapter 10 I will take a short brake to catch up on my writing.  
> This chapter hasn't been proof read yet so I apologize if there are any spelling or grammar mistakes.  
> I will go over the chapter later and fix anything then update it.  
> Let me know what you think! Thank you!


	9. Learning To Shop

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shopping time! Eren bumps into a certain someone, and becomes friends with another.

It was busy. Yet you could still walk through properly. Walmart was fairly crowded since it was a Saturday and everyone was doing their weekend shopping or are like us: got no ingredients for dinner. Mikasa is carrying Aysen – like always – so I was stuck having to carry a basket so we could hold the groceries. I was also – as always – stuck with carrying Aysen’s bag on my back like a pack horse.

            We walk around the fruit and veg section and Mikasa starts loading stuff into the basket. She puts carrots, some potatoes and a half piece of the sweet pumpkin and I can’t help but wonder what she was planning to cook. As I follow her around, she leads us to the meat section and picks out a small, yet decently sized chicken and I just have to voice out my thoughts.

            “Err… what were you planning on us having for dinner?” She gives me the ‘are you stupid?’ look and I just stare back still questioning. At my non-response, she answers.

            “I was going to cook a roast chicken with roasted carrot, potatoes and pumpkin. We haven’t had it in ages so I thought that it would be a nice treat.”

            “Ah ok. That would explain it then.”

            “Yep. Ok, now we just need the baby stuff and that should be it.” We continue walking to the necessary aisle and Mikasa grabs the required items and places them in the increasingly heavy basket when she gasps in discovery or something. “We need apples. You wait here, I shouldn’t be long ok. Can you hold Aysen for me.” She holds him out to me and I have no idea what to do.

            “Mikasa, I’ve never held him before.”

            “That’s fine. He’s just like any other baby. He’s no different to hold.”

            “I’ve never held any baby before.” She just stares at me for a moment before telling me to put the basket down and hold out my hands and shows me how to hold him properly and comfortably. I just awkwardly hold him and tell her to hurry up and get the things; so that I don’t have to hold him for longer than necessary.

            I’m basically the only person in the aisle, with the basket at my feet and Aysen awkwardly and surely uncomfortably in my arms, until a few seconds later two men stroll into the aisle engaged in a seemingly heated or maybe passionate conversation. I only noticed that they had even entered the aisle as I caught a glimpse of them out of my peripheral vision before focusing my gaze to the ground and shuffling a bit on my feet.

          “I’m telling you: Vaseline is a shitty lubricant. It damages the condom and can make it brake.” That voice is worryingly familiar…

            “How would you even know that though? Did you actually get some action that required condom and lubricant and not tell me?” That deep voice is even more familiar…

            “Fuck you. No I didn’t, I read about it. When you get bored you look up weird shit ok. Now, let’s get these stupid flavoured condoms that four-eyes was talking about and le-” The voice that was bringing me increasingly worse anxiety as they spoke suddenly cut off and their foot-steps come to a complete stop about a metre or so away from me and I can hear them whisper what seems to be an angered ‘oh for fucks sake’. I don’t even dare to look up; afraid of what I’ll see.

            “Why’d you stop? Le- agh!” The guy whom had been speaking gets cut off by a sudden groan of pain and a hissed ‘shut the fuck up’. I glance at them out the corner of my eye, not moving my head, and see a dark-haired man standing next to a tall enough person that I couldn’t even see his hair colour without moving my head to see; which I can’t do. The tall person was rubbing at the side of his stomach – he must’ve been elbowed and that was why he groaned in pain and stopped talking.

            “Eren?” Now that the male’s deep voice was saying something I was more accustomed to, I could almost pinpoint exactly who it is, but why would he be having such a strange topic of conversation before? “Eren, you know it’s disrespectful to ignore your elders.” Yep. I definitely know who that voice belongs to now. I’ve heard it plenty of times in that hard, disappointing tone to just forget that easily.

            “Sorry Mr Smith, I was in my own world.” I say as I raise my head to meet his gaze; not paying attention to the person beside him as his eyes practically demand your full attention whenever you speak with him or he speaks to you.

            “Ah, that’s completely understandable, especially for you, hah. So, are you waiting for someone or were you just going to stand in the middle of the aisle all day?” He always speaks with such a happy and uplifting tone that I don’t think he could ever insult someone, especially when he gives you his trademark warm smile. He’s a completely different character when out of the school setting; less authoritative.

            “Uh, yeah, I was waiting for Mikasa to return.”

            “Is that your baby, kid?” I am forced to break eye contact with Principal Smith and focus my attention on the shorter than average, dull faced man next to him. _Oh shit. Just my fucking luck. I run into my principal at the shops along with a stripper whom he seems to be somewhat friends – or at least acquaintances – with, and to top it all off they had been talking about, and about to buy, condoms and lube._

“Uh, um no. He’s my friend’s brother.”

            “Then why do you have him? Are you babysitting or some shit?”

            “Sorry about my friend Eren. He can be quite rude.” Principal Smith interrupts and sends a warning look at the stripper to which he receives an equally nasty glare back.

            “Yeah I know.” Principal Smith gives me a confused look and I end up being on the receiving end of the raven-haired’s death glare and then realize my mistake. “I – I mean, I know how that feels. When someone is blunt and an asshole. I’m in your office a lot because of it after all. With Jean and everything.” I nervously chuckle, hoping that that can make up for my slip of the tongue.

            “Mm, yeah…” Principal Smith sounds thoughtful as he speaks and I’m worrying for my life honestly. It’s no secret the he is an extremely smart and tactful man; almost everyone knows it at school. Whenever there is a fight – and example being Jean and I – he is always able to get the truth out of both parties and sort everything out.

            “Ok, yep. Time to leave. Just forget about the stupid fucking condoms. I don’t feel like being out anymore. This was a horrible idea and I knew it. Bye Brat.” I flinch at the nickname and feel heat rise up inside of me from both anger and worry at being found out. He doesn’t notice this though as he had already turned around to start walking away. He had grabbed Mr Smith’s sleeve in a loose grip and gently tried to drag him away so he can leave but he wouldn’t budge. I swear I heard him mutter ‘fuck’ under his breath.

            “Have you two met before?”

            “No. We haven’t. Let’s go.” He continues to persist in leaving but his effort all goes to waste. I simply stand there with a sleeping Aysen, who had seemed to have gotten comfortable and snuggled up in my arms, and don’t reply to his question.

            “You have met. Where exactly did you meet each other?” He gives me a pointed look and I instantly know as to where he is referring to. The ravenet works at a strip club. Him being his friend, he would know of this fact. I’m underage to be going in clubs; that would be the reason for the meaningful look that I am receiving at this moment from my principal.

            “I saw him sleeping against a wall on the side-walk and he was fidgeting so I decided to – for some unknown reason – wake him up and he punched me out of nowhere.” He speaks up for me in his monotone, deep voice. Principal Smith mouths an understanding ‘ah’ and nods.

            “So when you told us about a kid that punched you straight in the face. It was Eren here?”

            “Yes. That’s the shitty brat that did that. Now that’s sorted, let’s go.”

            “Why are you in such a rush? I feel like I’m missing something here. You know each other more than that. You said you left straight after he hit you, so why are you quite so skittish then, huh?” He just gets a glare from the other man and grins. “Bingo. So, how else do you know each other, hmm?” He seems to be more teasing his friend at this point and seems completely unaffected by the murderous look that he is still being the target of. _Must be used to it. I don’t know how he’s not cowering from such a menacing glare but he practically seems immune to it._

“Ok. Fine. You wanna know where else I met this shit? At the club. Yep. Saw him sitting at the bar and for yet again some unknown fucking reason, I decided to fucking talk to him. You happy now Eyebrows?!” He was practically seething with anger and definite murderous intent as he hissed out the explanation. _Shit. I’m under aged and now my principal knows that I was at a club. Fucking fabulous._

“Yes. I’m quite happy thank you.”

            “Fuck off.”

            “Eren! Sorry I took so long, we needed more things than I remembered.” _Finally! Mikasa has come to save me!_ She was now carrying her own basket with food and other things in it. _Stupid trolleys that need a dollar to use. “_ Ah, Principal Smith, funny seeing you here.”

            “Mikasa.” He greets her with a cheerful voice and his trademark, warm smile. “We should probably get our stuff and get going now. It was nice talking with you Eren. Have a nice afternoon you two.” He goes to walk around us to retrieve his items but the ravenet doesn’t move; he is just staring at Mikasa with a confused and thoughtful look on his face.

            “Mikasa…?” He hesitantly addresses her and she turns to him.

            “Yes?”

            “Your last name is Ackerman right?”

            “Why do you want to know?” She has a defensive tone and stance now, as if she will fight him if he dares.

            “Just, please. You’re 17 right?” He continues to question her and he’s honestly scaring me with how much he knows about her, when, as far as I know, this is the first time they’ve met.

            “Yes. I am an Ackerman and I am 17. Why do you seem so familiar?”

            “Because… I’m your uncle. I think. I’m your mother’s brother. Do you remember me?”

            “I, I think I met you once though, when I was really young; so I don’t really remember you at all.” She had taken a breath at the mention of her mother and had to recollect herself quickly before she spoke; but otherwise she seemed fairly good with the whole thing. I think she’ll be fine. “Why did I never see you again? No one ever told me. When I’d ask about you they’d get mad and say to not talk about you. What did you do?”

            “I came out as gay, and they obviously didn’t like that. So my folks kicked me out and none of the family would have anything to do with me.” Mr Smith is now giving him a concerned look and looks as though he’s about to step in. “But that’s in the past. Just forget about that shit. I’m fine so that’s all that matters. Uh, we should really go now Erwin. Bye Mikasa, Brat.” He walks around us to Mr Smith and they pick up a few boxes and tubes before leaving.

            Mikasa turns to me and looks down at the undisturbed baby that is still sleeping in my arms and her face goes completely calm with a small smile. “He seems really comfortable in your arms Eren. I think he likes you more than me and you’ve barely held him for that long.” _Great; I have a way with babies. I’m probably gonna be stuck looking after him more often now._ “So, what did you and the Principal talk about?”

            “Just random stuff. Nothing important.” _She can’t know about her uncle and me. She’d definitely not like that._

“So do you know my uncle somehow? He seemed to be talking as well and acknowledged you when saying goodbye.” _Shit._

            “I accidentally punched him once when he woke me up from a nightmare. That’s all. He wasn’t too happy, but yeah.” _At least I told her the truth. She doesn’t need to know the rest._

“Ok then. Typical Eren. Well, we have everything we need, let’s go home then. I’ll carry the baskets; Aysen looks really content in your arms there.” _Greeaat._ She picks up the two baskets as promised – I still had Aysen’s bag on my back – and we head to the checkout, pay, then go to the car. Aysen has his own special seat in the backseat, so I go to pass him to Mikasa, but when I take him away from my body to pass him, he makes his little uncomfortable noise that he makes as a warning that ‘you’d better stop whatever you’re doing because I’m going to cry’.

            “Wow. He really doesn’t want to leave you. I don’t really feel like dealing with his crying right now. Do you think you could hold him on the way home?”

            “Yeah, sure. Happy baby, happy surrounders.” _Greeeaaat._ We get into the car after putting all the groceries in the boot and I settle myself in the passenger seat with Aysen tucked safely – yet comfortably – in my arms. Mikasa settles in the driver’s seat and after buckling her seatbelt, sets off for home.

            Nothing special happened on the way back and so when we got back, we got out of the car and I realised I wouldn’t be able to help Mikasa carry the bags inside since Aysen is in my arms. I voice this out to her and she says not to worry about it and to just go wait inside on the couch or something. So I do.

            Walking inside, I call out that we’re home and head straight to the lounge room. Mr Ackerman walks in and, upon seeing me, takes a step back and just stares at me. _That’s right, I’m still holding Aysen. No one has seen me hold him before. It must be quite a strange sight to see._

“I think this is a first right? You haven’t held Aysen before. Usually he’s never seen without Mikasa. Sorry I just need to get used to this sight before it never happens again.”

            “Heh, yeah. Mikasa had to get something quickly when we were shopping so she gave him to me and then when I was going to give him back he almost started crying. Then he almost started crying again when I was about to put him in his car chair. So yea.” At that point Mikasa walks through the door lugging all of the grocery bags and says hi to her dad.

            “Hey Mikasa. I see that Aysen has a new favourite person.”

            “Yeah, he refused to be separated from him.” She had put the bags down in the kitchen and joined us in the lounge room. I was sitting on the couch with Aysen while they both stood and watched me.it was almost as if they were studying me; watching my every move.

            “Hey, so what time is it?” I ask because it was getting weird with them just standing there and Mikasa checks her phone and replies.

            “It’s 3:34. Why?”

            “I was wondering ‘cuz I was thinking of having a nap before dinner. Is that alright?”

            “Yeah that’s fine, of course. I don’t think Aysen will be happy with that though.”

            “Well we can try, right?” I stand and walk up to Mikasa so that I can pass the peaceful – now awake – baby to her. Yet – as expected – when I move him away from my chest, he made his little groan/cry noise and I instantly pulled him back against me.

            “Looks like you’re either not going to be able to have a nap, or you’ll have to nap with him.” Mr Ackerman had stepped up and Mikasa hummed in agreement.

            “Guess I’ll just lay him next to me or something. Call me when dinner’s ready. Or if you need help with it also.”

            “Yep. Don’t worry about helping. Knowing you, you’ll probably do something wrong somehow. Have a good nap.” She chuckles at her joke and I join her. _It is true. I’m a horrible cook._ I walk down the hallway and into my room. I can’t be bothered changing, I’m in comfortable enough clothes anyway, so I sit on my bed, on top of the covers, and wiggle my way to the middle. Slowly, I move Aysen away from my body so as not to upset him, and he miraculously doesn’t make a sound. I wonder if it’s because it’s only me near him. Or maybe it’s my scent that he likes and since he’s in my room he doesn’t need to worry.

            Since he seemed content with everything and just looked at me – more like into my eyes – calmly, I place him gently on the bed next to me, positioned on his back, and lay down on my side next to him. I put my arm over him, careful not to squish or suffocate the tiny thing, and somewhat cuddle him close to me.

            _He’s so tiny. How can such a small thing, grow into something as big as me? How can such a small thing, have the ability to male an enormous impact on the future? How can such a small thing, turn into either an angelic being, with practically no problems, or turn into a destructive demon such as myself? I can’t let him be like me. I will not let him have the type of childhood that he regrets. I will not let him destroy himself. I will do my best to let this tiny bundle of innocence have the best upbringing possible._

As I make my oath to the bundle of ignorance, I had locked my mismatched eyes with his as I gently ran my hand over his fluffy strands and played with his oh-so-tiny hands. He simply lay there and looked into my eyes as well. _I wonder if he’s fascinated by them. He would surely be used to it and be completely fine with it since he sees my eyes nearly every day. It wouldn’t be possible for him to think it’s disgusting or weird, unless someone tells him so. People aren’t born judgemental; they’re told and taught to be._

 _I don’t think I’ve been this calm since my mum died. It’s like Aysen is the thing/person to calm me; almost as if he were meant to. I’m going to protect this child from anything. I have the same effect as he does on me it seems. He doesn’t fiddle or cry at all, only when we try and be separated._ I begin to tire from being so relaxed and calm and in a comfortable position and my eyes begin to droop as I slowly nod off. Aysen’s hand reaches out to my face from what I can see out the slits of my eyes and he lightly touches my mouth, close to my nose.  

I smile against his tiny palm and gently kiss it. He reaches out with his other hand but he can’t quite reach since it was the further arm and so I place my finger near his outstretched hand and he grabs onto it. My hands are massive in comparison to his. His one finger can just barely grip my pointer finger. Such an adorable being.

I begin to drift off more and eventually I fall into a light, relaxing sleep. Aysen stays quiet, as he does when with me, with my hand now on his small stomach and my arm that is under me around my head and my hand resting near his head. His stomach’s small rise’s and fall’s soothe me into an even more calm state and I’m completely content with everything that nothing destructive makes its way into my mind for once.

            What a nice feeling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 9 is up! Someone order a happy chapter?  
> Let me know what you think and if there are any errors down in the comments below!


	10. Learning To Socialize

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We have some catch up time with the gang and Mikasa suggests something for Eren to do.

Time was dragging. It felt like this lesson was going on forever. History/geography is my worst subject by far. It’s not like I don’t want to learn anything, it’s that I’m incapable of doing good; even when I tried. The teacher was babbling on about something to do with the way bushfires work, but for the life of me I wouldn’t be able to recount or understand what she was going on non-stop about.

            We were currently learning about things to do with geography, as that’s the subject that we were on at the moment. The school decided to mix History and Geography together so you learn about one in the first half of the school year and then the other in the remaining half. Thus, here we are pointlessly learning about bushfires of all things. _The things they enforce upon us to learn._

_We barely ever get bushfires over here anyway. The country with the highest risk of them is Australia. Why should we be forced to learn about such a useless thing to us?_ My notebook that was actually open in front of me for once had near to nothing written inside of it, I don’t see the point in me even trying when I’m just going to fail anyway.

            Now the old hag that was up the front was drawing a diagram that looked to be vertical lines with bumpy circles on top of them and jagged circles below them. _She should never become an art teacher._ She takes the whiteboard marker in hand again and draws in more vertical lines, that were shorter than the others, and puts them below and between the vertical lines with bumpy circles on top. _Definitely should never become an art teacher._

She now labels the lines and indicates that the long lines with bumpy circles are in fact supposed to be trees and the short lines between them are leaf litter and dry grass and the jagged circles are fire blazes. How those drawings are supposed to be their indicated figures, I have no idea, but apparently that’s what they’re supposed to be.

            She continues to ramble on about what each object means and its input to bushfires. _It’s obvious what each one does though, why would you need to be taught that?_ I don’t pay any attention – as usual – to the teacher’s rambling and simply draw little patterns in my book as I wait for the bell to ring and signal that this period is over.

            A scribble here and a scribble there and the next thing I know, my whole page is covered in swirls and circles and many other designs to make a massive pattern. The bell rings and the whole class rushes to pack up their belongings and flee the classroom, myself doing the same.

            “Eren, stay back after class please, I need to have a word with you.” Miss What’s-Her-Face asked of me. Doesn’t bother me, it’s not like I had anything better to do. I continue to pack my things and wait for the rest of the class to leave before walking up to her desk where she had remained. “Eren, you’re not paying any attention in class. Ever. You never take notes; if you want to pass this class, I’m sorry to say, but you’re going to have to study and take notes.” She thinks I don’t know this already. I’m not going to argue with her, there’s seriously no point anyway.

            “Yes Miss, sorry. I’ll take notes next time.”

            “Eren, I’m serious ok. I don’t know what has been going on in your personal life,” _How dare she play the ‘personal life’ card._ Now I can feel the anger beginning to boil up inside of me. “but I truly do want you to pass this class. We can do after school tutoring if you’d like?” _Ew no. I don’t want to spend any more time than necessary with you._

            “That’s fine Miss. No need to go to extremes,” _Literally._ “I’ll be going now?” I phrase it as a question just in case she planned on talking to me more.

            “Yes that’s all. Have a nice lunch now. Bye.” She turns back to her work and I turn to leave as I pick up my bag from where I rested it on the floor beside my feet. As I walk out the door I am greeted by Mikasa who was standing beside the door out of my sight.

            “Why did you have to stay in?” She instantly greets me with a question.

            “She wants me to actually take notes and try. I do try… sometimes.”

            “Eren, you can’t just not try. You’ll be failed and have to retake the year.” _People really shouldn’t talk to me when I’m not in the mood. Especially about this._

“Mikasa I know. I have tried, but this class just isn’t my thing. It’s just history and geography anyway. What is that going to help me with in the future? Nothing. That’s what.” I leave it at that to let her think over it or whatever she wants and she just huffs a sigh. She says ‘come on’ and we both walk down the hallway to the cafeteria. I’ve never really liked sitting in the cafeteria; too many people for my liking. I’m happy to just sit outside with one person, or even just myself. I’m not really a people person.

            As we make our way through the crowds of the lunch room to our table, Mikasa asks me if I wanted to go and get some food with her as a little treat, to which I said that I’m fine. We continue to shuffle and push our way past everyone, me using Mikasa as a sort of path maker as I walk behind her, until we finally get to our known table that we have always sat at.

            “Hey guys! You’re finally here. What happened last week? Neither of you came to school at all.” Sasha had spoken up as Mikasa and I walked up to the group. We never got in touch with them last week since we both had to stay home to take care of Aysen. Jean and Armin knew what was up of course, they mustn’t have said anything to the others then it seems.

            “Yeah, last week was really busy, sorry. Just, you know how I said that my mum was pregnant?” She sits down on the seat, in front of Sasha who was on the table – that was her signature seat – and next to Connie, as she speaks. “Well her water broke on the Friday that I had to leave school straight away in first period, and so she had the baby – who I named Aysen, he is a boy – but my mother didn’t make it,” Mikasa seemed to emotionless. She’d be choking on her words if it were last week. What happened to you Mikasa? “So last week Eren and I were organising the small funeral and taking care of Aysen. The funeral was on Saturday.”

            “Oh, wow. I’m so sorry Mikasa-” Connie starts but Mikasa cuts him off.

            “Yeah it’s fine. She’s ok. I’m sure that wherever she is, she’s happy.” Wow. She sure has just gotten over it.

            “Oh, well it’s good that it’s not getting you down, hey?” Connie tries his best to stop the awkward from overtaking the atmosphere.

            “Yeah.” She has a solemness to her attitude now and no one comment anymore.

            “So how is the baby? Aysen was it?” Sasha speaks up this time and puts a small roll of bread in her mouth as she finishes her question. At least she stayed the same.

            “Yeah, he’s great. He doesn’t cry too much luckily. But when he does it’s difficult to make him stop. Even if you give him everything that he needs. But, we did find out that he just adores Eren.” She looks at me at that point and I shrug my shoulders.

            “Awww, who would’ve known that you’d be so good with babies! So what did you do to find out he adores him?” Sasha spoke with her mouth full of chewed bread she was so excited over this news. _Ew._

            “We were shopping for dinner on Saturday and I had to quickly get something so I gave him to Eren, and when I tried to take him back, he almost started crying. And then he also had a nap with him and he was so peaceful. He just naturally loves Eren.”

            “Awwww, that’s so cutee~” Sasha has her hands in fists next to her face and her arms are squishing her body as she does this little wiggle thing. “I have to come over and see him!”

            “Yeah, sure. Are we all free after school today?” Mikasa enquires of everyone to see if they can make plans for today. Everyone confirms that they are free from anything today and so the plan is made that everyone – Jean, Armin, Connie and Sasha – will be coming over this afternoon to see Aysen. _Great._

“So, we’ll meet out the front and all walk together? Or will we hitch a ride with Armin and Jean?” Connie speaks up this time and Jean answers for us.

            “I can give some of us a ride. It’ll be easier since then I don’t have to walk back and get my car. What d’you think Arm?”

            “Yeah, that’s fine with me. So we’ll meet at the parking lot then?”

            “Yep. We’ll meet there and head off.” The bell rings at that moment, indicating the end of lunch and we all grab our things and head of to our next class, bidding each other goodbye and ‘see you later’s.

 

            The bell finally rings for the end of school and everyone – including myself – is rushing to escape this hell hole. I make my way to the car park to meet up with everyone so that we could head back to Mikasa’s altogether. When I turn the corner to said place, I see that Armin, Mikasa and Connie are already there and in the distance I see Sasha and Jean making their way from the other side.

            Sasha runs up to the cars excitedly and starts squealing and hopping from each foot like she needs to pee. “Ahh, I’m so excited!!! We’re going to see the baby~” I finish making my way over and stand next to the car, waiting for the others to get ready so we can go.

            “So, who’s going in which car?” Armin speaks up as Jean finally trots his horse ass over.

            “Well I can fit 4 comfortably, as can you, and there’s 6 of us altogether.”

            “I’ll go with Armin, I prefer his driving. I feel safe knowing that he isn’t driving with hooves.” I really couldn’t help myself. It’s been too long not fighting with Jean. It’s just so satisfying to fight with him.

            “Excuse me Jaeger? What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your whining.” And here we go. I can practically hear the bells for the fighting arena dinging to signal the start of our match.

            “I do not whine. Your long ears just can’t tell the difference between actually speaking and neighing of your kin.” I speak with a slightly majestic or what people would say to be a ‘posh’ accent when I say the last part. I can see his toothy, evil grin from my remark. He enjoys this just as much as I do.

            “At least my ‘kin’ have good looks. Yours must have ascended from the dumpsters and swamps. Especially with the smells you emit. Are you an Ogre? Shrek, is that you?” He says the last part so seriously, one would think he was actually completely serious in what he was saying and not just insulting me

            “Ah, and you must be my loyal steed Donkey! It’s great to finally find you my friend! Where have you been all this time?” We are both grinning now, we know that we’re both joking around and it’s great that we can just click like that. Our fights don’t always end up being physical, although that’s extremely rare if they don’t end up being so eventually.

            “Ah you know, going around, doing what a loyal steed does. So, Shrek, can you tell me, is it true that your dad tried to put an apple in your mouth and eat you?” Ok, he doesn’t know about my family issues, only Mikasa and Armin do, and I trust them enough to have not snitched about it. So Jean doesn’t actually mean what he said, but I can’t help but be extremely offended. The hot-heated teenager in me gets over raged and I step up to Jean with a ferocious face that I probably look like I could eat his face off with just my anger alone.

            “What the fuck was that Kirstein?!”

            “O-kay. That’s enough. No more friendly insults. Let’s go now; I do _not_ want to clean up you two’s blood today, alright.” Mikasa interferes by stepping between us – facing towards me – with her hand on Horse Faces chest and the other on my shoulder. She sends me a warning look, telling me with her eyes what I already know: he doesn’t know just how much he hit the jackpot and thus I don’t actually have any authority to get angry at him.

            I huff a breath and turn to Armin’s car and walk towards the passenger seat. “Let’s just go home already.” I speak in a completely over with everything and defeated voice, feeling exactly how I sound. No one comments on it and Mikasa gets in with Jean along with Connie and Sasha tags along with Armin and I.

            The short ride to Mikasa’s was filled with the sound of the radio and Sasha singing to it. Armin had joined in after a little while when a [song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RZuJ_OHBN78) that he actually knew came on, and they both jammed out to it. It honestly was a hilarious song for Armin to be singing to – and dancing as well – and Sasha was just going completely nuts in the backseat as she jammed out to it.

            They both did a great job of dissipating the awkward and tense atmosphere in the car after what happened with Jean and Armin’s knowledge of what triggered me and Sasha’s ignorance of that knowledge. Armin was rolling his body as much as he could, keeping it to a safe level of body rolling since he was the dedicated driver and Sasha went full out, raising her hands up and rubbing them down her body somewhat seductively as she sang the lyrics in and out of tune.

            Armin knew what set me off with Jean, Sasha didn’t, but she still always tries her best to try and lighten the mood in every situation, it’s practically second nature to her she doesn’t even have to think about trying to brighten the mood. _I really do have good friends._

            The song finishes and they both laugh at themselves, me giving in a small chuckle and smile, and we park on the curb of Mikasa’s house. Armin kills the engine and we all unbuckle and exit the car, the others park just after us. The baby sitter that we had to hire since no one would be home had parked in the drive way and I walk up to the front door and knock for her to open it since I found it locked and didn’t have my spare keys that Mikasa got for me.

            The rest of the group waddle up behind me, all chattering excitedly at the aspect of getting to see the new addition the family, as the door opens to the, probably in her early 20’s, baby sitter that is holding Aysen in her arms. Sasha squeals at the sight of him and the sitter just smiles.

            “Hey Petra, how was he?” Mikasa steps forward and speaks to her.

            “Oh he was amazing! I’ve honestly never looked after such a well behaved baby. He was a complete charm, didn’t even cry once.” This brings a smile to everyone’s face and it was at that point that he just had to start making his little noises of protest; he wants to be passed on.

            “Op, Eren, you better take him so I can fetch the money.” _Why is it always me?_ I do as she says and take the offered baby from the confused woman.

            “When he makes that sound it means that you better make him happy or he _will_ cry like there’s no tomorrow.” I explain to her and she nods in understanding. It honestly was a fairly strange sound for a baby to make, he sounds constipated really.

            “Luckily all we have to do is give him to Eren and he’ll be happy with anything though. Sometimes it’s actually worse because then you don’t know if he’s hungry or soiled his nappy.” They all chuckle at that – it is an actual problem though, he was in my lap and I didn’t even realise – and Petra moves aside for Mikasa to walk in and everyone to follow. “Okay, you guys can go wait in the lounge room and I’ll go get the money for you.” Petra nods and Mikasa scurries off, leaving us to head to the set destination.

            I sit down on the couch, Armin placing himself next to me and Sasha on my other side, and Jean and Connie stand facing us. Petra was standing a bit away so that she can obtain her payment and leave.

            “Awww, he’s just so adorable. He’s only a week old isn’t he?!” I nod and she quietly squeals again. “Ahhh, can I hold him? Pleaaaassse.” I chuckle at her childlike mannerisms and pass him to her – he didn’t start crying for once, must be because I’m still so close to him and he’s curious as to who she is.

            She smiles at him and tickles his belly and plays with his hands when he swings them about. He’s in a very playful mood today luckily, well, more so than usual. He grabs on to her fingers, as he always does when there are any in his reach, and she wiggles her fingers in his grasp. Aysen starts giggling and kicking his feet and Sasha continues to coo at him.

            “So why the name Aysen?” Connie speaks up from his stance in front of us and Armin replies for me.

            “It’s Turkish. It means ‘beautiful like the moon’. Mikasa chose it.” He smiles fondly, as the rest do and Sasha just ‘aww’s even more at this newfound information.

            “It’s such a suiting name for him. He is such a beautiful baby. Looks and personality-wise. He’s going to be such a good kid. Oh my god I can’t wait to see him mature!!! Will he look like Mikasa?! Oh Jesus I can’t handle the wait!”

            “Sasha, calm down. He’ll grow up before you know it, don’t worry.” Mikasa walks back into the room and reassures Sasha of her over-excitement. “Here’s your pay Petra. Thank you so much for taking care of him. I don’t know what I’d do if you weren’t available.” She hands Petra the retrieved cash and she receives a smile in return, Petra has such a lovely personality and I barely even know her.

            “That’s fine dear. Do you need me for the rest of the week? I’m free every day.”

            “Would you really do that for me?”

            “Yes of course! I don’t see why I wouldn’t, haha. It’s no problem at all; he’s such a lovely baby any way.”

            “Well that would be great then, same time each day yeah?”

            “Of course. I’ll see you tomorrow then, have a good night all of you!” We all wave and say goodbye as she leaves and Mikasa closes the door behind her after bidding her a good night as well. Mikasa joins us in the little circle we’ve managed to form and looks around a bit before speaking.

            “You two know that you can sit, right? You don’t have to stand.” She was pointing this out to Jean and Connie who were still hovering over the three of us and they just shrug their shoulders and Connie sits on the floor as Jean fetches a chair from the dining table. “Do any of you guys want some food?” _Sasha will._

            “Oh yes! Do you guys have bread?” _Spot on. Go me._

            “Yeah of course we have bread. But not rolls, just normal loaf bread. Anyone else for food or drinks?” Everyone replies with an ‘I’m fine, thanks’ and she goes to retrieve bread for Sasha and whatever else she possibly wanted. Jean had pulled up his chair now and sat down comfortably and Connie was bouncing on the ground a bit as if he were busting for the toilet.

            “Can I hold him now Sash?”

            “Fiiiiinnnnne.” She reluctantly passes Aysen to Connie and he has the biggest grin on his face at finally being able to hold him.

            “I’ve always wanted a younger sibling, especially a younger brother. I’ve always wanted to be able to muck around with him and prank people with him. He would’ve been the best. Now I have this little guy to do all those things with. He’s kinda like the whole group’s little bro really.” _Now that Connie actually brings it up, he really is._

We all hum in agreement, the others having grins on their faces and nodding to show they agree a lot. Mikasa walks in with a glass of water and piece of bread in hand and Sasha instantly jumps up and runs over to her.

            “Yayyy! Thank you Mikasa! You are my saviour! I was starving, and now, thanks to you, my lord, I am saved!” _Trust Sasha to go completely over the top dramatic. She ate a full plate of food at lunch not two hours ago. This woman eats like there’s going to be a shortage of food and we need to eat as much as we can now._

“Haha, jeez Sash, you just ate.” Mikasa hands the bread over to Sasha and she gratefully grabs it and gobbles it down. They both come over and Sasha takes the arm of the couch as Mikasa sits next to me.

            “That was two hours ago! Such a long time without eating is horrible. I don’t know how I manage to do it every day.”

            “Because you don’t. You’re constantly snacking on something, whether it be chips or something else.” Jean retorts the painful truth and the rest of us nod.

            “Heh, I guess I never realise it then. But I’m still always hungry and you can’t stop me from eating the wonderful foods of this world!”

            “You’ll never be full Sasha, and when you are, we know that something is terribly wrong.” We continue to talk about anything that comes to our mind; classes in school, the annoying teachers that are rude and those that unfairly mark. Then, at around 6 o’clock, they start to leave, saying that they better get home so that they can do their homework and any other chores.

            As the last person leaves – that being Jean – Mikasa finally closes the door, careful not to jostle her arms as she is holding Aysen this time. We head back inside and Mikasa asks if she can talk to me. Confused, I agree and we walk into the lounge room once again and take a seat next to each other.

            “I’m thinking of getting a job. I’ve started my resume – practically finished actually – and I was thinking of going around to places after school each day this week to see who’s hiring.” She pauses to let me go over all the information she just sprung on me and I give her my honest opinion on the matter.

            “Th-that’s great Mikasa!” I have a fake smile on my face to convince her that I truly am happy for her – and don’t feel like I’m being left behind – but I’m not too sure if it actually looks like a smile or what it feels like: a grimace.

            “Yeah, but, I thought that since I was doing something, maybe you could also do something…” _Of course there has to be a compromise._

            “And what would that something be?”

            “Go a see a therapist?” _Excuse me?_ “Just hear me out ok?” She hurries to explain herself and I take that I accidentally spoke my thoughts out loud. “She is an expert in her job and I’ve read that she’s really passionate about it as well. If you don’t want to I understand, but I think it’ll be best for you to go with what has happened and all. It’ll be good to get it all out and actually get helpful points back.” I can see the reason for why she’d want me to go, but if I’m so bad I need to, then she should at least join me as well.

            “If I do decide to go, will you join me?”

            “Why would I need to go?”

            “So that you can tell her about what’s happened and get meaningful tips back on it as well. I don’t really want to go without you being there for back up either.” She nods in understanding and thinks about it for a second.

            “Yeah, ok. If it’ll get you to go, then I’ll tag along with you and get the same stuff. Should we call her tomorrow or wait until Friday or the weekend?”

            “We should probably call her during the week, since they’re working days. We could call her tomorrow after school I guess, and then you can go look for job offers, I might even tag along if I feel like it.” She smiles at me and nods.

            “Great! Then we’ll call her tomorrow. It’s all set then!”

            _Ok then. Now I’m seen as someone that needs a therapist. Am I really that crazy? Don’t crazy people usually get therapists?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 10 is up guys! Sorry that it's a bit later than usual.  
> Finally, we are getting somewhere with the original plotline! As usual, let me know what you think in the comments and inform me of any errors at all.
> 
> I will be going on a short hiatus so that I can catch up the writing of this story. I might post some one-shots - maybe - if I have the time to write them. They will all be prompts that I have found on tumblr so they won't be my own ideas apart from the actual story itself.


	11. Learning To Hunt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren tags along with Mikasa for some job hunting and they both make a call to a dearly needed person.

It was cold. Each day the weather was getting much colder than the previous as we head further into autumn. I was waiting out the front of the school for Mikasa, whom had asked me to meet her here. We were going to check out around town for any jobs that are available then head home to call the psychiatrist she had found. I decided to tag along with her so that I don’t have to wait at home for her and be bored out of my mind.

            Going out simply means that the baby-sitter will have to work a bit longer, but that’s fine, she said that she’ll always work until we get home, no matter what. Mikasa had messaged her anyway just to give her a heads up just in case she does end up getting worried if we take too long.

            I rub my hands together, really regretting not bringing a jacket to go over my thin long sleeved shirt – thinking it would be enough – and puff a hot breath onto my hands to warm them up more and continue to wait for Mikasa. _What’s taking her so long anyway? Did she forget or something?_ A strong, cold wind breezes by, making my entire body shiver and goose bumps erupt all over my skin on my legs and arms.

            At least I decided to wear a pair of slightly thicker jeans today, so that only makes my top half the main victim of the cold, my legs not as affected. I cross my arms and slightly bounce from one foot to the other on the spot, trying to jog the warmth back into my body. Even though I prefer winter to summer, it doesn’t mean that I’m not affected by the cold unfortunately.

            Finally, I hear another person’s feet thudding behind me at a quick pace and Mikasa’s voice arrives just as it gets close enough to me. “Eren, sorry I took so long, I had to speak with the teacher about the work for a bit. You must be freezing, here, take this.” She takes off her black jacket and holds it out to me, to which I look dumbfounded at it. “What? Just take it, Eren.”

            “But you’ll be cold then.”

            “Don’t worry about me, look at yourself, your skin is white, you’re so cold. Just take the damn jacket, Eren; we’re not leaving until you do.” She persists in making me wear the proffered clothing, insisting that she’ll be fine freezing to death because of my idiocy, and I end up reluctantly taking it and shrugging it on, relishing in the warmth that instantly soothed over my chest.

            “Thank you, Mika. So where did you have in mind to look for a job?”

            “Well, cafes almost always have available spots, and they’re simple enough with a fair enough pay, so I was thinking to just go around to the local places and see who is up for hiring.”

            “Ok, that sounds like a good idea. Where to first?”

            “Let’s head to the main street first, they have plenty of places.” I nod and we set off walking next to one another towards said location. The scenery slowly changes as we head closer to the main street, houses turning into stores and roads getting progressively busier. Not as many trees crowd around this area, instead being grown in a small centre park that is in the middle of the tiny town.

            The streets are set up so that you can walk around easily. With crossings at nearly every corner and stores to suit your almost every need, coffee shops are on practically every street. There’re plenty of job opportunities in this little place. We go into almost every coffee place and Mikasa asks each one if they’re hiring, and if they are, she gives them a copy of her resume and her number.

            Not all of them were hiring, but at least 4 of them were, but they said they weren’t sure if they will actually be able to take her in since they didn’t actually need any more people. We continue to walk around; just enjoying ourselves and not being in anyway rush to be anywhere since it’s only just around quarter past 4.

            As we walk to the park in the middle of everything – it’s an unspoken agreement that we stroll there – I notice a new building in the space of where a trashed one used to be.

            “Hey, Mika, look over there.” I point to the aforementioned building and she follows my gaze. “They’ve finally replaced that old junkyard. I wonder what it is; let’s go check it out, yeah?” She nods, her eyes still on the building and we avert our stroll to the brand new, 2 storey building.

            Crossing the road, we are now at a close enough distance, with no objects in the way, to read the bold, black sign at the front, which indicates that the white tiled building is a library; we should tell Armin about this. In smaller letters, just next to the main sign, there are more words that inform that it also includes a café; _of course it does, like we don’t have enough of those already._

Mikasa turns to me and motions her head in the direction of the entrance, silently asking if we should go and check it out, to which I also silently nod. It’s nice to walk in quiet, it’s not necessary to always speak and ruin the peace. We make our way to the entrance and as we walk up to the doors, they automatically slide open; _that’s a new addition for this small town._

As the doors open, I feel a gush of warm air hit me and oh sweet Jesus yes. It’s air conditioned, and they have the heat on. _Thank you, technology!_ We step into the beautifully tempered room onto the tiled floors and our eyes instantly take in our surroundings.

            As soon as you step inside you have the reception/checkout desk to your left which is placed on the white tiled floor and then cuts off to a nice, light grey carpet. There are bookshelves both tall and short and are evenly spaced out so that it gives a feeling of openness to not make customers feel claustrophobic. There are signs that indicate which section is of a certain genre and each one is absolutely filled with books. The sections take up a generous amount of room, making it obvious as to just why the library is two storeys in the first place.

            The genres on this level seem to be more of the non-fictions types; ranging from War books to Autobiography’s and then to Sport facts and techniques and proceeding to ‘how to’ books. In the middle of everything is an escalator with a lift just next to it; they are accompanied with a single stall bathroom just off to the side for people of all types. A hanging sign that is placed above the escalator informs people that the toilets are located here and the fiction section is on the second level, along with the café.

            We both wander around, separating to go our own separate ways, and head off to no particular section. They have an amazing range and selection of books for each genre from what I can see. I just know that Armin will absolutely love this place; he’s always been one for literature. Strolling around, heading in no particular direction nor looking for any specific books, I find myself making my way to the escalator, which will take me to the fiction section and café.

            Taking too long to get to the top, I walk up the escalator and look at all the different coloured books. Fiction books always did look more appealing than non-fiction; no wonder people go more for them. I take a few steps forward so that I’m not blocking the entrance for anyone that might actually come up here and survey the room.

            The café is to the right when you exit the escalator or lift, in the far back corner, and the floor there changes as well, this time to a homey-feeling, medium brown coloured wood. This time, the bathroom was situated next to the café, allowing people of all types to use as well. Since the café was in the corner, it was bordering on the windows, which surprisingly had a really nice view of the small park in the middle of the town.

            I pick up my stroll again to explore around the aisles full of best-sellers, noticing some that had covers with actual people, supposedly they had movies to accompany them. I walk my way around and end up at the café. It had plenty of seats with tables for people to sit at, some lining along the window to have a drink and perhaps a snack with a great view; this place would look amazing at sunrise.

            “Hi! Would you like anything to eat or drink, Sir?” _Sir?_ A bright, chipper voice emerged me from my admiring of the place and I turn to where the voice sounded from. A girl, looking to be not much older than me, probably just out of high school, was placed behind the counter of the café and was looking sweetly at me with a bright, white and straight smile that actually looked genuine. _Teach me your ways._

            “Uh,” My voice gets strangled in my throat from not being used in a while and I clear my throat before continuing, “were you speaking to me?” _I’m so stupid; of course she is, I’m the only one in the room._

“Of course I am! So did you have anything in mind to have or are you ok?” _She’s just so upbeat, how does she do this?_ Her rich, brown hair, that looked like it had a mix of natural red through it, was styled into a pigtail and was draping over her shoulder. She had a cap on for some reason, which had the same design as her apron: forest green with what looks to be a naked man thing in a small circle. Letters in a rich red reading _Mad Titan Library **Café**_ are underneath the emblem that is placed in the top right of the uniform and on the front of the cap.

            “Uh, yeah sure. Can I please have a small skim caramel latte?” _Might as well order something if I’m offered._

            “Yep, sure. That’ll be $2.50 please.” _Wow, this place is really cheap; I’ll have to come here for my drinks all the time; that is if they actually taste as good as their price._ I hand her the money and she says that it won’t take long to make. I continue to look around from my spot and notice a movement from the other side of the room. Mikasa was making her way up the escalator and when she sees me she makes her way over.

            “Hey, what are you doing?” She asks with a raised eyebrow towards the café.

            “I just ordered a coffee. They’re really cheap! Did you want one?”

            “Nah I’m alright. I’ll just keep looking around, they have so much variety, it’s amazing.” She turns around and continues on her exploration of the place and I turn away as well and browse from my spot again.

            There are lounges that are placed on the carpet section right next to the café and shelves of books surrounding those as well. This spot seemed to be a bit more secluded and, upon noticing the massive sign above it, I realise why. It’s the _education_ section. Where students from all grades can come and study to their hearts content. _This is definitely Armin’s place._

            “Sir, your coffee is ready!” The barista’s voice calls to me and I turn to collect it and have a moment of truth: whether the coffee does taste as good as its price. I thank her and, with her joyful eyes on me, I take a tentative sip. This girl needs to be famous. This is the best coffee I’ve ever had, and the price only makes it that much better!

            I’m sure that the expression on my face says it all, but I still voice my amazement of the coffee to the maker. “This is the best coffee ever! Where did you learn how to make such amazing drinks? This can’t be possible! Mikasa!” I call Mikasa over to get a load of this extraordinary discovery and the barista just blushes and smiles shyly at all the praising.

            “What’s wrong Eren?” Mikasa hurries up to me worriedly and, upon seeing my over joyous face, gets a confused look. “What’s up?”

            “This is the best coffee ever, you need to try it!” I hand my cup to her and she takes a sip from it. Her eyes instantly light up and she just stares at the barista.

            “You _made_ this?! How it that even possible! May I please have one?” She hands my cup back to me and the barista nods and gets to making another one for Mikasa. She asks for the money and Mikasa happily gives it to her. After about a minute, the same time it took for mine, the girl hands Mikasa her drink and we both contentedly drink our star quality drinks.

            “We are coming here all the time, and we must tell Armin, this is like his own little heaven. There’s even a study section just there in case you didn’t notice it.” We walked over to a seat next to the windows as I talk and I point towards the section as I mention it.

            “He would probably cry tears of joy. He has his books, study resources, and source of caffeine. It’s perfect for him.” I nod in agreement and we sit quietly as we continue to drink.

            “You should ask if they’re hiring. I’m sure they would be since they just opened.” I offer her the idea and she acquires a look of thought as she contemplates the suggestion.

            “That’s not such a bad idea. I’ll go ask, one sec.” She stands and walks over to the girl at the counter and asks her. The brunette nods with a pleasant smile – _does she ever frown?_ – and Mikasa turns to give me a thumbs up and a grin as she makes her way back over. “They’re hiring, she’s the only person they have working at the moment, so I’d get heaps of shifts.”

            “That’s great! Did she ask for your resume?”

            “Nah, she said that anyone can join, but I did quickly give her my contact details.”

            “Ok. Should we get going then? We still need to call that psychiatrist person.”

            “Yeah we should. Come on then.” We stand up and both wave goodbye to the barista as we leave, heading back down the escalator and exiting the building. We’re silent as we make our trek back home, and at this moment, I couldn’t wish for her to start talking or do something so that my rising panic will go away.

            _What if the psychiatrist doesn’t care? What if she is disgusted by me; a_ guy _being molested by his father? She’ll probably be horrified by the fact that I was being gay with my father, shun me for having such a thing be done to me. She’ll just tell me to get out of her face with my stupid problems; tell me I shouldn’t have even allowed him to do that to me, to kill my mother._

_She’ll blame my idiotic self for allowing him to push me around and not fighting back. Be horrified that I didn’t do anything to save Mikasa’s mother when she fell. What if she just completely pushes me over, gets bored with my pathetic story, doesn’t believe me and assumes that I’m just trying to get attention; to make an excuse for my fucked up grades._

 

We stop to cross a road and Mikasa grabs my hand out of nowhere, startling me and causing me to gasp. “Eren, are you alright?” Her question causes my panic to rise further and my body somewhat freezes up.

            “Yeah,” My reply was too rushed and suspicious so I try again to reassure her that she doesn’t need to worry. “Yeah I’m fine. Completely fine. Why would you think that I’m not fine?” _I should get an Oscar for best acting ever._

            “Well you were breathing really quickly, like you were panicking.” _So she noticed. I need to be more subtle next time I guess, breathe shallower._

            “Oh, was I? I didn’t realise. It’s pretty hot though, and with all this walking it’s really getting my blood pumping, you know what I mean?” _It’s halfway through autumn and I’m used to this walk, we’re not even walking that fast. Of course she’ll believe me._ But in my panic I had gotten quite warm.

            “Do you have a fever then? It’s not that hot. Here let me check.” She raises her hand to my forehead and after letting it rest for a second, lowers it back to her side and frowns. “You’re a bit warm, but not feverish. Are you sure you’re ok?”

            “Yes, I’m fine Mikasa. You don’t have to worry about me, just, please, let’s get back to yours so that we can call this person and relax.” She deflates a little at my insistence and mentally backs off from me and we continue to walk back in a tense and slightly awkward silence. Mikasa takes her keys out from her pocket with a scarily straight face as we near the door and unlocks it.

            “Is that you Mikasa, Eren?” Petra calls out, she was taking care of Aysen again, she’ll probably be our babysitter each time now.

            “Yeah it’s us Petra. Thank you for taking care of Aysen again for us, was he any trouble?” Mikasa and I walk in, her going up to Petra as I walk over to Aysen, whom was laying on the couch next to her.

            “No, he was no trouble. He’s such a sweet boy, always in a good mood and playful.” Petra says this with a sweet smile on her face as usual. _Perhaps she’s related to that girl back at the café._ I shuck my bag to the ground and pick up Aysen from the couch and sit with him sitting up in my lap, holding his arms to keep him upright.

            “That’s’ good then.” Mikasa takes out her wallet from her school bag and pulls out the proper amount to pay Petra. “Here’s your pay Petra, thank you again. We’ll see you tomorrow then. Bye.” Petra bids her goodbye with a thank you and I wave Aysen’s arm in my way of a goodbye to her as she leaves. “Do you want a drink or something?”

            “Nah I’m alright thanks.” Mikasa hums a little ‘ok’ and drops her bag to floor as she takes a seat next to me, pulling her mobile out of her pocket along with a piece of paper.

            “Ok, let’s call this person then.” I feel my body tense up at her proposition but I force myself not to show my reluctance and panic. She types in the phone number, presses the call button and raises her mobile to her ear. I can hear the dial tone ringing as we wait and it stops before we hear a bouncy voice answer.

            _“Good afternoon, Dr Hanji speaking. How may I help you?”_ I hold Aysen closer and bounce him on my knee a bit when he starts moving around.

            “Hi, Dr Hanji, my name is Mikasa and I was wondering if I could make an appointment for two people if that’s possible?” Mikasa responds formally to the psychiatrist.

            _“Yes that’s no problem at all. I have a free session on Thursday at 4:00pm. Did you two want to have a joined session or separate?”_ Mikasa turns to me as if asking what I would like and I whisper my reply to her.

            “I don’t mind if it’s joined, it depends on how long we’ll have really.”

            _“Ah is that the other person with you?”_ Her voice surprises us both and I jump a bit, jostling Aysen and he stares at me. I rub his back just to do something and he leans on me more.

            “Yes it is. His name is Eren. He doesn’t mind if the session is joined, but how long will we have to speak?”

            _“I have the rest of that afternoon off. I can keep it that way if you’d like so that we can speak for however long you both need.” She’s really thoughtful; I guess she’d have to be though because of her job._

            “That would be amazing if you could do that. Thank you. Do you have a building that we meet at or is it at your home?”

            _“I work from home. It’s easier to handle then.”_ She gives us her address and Mikasa writes it down as she goes.

            “Thank you. Uhm, how much does each session cost?” _There’s something we didn’t check beforehand._ _Petra will also have to stay longer come to think of it._

_“Ah, there’s no cost at all. I love to help people in need, and why would such an important thing need payment. People need help, and if they don’t have the money, how will they get it? Don’t worry about it.” Wow, that’s… so kind._

            “Thank you so much” I nudge Mikasa a bit and when she looks at me, I nod my head to Aysen, hoping that she understands what I’m trying to silently say. Her confused look in return shows that she doesn’t, and I whisper what I’m trying to indicate, this time away from the phone.

            “Aysen needs someone to take care of him; we can’t make Petra stay for that long. Ask if we can bring him with us.” Mikasa nods in understanding and goes back to the phone.

            “Dr Hanji, would it be ok if we could bring my little brother? He’s only a baby and my father doesn’t get home until late and we can’t ask the babysitter to stay for so much longer.”

            _“Yes of course. That’s completely fine.”_

            “Great. Thank you. Then we’ll see you on Thursday. Thank you so much.”

            _“You’re very welcome. Bye! Have a nice afternoon.”_ She hangs up and Mikasa turns her phone off and sets it next to her on the couch.

            “Well then, we have an appointment for Thursday. No backing out now ok?” I nod and hug Aysen closer to my body. He had begun to doze off towards the end of the call and was now just completely in relax and half asleep mode. All three of us simply lay back on the couch, me carefully laying back and resting Aysen on my stomach so that we’re both comfortable, and rest in silence.

            _Thursday’s going to be a big day for Mikasa and me._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I’m back and chapter 11 is up! Now, I’m not too sure how well I’m going to be with getting up new chapters each week, but I will try my best. No matter what though, a chapter will only be put up on Friday, in Australian time. Thank you, and please let me know what you think of this chapter and if there are any mistakes at all.


	12. Learning To Cheer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We spend some more much needed time with the trio (and plus one). Armin gets to see the place where most of his time will be spent in the future.

We’re all bundled up; battling off the harsh, chilliness of mid-autumn. Sitting in Mikasa’s lounge room, Jean, Armin, Mikasa and I are all cuddled up on the couch with a blanket on top of us watching a movie that I couldn’t care less about. As usual, I had Aysen in my lap, his head poking out the top of the blanket so he can breathe properly. His head was resting sideways against my chest and his curious brown eyes were watching the TV as best he could.

            I was seated next to Armin, leaning and being squished against him slightly, and Mikasa was leaning heavily against Jean, who was on the end of the couch, being squished against the arm rest. This was a three-seater after all. No one complained about our close proximity though, all thankful for it if anything, simply means that we can be warmer.

            We’d all came back to Mikasa’s place straight after school, all agreeing that we warm up and relax instantly. Since the house didn’t have any form of air-conditioning, there’s always an extensive amount of blankets at the ready, which everyone is extremely grateful for. Since we had come straight after school, it was still early in the afternoon: around 3:20pm, so we had all planned on going out for a coffee and perhaps some food later if we were still up for it; perhaps after the movie.

            Aysen leans more of his head and body against me, slowly falling asleep in my lap – as usual – and I slump down in my spot even more, getting myself comfortable and into a more relaxed state so that I can also have a small rest. With the heat surrounding me and the hum of the TV playing in the background, I manage to fall into a small nap, leaning against the back of the couch with my head on Armin’s shoulder.

 

            _The sun shining brightly down on the meadow, I run through the grass and my mother’s favourite purple flowers that only bloom at this time of year in this place. It was my first time visiting this country, so I’d never seen these amazing flowers before. We were visiting my mother’s home country, Germany, when they decided to go on a picnic to this field._

_As soon as I had seen the mass expanse of space, I had instantly pulled on my mother’s hand for her to let me run through, to which she did. Being so small, the long grass had come up to my chin, almost blocking my view and my parents view of me when I had sprinted and squealed with glee. I ended up rolling in the grass, not having a care in the world as I simply enjoyed myself and ruined my clothes._

_As I lay amongst the grass and flowers, my parents had continued walking towards a singular large tree next to the clear watered river. They had brought along a picnic blanket and food so that we could have lunch out here. They called me over once they had set up the blanket and I scampered to my feet and fought my way through the grass over to them._

_My father told my mother and I to get close together as he brought out the camera that they also brought along with them. With the sun shining in our eyes, my mother picks me up in her arms and rests me on her hip, facing towards the camera and smiling. I push her scarf out of my face so that I can actually be seen and smile with all the joy that I was feeling at that moment, practically splitting my face in two with the size of my smile._

_My father smiles at us before he puts the camera to his face to take the photo of us both. I hear the ‘click’ of the shutter, indicating that he had taken the photo, and turn to my mother and hug her properly. As I lean back from the hug, I see out the corner of my eye a black strip falling from the sky, accompanied by a thundering tear noise that startles me in my mother’s grasp._

_I scramble quickly out of her hold and move so that I can see the sight properly. The sky had a massive, black tear in it that was continuing to shred, more strips peeling away as the seconds pass, each one letting out the same tearing noise as the first. Behind me I hear the noise echo again so I turn to see that side, and in front of my eyes, I see that it is also happening in the distance as well._

_Turning to my parents to voice my worry, they still have their smiles on their faces, looking undisturbed by what is happening. I voice my concern to them, saying that the sky was falling, and they simply laughed at me, saying that nothing was wrong. Continuing to smile at me, their smiles turned more into grins, becoming increasingly creepier as they continued to stare at me._

_The sky was quickly becoming a hollow black abyss, our surroundings becoming darker with the lack of sunlight. My parents were becoming shaded from the dark, their actual body’s themselves taking on a misty, dark hue. They proceeded towards me, their unsettling grins making my heart beat rapidly in my chest as I step back from them._

_They reach their hands out towards me and I continue to scramble away, tripping backwards and scurrying along the ground to get as far away from them. My mother’s body was becoming translucent, seeing the tree through her body as she faded from my sight. I call out to her, even though I’m terrified of her current state, but in my distraction of her, my father jumps on me and I scream at the top of my lungs._

 

            “Eren!” Armin’s voice calls out to me but I can’t hear it over someone’s loud screaming and a baby’s cries. “Eren, calm down! What’s wrong?” I feel a weight being lifted off my front but I can’t quitter focus on it, my mind in a fuzzy haze.

            “Eren, you need to stop yelling. Eren! Look at me, focus.” Mikasa’s voice speaks up now but, I’m not yelling. Am I? I haven’t opened my eyes yet, so I do so and I see a black blob of hair in front of me, the owner of said blob’s face too blurry to know who it is. “That’s it, can you see me Eren?” I guess it’s Mikasa that is in front of me, but I can’t respond; my mind not quite up to pace with everything going on.

            Mikasa leans towards me, as her still blurred form gets closer, and next thing I know her warm hand is on my cheek, softly pressing against it. I’m trying desperately for my eyes to refocus but I can only stare blankly ahead of me.

            “I’ll get him a warm flannel, he seems to be really out of it. Does he usually have such bad nightmares?” It’s Armin now, his voice taken on a worried tone at his question.

            “He does have them like this, but he usually comes right back from them. You go get a flannel; I’ll keep an eye on him.” Armin gets up and I can’t follow him but I take that he went to do as he said. Come to think of it, where’s Jean? “Eren, can you nod if you hear me?” I try to move my head, but I don’t know if it moved at all, and if it did, if it was enough to understand that I do hear her.

                “Aysen isn’t calming down much, Mikasa. What do I do?” Ah, there’s Jean. His voice sounds to the right of me, he must be standing with Aysen maybe, since he had spoken about him.

            “He probably wants to be with Eren again. You know how he is. Don’t worry, he’ll calm down eventually, just bob him in your arms a bit.”

            “Ok, I got the flannel. Here you go Mikasa.” Armin sounds back into the room, and his presence is shown next to me on the couch when he sits down again. After he sits, a warm, wet towel is placed on my forehead, instantly shocking me.

            _Mum used to do this when I had a nightmare, it calmed me down instantly. Now all it does is scare me. It should soothe me like it did back then, shouldn’t it? It should remind me of my mum, and make me feel happy about the memories, not give me anxiety. I can’t remember the last time I had been in perfect peace and happiness. Is that even obtainable these days?_

            Mikasa’s form is now less hazy in front of me, crouched to be at eye-level with me. She has a worried look on her face, eyebrows scrunched up in the middle. My face mustn’t be letting off any signs of life, probably in an emotionless state still, with a dumbfounded look on. I blink slowly, still taking in everything.

            “M-mika…” I murmur out her nickname and her face instantly relaxes. I can’t say much more than that as I’m still too tired to do much else, but she seems content with that.

            “Oh, Eren, you scared me. Are you ok?” I nod my head somewhat in answer to her question and she smiles in return. “Do you want a glass of water?” Her question brings my attention to my throat, which is actually feeling quite dry now that she brings it up. I nod again and she goes off to get my drink.

            “Eren?” Armin’s voice is first to break the silence and he doesn’t continue until I shift my dead gaze towards him, not moving my head thus looking out the corner of my eye. “How are you feeling? Still out of it?” I nod my head once again, not trusting my voice to work. Armin’s lips go thin as he presses them into a frown, not pleased with something. He sits up more and moves closer to me.

            He moves his arm into my view, closer to my face, and I can’t help but freeze; memories of hands doing the worst you could imagine. Armin realises my fear stricken body and probably face and he stops the movement quickly. “I’m just checking your face and temperature Eren, it’s ok. I’m not going to hurt you.” _Those words have been said so many times, never keeping to the promise though._ My body refuses to unfreeze, so Armin simply continues.

            He removes the flannel from my forehead, wiping up any excess water along with it, and folds it before placing it on the coffee table. He does all his movements slowly, as if any sudden movement will scare me off, which it most likely will. Mikasa re-enters the room with a glass of water in hand and Armin silently asks for it. When she gives it to him, going to stand next to Jean afterwards, Armin brings the cup to my lips and I slightly open my mouth for him.

            Tipping the cup slightly, the water slides into my mouth, and I have never been more grateful for a drink in my life. Once my mouth has a small puddle of water, I tilt my head way from the cup and swallow, bringing my hands up to hold the cup myself. Armin is still hesitant to release his hold but he leaves me to it, holding his hands at a close enough distance just in case. Bringing the cup up to my mouth once again, I take a gulp this time, discovering that I was extremely thirsty and I finish the glass in two more gulps, still not satiated.

            _Why am I so thirsty all of a sudden, I hadn’t slept for that long, did I? The movie was finished by now and the sun was still up, setting in about an hour or two. Where had this thirst come from? I usually drink at least a cup or bottle of water a day._

            Mikasa has walked up now and takes the glass out of my hand, making quick work to refill it and bring it back, just for me to gulp it down again, but this time my thirst has decided to be satisfied.

            “So, do you want to talk about?” Armin hesitantly brings up the elephant in the room and it feels as though everything has stopped. No one makes a sound, the only noise heard is that of our breathing. Aysen has calmed down enough in Jean’s arms that he is peacefully resting without too much fuss.

            “It’s nothing important. Just a stupid nightmare.” I mumble, more to myself than anything, but it was loud enough for them to hear properly. I had lowered my eyes to my lap when I spoke and when no one says anything, I raise them to see Mikasa giving me a worrisome look and Armin mirroring her. Jean was keeping to himself, not wanting to get into the mess as he doesn’t know about everything going on.

            “Ok, but if you want to talk about it, we’re here, ok?” Mikasa has an encouraging face on and I give her a small smile to please her. It doesn’t really seem to satisfy her but she goes with it anyway; dropping the topic.

            “So, are we going for lunch still?” I ask to get the attention off this topic. Mikasa looks to Armin and they seem to come to an agreement and nod, looking back to me and agreeing.

            We stand from the couch and I go up to Jean to retrieve Aysen from him. He was just resting his eyes and so when I take him, he opens his eyes again and smiles at me. How can such a tiny being be able to relax me just by giving an innocent smile?

            Jean still hasn’t said anything much and when we make eye contact he just nods his head and I return the gesture. The four of us make our way to the front door, me holding Aysen still and Mikasa carrying his bag that she had gone to get we stood up. Shrugging on our coats, we head out the door, Mikasa locking it behind us, and we all get into Jean’s car, first taking the baby seat out of Mikasa’s car and setting it up for Aysen in the backseat.

            Armin and I sit in the back with me being stuck in the middle while Mikasa is in the passenger seat with Jean driving. It’s not too far to drive to the main street but it’s more convenient when we have Aysen with us. So, in around 5 minutes we’re already parking on the curb and hopping out.

            “Ok, where do we want to eat?” Jean asks us all as we stand to the side of the curb.

            “There’s a new library actually and it has a café inside that makes the best coffees that are really cheap. We didn’t try the food but I’m sure that would be delicious as well.” Mikasa suggests and I nod to show that she is speaking the truth. Armin pipes up at the word library and is instantly excited to go there.

            “Oh! Can we please go there! You guys can eat at the café while I look around.” He sounds like an excited child that really wants a lolly. Oh Armin you’re so adorable.

            “Hah, I guess that a yes then. Let’s go shall we?” Jean decides and we take off to the library, Armin having a small hop in his step and slightly wiggling, not being able to hide his excitement.

            It’s like we’ve all forgotten about my little episode just 20 minutes prior. I’m glad that they understand enough to not make a big fuss over it, knowing that it would’ve made me overly uncomfortable to talk about it. I know Mikasa enough though to know that when we get home and are alone together she’ll bring it back up, just to see if I want to talk about it then, when I don’t have as many eyes and ears on me.

            I’ve almost always been uncomfortable in crowded situations when people’s attention was solely on me; thus, making speeches near to impossible for me. I’ve had a few panic attacks before having to speak, the teacher just rolling their eyes at me, thinking that I was just over-reacting and being attention seeking. Of course, no one believes that anxiety is a legitimate illness and can affect your way of living every day.

            Being prone to panic attacks is simply attention seeking, not a legitimate problem that I have to deal with on a near daily basis. Luckily I haven’t had one in a while, but luck doesn’t always last forever. Having Aysen around does calm me down more than anything ever has though, so I haven’t been in in my completely dark place since he was born. Achievement for me!

            Coming up to the front of the library, Armin starts bouncing on the spot and Mikasa laughs at him and speaks. “Are you ready Armin?”

            “Yes! There aren’t any other libraries in the area!” He rushes in, barely being able to contain his excitement at the prospect of all the books he’ll now be able to read.

            Armin leading the way, we all follow him through the automatic doors and into the heated room. Armin’s eyes are full of uncontained joy as he gazes at the enormous variety of books just on this floor. I don’t think he’s realised that there’s a second floor yet.

            He bounces off in the direction of the history books and Jean, Mikasa and I slowly walk around, not really caring for looking through all the books. Aysen was on my hip and was wiggling around a bit and, seeing his flushed face, I realise that he must be getting too hot with his coat on and the added heat from the air-conditioning. So, calling Mikasa over, I shed him of his jacket and shove it into his personal little bag that Mikasa swings over her shoulder once again.

            “So where’s the café? I can’t see it anywhere.” Jean walks up and wonders out loud.

            “It’s upstairs. This is just the non-fiction section; fiction and the café are upstairs.” Mikasa replies and grins at the astounded look that spreads on Jean’s face.

            “Wait, this entire floor,” he spreads his arms out to emphasis his point, “is just dedicated to fiction?” His face is unbelieving but at Mikasa’s nod it changes back into amazement. “Wow.”

            Armin bounces up to us with the biggest grin on his face, his bright blue eyes just lighting up his entire face and letting off this completely delighted aura that surrounds us when he approaches. “Guys, there’s so many books that I haven’t even read before! And this is just the non-fiction section! Where’s the fiction section?”

            Mikasa points towards the escalator, indicating that yes, there’s a whole other floor for him to go wild. I didn’t think that it was possible for Armin to get any more excited, but, being shown otherwise, Armin looks as though he is about to faint with the amount of joy that he is exuding.

            He practically runs off to the escalator, not waiting to go up and running up the ramp. Mikasa and Jean laugh at him and we once again follow him up. Once at the top, Jean looks around in amazement as well; Armin had already run off to admire all the different genres and the extensive variety of them all.

            “Ah, so the café is just over there. It’s really well designed. The whole library is.” Jean points out and nods to himself. “So, should we go get some food? Armin will probably look around for a bit, he won’t mind.” Mikasa and I nod in agreement and we make our way over.

            “Good evening! Oh, hello again!” The barista chirps when she sees us and her smile that she immediately shot at us widened even more when she recognised Mikasa and me.

            “Yeah, we have a friend that adores books and we were going out for lunch anyway. So we decided to come here so that he can browse around.” Mikasa replies to the brunette – _Alisha as her nametag reads_. Mikasa turns to Jean and asks him what he wants and then asks me; my reply being banana bread and a skim caramel latte. She orders for us, getting Armin only a drink – spearmint tea –, paying the money, taking the offered table number and sit down at a four seater next to the window.

            “Wow, when you said this place was cheap I wasn’t expecting it to be that great!” Jean speaks up again in amazement.

            “Yeah, I couldn’t believe it at first, and had to show Mikasa. It’s also the best drink that you’ll ever have.” I reply this time as I take out Aysen’s bottle from his bag that Mikasa placed on the floor.

            “You better not be lying Jaeger, or you’ll have to pay for setting such high expectations.” And there’s the Jean that I know; always needing to threaten me at any chance he can.

            “You won’t be disappointed, Horseface.” He snarls at my insult but Mikasa’s hand on his arm prevents him from retaliating. Instead he sulks in his seat, keeping in his anger.

            Armin bounds up to the table, his grin still residing on his face. “This, place, is, amazing!” He takes a small pause between each word to emphasise his point and Mikasa returns his grin.

            “We knew that you’d love it. Did you see the study section just there?” She points in the direction of the more secluded area just off to the side of the café and Armin nods his head rapidly.

            “Yes I did. I can come here and study while drinking my tea. This is like a dream come true you guys!” He bounces on the spot again before Mikasa tells him to sit down before he faints. Taking the empty seat next to me, Armin heeds Mikasa’s words and sits, still wiggling slightly in his seat.

            The brunette walks up at that moment with a tray full of cups. “Here’s your drinks.” She places the drinks in the correct places; remembering mine and Mikasa’s from last time and being told what Jean’s was, thus deducing that the leftover drink was Armin’s. “Did you want something to eat sir?” She directs the question at Armin since he wasn’t there when we ordered so couldn’t order his food.

            “Uh, could I please just get a ham and cheese toasted sandwich please?” She replies with an ‘of course’ and returns back behind the counter to retrieve our food. “Wow, she called me sir.” Armin says in wonder.

            “Yeah, she called me that last time I came here and I thought she was talking to someone else.” I add to his statement.

            She returns in less than 5 minutes, this time with a platter with food on it. She places my plate with a slice on banana bread in front of me first, followed by Armin’s sandwich then Jean’s spinach and feta pastry and Mikasa’s chicken caesar wrap. We thank her for the food and she returns to the counter.

            My banana bread had been heated up and was accompanied by a tiny bowl/platter with butter. Armin’s sandwich was obviously was toasted on a grill and was extra crunchy, the bread being a delicious golden colour. Jean’s spinach and feta pastry had also been heated up and had a salad to compliment it. Mikasa’s wrap had been cut in half and was also heated up and adjoined by a salad. The salad was extremely simple; only containing finely chopped rocket lettuce, purple onion, tomato and finely cut cubes of cucumber with a small streak of dressing sauce lining the top.

            “Wow, this looks delicious!” Armin pipes out what we’re all obviously thinking. I shift Aysen in my lap so that he can rest more securely as I eat without him falling and pick up my knife and fork, buttering the bread before cutting it into quarters. Jean and Armin both take a sip of their drinks first and immediate satisfaction washes over both of them.

            “This is by far the best coffee I’ve ever had. You’re lucky, Jaeger, I’m not disappointed.” He smirks at me and I return it with the biggest, most fakest smile that I can; purposely showing just how fake it is.

            I was thinking of saying ‘I told you so,’ but I didn’t want to act like a child. So I settled for an ‘I told you so’ face, to which he glared at me. We all dig in, humming in delight at the deliciousness of the meal. We’ll definitely be coming here each time we go out and it’ll become Armin’s new home.

            Once we finish, we give the extra money for Armin’s sandwich, say our thanks for the food and drink then proceed to head back downstairs, first asking Armin if he wanted to borrow anything, to which he said that we didn’t have time for him to look through. We walk back outside, me pulling out Aysen’s jacket again from his bag and pulling it on him.

            The sun had already set as it was just after 6pm so we stroll back to the car, not in any rush to get back. Aysen was snoozing in my arms, perfectly content with everything going on. Mikasa and Jean were in the lead; holding hands with Mikasa resting her head on Jean’s shoulder. Armin and I following behind, him with a small smile on his face: pleased with the outcome of today.

            Mikasa and Jean haven’t been able to have as much ‘them’ time since her mother had passed. We had been busy taking care of Aysen and sorting out other problems for her to have enough time to hang out with him. Sure they were together at school, but that’s not nearly good enough; they don’t have any alone time there and with the surrounding of school and studying itself, that’s most definitely not the best place for ‘couple’ time.

            We arrive at Jean’s car and shuffle in, me having to strap Aysen in his seat. Once again Armin and I are in the backseat and Mikasa and Jean in the front; Jean as designated driver. Jean drives Mikasa and I home first, us being the closest and Armin being further, and we unhook the baby seat, set it back up in Mikasa’s car, and head inside.

            As soon as we get in, Mikasa turns on the gas heater that is off to the side in the lounge room, the way that the house is set up – an open lounge room to your left as soon as you walk in and the kitchen on your right in the far corner with a dining table on the right as well in the close corner – the heat can get to the main living area and eventually make its way to the bedrooms.

            As I make my way to Mikasa’s room to put Aysen in his crib, Mikasa calls out to me. I halt in my tracks, at the start of the hallway, and look to her where she’s standing, still in the lounge room, in front of the heater.

            “Eren, we need to talk about your dream.” She says it in a stubborn tone; not taking no for an answer. She knows that this is what I need and what I wanted. I didn’t want to talk about my dream in front of everyone else; only to Mikasa.

            “Yeah, let me just put Aysen to sleep.” I reply in a soft tone, completely surrendering to her, indicating that yes, I was hoping to do that anyway. I continue on to her room, first going back to pick up his backpack, dress Aysen in his pyjamas, then tuck him in to bed. He was completely tuckered out so he didn’t put up any fights for me to stay with him and fell asleep almost as soon as his head hit the pillow.

            After I’ve finished, I go back out to Mikasa and we sit on the couch together, leaning against our shoulders. We get into a more comfortable position, with me slouched further into the couch and resting my head against her shoulder and hers resting against my head.

            “Eren, what was your dream about?” She starts off the conversation – thank god – and in remembering the horrifying dream, I can’t help but tense my body.

            “It was of ma and dad. When we went to Germany when I was 4.” I speak quietly, not feeling the need to speak any louder since she was just next to me. “It was more like a memory – what I dreamt about – and we had taken a photo; that’s the one of Ma and I that’s in my room. But of course, it was a nightmare, and when dad had taken the photo, the world had started to go weird. It’s still a bit hazy to remember, but I remember a thunderous tearing noise and the sky was ripping?” I phrase it as a question, more to myself, since I was still trying to remember the dream properly.

            Mikasa doesn’t say anything as I speak, simply running her fingers over my hand that was placed on my thigh in a show of support. I always liked to have quiet times with Mikasa like this, when I could speak to her about what’s happened or is going on.

            “The sky was ripping and behind it, it was black, like an endless abyss. Ma and dad didn’t seem fazed at all, I had asked them what’s going on, but they just continued to smile at me. They towered over me and were trudging closer; their grins turned menacing, and then ma faded, leaving dad. He continued towards me and then leaped at me with his hands out. That’s when I woke up screaming.”

            She doesn’t respond instantly, instead letting us remain in silence. It’s times like this that I treasure in life; the only things that hold some sense of peace in my life. She stops playing with my hand and holds it instead, about to do her input on the situation.

            “That sounds horrible, Eren. It’s like your mind is trying to traumatise you even more than you are. Taking such a sweet memory and turning it completely evil; bringing the present into the equation. Are you feeling better now?” She turns her face into my hair when she finishes and I nod to show that I am feeling somewhat better. “Don’t forget that we have the psychiatrist tomorrow after school.” That was not a good turn.

            I reign in my panic and slowly nod in reply. In the motion of sitting up, I also force Mikasa off of me. I don’t make eye contact as I let her know that I’m going to head to sleep now and she just says ‘goodnight’ in a suspicious tone as I walk off.

            Once I’ve closed the door, I slide down it into a sitting position and wrap my arms around my legs, shaking from the panic that is rapidly growing inside of me. My breathing is laboured and I gasp for breaths. My chest tight, making it even harder to breathe. Along with my laboured breathing, my heart was racing at an unbearable speed, the pounding ringing in my ears and throbbing throughout my body; especially in my hands that are next to my head.

            The thought of going to the psychiatrist doesn’t sit very well with me at all. They’re just going to say that my worry is stupid; meaningless. Say that I’m just over reacting to the stupidest things. Heaps of kids have uncaring fathers, they don’t react this way. They’ll just put it down as having ‘daddy issues’ and tell me to stop wasting her time.

           I’ll just be wasting Mikasa’s and their time. Taking up Mikasa’s session for nothing important. They’ll blame me for my mother’s death, as it rightly is my fault. I didn’t stop him from hurting her, it’s my fault that he changed; that he struck her in the first place. They’ll call me a whore and a delinquent for going out to clubs and getting off my face from drugs and alcohol then finding the first guy that will take advantage of me. All for the aspect of getting what he did off my mind.

            They’ll probably even be disgusted that a sexually abused person would even go out specifically looking for such a thing. I only do it when off my face; I haven’t been able to even get near someone if I’m not. I freeze up and a cold sweat breaks over my skin. Almost the same reaction that I got when he would be home; just add in the anger and it’s the same.

            Tomorrow is going to be a new experience; I’ll have to be prepared for panic attacks. I’m so weak; absolutely pathetic. Freaking out over such a little thing. It’s just a psychiatrist, they won’t hurt me. It’s illegal if they do. I’m such a worthless shit anyway that it doesn’t matter if they do.

            I’m still sitting on my floor, trying to control my breathing, when Mikasa knocks on the door softly and calls out to me.

            “Eren, dad’s home and we were going to make some dinner. I was wondering if you’d like any?” Mikasa’s dad gets home at around 6:30 – 7:00pm. That means that I’ve been sitting here for nearly an hour or more. Time sure does fly when you’re having just so much fun. Internally, I roll my eyes at myself.

            “I’m fine. I’m really tired.” I mumble from my spot, lifting my head over my arms where they were resting so that she’d be able to hear me clearer and leave it at that. I can tell that she hesitates before turning around and heading back to the kitchen as she doesn’t leave until about 30 seconds later.

            I can tell that she knew something was up. My voice sounded strained when I had spoken those few words, even I could tell. Luckily though, Mikasa knows me well enough to not intrude. I hate unnecessary – or just any – attention on me, and she is the only person, apart from Armin, that understands and respects this.

            Summoning up the will to move, I heave myself off the ground languidly, my muscles too lethargic to have much strength. I hobble over to the bed, not being bothered to remove my clothes first, and face plant down. Shuffling into a more comfortable position on my side/stomach, I lay there and will myself to sleep.

            At random times, I can’t sleep. I’m not treated with insomnia, it just simply happens. Often. I’ll be completely tired and willing to sleep, but my mind just says ‘uh uh, no way are you sleeping tonight, boy.’ With that, comes my anxiety; the absolute best time for it to get all pumped up and say hi to the world.

            I fucking hate this. Why do I get punished with this shitty life. People say that it’s rare to actually come across someone with such a shit life living in a suburban area. Since these areas are family orientated and don’t have all the drug dealers and other delinquent shit like that. So, coming across someone that was abused by their father and their mother was killed by the same man, people don’t believe you.

            The exact reason why I don’t tell anyone. Teachers don’t believe me when I say that I have family problems when I don’t hand in work. Simply saying that I’m a typical teenage boy that doesn’t care about anything other than partying and fucking up their life; on purpose.

            Why would the psychiatrist believe me then? They’ll just give me a scolding look and say to stop lying; that’s what all the teachers said when I was a child and it started. Then when dad had actually got one person that thought that I could actually be saying the truth and called him, he punished me for even daring to tell people about it.

            You can probably guess just what he did. It wasn’t pretty, and it’s most definitely not a memory that I want to remember. I had been quiet about my abuse ever since; too scared to say a single peep, completely shutting myself off from everything and everyone. Mikasa and Armin had been my friend already at the time and they knew everything, but I wouldn’t tell them anymore until the beginning of freshman year, when they had persuaded me to come out more.

            The psychiatrist will tell me that I just have daddy issues, because let’s face it: I do. They’ll tell me to piss off with my puny problems and lies, and get on with my life. How the fuck can I move on when there’s nothing to move towards?

            Life fucking sucks. I did not sign up for this shit. Who even thought of this as a good thing? Someone that hadn’t experienced this, is who. People that say that life gets better, are just lying; saying that to make you happy. They haven’t been abused. They haven’t seen their father hit their mother, and be thrown to a wall when you try to help. They haven’t had their mother killed by their father’s very own hands.

            They don’t know what it feels like.

            Anxiety is shit. Depression is shit. Panic attacks are shit. Sleep is shit. Life is just plain shit. Tonight, is going to be one hell of a sleepless night. Look out tomorrow, ‘cuz here I fucking come you asshole.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys. Sorry for not posting a chapter each week. I’ve been badly procrastinating along with having word blocks. I’m not the best with words at the moment, so please excuse the recent chapters. This chapter is longer though! Achievement! Thank you all for still reading and following the story even with the weird post times. You can all thank my best friend for even getting this chapter done. If it weren’t for her it would still be stuck at 1,000 words.   
> As usual, please let me know of any mistakes or parts that don’t make sense. Let me know what you think as well! Thank you!


	13. Learning To Calm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The day that we are all just so excited for. Especially Eren.

It’s fucking cold, and I’m so uncomfortable. Mornings are not enjoyable in the first place, but why is this one so fucking terrible? That’s right. Someone didn’t change out of their clothes last night. I wonder who that could _possibly_ have been. Fucking good one, Eren.

Rolling over so that I’m facing my room, I drag myself out of bed. Fucking jeans; you used to be comfortable when I slept in you. Why are you betraying me now? At least my shirt is a bit more comfortable, and they’re helping to fend me from the cold. I guess that’s a plus.

I escape out of my jeans, immediately regretting the decision when my naked legs become victims of the freezing cold air that encases them, and rummage through my pants’ drawer for a clean pair of pants. I’ve never really been one for fashion, just finding what’s comfortable and throwing that on. More often than not they don’t match and I look like I was dressed in the dark.

I find a clean pair of trackies that are acceptable to wear out and shimmy into them, my legs not quite wanting to work well, having gone numb in the cold. Patting down my pants, my mind thinks of the last time that I actually got any action. Fuck that was a long time ago.

I haven’t actually had someone inside me since dad was put away. And hadn’t had a make-out session since that short, angry guy. That was around 7 or 8 months ago now. Man, I need to get out more.

If I remember correctly though, I had seen that short guy at the shops the on the weekend. With Principal Smith. They were talking about the reliability of condoms. Are they together? No, I’m pretty sure Principal Smith is married… right?

Doesn’t matter anyway. It’s not like I’m ever going to see that guy again anyway. He never even told me his name though. What an asshole. A really, really hot asshole. Fuck. Now’s not the time to think of that shit. He was such a good dancer though, obviously putting lots of time and effort into mastering such a difficult skill.

I realise that I’m just standing in the middle of my room and shake my head of my thoughts. I need to get ready for school still. I shrug off my shirt, find a long sleeved, grey shirt and tug that on. Now for a jumper. Black’s a good colour. Pulling on my black hoodie, I head out and to the bathroom to take care of my business and brush my teeth.

When I exit the bathroom, I go around the corner and into the kitchen where Mikasa’s dad was sitting at the island table with Aysen in his arms. He raises his head when he hears me enter and warmly smiles at me.

“Morning, Eren. Did you sleep well?” I shrug in an indication that, no, I didn’t really sleep well, but that doesn’t matter. I head over to the cupboard and pull out the cereal, holding it up and turning to him in question of whether he’d like some, he has some time before he needs to leave anyway, it’s only 7:30am. “I’m alright thanks.”

I grab a bowl from the drawer and fill it halfway with cereal, head over to the fridge to retrieve the milk and pour about a tablespoon in. I never really have a lot of milk in my cereal anyway. Putting about the milk and cereal, I pick up my bowl and sit next to Mr Ackerman at the island.

“You know, I haven’t been spending enough time with my own child. By the time I get home from work, he’s been put to bed already.” He has a solemn tone to his voice as he speaks. It’s true though, when Mikasa’s mum had passed, Mr Ackerman had to work more hours because of the money; they still had a mortgage to pay. “What type of father am I if I don’t even spend time with my own son?”

“It’s not your fault though. None of us were ready for what happened.” I pause for a second, thinking whether I should say what I had in my. He deserves to know though. “Mikasa has signed up for a job at the library in the main centre. There’s café there and they need workers, so she gave them her contact details. I – I’m also thinking of getting a job.” I’ve finished my cereal by now, and I keep my head down, too nervous to look up for some reason.

Mr Ackerman doesn’t respond for a little bit, absentmindedly playing with Aysen’s fluffy hair while he thinks. I can’t see him, even out of my peripheral vision, so I’m worried as to what he’s thinking at the moment.

“That, that’s great! You kids are so amazing.” He sounds choked up somewhat and I raise my head in surprise at him. He’s wearing a teary smile on his face and is holding Aysen more securely from where he had been resting on his lap. “Thank you, so much.” He frees one hand and places it on my shoulder, an encouraging warmth radiating through my body from it.

Mikasa walks in at that moment, dressed and ready, and she stops in the middle of the entrance when she sees her dad. He has un-spilled tears in his eyes and a dorky, warm smile on his face. He must be quite the sight to Mikasa right now, she’s probably worried that something’s wrong.

“Dad?” He points his smile to her and removes his hand from my shoulder to hold it out to her. As she walks over, he thanks her too.

“Mikasa, Eren has just told me that you two are looking for jobs.” He gaze flickers to me as she steps close enough for him to wrap his arm around her waist and then returns her eyes to him. “I’m so proud of you, my darling. And you too, Eren. Well, I have to leave now, have a good day at school you two, ok. Love you.” He hands Aysen to Mikasa and grabs his suit jacket before heading out the door.

Without him here, the house goes silent. I’m too scared to look at Mikasa. Worried that I had said something I shouldn’t have. Maybe she didn’t want him to know about her and possibly me getting a job. Or perhaps she wanted to be the one to tell him. I don’t raise my head at her, but suddenly Aysen is in my sight and is being placed into my arms. I secure my hold on him and look up to Mikasa.

“Well, I’m glad that he doesn’t mind about us getting jobs.” She goes about getting her own breakfast as she talks. “I’m worried for him though. He’s pushing himself too hard; he needs to have a break from everything. He just hasn’t stopped since Ma passed away.” Her tone is sad, reflecting just how she feels about the whole situation.

She gets herself cereal and sits down next to me, eating as I bob Aysen on my knee. He’s starting to grow a tiny bit, moving a bit more on his own. I still support him with a hand on his back of course, he hasn’t grown _that_ much. Just that he’s able to support his head more efficiently.

Mikasa eats her cereal quickly and, as she finishes and stands up to clean her bowl, the doorbell rings. She looks to me in a silent question for me to get it and I walk over with Aysen to do so. It’s probably Petra arriving to look after Aysen.

When I open the door, my assumption is correct and there stands the petite ginger. I give her a – hopefully convincing – forced smile and step aside to let her in.

“Good morning, Eren, Mikasa, how are you two?” She speaks in her normal, chipper voice that should _not_ be used this early in the morning _how on earth does she do that?_

“So far it’s good; hopefully we can keep it that way throughout the whole day.” Mikasa replies for the two of us and offers a warm smile back. Petra walks over to me and takes Aysen so that I can pick up my bag from the cupboard along with Mikasa’s.

“Well, a good start is essential to everyone’s day. I hope you two have a lovely rest of the day.” She waves at us from where we had come to stand at the door, Mikasa taking her offered bag from me and opening the door for us both.

“Bye, Petra. You have a good day as well.” Mikasa returns as we both wave in our leave and walk out the door, Mikasa closing it shut behind us. Now, for the walk to a very long day of school, and an absolutely terrifying afternoon.

 

It’s the last class of the day – maths of all things – and there’s about a minute until the bell. For once, I’m not excited one bit for it, knowing just what will be happening afterwards. The appointment is at 4. So that means Mikasa and I will have about 30-40 minutes to get ready or what-not and then drive over to the psychiatrist’s house.

I can’t afford to have that much time to brood over the inevitable. I’ll just end up locking myself in my room and have a panic attack. How surprising. It’s not like I’ve had enough of those already to last a lifetime or two.

Before I know it, the bell rings, signalling the end of the lesson and school. Forever. Just kidding; but if only. Everyone in the class is rushing to shove their belongings in their bag and proceeding to rush out of the door, hoping, much like the rest of us, that if they rush enough, they’ll never have to return to this hellhole.

Myself though, I take my time. In completely no rush to get out and walk into my death. I’d rather die a different way thank you. One with less panic and more submission. But, unfortunately, we all must go forth to our end, whether we like it or not.

I finish packing my bag, neatly to prolong the time, swing it over my right shoulder, and trudge out of the room. Mikasa had told me that she would wait out the front for me since she was on the other side of the school for her class and was also nearer to the front of the school, whereas I was furthest away.

Of course, I take my time in getting to our meet-up corner. It’s important to relax and take your time once in a while anyway – isn’t it? There weren’t many people going about anymore, obviously taking long enough for the initial rush to get home to pass. There were only about 10 or so people still walking around, some talking on their phones or to their friends.

Once I’ve made my way to the front of the school and turn to go to the corner, Mikasa is already there and has her phone out, probably about to text me and ask where I am. She raises her head though and promptly puts her phone in her pocket, not looking overly impressed with my slack timing.

“Eren, what took you so long?” She doesn’t sound overly impressed either if her harsh voice is anything to go by. I don’t really have an excuse though to tell her, I was simply stalling so that I could prolong the time for me to panic. Quickly thinking of something, I say the first thing that pops into my head.

“Uh, I had diarrhoea.” Wow. Perfect excuse. Go Eren. Mikasa doesn’t look any more impressed by my lame excuse. I don’t blame her though. I’m not even impressed with such an excuse.

“Ok, sure. Let’s just get home though ok. I’m not sure how long it’ll take to drive there and I’d rather be early than late. Come on, let’s go.” She starts walking without me and I don’t make any effort to catch up. Content with just strolling along behind her.

Keeping a steady, quick pace, Mikasa is obviously in a hurry to get home, whereas I slowly start lagging behind her, not in any hurry what-so-ever. She looks over her shoulder to glimpse at me and does a double take. Where I had once been about half a metre to a metre behind her at first, I am now about 7 metres behind. Oh she does _not_ look happy.

“Eren, hurry up. We need to get back quickly so that we can let Petra go home, wash Aysen, and get ready ourselves.” Her tone of voice matches her expression in showing just how unimpressed she is. As we were walking, I had my head down, only high enough so that I can somewhat see Mikasa’s feet ahead of me, only just in my vision. When she had spoken up, I didn’t make eye-contact, simply continuing at my snail’s pace in catching up to her.

When I had caught up to her, standing at the original distance of when we started walking, I hear Mikasa sigh dejectedly. She slowly walks over to me to close up the gap between us. I refuse to raise my head though, my expression more than likely one of pain. During the short time that we had been walking, my panic had been festering inside of my mind; I’m surprised I haven’t collapsed to the ground and started rocking back and forth yet, like I usually do. She places her hand on my arm, and from lack of any response, she calmly speak to me.

“Eren.” She waits for any sign of a response, but I still don’t give her what she wants. I’m stubborn like that. “Eren, look at me, please.” Still not heeding to her request, she gently places her forefinger on my chin and lifts my head so that my eyes can meet hers. I don’t put up a fight, just letting her do as she pleases. My miserable eyes meet hers and her faces morphs straight into worry. “Eren, please tell me; do you not want to go to the session this afternoon? We don’t have to go if you don’t want to. No one is forcing you to go.” She has a hint of plead in her voice as she reassures me.

We have to go though. This is important to her; I can’t let her down.  She’s just as bad as I am. She had lost her mother as well and hasn’t been as upbeat as she used to be. I don’t exactly want to go per se, but I have to.

“It’s fine, Mikasa. I want to go. Come on.” My voice sounds too dejected to trust what I’m saying but she doesn’t put up a fight. She turns around and this time she walks beside me, close enough to brush shoulders every now and then. We walk at a pace that’s in between what we had both been going at before, neither fast like Mikasa nor sluggish like me; in the middle at a normal, walking pace.

When we had stopped, we weren’t that far from Mikasa’s house and so it only takes us a few more minutes before we’re already there. Mikasa walks in front of me as usual, takes out her house key from her bag, and unlocks the door, calling out in a semi loud voice to Petra to let her know that we’re home. As usual, she’ sat at the lounge with the kids channel on. Aysen was sat beside her resting against the back of the couch so that he could support himself better and have a perfect view of the TV.

“Welcome back you two. I washed Aysen for you since I knew that you were going to take him out later. I also dressed him in fresh clothes as well for you.” This woman is a saint sent from the heavens. Mikasa and I both drop our bags at the door, Mikasa heading straight to Petra and me going into the kitchen to fetch her pay that we leave on the bench there.

“Thank you so much, Petra! You really helped so much. I was planning to do that as soon as we got back. You’ve really saved me so much time.” Mikasa thanks Petra and Petra stands up to give her a brief hug, telling her that it was no problem at all and she was delighted to help in any way that she can.

I walkover with the correct amount of cash and hand it to Petra, giving my thanks for her hard work as well. She gives us both bright, warm smiles and then grabs her bags, which she previously packed in time to leave, and heads out the door, practical rays of sunshine shining off of her.

“Ok, well, he looks comfortable there watching TV with his little teddy.” Mikasa fondly says as she admires Aysen. We had bought him a blue teddy that was almost his size and he was always snuggling up to it when he wasn’t with someone else. His dark eyes were trained on the TV, watching some random kids show that I have no idea what is about, and paying no heed to anything else going on around him.

“I can watch him while you go get ready, if you want.” I offer to Mikasa and she nods in appreciation, heading to her room and coming back out with her towel and a change of clean clothes. I take my seat next to Aysen on the couch, careful not to jostle him too much in case he topples over; he’s not the best at balance and falls over often.

The show that Petra had put on was a cartoon and the characters were these strange people and animals that could all talk. They were bouncing around a town, doing who knows what, and I basically lost all hope for the future generations, if this is the garbage that they are being forced to watch.

What happened to good ol’ Sesame Street, or Play School? Man, those were the good old days. Waking up at the ass crack of dawn and singing along with the actors on TV and dancing with them as well. Ma always got a good laugh out of that; I really got into it. I wonder how she’s doing. I should probably visit her grave soon; I haven’t done so in a long while.

Mikasa doesn’t take long in the shower and walks out in her clean clothes and semi-dry hair; still drying it as she walks out. She walks over and plops down on the floor in front of the couch and behind the coffee table, slightly squished between the two.

“You can use the bathroom now. I’d advise you to do so while the steam is still in there and it’s warm.” She grins as she says the last part and I nod in reply. I don’t need a shower since I hadn’t done anything over-exertive today, and I was gonna have one tonight anyway.

Instead, I change my pants to something smarter, like jeans. I find a black, skinny pair and pull them on, leaving my shirt since it was acceptable anyway. I cross the hall diagonally to the bathroom and shut the door. Mikasa was right: it was a right choice to come in while it was still warm. The steam is now trapped in here with me while I brush my teeth and floss.

As they say, when you look your best – or better than usual, psychologically, in my case – you feel more confident. Let’s just put that theory to the test today then shall we? Sure, looking better crosses off one panic, but it just opens the door to the others that may have been tucked away, waiting for their time to shine bright and clear; like such a shit colour my hair is. It’s brown, like shit. Beautiful.

I comb my fingers through my hair in a vain attempt at controlling it and keeping it at least a bit tamed. Such efforts go to waste of course when your hair is as stubborn as you are. Giving up, I muster the will to open the door, the blast of freezing air feeling like a complete slap in the face, and go back out to Mikasa.

“Ok, I’m ready to go. What’s the time?” Mikasa pulls out her phone and checks the time for me.

“It’s 3:30, we should probably go now. I don’t know how long it’ll take to get there, and it’s better to be early than late.” She turns off the remote that was on the table in front of her, stands and goes to the bathroom to put her towel, that she had been drying her hair with, to hang. “Can you grab Aysen’s bag from my room and put his bottle that I filled in it and take it to the car with you, I’ll grab Aysen.”

I do as she says, passing her on the way to her room as she walks back out of the bathroom. I grab Aysen’s special bag, go back out and put his bottle in it, and head to the car that used to be Mikasa’s mum’s, being passed down to Mikasa. Before going out, as I pass the keys on the hooks next to the door, I pick them up so that I can actually go _into_ the car. Made that mistake once before, never again.

I hop into the front passenger seat with Aysen’s bag at my feet and Mikasa’s joins me a few seconds later, buckling Aysen in his booster seat before taking the keys from my proffered hand and starting the car.

“Ok, I have the address on maps on my phone so it should tell us the directions.” I nod and sit back, ready for the ride to my doom.

I don’t know many – if any – people that have been to a psychiatrist. None of our friends have said that they’ve been to one and I don’t socialise outside of that group, so I wouldn’t know anyone else that has been to one. Unless one of them has been but just didn’t say anything out of embarrassment of actually needing one.

What if people start calling me mental? Normally crazy people, like sociopaths, go to psychiatrists. Jean will more than likely start calling me that since he’ll finally have something new to make fun of me for. That horseface needs to go to a vet though; his voice is getting increasingly hoarser as the days go by; he should really get that checked out.

We’re already on the road and driving, Mikasa’s driving is one that you feel the safest with. She exudes this powerful aura of knowledge; that she actually knows what she’s doing on the road and has everything in control. When my mother was driving with me, I’d clutch the seat in fear of driving off the road or into someone. Same with Jean.

I glance at her phone, which has been placed on the compartment in the middle, and see that we actually don’t live that far from the psychiatrist, only ten minutes or so until we arrive. Great. I can count down the minutes until my death. Aysen is gurgling in the backseat, waving his arms and legs around a bit as he does so. How did we get so lucky to have him dropped into our lives?

He’s like a godsend to prevent my destructive thoughts – although it doesn’t always help – and to let us watch grow and blossom into hopefully a creative genius and an open-minded, caring person. I will definitely protect this child with my life. Give an unimportant life to save one that has so much to live for; sounds like a good deal to me.

Mikasa pays her complete attention on the road, not paying any mind to me and probably even Aysen. She’s really gone into some kinda of shell since her mother died; I wonder if I did that. I probably did, my depressed ass must have been somewhat cheerful at some point. She isn’t as outgoing as before, sure she still has fun near to all the time, but she has most definitely receded into herself.

In my mindless thoughts of practically nothing, Mikasa announces that we have arrived and parks the car on the curb behind another black, shiny car. She cuts the engine and unbuckles, proceeding to exit the car and unbuckle Aysen and shrug on his bag. I join her and exit the car as well, both walking up to the front door after she hands me Aysen.

As we pass the cars though, I see another man get into the car we parked behind. Fuck my life. It’s that guy again. Now known as the erotic dancer with a stage name of ‘Heichou,’ Mr Smith’s friend of some sort and Mikasa’s long lost/banished uncle. Now a new one is added to the list of going to a psychiatrist; even better that that psychiatrist just happens to be the one that we are going to. Perfect.

Mikasa pays no mind to the guy – she probably didn’t notice him since they didn’t make out at one point and it’s weird between them – and continues up to the door, ringing the doorbell when she’s close enough. The psychiatrist – I’ve forgotten their name so hopefully they say their name before it gets awkward – opens the door in just a few seconds, obviously still near it since they had just said goodbye to the ravenet.

“Ah! Good afternoon! You two are Mikasa and Eren right? Sorry if I’ve forgotten.” They’re all smiles and an amazing amount of energy, practically bouncing on the spot as they greet us.

“Good afternoon. Yes we are, you didn’t forget. It’s ok that we’ve brought my little brother right?” Mikasa replies for the two of us and becomes unsure when she asks her question.

“Oh no, it’s perfectly fine! Don’t worry about it, you can bring him to each session if you need to, so don’t fret about it.” She has a face of incredulity, as if she couldn’t think of why we wouldn’t be allowed to bring Aysen. “I’m glad that I didn’t forget your names, and, just in case you’ve forgotten mine, it’s Hanji Zoe. You may call me Hanji if you’d like and please, if you’re going to refer to me, please use they, their and them pronouns. I don’t like to be gendered, thank you.” I’ve not met someone that doesn’t like to be gendered before and actually announce it. I’ll try my best to do so; I don’t want to accidentally insult them.

We nod and she invites us in, leading us into the room directly to the left when entering. The house has dark, wooden floorboards and warm coloured walls, obviously to relax anyone that enters; probably purposely designed that way for their job. The room we enter is large, housing a modern desk directly to your right when you walk in and there are large wooden bookshelves that line almost every wall where there is space.

In the middle of the room, the are two couches that are facing each other with a coffee table in the middle. The couches are a marron colour and the table has a clear top with black bars. There are tissues and, from what I can tell, a few science magazines spread-stacked on it.

The lighting for the room comes through the windows from the front of the house. The windows are facing where the sun sets, so the beautiful colours of orange and red shine through and into the room, lighting up the whole place. There are thin curtains drawn over the windows and they must be the type that you can’t see from one side since it would make people uneasy to know that they can be seen while they spill their guts out for someone. Tied up on the sides of the windows are thicker curtains though, so if people want, they can be drawn as well.

“You two can go in and sit down and get comfortable if you’d like. I had just baked some cookies before you arrived so I’ll go and get some for you both. Would either of you like a drink or something else to eat?” We shake our heads in reply and she goes off to retrieve the fresh cookies. Mikasa and I sit down on the couch that has its back to the door, Mikasa placing the bag on the floor and motioning for me to pass Aysen to her.

She cuddles him to her chest, resting her head near to his and remaining quiet. Maybe she is somewhat nervous for this after all. My panic seems to have eluded my mind, or I’m just in some kind of high spirit. Definitely high; the panic will come eventually.

We sit there in quiet until Hanji comes back in, holding a plate full of choc chip cookies and a massive grin on their face. They really are excited, aren’t they? They place the plate on the table, pick up a small notepad from it as well as they sit down and pull out a pen from their hair. Leaning back into their seat, the smile on their face calms down into a warm one.

“How was your two’s day?” I guess that she’s just going to ease into it then; smart, don’t want to pressure the patient and scare them off at first sentence.

“Well, we had school of course, so that isn’t the most fun of times, and I had gym on top of that. But otherwise my day wasn’t too bad.” Mikasa answers first and I’m reluctant to speak. I don’t even know why I don’t want to say anything, I simply don’t.

“And you, Eren? Was your day ok?” Hanji directs the question to me now, hoping to get some type of response, and all I give them is a nod. “She seems pleased to at least get something out of me and goes on. “So how old is this little one? He’s your brother, Mikasa, right?” Mikasa nods and smiles lovingly down at Aysen.

“He’s two weeks old tomorrow.” Hanji doesn’t ask anything personal, obviously experienced enough to understand that one personal question too soon or too triggering could set everything off; like asking why his mother isn’t caring for him at such a young age. They have probably deducted that information simply by that fact alone.

“Ah, he’s so adorable, and he’s grown a fair bit for that age! Oh how I love the human body!” They are extremely enthusiastic when they start speaking about his size, speaking rushedly and excitedly.

“Yeah, he really has. He can somewhat keep himself up slightly for about one or two seconds before falls and starts to rock side to side. He’s such an amazing baby, I wouldn’t ask for anyone else.” Mikasa’s tone is entirely adoring; we all love Aysen to death, but Mikasa’s love for him outweighs everyone’s.

“Ah, sisterly love at its finest.” Now Hanji has gone all sappy along with Mikasa, both having stupidly adoring faces on. “So, Mikasa, what has recently been going on? Anything big happen that has turned your life around perhaps?” Here come the actual questions now. Mikasa stays silent for a bit, Hanji remaining patient in her seat, now with their notebook at the ready, before she takes a deep, steadying breath and speaks.

“Yeah, my mother had passed away, during or after the birth of my brother. She had fallen at home, thank god Eren was there to help her otherwise her nor my brother would have made it. She had gotten damage to her head when she fell and the doctors hadn’t realised just how serious an injury it was, prioritising the life of Aysen and birthing him.”

Hanji was taking notes of everything Mikasa said, keeping their head up and focus completely on her, even though Mikasa kept her head down as she spoke. Hanji nodded every now and then; obviously just in case Mikasa were to raise her head then it would show that they were paying attentive focus on her and her words.

“That’s quite horrible, losing such a big part of your life like that. How do you feel about all of this exactly? Can you explain just what goes through your head each day, please?” Hanji’s tone has gone into a professional, yet calming, tone now, no more jokes.

“Well, of course I’m sad about it and I miss her to bits, but, I feel bad; guilty, because I didn’t have a massive reaction to the whole event. I haven’t been to her grave since the funeral on Saturday.”

Hanji jots this down as well, the sides of their mouth dropping down in a small frown; not happy about how Mikasa feels about the whole ordeal.

“I don’t feel like doing anything either. I have no want to go to school and hang out with my friends or boyfriend. I just don’t feel like even getting out of bed sometimes.” Ah, Mikasa and I feel the same, but she’s only recently been feeling like this, since her mother passed. I’ve felt like that my entire life.

“They are all natural responses to an event like this happening, and I can help you to get out of that mind frame. You are showing signs of depression and we can do more sessions until you feel at your best, or at least as good as you can feel. It can be a difficult and long process sometimes, but you’ve only got the minor signs so we can possibly get rid of it sooner.” Hanji speaks in her professional tone again, assuring Mikasa that she can fix this with effort.

They speak for another 10 or so minutes and then it’s my go to speak. You know, they say that panic attacks can strike at complete random and out of nowhere, sometimes even for no reason. There is a reason for this one, and it may not be out of nowhere, but it was definitely the fastest one has come on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter is up and on time finally!! Hope you guys enjoy it! Let me know what you think in the comments and if there are any mistakes. Thank you!


	14. Learning To Recount

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As per usual, not every day is a good day; especially for Eren.

I can’t breathe, my chest is too tight. I can’t see either, my vision is completely black. I don’t hear anything, my ears feel fuzzy and like a bomb went off right next to me; they are ringing.

            You see, the thing about panic attacks, is that you can’t control them. They can be about the most stupid things; especially if you’ve been over-working yourself. You spill your water or milk, or you spill your grapes, every thing’s going to feel like the end of the world and you’re going to curl into a ball of breathlessness.

            You see, panic attacks are completely overlooked and thought of as attention seeking. People think that the person having one, is just putting it on and simply doesn’t want to do whatever they’re asked or told to do if they are, or are simply worrying too much about the smallest of things. When it’s the complete opposite.

            The person having the panic attack, does not want to have it. They are one of the worst feelings ever, and if they are for minor things, then the person will often feel bad afterwards for having such an episode. It’s not their fault, they can’t control it.

            So when I start having a panic attack in Hanji’s room, the first thought that goes through my mind is ‘shit, not now,’ and then the second feeling was guilt. I didn’t want to put this on them; they don’t deserve to put up with my shit. I shouldn’t have even come if I knew that I’d have a panic attack; which I did. But I didn’t want to let Mikasa down; I knew that this was important for her.

            I don’t know what position I’m in, only that I was sitting on the couch and my vision blurred. I think my head might be in my hands between my legs with my legs tucked in on the couch. That’s the position that I usually find myself in when I calm down.

            I can’t stop my panic attack, it just doesn’t work. I always have to just let it run its course. It’s annoying of course, but it’s not like I can help it.

            Mikasa and Hanji are probably just looking at me with disgusted faces on; thinking that I am putting this on so that I don’t have to do my session. I don’t want to exactly, but I wouldn’t have a panic attack just to get out of it.

            It’s not until about 6 minutes later, that I come to. I’m in my suspected position – legs tucked in and my head between them with my hands on my head. I don’t want to raise my head, simply because I don’t want to face Mikasa and Hanji, especially the latter. Hanji has now gotten a good view of just how fucked up I am, enough to have a panic attack at least.

            They must know that I’ve calmed down somewhat as I feel Mikasa place her hand on my arm gently; so as not to scare me I guess. I still don’t want to look at them though. I know I’m just being stubborn and immature but I just don’t. Not even when Mikasa calls out to me.

            “Eren… please look at me. Are you ok? We can stop here; you don’t have to have your session.” It’s not that I don’t want to; it’s that my unconscious doesn’t. I strain my eyes as I only raise them to look at her to my right. She had a slight hint of a worried look on, but she kept true to her blank expression that she almost always wears now.

            She must be able to see my eyes looking at her because I can see her visibly, although only a minuscule amount, relax from my cooperation. She moves closer, making sure to keep a steady hand on Aysen, keeping him close to her chest, and gives me more comfort in her presence.

            “We can cut the session short and go home, it’s ok.” Her voice does manage to soothe me; my mind having decided to calm down. I shake my head and sit straight, lowering my legs to the ground and raising my head to look at Hanji, who was still sat at the opposite couch, not having moved.

            “Sorry for that. I’m fine now, shall we proceed?” I try and speak in a confident voice, hoping to overcome the fact that yes, I did just have a panic attack, but no, I don’t need an excessive amount of coddling because I am grown.

            “Ah, are you sure? We can cut this short if you are not-”

            “I said I am fine, so can we please just continue.” I cut them off, really not wanting to seem weak at my first introduction basically. It’s like standing up, with a massive sign saying that I am weak, and then clarifying it by yelling it at the top of my lungs for everyone to hear. I may have spoken a bit rudely, but I need to get through with this.

            “Ok. So, Eren, do you normally have panic attacks on a regular basis, or are they induced only in stressful situations such as this?” Good, straight to the point; I prefer it that way; gets it over and done with.

            “I do have them on a semi regular basis. They’re nothing new to me at all.” No point to sugar coat it, they’d prefer it that way anyway.

            “What is your home life like? Is it stressful? Can this be a reason for having panic attacks?”

            “I live with Mikasa. My father killed my mother when I was 10 and had gone to jail around 7 or 8 months now; the same amount of time that I have been living with Mikasa. Home life wouldn’t be a trigger for panic attacks; I don’t know what my trigger is really.”

            “Would you like to tell me more about what happened with your parents in further detail?” Now, it’s the moment of truth; whether Hanji will be disgusted by my past, or accepting. Highly unlikely that they will be completely accepting of such a disgusting act.

            “Well, let’s start from the beginning, shall we? So, my father and mother were fighting in our kitchen back at my house, and had woken me up. I went to check out what was happening, only to walk into my mother being hit when she already had multiple bruises and bleeding cuts across her body and mostly face. I tried to intervene; to stop him from hurting her even further, but he just threw me away and sent me to my room.

            “I persisted, but my mum told me to go and so I conceded. He had killed her when I was in my room, probably while I was crying, or passed out from crying. He had completely changed after that.” My voice cracks at that moment, and I swallow and clear my throat before continuing, my eyes downcast since I had said that my father threw me. I might as well tell them everything, since that is what I’m supposed to do anyway.

            “He had started beating me up instead, blaming me for her death as though he wasn’t the one that had killed her in cold blood with his hands. It wasn’t until about when I was maybe 12 or 13 that he had started sexually abusing me as well. I didn’t try to stop him, probably because I’m just such a weak bastard that couldn’t even save his own mother, but also probably because deep down, I still do love him like a father and couldn’t raise a hand to family. I knew that he was just a bit messed up, and that the real him was still in there.” I finish my small life story of woe and father problems, unwilling to lift my head again.

            “That’s really unfortunate, Eren. I’m sorry that this had to happen to you.” I raise my head in shock at what Hanji says. _So they aren’t disgusted with me?_ “Of course I’m not disgusted with you. It wasn’t your fault that he did that to you. If anything I’m disgusted with him.” I guess that I had said that out loud instead of in my head.

            They’re writing down a few things on their notepad again; it seems to be messily written dot-points. Once they’ve finished writing their notes, they look back up to me.

            “Do you still feel this way about your father, even after he’s been arrested?” I don’t exactly know the answer to this one. I say that I do hate him now, but I know that I’m lying to myself. I hate him on a certain level, like how a child would hate their parent for not giving them a toy; I hate him because he killed my mother. But saying that I hate him for abusing me is a different story.

            I know that it’s not right for him to abuse me in such ways, but I can’t help but believe that I deserved it anyway. I guess I have mixed emotions about it in a way.

            “It’s ok if you can’t answer, Eren. You don’t have to answer everything that I ask of you right now. We can always comeback to it later if you want, or you don’t have to answer at all. I don’t want to push you into doing what you don’t want.”

            “No, it’s fine. I guess that I still feel the same way for him in a way. I hate him for killing my mother and abusing me, but he’s still my dad.” I hope they understand what I mean by that, I’m not the best at explaining things. They jot down a few things on their notebook before looking up again.

“And how have you reacted to everything exactly?” Oh, this isn’t something that I’d want Mikasa to hear, nor disclose to them. They must be able to read the look on my face as one of hesitation and has an understanding look take over. “Ok, maybe at a later time, yes? We don’t need to go over absolutely every detail right at this moment; we will go over as much as you want in future sessions.”

            I nod and relax a bit more. I look around the room in search of a clock and find one on Hanji’s desk, reading that it is 6:17pm. Wow. This went for much longer than I thought.

            “Ok, so did we want to end the session here for now?” Hanji pipes up, most likely having seen my slight shock at reading the time. Mikasa nods and says that we should and stands up, me following her along with Hanji. Mikasa picks up our things and passes Aysen to me so that it’s easier for her.

            Hanji walks us to the door and wishes us a safe trip home and informs Mikasa that they will message her or Mikasa can message them if we want to make another appointment. We probably will since we both obviously need it and they are the best bet we have.

            We make our way to the car, buckling Aysen and ourselves in before making the drive back home, completely in silence. Usually our silences are comfortable, both not feeling the need to speak since it’s not awkward. But this time, the silence is extremely eerie, the aura of the car unsettling and causing the already chilled air to seem even colder.

            Is Mikasa in a bad mood after what happened? Or is it just my imagination playing tricks on me as usual? I look over to Mikasa, where she is driving and keeping a close eye on the road, and confirm that yes, she is, from what I can read from her emotion that she barely shows and I only know how to read from being so close to her all these years, in fact in a bad mood.

            I don’t know if I should ask her about it, unsure of whether she would want to talk about it, or she’ll blow with anger. Her grip on the wheel isn’t very reassuring, held in a practical death grip, yet steady so we won’t be serving anytime soon. Thank you, Mikasa for your safe driving.

            I should probably ask her about it though, otherwise she’ll have it bubbling inside of her without any way to get out and she’ll be stuck with it for the rest of the day, or week even. Mikasa, on the outside, seems like a very uncaring and completely unemotional person in almost every situation when we aren’t having a genuinely good time. I have read that she has what’s called a ‘resting bitch face’ and only people that know her well and for a long time, know that she is actually full of emotion and can see the slight changes in her expression.

            She’s only been like this since her mother died though, and to say that she is completely unemotional is an over-exaggeration honestly. She does actually show a fair amount of emotion at a fair amount of times, just when we aren’t doing anything she has a rest bitch face. She isn’t a completely hollow shell.

            I do worry for her of course, she’s not exactly the Mikasa I used to know, but I still love her for who she is, no matter what happens or what she does. I just really hope that Hanji can help her.

            “Mika-”

            “Why didn’t you answer them?” She cuts me off but her voice is so small that I barely catch what she says at first. I guess I knew that this was coming anyway, Mikasa does have a tendency to worry over me, and knowing that my reaction for everything going on is something that I didn’t want to talk about obviously doesn’t make her too happy. Even if I’m reluctant to answer, I know that I have to at least say something to ease her mind.

            “I didn’t want to tell them that I’ve practically secluded myself from the world and become a hollow shell of self-destruction.” I can’t tell her anything else; I don’t know what to say without saying that I’ve practically sold my body and actually destroyed it as well. She knows that I’ve gone to clubs, but not exactly what I do there.

            She doesn’t respond after that, just focusing on driving us back. Her knuckles are white where she clutches the steering wheel and that’s the only indication I have that she is still mad. Her face only slightly gives her away; only someone that knows her really well can see the slight furrow of her eyebrows and death look in her eyes.

            We don’t talk for the rest of the way home, the only sound coming from Aysen where he was playing with his feet and making little noises. The drive isn’t too long luckily, and we’re home in about 10 minutes. Mikasa’s dad is already home as his car is in the driveway.

 I take Aysen inside with me and go to make his milk bottle. Mr Ackerman was sitting in the lounge room watching TV and he greets me when I walk in and asks if I wanted to give Aysen to him so my arms are free. I gladly do as he suggests and walk over to pass him Aysen.

Now having my arms free, I go to making his bottle with ease while Mikasa walks in and plonks herself next to her dad. He smiles at her in greeting and she returns it with a soft one of her own.

“So how did it go, the session?”

“It was good. They asked me about what’s recently happened and how it’s affected me and how I coped with it and asked Eren about what’s happened with him and how he’s coped with it all.” Mikasa replies to her dad’s question.

“Ok. So did it run smoothly, or was the psychiatrist rude to you guys?” He shows concern for us when he asks the question and a little bit of anger that flares through his expression.

“No, they were extremely understanding and patient. They didn’t push Eren when he had a panic attack either, just being completely patient with everything.” I froze in my spot where I was screwing the lid of the baby bottle back on and almost dropped it when Mikasa spoke those words. How could she say that? I didn’t want anyone to know that I had a panic attack at the psychiatrist, and now she’s just gone and told her dad? Why would she do such a thing?

“Mikasa!” Mikasa’s dad had gotten worried when she had said what happened and now at my shout they’re both looking at me. I can tell that my face is full of rage and shame, embarrassed about someone knowing I’m so weak as to have an episode at a psychiatrist. “Why would you say that?! I didn’t want anyone knowing about that!” My voice is ridden with venom, hissing out at Mikasa, not letting anything back in my haze of rage.

“Well what is he going to do if you suddenly have one and he doesn’t know what’s going on?” Mikasa keeps her cool as she speaks and ‘him’ is referring to her dad. Of course I understand that if that happens he should know what’s going on exactly, but I don’t plan on having any episodes when he is around exactly.

“I don’t exactly plan on having any around anymore people, Mikasa! In any case, it still doesn’t give you the right to tell him! I can tell him in my own time on my own accord!” I really shouldn’t be yelling, especially with Aysen in the room, and speaking about her dad as if he weren’t in the room, but I can’t help myself. That’s the thing about me; when I get blinded by rage, there’s not much that I won’t do, because I’m not entirely in control of myself.

Mikasa and Armin have spoken to me about it before and think that I probably have anger issues, and of course I can’t help but believe them because there’s no other thing to call it. It’s not often that I lash out at them though, although I have, but it’s more occurring with Jean when we fight and I don’t hold back with anything. Physical or verbal, I don’t hold back when I’m full of rage.

I always regret it later, but that still doesn’t stop the present from happening. Mikasa and Armin forgive me of course afterwards, but that’s what’s made my relationship with Jean so fragile, any wrong move from either of us and we start yelling. He also has a hot head and we can clash at any moment’s notice.

Mikasa’s dad looks extremely concerned and is holding Aysen closer to his chest, he doesn’t look mad at all for my yelling at Mikasa, only sorrowful. Why would he feel sad?

“Eren.” He’s spoken up now and my rage filled gaze flickers over to him. His voice is levelled and careful as he continues, trying to console me with the situation. “I’m sorry that Mikasa had informed me without your consent, but it does help to know that. If you are susceptible to panic attacks, then I can help you if you do happen to have one, at any time. Whether you’re out and no one can come to your aid and you need to call me, or whether you are at home and Mikasa’s out.” He doesn’t exactly help in calming me down, but I do a tiny bit, at least enough to pick up Aysen’s bottle and take it over to them. Passing Mr Ackerman the bottle, I speak up.

“I wouldn’t call for anyone’s help anyway; I prefer to be alone when that happens. So if I am around either of you when I have one, just leave me be.” I know I probably sound like an ungrateful brat, but I need them to know this. I turn around to head to my room when Mikasa calls out for me.

“Eren, did you want the next session to be separate?” I turn around and reply that I would; if Hanji is going to want to know everything, then Mikasa can’t be in the room when that happens. “Ok. So when would you like the next session to be and would you like them on the same day or separate?” I reply that any day is fine and that I’d prefer if they were actually on separate days. I do prefer to be alone anyway. She hums in acknowledgment and I continue to my room where I can bask in my own solitude.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, next chapter is up! Sorry I’m not updating regularly; I’m beginning to procrastinate when it comes to writing. I’ll try my best to get back in to the order of things! Let me know what you think of this chapter and if there are any mistakes! Thank you!


	15. Learning To Inform

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren goes to his first solo session with Hanji and we finally start moving on with the storyline!

Anxiety fucking sucks. So does suspense. I have my own appointment with the psychiatrist today; today’s Friday, Mikasa had hers yesterday and I took care of Aysen, while she does so today. Standing outside their house now, I’m seriously thinking of just turning and walking back.

I don’t really need to go anyway, what good will come out of it? It’s just giving me even worse anxiety by coming here. Surely I can just go back and pretend that I forgot about it, or even better: that I never even knew about the session in the first place. Yep, that’ll surely work out brilliantly.

What am I even thinking, running away from something? What have I even come to? A wimp that can’t even attend their own appointment; like a child. I can’t do anything, I’m an incompetent person that will never move out of home and will end up just getting kicked to the streets to starve.

I’m still standing in front of Hanji’s house, eyes glazed over, not really seeing anything and staring at some random object probably, while my breathing is shallow and heavily laboured. My back is tense and my arms are straight and stuck at my sides, not willing to move. I have a jumper on over a t-shirt and my hands are pulling the sleeves over them.

My signs of anxiety; not many can notice them in everyday life as they aren’t very noticeable and out of the blue. I could be having an anxiety attack and no one will be able to tell; I don’t always have a massive breakdown anxiety attack, that’s mostly when I’m alone or it’s really serious. The one I had last time was random, I can usually control myself in front of other people but apparently I had been too terrified at the idea of having to speak up. Shit happens, not much I can do when it does.

When I’m in public though and I do manage to keep it on the low, I get really twitchy, and I probably look like I’m in immense pain. My arms mostly stick to my sides and my hands will be playing with each other in front of my stomach; just resting on it, keeping myself closed in. I completely avoid any unnecessary eye contact, and only raise my eyes slightly in front of my body so I know where I’m going, otherwise they stick to just in front of my feet.

I hear a door open in the background, I still haven’t focused my vision, but now that I actually use my eyes – even in the blur that they see – I notice that I had been staring at the ground. The door that I heard doesn’t shut and I don’t hear any footsteps to indicate a person walking. Maybe a neighbour got home from shopping and still has bags to take in.

“Eren?” I think that’s actually Hanji. Guess it wasn’t a neighbour that opened their door and was just Hanji. I raise my head to look in their direction, even though my head is still in a haze but my eyes have focused now. “Do you want to come inside, Eren?” That’s right; still standing out here. I wonder what my expression looks like to them.

Instead of giving a definite reply, I just walk up the stone pathway to the front door and Hanji steps aside to let me walk in first. They say to head straight into the room and make myself comfortable while they quickly finish getting everything ready.

I do as Hanji says and make my way to the left where the assigned room is. Hanji really did do well in their décor for their house; feels very homey and welcoming. I relax somewhat from my anxiety with all the wooden, cottage-like floorboards and walls around me, but it’s only enough to make my body not be as stiff as it was before, so that when I sit on the couch, I do relax back into the cushion.

I sit with my hands fisted in my lap, arms still slightly unwilling to move anywhere else, though my back is definitely relaxed. An onlooker that doesn’t know my every movement wouldn’t be able to see a difference, but for me it’s like a sore thumb.

Hanji walks in with their notepad and pen like last time, also holding a small plate of cookies. I might just indulge myself in one if they’re offering. They set the plate on the small coffee table and sit themselves on the seat across from me.

“You can have a cookie if you want, Eren. It’s ok.” Hanji chuckles after their sentence with an amused look on their face. I guess I wasn’t so subtle in expressing my want for a delicious looking cookie. I hesitate a bit and Hanji speaks up again. “They’re just choc chip, if you were wondering; nothing special.” I nod and finally lean into retrieve one from the plate.

As I take a bite, it practically melts in my mouth and I can’t help but hum in delight, a blissful look taking over my face. Hanji chuckles once more at my reaction and then begins the chat as I finish my cookie.

“So, how was your day, Eren?”

“It was alright I guess.” I never really know how to answer this question with anything more. Nothing exciting happens in my day that I possibly could recite to someone else. I honestly don’t know how people even can have massive stories to tell about their average day. Yeah, I went to school, had these classes, end of story. What is so exciting about that?

“Did anything in particular happen today? Something that you learnt in one of your lessons perhaps?”

“No, not really. We didn’t learn anything new as usual. Or at least that’s what I know, we possibly could have, but it’s not like I actually listened. I know the shit that they teach us anyway. Yep, one plus one is two. Two divided by two is one. One times one is, oh my god, one.” I paused at the last part to put some sarcastic suspense in the equation.

“Why don’t you feel the need to listen in all your classes, Eren? Do you feel as though what they teach you is not needed?”

“Well yeah. Why do we need to learn all this complicated math shit and what a noun is or how to find to mitochondria of a plant? Yep, that’s totally gonna help me find out how to pay taxes and buy a house and how to get a job. So useful!” You could practically feel the sarcasm dripping out of my words as I spoke them. Hanji seemed to notice it as they had a small smile on their face as they wrote in their notebook.

“What do you do in your break at school? Do you sit with friends, eat food?”

“Yeah, we have a small group of about eight people. We all sit at a bench under a tree. It’s like a picnic table; a table with long seats on either side of it and at the ends as well. We do eat; I normally have a sandwich or something. I don’t normally eat too much.”

“Why is it that you don’t eat much? Do you just not have an appetite or do you not like food?”

“I… guess I just don’t really have a large appetite? I don’t really know. I don’t get hungry, I just eat because it’s necessary. I haven’t really thought about it.”

“Ok. What do you do when you get home? Or simply after school.”

“Well, Mikasa and I walk home together and dismiss the baby-sitter. I normally sit in my room and listen to music while browsing the web. Sometimes – a lot recently – Mikasa and I will go out to town or do something with friends.”

“Ok. Back onto the topic from our last session, you said that you’d prefer not to say how you had reacted to your father’s ministrations. Did you still not want to disclose that information, or are you alright to tell me now?” How am I supposed to tell them such things that I had done to myself though?

I can’t tell Hanji what I’ve done; they’d surely be absolutely horrified and revolted at my actions. The things that I had succumbed to are most definitely things that if you had asked me, before everything had happened, if I would ever do such a thing, I’d be absolutely shocked that you’d even suggest me doing such a thing. Now, with my fucked up mind, it’s like an everyday thing to do.

The thought of telling Hanji once again brings my anxiety back at almost full force. My stomach clenches and it feels as though someone has compressed the air from my lungs and put me in a corset just to make it even more difficult to breathe. Hanji wouldn’t force me to tell them, I’m sure, but I do come to these sessions for a reason, and I haven’t told anyone about it in detail. Armin and Mikasa only know the thin icing on top of the cake about my exact actions.

If I do tell Hanji, it’d let a massive weight off my chest, and I know that Hanji wouldn’t tell anyone since it’s part of every psychiatrist’s code of rules. But then again, it could also put an even heavier burden on my chest to know that someone else does know, and I’d be worrying about what they think of me.

I’m not entirely reluctant to tell someone I can slightly trust what has happened to me with my father, especially if you catch me in one of my moods where I don’t even care anymore; which I was in when I had told Hanji. But no one knows about the outcome of such ministrations, not even in that mood would I tell someone. I do have some form of control at least, thankfully.

I guess that I should tell Hanji, it will benefit me, won’t it? Yes, I’m sure it will. They’ll be able to help me with it, and, and… get me through it, I guess. Yes, that’s what they’ll do. Good. Ok. Yep. I can do this.

“Well, there are a few things that I did…” I hesitate in continuing and Hanji speaks up to encourage me along.

“And what were those things that you did? Did you lock yourself in your room, ignore people?” Oh if only I did that.

“No, I’d go out so that I could forget what he’d done to me. It was just after he’d do it at first, but then it became a habit and I started doing it even when he hadn’t done anything…” Once again, I hesitate but I don’t let Hanji speak before I continue; I don’t need them to encourage me each time I hesitate. “I cut at first; I was probably around 13, the age when he had started sexually abusing me. It was probably around a few nights after he first did it, I was in so much pain and we never had medication in the house so I couldn’t take it away. Then I had thought, what if I could just distract that pain with a different type? Because when you’ve scraped your elbow, scarping your knee afterwards would distract you from your elbow, right?”

Hanji jots down little notes as I speak, a look of concentration taking over their face. Once they finish with their notes, they look back up at me and notice that I’ve paused and am looking at them. “Did you want to stop there for today? We can talk about other things if you’d prefer.”

“No, it’s ok. The first time I had cut it was only a few marks, and after sitting there for a bit, with the small marks I had made slowly starting to let little beads of blood out, I had thought I was completely mental for doing such a thing. Then, a few weeks after that, I couldn’t stand the pain and had cut without hesitation. I’d cut on my thighs; that was the first spot and until relatively recently, it was the only spot. Then I went to my arms, there’s only a few slits there though.”

“Do you only harm yourself with cutting, or do you use other methods to harm yourself?” Hanji questions me after I finish.

“No, I only ever cut, unless you think of drinking as harming myself, then yeah, I drink.”

“Ok, and when had you started drinking? And where?”

“I started when I looked old enough to get into clubs. I was maybe fifteen or sixteen. I’d go to clubs and get completely wasted, it helped me forget about it all, and it was better if I passed out at the end of it.” I’m not sure if I should tell them about what else I do at clubs, that’s probably too far.

“Is there anything else that you do?” They could probably read the hesitation on my face again and suspected that there was more, as there is. Time to tell them then.

“Yeah… one time when I was off my face, a guy had approached me and suggested that we go around the back and have some ‘fun’. I hadn’t thought anything of it of course; I was completely drunk and couldn’t think in my right mind, so I went with him. I knew what we were going to do and I just went along with him. When we got around the back, he actually offered me a joint before we began. I took it, something new to try of course, and then we went for it.”

“So you’re not afraid of being abused like that? Or did you not see it as abuse?”

“I wasn’t thinking when we did it. I just saw it as a way to forget and get off at the same time. What I did realise though, was that I can only do that when I’m not thinking properly. When I had just arrived at a bar once, a guy immediately approached me, I was only drinking my first drink, and he came up behind me, put his hand on my ass and whispered in my ear if I wanted to go somewhere with him.” I pause in my story, remembering that time actually makes me pretty uncomfortable, just like with my dad. It’s a bad memory to remember, but when I’m drunk it’s like nothing.

“How did you react to his advances?”

“My body j-just froze. His breath smelt like alcohol, and his hand was unrelenting on my ass, he was groping me and I hated it. He reminded me of my dad when he came home and into my room, piss drunk and ready to get off. I realised that I had to be completely drunk and or high to allow someone to touch me, because then my mind doesn’t think about how my dad touched me in that way. It’s weird, I know but-”

“It’s not weird at all, Eren, don’t worry. It’s very normal for you to be like this. When you’re mind isn’t thinking right, of course it’s not going to think of a sexual advance as being a way of abuse.”

“Yeah… I just, I don’t know why I even do it. I actually can’t even help myself. When that guy groped me, my mind immediately went to thinking that he was going to take advantage of me and r-rape me.” I’ve gone back into my shell now, unwilling to talk. I’m slouched on the couch, my hands fiddling in my lap and my body tense.

“That’s a perfectly normal response, Eren. Anyone would feel this way to such advances, and especially in your case, it can lead to even worse outcomes mentally. I actually have a friend/client that had a similar life to yours and now his line of work is one that would surprise you. I think that you’d both be able to help each other with this. He needs to socialise more, and you’d be able to relate to him a lot and become more confident in the way that you feel and not feel alone in this.”

“Oh ok.” Where are they going with this?

“So, I was wondering if I could introduce you both. You can meet here and talk a bit, or at least I could introduce you to each other, he’s not much of a talker and can be quite brash, but he is a caring person all in all. Would you mind meeting him?”

“I, I guess that wouldn’t be a problem.”

“Great! I don’t think I actually have your contact details, I can message you a day and time to come over so you can both meet.”

“Ah, yeah, here’s my number.” I give them my number and they write it down in their notebook. I guess now I’m going to meet someone new then, great.

“Perfect, ah, look at the time, that’s the end of our session.” Oh yea, now that I realise it actually is getting dark outside, and I have quite a walk ahead of me.

“Thank you, Hanji. I’ll hear from you then? I don’t have anything planned anytime soon, so don’t worry about me when arranging a time to come over.” I stand up as they do and we both walk to the door. Hanji opens it for me and I walk out.

“Yes that’s fine. Ah, Eren, do you have someone picking you up, or are you going to walk?” I turn back to answer them, standing just a few feet away.

“Ah, I’m going to walk, why do you ask?”

“Did you want me to drop you home? It’s pretty dark already, it wouldn’t be a problem.” I think about their offer, sure, it would be nice to be driven back, but I really don’t want to inconvenience them, I don’t want them to go out of their way for me. I guess it really wouldn’t hurt too much though, would it?

“Um, if you really don’t mind?”

“Oh no of course not, I wouldn’t mind one bit. Let me just go get my keys and a jacket and I’ll take you.” They head back inside while I wait out here, the chill of the pre-night air slowly starting to get through my clothes. Hanji comes back out after a minute and we head to their car.

They unlock the doors and we get in, her in the driver seat of course and myself in the passenger seat. I give them the address to Mikasa’s house and we make our way over.

“So, I’ll check with my friend when he is free sometime next week, and then I’ll message you to let you know about it ok?” Hanji starts up and glances at me.

“Yeah, that’s fine. If I really can’t make it for whatever reason, which I doubt will happen, I’ll just let you know. Your friend, are they nice? I’m not really the best with socialising you see…”

“Yeah that’ll be fine. They’re not good at socialising either, don’t worry. He’s very awkward and often doesn’t know what to say, so he does come off quite strange and rude. He blocks people out a lot. He only has two close friends; myself and one other. But don’t worry, I’ll be there for when you meet so I can help you both.” In saying this, it does actually help my anxiety for when we do meet.

“Ok, thank you Hanji.”

“It’s no problem, sweetheart.” We drift into a comfortable silence for the rest of the trip back. When we arrive I thank them for the ride and head inside the house. Mr Ackerman’s car is in the driveway and that lets me know that he is already home.

I make my way through the front door and am delighted to feel that the heater is on and someone is cooking dinner. I look to the kitchen and see Mr Ackerman with a black apron on and a wooden spoon in his hand.

“Welcome home, Eren! How was it?” I walk up to the other side of the kitchen island and sit on one of the stools.

“Yeah it was alright. Hanji is going to get me to meet one of their friends; they think that we’d be able to help each other. Apparently he has some problems as well.”

“Ah, I’m sure that will be great for you! How does stir-fry sound for dinner?” He grins at me from where he is stood over the wok and stirring the ingredients.

“Yeah, I love stir-fry, sounds good.”

 

Lying in bed, at god knows what time, my mind decides to give me an even harder time falling asleep than usual. Normally I can’t sleep well and end up passing out a couple hours after midnight; now though, I’m sure the sun is about to rise any minute now.

I had received a text from Hanji earlier today, or yesterday technically, asking if tomorrow, today technically, was ok for me to come over and meet their friend. I didn’t have anything on as usual so I said that would be fine and so I’m going to their’s at 1pm. They had said that their friend couldn’t make it during the week so we’ve had to do it on Saturday now; a week and a day after the last lesson.

I don’t know why I can’t sleep, but I guess it’s because of the impending doom of meeting Hanji’s friend. They said he was awkward yet caring, so I’m sure it’ll be fine, but what if he doesn’t like me? What if he thinks I’m disgusting for what’s happened and what I’ve done? What if he finds me annoying and childish?

This isn’t going to end well. I’m going to end up either yelling for some reason as usual or just not be able to speak out of fear. Hanji said they’ll help with the communication since their friend is so awkward and can be brash, but surely they can’t speak for both of us and have a practical one person conversation with practically themselves.

I turn over in my bed so I’m now facing the wall, laying on my right side. I pull my blankets to my chin to try and fend from the cold better. It’s only the beginning of winter, but it’s starting to get extremely cold. I’m having to use two blankets already, and that’s unusual. I’m sure it’s just a spike in the weather.

With my windows being placed on the wall where my headboard is, the light that streams through my window doesn’t hit my face directly, but I can still tell it’s there as it lightens my room and alerts me that yes, I unintentionally pulled an all-nighter because of my unwanted anxiety. It’s not like I actually feel that Hanji’s friend won’t like me for whatever reason, it’s that my destructive mind puts that thought in and my anxiety takes to it like dogs to bones.

I should still try to get some sleep though, it’s probably only 5:30 or 6am since the sun rises earlier in winter. I still have at least 4 hours, then I need to get ready to go. I once again close my eyes and get as comfortable as I can, but my mind is completely restless, unwilling to let me get an ounce of sleep. Guess that won’t be needed today then. I’ll just lay here until the time comes for me to get ready.

 

It’s 4 hours later, I think. The clock on my bedside table says it’s 10am and I’m pretty sure that the sun did start rising at 6. As I had suspected, I didn’t get a single wink of sleep and had lay here, on my back, thinking about how everything could go wrong with today, as I watched the sun rise and fill my room with as much light as it can with my blinds and curtains being closed.

Such a productive night: of staring at nothing and thinking the worst outcomes of a meeting. It wasn’t my preferred way to spend my time, but it’s not like I can control the way my unconscious thoughts turn.

Deciding to do something useful already, I drag my body out of bed on sluggish limbs; not sleeping obviously took a toll on the physical side of my body. I manage to lug myself onto my feet and trudge to my closet to grab a random pair of pants and a shirt, also a clean pair of boxer briefs and head across and down the hallway to the bathroom.

Turning on the shower to let the water warm up, I shred off my pyjama shirt – more like random old shirt that is now classified as a sleeping shirt – and underwear and hop into the now warmed stream of water in the shower. I scrub myself clean and wash my hair before rinsing everything off and getting out, drying myself off and dressing in the clean clothes I brought in with me.

As I hadn’t actually checked what I had picked up, I notice now that I’ve actually dressed in extremely casual clothes: dark grey trackies that are thankfully smart enough to go out in and a simple grey t-shirt. They’re not tacky so I leave them and brush my teeth before going back into my room, taking my dirty clothes with me of course.

I chuck my clothes in a random corner of my room and pick my phone off my bedside table where it was charging. Not having the support of my dad, I have an old phone, the one that people call ‘bricks’ now. I only use it for calling and texts though, not that I could do anything else on it though, but I’ve never felt the need to buy an expensive ‘smart phone’. I had to steal money from my dad to pay for this phone though, and I use his credit details to pay for my credit; I don’t think he’s actually realised, or he doesn’t care.

I check the time again – 10:45am – and check for any messages as I walk into the open kitchen, dining and lounge room. I don’t have any new messages and so I put my phone into my pocket. When I look up I notice that Mikasa is sat on the carpet in front of the lounge; books are set on the coffee table and I deduce that she must be studying or doing homework.

“Morning.” Simple greeting is easy enough. She lifts her head and greets me as well.

“Morning, Eren. Did you sleep well? You don’t look too energetic.” I guess I’m not the best at hiding my fatigue.

“Yeah, I slept fine, a bit late but it’s no problem.” I don’t want her to worry over me unnecessarily, she has more important things to do. “Where’s Aysen?” There’s something that’s unusual, she usually has him with her.

“Dad took him out. ‘Father-son time’ he said. They don’t get to spend time with each other; dad’s always working, so I’m glad that he gets to do this.”

“Yeah, that should be really nice for him.” I’ve managed to slowly make my way over to where she was seated as we spoke and I decide to sit on the couch with my knees resting against the side of her shoulder.

“So are you ready for today? You said Hanji had someone for you to meet right?” I had told Mikasa about it last Saturday when we were lazing around and she asked how my session had gone.

“Ah, yeah, I guess.” Of course, I don’t sound sure of myself, but I can’t help that.

“Did you want me to go with you? I’m sure Hanji wouldn’t mind, they’re really nice so one extra person for comfort wouldn’t bother them.” I actually would like Mikasa to come with me, some support from someone that I actually know on a more personal level would help with my shyness and reluctance to actually meet someone new, but Hanji said they’d help with that.

“No, it’s fine. Hanji said that they’d help in any way that they can. They said that the other person is awkward so they’d have to help with his communication anyway. I’m sure it’ll be fine. Thank you anyway, Mikasa.” She nods her head and turns back to her books. Looking over the words before writing something in. “Do you think you could drive me there though? It’s actually a further walk than I thought and you know I can’t drive.”

“Yeah, that’s fine. Let me know when you need to go and I’ll take you. I’m ready so it’s ok.”

“Thanks, Mikasa.” I never learnt how to drive, with having no one to actually teach me, it was kinda difficult – impossible – for me to learn. I wouldn’t dare take dad’s car, too scared at what he’d do to me if he ever found out. He was also only ever home at night anyway, doing whatever he did during the day and coming back piss drunk and ready to drink more and find me.

I hope I can learn to drive one day though; I don’t want to have to rely on other people to take me places and disturb their day just for my needs. I’ll learn to drive one day, definitely. For now though, all I can do is just wait until it’s time to leave so that Mikasa can take me to Hanji’s. We’ll leave at about 12:30pm, that’ll be plenty of time, it take about 20-30minutes to get to their place anyway.

We just sit for the time being as the time goes on, Mikasa doing her work while I just sit here and contemplate life; or more specifically, what’s going to happen in about an hour or so. At about 12:20pm, Mikasa gets up and goes to the bathroom and when she comes back out she addresses me.

“We should get going now, Eren, don’t want to be late.” I nod and get up from the couch and follow her out to the car. This is going to be one hell of an experience, meeting someone new through a psychiatrist.

             

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Another chapter is up – finally – and we’re finally moving on to the actual storyline! I should be able to write more now since my writer’s block was all because I didn’t know what to write to fill up the spaces between when Eren and Levi finally meet for real. But now we’ve finally made it and I’ll be able to write everything I’ve been hoping to.  
> As usual, let me know what you think and if there’re any mistakes. Thank you for reading!  
> Also, if you want to, I have written a one-shot of a 'best-friends' au with Eren and Levi. Please check it out and let me know what you think of it!


	16. Learning To Meet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren finally meets the person that Hanji wants to introduce to him.

            Being anxious is normal for me, but that doesn’t mean I entirely accept it with open arms. Mikasa and I are on our way to Hanji’s house for me to meet one of her friends and clients. With Mikasa next to me, driving since I never learned, it does help to quell my discomfort, but barely helps to reign in my anxiety.

            “Jean is going to come over later and we’re just going to hang around the house, ok?” I hum in acknowledgment to show that I heard her and she continues. “If you need anything, please call me. Jean and I will come over straight away if you’re in trouble or anything. Please try your best not to hesitate when calling, alright?” This is what I love about Mikasa, she offers her help and understands that I prefer to do things on my own and find it difficult to call on someone’s help, even if that person happens to be the closest person I’m with.

            “Yes, Mikasa. I’ll try, but I’m sure nothing will go wrong. Hanji said that their friend finds it relatively difficult to socialize, so I’ll be able to relate to him a bit, but conversation probably won’t flow as well between us. Luckily Hanji will be there, they said that they’d help us to speak since they know it’ll be jumbled somewhat.” Mikasa nods, keeping her eyes on the road.

            “Ok, that’s good then, but still, just in the matter that something does go wrong, know that I’m free. I still don’t feel safe with you meeting this person, they could be a murderer for all we know and Hanji thinks that he’s recovered but he really hasn’t.”

            “Mika, I’m sure that Hanji wouldn’t do that. We can sue them if they do anyway.” Mikasa glances at me before focusing back on the road and speaking.

            “You’d have to be alive to be able to sue them, Eren. Anyway, if he is horrible, I’m sure Hanji wouldn’t force you to meet him again. They’re kind and thoughtful, that gives me a bit of confidence in this whole meet. You’ll have to text me when to pick you up as well of course.”

            “Yes, I will. Don’t worry, Mikasa, if everything is going worse than I’d hoped, then I’ll call or text you.” What Mikasa doesn’t know though, is that on the inside I’m actually freaking out. It’s not too bad though thankfully, but it’s still a horrible feeling.

            What if Hanji’s friend doesn’t like me and won’t budge on their opinion of me? What if he is a bigger asshole than expected? What if he hates what I’m wearing and thinks I’m a slob? I tug on the sleeves of my jacket that I had grabbed on my way out of the house and pull the ends over my hands. What if Hanji told him everything about me, even my self-destructive habits, and thinks I’m disgusting?

            “Hey, Eren,” Mikasa waits for me to look at her where she was looking out the corner of her eye and switching from me to the road and back before she continues. “It’ll be fine; Hanji won’t make you do anything you don’t want to, so just tell them it’s enough when you’ve reached your limit ok? Then you can call me and I’ll pick you up. Sound alright?” I nod in agreement. She must’ve seen my nervousness and wanted to console me, it helps a touch; knowing that she cares for me enough to let me know. “We’re almost there now.”

            Looking up and around our surroundings, I notice that we’re only a street or two away and my heartbeat speeds up instantly, my breathing becoming quicker. I fidget in my seat; my hands tugging at my sleeves and each other and my legs rubbing against one another. When we pull up to Hanji’s house a few streets later, parking behind a black car, Mikasa turns to me after cutting the engine.

            “Do you want me to walk you to the front door?” She asks in a calm, quiet voice, trying to soothe my nerves and encourage me to actually work up the nerve to get out of the car. I’m thankful for that, but I don’t want her to baby me, like she too often does.

            “That’s fine, Mikasa, I can do some things by myself you know. Plus, don’t wanna keep horseface waiting now, do we?” I huff a laugh and Mikasa lets out a few giggles, reining them in to give me a scorning look, trying to let me know that no, I can’t call her boyfriend that.

            “Just get out the car, Eren.” I laugh a bit and that’s enough to distract me into blindly following her order. Unbuckling my seatbelt, I open the door and tell Mikasa goodbye before closing it then walking up to the front door. It’s only once I’ve knocked once and go for another that I realise I’m about to meet Hanji’s friend and this makes my second knock a lot less forceful and more of a tap.

            It’s only a second or two later that the door is opening to the sight of Hanji, this time wearing more casual clothes than they’d usually wear for appointments. Wearing a light pair of jeans and a dark blue shirt underneath an open red flannel shirt.

            “Ah, Eren you’re here! Oh is that Mikasa? Bye, Mikasa!” Hanji waves goodbye to Mikasa, who’d waited for Hanji to greet me before driving off now. “Ok, let’s get you inside now shall we, out of the cold now. We’re sitting in my lounge room instead of the office today, Eren; I hope you don’t mind that. It just makes a more comfortable setting since it’s not under the pretence of a session.” They have their hand on the small of my back as they guide me through their house, down a short hallway before leading to the kitchen on my right, with a half-wall bench to speak to people, then continuing on to an open plan dining and lounge room.

            The dining table was on the left with a grey, leather, 3-seater couch behind it facing the wall on the far side that had a fair sized flat screen TV with a brick fireplace underneath it. There was another grey, leather, 2-seater couch on the left side so that the couches formed an ‘L’ shape with a small side table between them to make the corner. Between the couches and the TV was a dark, wooden coffee table with a warm coloured Persian rug beneath it.

            Sitting on the couch facing towards the TV, was Hanji’s friend that they were directing me towards. Their body was short so you could only see their head over the top of the back of the couch. They had black coloured hair that looked to be styled in – an undercut? I’m sure I’ve met or at least seen this person before. That’s right, they were leaving Hanji’s house the first time Mikasa and I had come here.

            “Here we go, Eren, meet my long-time friend, Levi. Levi, this is Eren.” The man turns his head around and – shit. This is not good. He’s the one that I made out with, and punched in the face. This is not going to end well, at all.

            I freeze in Hanji’s loose grip on my back, my legs basically frozen in place, unwilling to move a single centimetre. My heart beat feels as though it’s more than doubled its speed along with my breathing to accompany it. I can tell that my eyes have gone wide, more than likely making me look like I’ve seen a ghost along with the way it feels like the blood has drained from my face and my mouth open a bit.

            He – Levi, as I now know – doesn’t look fazed at all, his face remaining blank without a smidgen of emotion. That is not fair; he must recognise me at least a bit. Hanji, definitely noticing my actions, looks at me and a look of worry takes over their features.

            “Eren, what’s wrong? Did something happen?” I don’t know if I can form the words, much less get the courage to even tell them why I’ve gone like this. He mustn’t have told them what happened between us if Hanji doesn’t know, unless they do and they’re pulling my leg, trying to get back at me for injuring their friend.

            “Hanji, can we talk for a minute?” He speaks up, in all his deep voiced glory, and rises from the couch to walk around towards, and past Hanji and me. Hanji must understand his indirect meaning to follow and lets me know that they won’t be long and to make myself comfortable before following after their friend.

            This can’t be good. He’s going to tell her everything that happened between us and Hanji’s going to kick me out, never to let me near them again or attend another session. I can’t bring myself to sit on the couch I’m too nervous. My legs are shaking and my hands are now fidgeting with each other. This is going to be so, so bad.

            I can’t hear what they’re saying, unfortunately or fortunately, I don’t know. I need to think of something to say when they come back, something to make up for what I did, to save my hide and not make Hanji hate me like their friend  - Levi, I need to remember – does.

            I walk around to stand in front of the couch just to make up for something; Hanji did say to make myself comfortable, if they come back in to see I didn’t even move from the one spot they’ll think I’m a freak for sure; both of them. Not being able to help myself, I pace around the coffee table, following the outer pattern of the rug that is able to be seen since it is not covered by the table.

            It’s not long before they walk back in, a slightly tense air surrounding them. Levi was following behind Hanji this time and had a sour look on his face, whilst Hanji has a seemingly forced smile on their face.

            “So, Eren, did you want something to eat or drink?” What? They’re not going to yell at me or accuse me for hurting and running out on their friend? Did he not tell them?

            “Uh, can I have a tea please?” I might as well take Hanji up on their offer since it is still fairly cold in here, maybe we can put the fire on later. I shiver a bit at the thought of a nice warm fire as it makes having to bear with the cold even harder. Hanji asks me to come over with them to the kitchen and I do so, glancing at Levi as I pass him and quickly averting my eyes when I see that he’s already staring, no, glaring at me.

            “Levi, I take that you’d like one too?” Instead of replying, Levi just follows behind me into the kitchen as well. It’s large enough to comfortably fit all three of us without getting anywhere near in the way of each other. I never noticed just how grand this house really is, it has so much space for everything. “Ok then, I’m just going to take that as a yes since you never say no to tea anyway. Eren, how do you like your tea, my dear?”

            “Um, one sugar with milk please.”

            “Always so polite. Levi, you should take notes and learn from him, yeah?” Hanji laughs to them self and leans against the bench as they wait for the kettle to boil, already having set up the cups with the correct amount of sugar in each and a tea-bag along with it; the milk was set out to the side.

            I stand there awkwardly and stare at the ground, not wanting to meet either person’s eyes in fear of messing something up. I don’t know what Levi said to Hanji, but with how things have gone so far, I’d say that he didn’t tell them that we’ve met. I don’t know what to do about this though. Does he not want Hanji to ever know that we’ve met prior to this? What do I do? Will Hanji make us actually talk, and possibly talk without them in the room with us?

            This is beginning to become too much for me to handle. I can feel my face probably has a pained look on it; my brows are furrowed and my eyes are wide, like someone has just stabbed me or something. My breathing is becoming shallow and I’m still too out of it to realise that I’m about to go into one of my moods; shutting myself off from everyone and becoming overall stand-offish. People don’t understand me when I’m in this mood, they think I’m being rude and don’t want to interact with them at all, but that’s not entirely true, I can’t help how I act in this mood.

            “Eren.” The deep voice that calls out to me is a surprise and went I shoot my head up to look at where the voice came from, I end up looking to my right at Levi who looks like they’re still glaring at me. Why would he be calling out to me? I look to Hanji and notice that they’ve finished our tea’s and is holding mine out to me.

            “Ah, sorry; I must’ve been spacing out. What did you say?” I step forward to take my tea and step back once again and cradle it in my hands against my chest.

            “I asked if you’d like to go back into the lounge room and turn the fire on, you look a bit cold there.”

            “Yeah, that’s a great idea.” They nod and lead us back into the previous room, setting their cup down on the coffee table before moving to the fire pit and chucking in some old newspaper, along with some logs, and lighting them up. Levi sits back down on the couch in the same spot he was in before: the inner corner of the longer couch, closest to the shorter couch. I don’t know where to sit though, if I sit next to him, that could be weird and really unwanted on his part, and Hanji might think that there’s more between us than they first thought. Yet if I sit further from him on the same couch, with a whole cushion between us, or even sit on the other couch at the end, that could be interpreted as extremely strange and Hanji could still think something is up. Why is sitting so difficult?

            Hanji makes things better when they motion for me to sit on the other inner corner on the short couch and then takes a seat next to Levi on the cushion beside his, having picked up their tea and now blowing on it to cool it down before taking a tentative sip. Who’s going to start talking? Am I going to be left to make small talk? I don’t know how to do that! I’m horrible at socialising, even with close friends. I just don’t know what to say.

            “Levi, would you like to tell Eren about yourself, or would you prefer me to tell him about you?” Levi had his gaze in front of himself, looking as though he was just staring at the coffee table, as he held his cup and listened to Hanji. He holds his cup differently to normal, holding it at the rim instead of the handle. It’s probably just more comfortable for him that way.

            “I’ll tell him about myself, Shit Glasses.” He gave them a menacing look out the corner of his eye, turning his head only slightly to make it more comfortable, before turning his glare on me. If looks could kill, I would be like the witch from The Wizard of Oz, when she got water poured on her. Even now, I was shrivelling under that look. “My name is Levi, as you know, I have two jobs, although one is part-time for when I’m specifically called in and the other is permanent. I’m 5 foot 2 and don’t get on my bad side, otherwise you _will_ regret it.” He has _two_ jobs? What is his other job then, apart from his one at the club? And which one is the part-time one?

            I more than likely have a confused look on my face, which would explain why Hanji does now as well when they look at me after giving Levi a ‘really?’ look. “Levi is a fairly private person, Eren. I’m sorry, but-”

            “Oh shut it, Hanji. Can you let him and me talk a bit? Alone.” He gives a pointed look to Hanji and I’m so scared now. What does that look mean? Is he going to kill me? What if he thinks this was my plan to meet up and just got scared to actually talk once we saw each other?

            “Uh, are you sure, Levi?” At his glare, Hanji looks to me to make sure I was alright with this. I don’t really have a choice though; if I say no, then I’m willing to bet that Levi will kill me. So I nod at them and they pick up their things and leave the room. I hear the sound of stomps going up stairs and so I guess that they’re just going to do whatever up there to give us more space.

            “Ok. Now, _Eren_ , did you know that Hanji was doing this? Because I swear, if I find out that you had a part in this, you’re going to wish you never even thought of such a thing ever again.” His voice was stone cold, meant to scare me and bring me close to pissing myself. This isn’t fair, I can already feel myself shaking, not being able to stop myself. I set my cup on the side table between us before I accidentally spill any on myself or the couch.

            “I-I didn’t plan this at all. I didn’t know that Hanji was going to make me _meet_ up with you. I’m sorry.” I look at my hands as I say the last sentence. My hands fidgeting with each other, my body unable to stay still. Levi sighs before speaking in a resigned voice.

            “It’s fine. Don’t worry about it. I just don’t know why you’d want to see me again. And how you even knew I was friends with them.”

            “Well I did see you leave the first time I came here with my sister. You were about to get in your car as we were walking up to the front door.”

            “Huh, so you’re following me now are you, Brat?” Oh god, he can’t really think that, does he? What does he think of me? Does he think I’m some creepy stalker that follows him everywhere and stalks him online and thinks non-stop about him or something? “Hey, kid, don’t shit yourself over it, it was a joke. Unless you really are following me, then that’s just downright wrong.” I quickly shot my head up to meet his eyes with a shocked look on my face. He had a grimace on his face at the thought of me actually stalking him.

            “No! No I’m not following you at all. It was simply coincidental. Why would I want to see you again anyway.” I said the last part under my breath but he still heard it anyway.

            “Well that’s nice of you. Hanji is going to give us as much time as we want to talk, and they’re expecting us to actually do so. I promised them I would, and you probably agreed to it as well, but in all honesty, I’m really bad with talking to people. It’s not my best skill, at all, as I’m sure you can somewhat tell.”

            “I’m not good either, but I do have some questions to ask you, if you’re fine with it that is.” He hesitates before nodding as he replies.

            “It depends on the question, but go for it, Kid.” Why does he feel the need to call me kid?

            “What is your other job? I obviously know you work at the club, but what’s the other one? And also which one is your part-time one?” He nods and then replies with a straight face.

            “My other job, which is the part-time one, is as a teacher. I simply have a degree that says I can work as one and so I get called in only if it’s urgent. Erwin, you’re principal I take, is the one I ‘work under’ if you must call it that.”

            “Is there anything going on between you two? I thought he was straight.”

            “The guy isn’t as straight as you’d think, but there’s definitely nothing going on between us. We just go way back. I can’t see him as anything other than a friend, possibly even close to a brother. Same with Hanji, if you were wondering, I see them as family as well.” That would explain it.

            “Uh, what… made you want to work at the club?” I couldn’t think of anything else to ask and I’m not sure if he would appreciate being asked that, but I couldn’t back out as I was asking.

            “Well, I like to dance. I feel good when I’m on the stage. Like I can just be myself and not give a shit. It’s a nice feeling.” His expression has gone a bit softer to what it normally is, a peaceful tone seeping into his voice.

            “You should do something more with dancing then. Get a dance studio and teach perhaps?” I don’t know why I’m suggesting this. I barely know the guy.

            “For one, I don’t have that type of money, kid. For two, why would I want to spend time with shitty, sweaty brats? That doesn’t really seem like something to enjoy.” His face takes on a look of disgust at the thought of working with sweaty people and I can empathize with him on that one.

            “I see then. Um…” I don’t know what to do now, I asked what I was curious about and confident enough to ask, but I don’t know what to do now that I’ve asked him. Will he question me, or does he not care?

            “So, how’d you come across Hanji?”

          “Well, my friend was the one to find them; I’m not sure how she came across them though.” He seems to think for a bit before asking me another question.

            “I’m not going to ask why you see them of course, since that’s just wrong, but is the friend that suggested you to them Mikasa?”

            “Yeah, it was. She also came with me on the first session, for support and also for herself.” He nods at this information and speaks again.

            “I don’t want Hanji knowing that we’ve met before, ok? They can’t know otherwise they’ll ask too many questions and freak out. They like to get into my personal life, and if they find out about what’s happened, they won’t leave you or me alone. Ever. Don’t tell Mikasa that you met me today either.”

            “Ok. I wasn’t exactly planning on doing so anyway. I don’t exactly want anyone knowing about that anytime soon. Underage, remember?” It wasn’t really phrased as a question, more so a statement, but I still questioned just in case he did actually forget.

            “Yeah, I remember, you little shit. Just forget about that night; we were both piss drunk anyway.”

            “What night?” I give him a cheeky grin and he smirks back, understanding my point. We both hear footsteps coming back down the stairs and he puts a finger to his lips in show of keeping quiet about what was said and I give a minute nod, only for him to see.

            “Ok then, boys, I’m getting a bit hungry now, you’ve been talking for a while and i haven’t heard any screams or yelling. I take it that you’re getting along just fine?” Hanji walks into the room as they talk and gives us both a smile when we turn our heads to them, Levi needing to turn his body so he can actually meet their gaze more comfortably.

            “Why would you think we wouldn’t get along? Do you hold that much faith in us?” His voice is level and I take that his face is impassive as usual since I’ve never seen and emotion in it apart from two times: when I punched him and when we were _getting it on_. Yet Hanji seems to know him well enough to take that he’s joking, since I’m sure he is, and just laughs, walking into the kitchen on their right.

            “Well, since you two are so close now, would you like to eat lunch altogether?” Levi and I exchange looks and I shrug my shoulders, not saying no to the idea.   

            “Yeah, sure. What’ve you got?” Levi calls out, still holding eye contact with me then nodding his head in the direction of the kitchen, motioning for me to follow him to the kitchen.

            “Well, I’ve got fresh bread, ham, cheese, salami, uhh, avocado, umm, why don’t you guys just take a look?” Hanji steps back from where they had their head in the fridge and Levi and I make our way over. I stay back as Levi moves in to inspect what is up for choice when he ‘tsks’.

            “You have barely anything here, Hanji. Why don’t we just order pizza or something?” That sounds like a great idea, but I really should be heading home. I’m starting to get twitchy, but not overly twitchy where it’s noticeable, just my fingers are getting fidgety. This happens when I’m beginning to get in one of my moods of being stand-offish. I don’t want to have to put them through that, I should just leave.

            “Uh, I should just go, I can have lunch when I get home. It’s starting to get late anyway isn’t it?” I look to both of them for confirmation and see Levi look at the watch on his wrist before slowly looking back up at me with one of his eyebrows raised.

            “Kid, it’s only 2:30; you’ve got plenty of time to do whatever.” But he doesn’t understand that I need to go.

            “No, I just… I just realised that I actually have some homework to do.” Yeah, because having to think before I say I realised something is totally a fool-proof plan. They don’t question me on it though and Hanji just nods.

            “That’s fine, Eren. Do you want me to take you home?”

            “Ah that’s fine. Mikasa said that she’ll pick me up, I’ll just message her now.” I take out my phone and send a text to Mikasa saying that I’m ready to be picked up and then put it away.

            “Well, I still have a fair craving for pizza. Hanji, do you want me to call them?”

            “Yeah, go ahead. I want Hawaiian with stuffed crust please.” He nods and goes back into the lounge room, taking out his phone on the way.

            “Mikasa shouldn’t be too long, thank you for today, Hanji.” I give them a smile and they return it with a small one, out of place from their usual face splitting grin that they normally wear.

            “That’s fine, sweetheart. If you want to meet up with Levi again, I can give you his number, or we can all get together again sometime? It’s fine if you don’t though. Don’t force yourself.” I’m not sure if it would be right to want to see Levi again. Would he even want to? He seems nice enough once you get past the whole ‘I accidentally punched you and now you have a grudge against me’ exterior. He obviously cares about his dancing and job at the club. I’m sure it would be nice to get to know him more and possibly be one of those friends that he holds close.

            “Yeah, we should do this again sometime. I should probably ask him for his number though, or you give him mine. I don’t think it’d be right for you to give me his without his permission.”

            “That’s alright, but if you’d prefer that, then I can give yours to him. I’m sure he wouldn’t mind.” They smile again and we head into the lounge room, where Levi was confirming his order and hanging up his mobile.

            “I got your Hawaiian and a meat lovers; you can’t change your mind now.” Hanji simply laughs and says that it’s fine and we stand around for a bit before we hear a knock at the front door. Mikasa didn’t take as long as usual, was she already out and nearby at the time?

            “Well, Eren, that must be Mikasa, come on then.” Hanji makes their way to the front door, leaving me to follow at my own will. I need to say bye to Levi first though.

            “Thanks for not killing me, Levi.” He smirks before answering.

            “Next time you might not be so lucky.” So there’s going to be a next time? “Here, give me your phone so I can put my number in, I’m sure Hanji would want us to remain in contact after going through the effort to meet up.” I nod and pass him my phone, him quickly putting in his contact and putting my own in his then returning my phone to me. “Don’t text me like crazy, and don’t expect me to always talk to you.”

            “I’m not big on texting, so you’re safe. I’ll see you soon then I guess?”

            “Yeah, probably. See you, Eren.” I nod in goodbye and make my way to the door, where Mikasa is waiting for me along with Hanji.

            “Everything good, Eren?” I nod and say my thanks once again before Mikasa and I make our way back to the car. Jean was in the passenger seat so I’m left to sit in the back. Damn horseface. Mikasa gets in behind the wheel, starts the car and then sets off back to her place.

            “Oh, Eren, I forgot to tell you that I got the job at the café in the library. They emailed me this morning saying that I got the job and was expected to go in on Monday after school.” She grins at me in the rear view mirror and I smile back in encouragement.

            “That’s great, Mikasa. Looks like your girlfriend got a job now, Jean. You need to pick up your game so you don’t fall behind.” I smirk at him and he snarls back.

            “I don’t need to defend myself and pick up my game just because Mikasa gets a job. She can support herself now and she’s doing well. I don’t need to up myself just to keep up my ‘manly image’ or whatever shit you want me to live up to.” He’s actually not got as bad an ego as I thought.

            “Well done, Jean. You’re not as pig-headed as you seem. Kudos to you.” He huffs a breath and leaves it at that, Mikasa huffing small laughs under her breath, her chest rising with each laugh.

            This is a great pick up for Mikasa, and I can’t say how proud I am for her, because words just seem to elude me at the worst of times, but she understands me well enough to know what I feel and I treasure her even more for that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter is up and we finally get a proper meeting (somewhat) between Eren and Levi! Let me know what you think and if there’s any mistakes.


	17. Learning To Know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time skip! The boys go on a little day out, from Hanji’s ‘persuasion’ of course.

            Relaxing is, as per its name, relaxing; somewhat, not really. It’s difficult to relax when your mind can’t shut up, ever. You might not even be thinking about anything in specific, your mind just has an endless chatter of absolute nonsense and you can’t do anything to stop it, no matter how hard you try.

            This of course doesn’t come in handy when you’re trying to sleep, or trying to fix your sleep schedule at least. It doesn’t work out too well in the end, but it’s worth a try I guess. I honestly don’t even know how I’m always tired. I’m sure I sleep early and get plenty of rest, but I’m just always sluggish during the day.

            I had told Mikasa about this and so she told me that she’d help in getting my sleeping back on track, which is why I’m lying in bed, at 9 o’clock at night, trying to sleep. Early sleeping, yay. She had come into my room about 10 minutes ago to tell me that I should try and sleep now so of course now I’m trying.

            With not much else to do though it shouldn’t be hard. The only thing that I can do is just play snake on my phone or read a book. So, trying to sleep is going to be the main focus now.

            It’s been about a week and a half since meeting up with Levi once more and so far I haven’t heard anything from him. Hanji and I have kept up on our sessions of course, Mikasa as well, and that is progressing nicely I guess? They say it is so I’ll take them on their word and not fight it, even though I can’t see any difference.

            Hearing a buzz of a vibration come from my bedside table, I look over to it and remember that the only thing to make that noise would be my phone. I pick it up and turn it on to see a message from Levi. This is new; I didn’t think he’d actually text me. I read the message and am surprised and dubious about what he says.

           

            **Levi Ackerman – 9:24pm, Wednesday, 23/10**

**Hey, Kid. Hanji has bugged me to meet up with you again, so here I am. They said we can all get together if you’d prefer, but if you’re free this weekend to do something, let me know and we can organise something.**

 

            So Hanji has asked him – bugged as he stated – to message me asking if I want to meet up. He obviously doesn’t want to if he’s being forced to do so. But it’d be rude to say no and I don’t have anything on this weekend. I’ll just have to say what’s on my mind.

           

            **You – 9:29pm, Wednesday, 23/10**

**Hi, Levi. It’s ok if you don’t want to meet up; I’m not bothered if you don’t. I don’t want you to have to go out of your way just to please Hanji.**

I get a reply almost instantly and I quickly read over it.

 

            **Levi Ackerman – 9:31pm, Wednesday, 23/10**

**Kid, it’s ok. Hanji isn’t completely forcing me, just asking that I do. So are you free to do something or not? You don’t have to if you don’t want to either, don’t force yourself.**

What if he’s just saying that to please me, he can probably tell that I’m worried, I’ll just do it, I don’t want to be rude to him.

 

            **You – 9:34pm, Wednesday, 23/10**

**I am free. I don’t mind what we do either, or if Hanji is there. Any time is fine as well.**

That should be ok, right? I don’t seem put off, hopefully.

 

            **Levi Ackerman – 9:35pm, Wednesday, 23/10**

**I’d prefer it if Shit Glasses wasn’t there to jot down our every interaction in their notebook. So what would you prefer: going out for lunch or something, coming to my place and just sitting around, maybe watch a movie if you’d like, or maybe something you’d like?**

They seem more like dates than just hanging out; doesn’t he care if people see him with me? I don’t know if I’d feel completely comfortable in his home, whatever we do. I think the safest option would be to go out for lunch. But what if people see us together, especially someone I know? They’d tell everyone that they saw me with some guy and then I’d be picked on and made fun of.

            What am I supposed to choose? What if I do choose to go out but he’d prefer to just stay at his own place for the day instead? I can’t think of anything else we could do either; I can’t bring him to Mikasa’s, that would definitely be overstepping some lines. What if I did choose to go to his place but then regrets it because he finds out just how much of a grub I am and kicks me out then never wants to see me again, forever holding a grudge against me.

            This is too much to handle, let’s just see the pros of going out or going to his place. Pros of going out: won’t be alone with him in complete silence. Pros of staying at his place: won’t be in public for other people to see. Which one is better? Ok, I’ll just choose to go out, that’ll be best, right? Ok I’ll just do it before I change my mind.

 

            **You – 9:41pm, Wednesday, 23/10**

**Let’s go out for lunch?**

Ok, it’s sent; no backing out now. What am I doing with my life?

           

            **Levi Ackerman – 9:42pm, Wednesday, 23/10**

**Ok, but sorry, Kid, I’m choosing this one. I know a café that serves good food and is clean, so we’ll go there alright? I can pick you up if you need, but make sure Mikasa doesn’t know. I don’t think that it would be right for her to know about this just yet.**

I wonder why he doesn’t want Mikasa knowing. He didn’t want her to know about last time either. Maybe I can ask him about it when we meet up.

 

            **You – 9:44pm, Wednesday, 23/10**

**That should be fine, what day and time?**

**Levi Ackerman – 9:45pm, Wednesday, 23/10**

**How about Saturday at 12:00pm? Sound alright to you?**

I reply that that sounds good along with Mikasa’s address and he replies that he’ll see me then and tells me to get some sleep. I guess I should try now at least then. Putting my phone back on the table, I turn over to face the wall on my right side and close my eyes, trying to sleep.

That didn’t happen until about 11pm; maybe later. At least it’s better than 3am.

 

By the time Saturday comes around, I’m no better off sleep-wise. Still sleep deprived and not at all willing to do anything at all. But I did tell Levi that I’d go out with him, so I can’t back out now or that’d just be rude. I don’t want to purposely hurt his feelings when we’ve basically started over on a better foot.

It’s around 10:30am by the time I decide to actually get up and do at least something. That just happens to be simply getting out of bed and moving to the lounge room where Mikasa is watching a kid’s show with Aysen. I walk in, in all my glory of trackies, long-sleeved old shirt and my messed up bed head.

Mikasa doesn’t look over as I walk in, but she does turn her head slightly when she hears my entrance. Aysen, however, does look over. He was leaning against Mikasa’s body, lying straight in the middle with his legs overlapping her thighs. His mouth is hung open and drooling over a small bib that he’s decided to hold and he more leans his body over to see me than just turning his head.

His face is tired and his eyes slightly dull; obviously he’s comfortable and content just where he is, especially since he doesn’t start waving his arms and legs about as he usually does when he sees me. He’s probably so quiet because the heater is on and keeping the room and surrounding rooms at a comfortable temperature, and it’s obviously affected him into soothing his normally energetic state.

“Morning, Eren. Did you sleep well?” I don’t know why she even bothers asking me this; she knows I have trouble sleeping.

“Not any better than usual. He’s pretty quiet today; did he sleep last night?” Maybe he’s actually just really tired and that’s why he’s so quiet. I move from where I had stopped at the opening of the lounge and sit next to Mikasa, folding my leg underneath my body as I sit.

“Yeah, he slept fine. Just a lazy day today I suppose. Even I’m relaxed.” That’s a surprise; Mikasa is normally stressed over one thing or another, whether it’s schoolwork or just life in general.

“That’s good.” How am I going to tell her that I’m going out later, without saying who? Mikasa is protective of me, being one of my two closest friends and all, it is understood, but sometimes she can go a bit overboard when she deems it necessary. Hopefully now isn’t one of those times.

But what if she does find out, and goes spastic over it? What if she doesn’t actually like Levi after all these years? But, I have to tell her eventually… don’t I? She’ll definitely find out about me going out though, and knowing her, she’ll somehow find out who it is. I have to tell her now though, otherwise it’ll just bubble up inside me and destroy me from the inside out. Ok, I’ll tell her, before I change my mind.

“Mikasa, I… I’m going out later. For lunch.” Ok, first part done. I’ll let her think about that first.

“Ok. Are you going with someone? Or just having a day to yourself?” Should I tell her I’m going with someone? What if she wants to know exactly who? How am I going to evade that one? Oh god now my heart beat has picked up but I’m able to keep my breathing in check before it becomes too erratic.

“Um, yeah. I am. You know, the person that Hanji wanted me to meet. He’s asked to meet up again, since Hanji told him to and everything. So we’re going for lunch. He’s going to pick me up at 12.”

“Ok. Is he a nice guy? I don’t want you going just because Hanji wants you to and he’s actually a horrible person.” She has a concerned look on her face, which is completely ok since she doesn’t know who the person is.

“He’s nice. It’s ok. Hanji wouldn’t ask for us to meet up if he was truly a rude person. He was nice at Hanji’s, and we had time to speak alone. I’m sure that Hanji wouldn’t leave us alone if they thought something would go wrong.”

“Ok, but call me if something goes wrong, alright. I don’t want you having a horrid time just because it’s expected of you to go.”

“It’s alright, Mikasa. Of course I’ll call if something goes wrong, I don’t want to be in an awkward situation any more than you’d want me to.” That went better than expected. Mikasa was unusually chill about the whole idea. I’m glad she was, that’s a whole lot less stress for me to go through.

“Eren, you said you were being picked up at 12 right?” I nod in answer and she goes on. “Well it’s 11:15 now, I think you’d better go have a shower and get ready. I don’t think he’d be late; no one would want that type of first impression, even though you have already met, this is his first impression by himself.” She is saying the truth, so I’d better go get ready now.

Voicing my agreement, I stand and leave to my bedroom to get a change of clothes that are clean – as usual they’re jeans, t-shirt, a jacket and of course underwear – and go to the bathroom to take a shower. I go through the usual routine of washing body and hair and once I’ve finished I dry off, get dressed – putting on deodorant of course – and brush my teeth.

I walk out of the bathroom with my dirty clothes in one arm while my other hand was rubbing a towel over my hair to dry it. I walk over to my room and throw my clothes on the floor while I walk over to my bedside table to retrieve my phone. Sitting down on my bed, I check if I have any messages whilst still rubbing my hair.

I see that I have 1 message from Levi and check it.

 

**Levi Ackerman – 11:40am, Saturday, 26/10**

**I’ll text you when I’m out the front so you can come out. I’m not going up to the door for obvious reasons. See you in 20 minutes, Eren.**

Checking the time, I notice that I now only have 10 minutes until he gets here and start furiously rubbing at my hair for it to dry quicker. I throw the towel to the floor, pocket my phone and head back out to Mikasa.

“Do I look alright, Mika?” She looks up at me and nods while she replies.

“Yeah you look fine. Don’t worry about a thing. Armin’s coming over later by the way.” That doesn’t really help but it’s good enough I guess. I hadn’t heard anything about Armin coming over, but I guess it doesn’t entirely involve me since I’ll be going out anyway. I head back into the bathroom to check myself out in the mirror and hate what I see. My eyes are framed by dark circles; proof of my terrible sleep habits, my hair is a mess as usual and my skin looks pasty and sickly.

My body itself is just one terrible part after another. I look like a lanky tree with my thin, long limbs and thin body. Going up closer to the mirror, I see a bit of darker fluff of hair on my lip and realise that I’m going to need to start shaving soon. I feel a vibrate against my leg that pulls me out of my criticism of my body and check my phone to see that Levi has texted me saying he’s out the front.

Having a mild panic attack, I rush out of the bathroom and into my room to grab my wallet; I don’t have any money but it’s still good to have it on me. I hurry out of my room and to Mikasa to say goodbye and she says to calm down and breathe first. That’s a bit difficult when you don’t even know what you’re panicking about. I know it’s because I’m going to meet Levi, but I’ve already met him on more than one occasion, why would I panic now?

Either way, I stop and just breathe for a minute then head out the door, saying another goodbye to Mikasa and Aysen as I leave, her telling me to have a good time. I see Levi’s car out the front and head over to it, Levi leaning over to open it for me and I get it once I’ve made it over.

“Morning, Eren.”

“Morning, Levi.” Ok, now what do I say? Oh this is going to be a very awkward day.

“Did you have a nice week?” He asks as he pulls off the curb and back onto the road, making his way to wherever he was planning on us to eat at.

“My week was alright. Yours?”

“Uneventful. Nothing happened at the club for once, usually we have at least one rowdy customer, but this week was good for once. What did you do at school? What are you currently learning in class?”

“Um, I don’t really pay much attention. If any.” I rub at the back of my head in awkwardness and avert my eyes outside, watching the buildings pass as we drive by. Levi’s car is actually amazingly clean, not a single piece of rubbish anywhere to be seen.

“Do you know what you want to do when you’re out of school? You’re in your last year now aren’t you? You are 17, right?”

“Yeah, I’m 17 and in my last year, but I don’t know what I want to do. Haven’t thought about it honestly, I don’t really have a future anyway.”

“That’s not true at all, Eren.” He has a scornful tone to his voice, but he’s not harsh with the way he speaks. “You know that Hanji wanted us to get to know each other because we’ve had similar experiences right?” I look over at him and nod. He was looking at me from the corner of his eye so he saw and focused solely on the road again. “Well, I’m not going to tell you my whole sob story, and I don’t know what’s happened to you, but my childhood wasn’t the best. I know how it feels to starve and have to eat shit from the side of the road, but look where I am now. I don’t have a corporate job or anything luxurious, but I don’t need that. I’m content with where I am because at least it’s not what I had to endure growing up.”

“So you lived on the streets for a bit?” He nods, facing the road and elaborates further.

“Yeah, I was born to the streets, Kid. My mum, who is related to Mikasa, wasn’t as well off as anyone would hope. She was working as a hooker just to get any money she could, which barely fed the both of us. My dad was just another one of her clients, so I never met him.” He doesn’t look like he wants to go on, so I don’t push him.

“That’s pretty shitty. I’m sorry you had to live like that.”

“Not all of us have pretty lives, and if Hanji says that we’re similar, then I wouldn’t think that you had such a great life either. We’re almost at the café now, just another block down.” He’s slowed down and turns into a small parking lot for the buildings in the area and quickly finds a spot. Cutting the engine, he exits the car and I scramble to follow. In my haste, I accidentally slam the car door.

Levi gives me a weird look and I take on an apologetic one. “Sorry, that was an accident.”

“Well, try not to destroy my car, yeah? Come on, the café is just here.” He gestures for me to follow and I hurry over to catch up and walk next to him. He guides me to the café, opens the door for me and I mumble a rushed ‘thanks’ and scurry inside before him. He follows behind me and places his hand on the lower of my back to show me to a table.

His touch brings a dark chill over my body, reminding me of an evil touch in the past. My body stiffens out of natural reaction, unable to control myself. Levi must’ve noticed and his hand retreats back to his side, whispering an apology to me.

Man, I could hit myself for being so tight-assed; freezing up over a simple touch when I knew that it was just Levi and he wouldn’t do anything to purposely hurt me. For fucks sake we’ve even gone at it ourselves. What is wrong with me, I’ve completely ruined our lunch now with my stupid paranoia, what the fuck is wrong with me. He probably thinks I’m a prude now, or that I think that he would hurt me. Fucking hell, just great.

“Eren? Are you ok?” I notice that we’ve actually sat down now and have menus set in front of us. Looking up at Levi, I feel terrible for the worried and confused look on his face. I put that look on there, all because I couldn’t handle a small touch of guidance. Well done, Eren. You dumbass.

“Yeah, I’m fine. Sorry. I didn’t mean to freeze up before-”

“No, no, it’s fine, I’m sorry for touching you without your permission. I completely understand. Don’t think about it, Eren.” He puts on a calm face, probably to soothe me, and I return a small smile in compensation. Great, now Levi has to reassure me for such a manic reason. Well-fucking-done.

“So, uh, what’s good here?” Opening up the menu, I half ass scan my eyes over the foods available, taking in the sub-headings to show what that part specializes in. There’s sandwiches/wraps, soups, grill (bacon, meat or other pan fried foods) and drinks.

“Well, I myself really like their caesar wrap, they toast it and serve it with a small salad. I’d recommend that, or one of their other wraps or sandwiches. But honestly, all their food is great, I know the chef personally, so I know first-hand just how great it is.” So he knows the chef, that must be why he brought us here.

“I’ll probably just go for one of the wraps then if you say they’re good.” I look through the wraps and find the cheapest one they have, which is around $6:50. It looks pretty good; chicken with boiled egg and a variety of salad ingredients and mayonnaise. Is that too expensive though? The one that Levi says is good costs $7:50, so it should be ok, right?

“Kid, don’t choose something just because I say to, choose whatever you want, and don’t you dare choose the cheapest thing on the menu, I said I’ll pay, so don’t sit there thinking I’ll shove a stick up your ass if you choose something expensive.” Well that was certainly… persuading. I like the sound of what I’ve chosen though, so I’ll stick with it.

“It’s ok, Levi. The chicken with egg wrap looks good though.” I point at it on my menu and Levi looks for it on his own menu.

“Eren-”

“I know it’s the cheapest one, but it really does sound good. I’ll have that one and that’s final.” He looks shocked for a second before he scores his face back to its usual blank. Settling with my choice, he asks if I’d like a drink with it and I reply that I’ll have lemon water and he nods, setting down his own menu.

“So, Eren, anything that you’d like to know about me? You seemed to like questioning me at Hanji’s, so is there anything else you wanted to know?” Did I ask him too many questions last time? Oh god, I probably did, and now he’s mocking me for doing so and annoyed that I asked so much. Shit, nice going, Eren.

“Uh, sorry. I won’t um, bother you with any more questions. Sorry.”

“Hey, I was just joking. If you want to know something, depending on what it is, I’m fine with answering. Don’t worry about offending me, Eren. I’m not made of marshmallows. Ask away.”

“Why don’t you ask me something?”

“Ok then. What subjects are you taking in school?” Great, more school shit.

“I just chose random shit. I’m doing English of course, since that’s compulsory, and I’m doing math, history, art even though I’m absolute shit at it, and uh, I can’t remember the other one.” He nods and at that point a dirty-blond haired waiter comes up to the table.

“Hey, Levi and friend?” He has a confused look on his face as he looks to me and back at Levi with a pointed look, obviously asking, without words, ‘who is he?’

“This is Eren, Farlan. Eren, meet Farlan, Farlan, meet Eren. Farlan is one of the people I know that works here, the chef is the other person.”

“Hi.” I shyly raise my hand and wave it a bit in greeting and he smiles back at me.

            “Hi, Eren. It’s nice to meet you. But why are you here with Levi of all people? Levi, did you bribe him into going out with you?!” He looks worried and freaked out at the idea of such a thing happening and Levi scowls at him, quick to reprimand him.

“No you idiot. I’m here to have a civilised lunch with him and talk about things that have nothing to do with you. So if you’d kindly just take our order and leave, that would be much appreciated.” Farlan is quick to do as he’s asked, jotting down my order along with Levi’s – he got the caesar wrap and a tea to go with it – before heading back to the kitchen to give in our order. “Well, that went worse than I’d hoped. Farlan and Isabel – the chef – are both childhood friends. We’ve been through a lot together and I would most definitely do anything for them.”

            “So did you bring us here for the food or because you have connections? And is that also why you said I could have anything, because you get a discount or something for knowing them?”

            “No, Kid. I said you can get whatever you want because I mean it. I brought you here to have a nice time and not worry about such small details. I chose this place because I know that it’s clean and the food is clean and not messed with.”

            “Do you have a thing for cleanliness or something?”

            “I don’t think so, but everyone says that I do, so I guess so. It’s just hygiene though. Who wants to be touching something that some other person’s shitty hand has been touching. You don’t know where that hand’s been.” I see his point, but he seems genuinely revolted by the thought if the sneer on his face and in his tone is anything to go by.

            “Well, I’m clean, so I guess I’m good in your books at the moment?”

            “Kid, my level of clean, and your level of clean, are definitely vastly different.” Ok then, he definitely has a thing for cleanliness. Even though I’m not the most fussiest person – if at all – about hygiene, if he feels the need to tell me this, then there must be more to it than he lets on.

            “So, how do you know the waiter and chef, then? You said you’ve been through a lot together, do you mean school or more than that?”

            “Well, it’s not the happiest of stories, and I’d prefer not to say everything – I’m fine with telling you what I want though so don’t worry about it.” He cuts me off before I can protest to him feeling obliged to tell me. “I didn’t go to school my whole life. As I had said earlier, I lived on the streets for a while. I met Farlan and Isabel as I was growing up and we supported each other with whatever we could do to survive. They are, without a doubt, the closest people to me.” He’s really been opening his heart out to me today. I feel so bad for not telling him about myself.

            “You guys must be like practical family then.” He nods before replying.

            “Yeah, we are. Isabel has even taking to calling me ‘Big Bro’.” He chuckles and a Farlan comes up to our table with our meals.

          “Here’s your wrap, Eren, and here’s yours, Levi. Don’t worry; Isabel was the one to make it.” He pats Levi on the shoulder before telling us he’d be right back with our drinks, and not a minute later he delivers. I take a sip of my lemon water and admire the food set out before me. The wrap has been cut in half and has been toasted, as Levi said they were. There was a small bowl of salad on the side of the plate with a drizzling of some type of dressing sauce and it all looked delicious. Simple, yet divine.

            “Eat up, Eren. Don’t let it go cold.” He takes his knife and fork out of their napkin, placing the napkin on his lap, before digging in to his food. I follow his instruction and do the same. As I place the first piece into my mouth, I can’t help but let out a small moan at how great it tastes. I hadn’t eaten anything yet today, so my mouth salivates as soon as I start chewing. “Is it that good?” Levi chuckles after asking me and I get embarrassed at my obvious love for the food. I swallow before answering.

            “Yeah, it is. Sorry.” I nervously laugh and I can feel my cheeks heat up at being put on the spot in such a way.

            “No reason to be sorry, Eren. It’s good food, enjoy it.” We finish off our food with little talk in between; the only speech is about how good the food is. Once we’ve both finished, we place our cutlery together on the plate and I mourn the loss of the food, wanting more simply for the taste. “So, Eren, let’s do some simply questions to get to know each other, yeah?” I nod and he continues. “So, I’ll ask a question and you can answer if you want to – they’ll be impersonal questions though, but of course you still have your own choice – and I’ll answer the question as well. No lying of course, but I don’t know why you would need to lie anyway.” I nod once more and he nods back. “So, what’s your favourite colour?”

            “Uhm, it’d probably be…” Wow, how can such a simple question be so hard? Oh, the colour of mum’s favourite flower. “Purple. A certain type of purple, but I don’t know how to explain it. It’s a flower’s colour. You?”

            “Mine would have to be a sharp green or rich blue. Like the colours you’d see in the ocean’s clear waters. Ok, favourite… hobby?” Damn, I haven’t really thought about that. If anything, it’d probably be getting shit-faced at a pub and letting some stranger have their way with me. But that wouldn’t really be a favourite, just something that I turn to when life’s gone to shit.

            “I’m not entirely sure, but relaxing with Mikasa’s little brother is nice. He’s a sweet baby.” A warm smile takes over my features and Levi’s seem to soften as well.

            “Mine would be dancing, of course. Something you aspire to do?” No idea. I haven’t thought about my future at all, as I had said earlier.

            “I said before that I don’t know what I want to do.”

            “No, but something that you’d hope to achieve, it can be small or large. Doesn’t necessarily have to be what you want to do when you’ve finished school.” Ah; but I haven’t even thought of that one either.

          “I still have no idea. I haven’t given it any thought at all, and I wouldn’t know where to start.” He nods his head slowly with a frown marring his face. Did I upset him? Oh god, please don’t let me have upset him.

            “Why would you have upset me? It’s fine, Eren. Not many people know what they want to do in life. I know I definitely was stuck for a good chunk of mine, and I’m still not entirely sure either. Ok, so tell me about your family, of course if this is personal, you don’t have to say anything at all. Don’t push yourself just to ‘please’ me, I don’t mind if you don’t want to say.” I’m grateful that he doesn’t expect me to actually say anything, but I would like to tell him at least something. I don’t have to tell him what happened explicitly, just small details.

            “My mum and I were extremely close. She was born in Turkey and moved to Germany when she was a child. My dad was born in Germany. They both had moved over here and they met while they were both lost in New York, both being tourists. M-mum passed away though when I was 10 and m-my dad went to jail about 8 months ago or something now. So I’m living with Mikasa now.” I stuttered on a few words as my heartbeat had sped up from thinking about my mum and what my dad had done, but I’m most definitely getting better at talking about it.

            “I’m sorry for your loss. My mum also passed away. It’s a shitty feeling. Did you want to go for a walk or sit in the car? It’s getting a bit cold in here now, I can turn the air-con on and we can warm up there?” I nod in agreement and Levi tells me to wait there while he goes up to pay. I don’t stop him, since I don’t have any money anyway, but I swear to him silently that I’ll pay him back eventually. Once he’s paid he gestures to me to follow him and we both walk out the door and shuffle to the car park and into his car, him turning the heat up to quickly warm us up.

            “You said you work as a teacher if you’re called in; what subject do you teach if you are needed?” I rub my hands together and breathe on them, putting them in front of the air vents as I ask him this.

            “Well, I haven’t actually been called in yet, it’s more like an emergency type thing, but Erwin said that I’d either do English or math if I am called in. apparently I’m good enough to be a teacher for them.” He has a sarcastic tone as he says this and I chuckle a bit.

            “I’d do anything to swap my math teacher. That old hag had the most annoying voice and ego. She thinks that she’s above everyone else and can speak to you in whatever way they want. Fucking pisses me off.” My anger is starting to show again and I have at least half my conscience to rein it in, not wanting to go full-on rage in front of Levi.

            “Well, if anything ever happens to her out of the blue, you might just be lucky enough to have me as your teacher. Hah, look forward to that one, Kid, you’ll want her back by the end of the lesson.” I highly doubt that, but I don’t argue with him. Tonguing the food stuck between my teeth, I remember that Levi has his tongue pierced and I can’t help but wandering about the story of that one.

            “Hey, Levi.” I wait for him to look at me, knowing I have his attention, before I continue. “Why and when did you get your tongue pierced?” He looks taken aback for a moment before schooling his features. He must not have been expecting such a question, much less me noticing that he even had a piercing there since I haven’t explicitly seen it.

            “Well, I got it when I was around your age, and because I wanted to?” He must be confused as to why I actually asked why. Not many people would have a reason for getting a piercing apart from simply wanting it. Although some people might get a piercing whenever something certain happens, say heartbreak or something great; something to celebrate, or something to remember.

             

“How old are you anyway? You can’t be too much older than I am, right?” He’s obviously old enough to drink, so over 21, but how much older then?

            “I’m 23, Kid. I’ve got 7 years on you since I haven’t had my birthday yet. Unless you still need to have yours this year, in that case I only have 6. Does that information destroy your thought of me being an old man?” Old man? He thinks he looks old? What?!

            “I never thought you were old for one second. You look young, definitely your age. Why would I think you’re old?” Maybe he has insecurities and his looks are one of them. Maybe he doesn’t want to get old.

            “No reason. Just that people often think I’m older than I am. So when’s your birthday? Do I remain having 7 years on you?”

            “Yeah you do. My birthday was back in March, on the 30th. Yours?”

            “Eh, mine’s Christmas.” He looks so displeased by this. Wow.

            “I take that you don’t have the best experiences of being a Chrissy baby?” His face completely scrunches up, as if even the thought was revolting.

            “Well, if you think that being disturbed on Christmas, early in the morning mind you, by your friends just so that _they_ can celebrate your birthday, is fun, then by all means, be my guest and take my birthday. I never celebrated it as a kid, and I still don’t see the point.” Ok, yeah, having my sleep taken from me would be pretty horrible.

            “I fear for their lives, how are they not worried as to what you’ll do to them? You look as though you’d throw them out the door for doing such a thing.” The car’s interior has warmed up now so we were relaxing back against our seats and facing each other as we spoke. Hanji was wrong; Levi is fairly easy to talk to. But most of that would be because we had met prior to them ‘introducing’ us, and it had been on fairly ‘close’ terms.

            “I did the first time they did it, so they just left and came back later. I wasn’t pleased one single bit. What time do I need to get you home, Eren?” Oh, I didn’t think of that. I check the time to see that it’s almost quarter to 3. We’ve been out longer than I thought.

            “Well, I wasn’t given an exact time to be back, but I should probably be heading back soon.”

            “Alright, I’ll take you back now then.” Does he not want to be around me anymore? Did I annoy him? Did I ask too many questions or cost too much for the food? Oh god, now my heart is starting to beat fast. Ok, control it. Hold it back until you get home. Levi starts up the car, both of us buckling our seatbelts, and he reverses and pulls out onto the road once there’s no traffic. “Did you have a nice time, Eren?”

            “Yeah, I did. Thank you for buying me lunch. I’ll pay you back once I get the money.”

            “Don’t worry about that, Eren. I said I’d pay, so I don’t expect you to pay me back.” I hum in response and he continues driving, speaking up after a minute or so. “We can maybe do it at my place next time since it’s getting colder. That is if you’re fine with that. We can just hang around, watch a movie or play a game. I have a console with a few games on it so we could play that.” So he does still want to hang out with me? Wait, no he’s just doing this because Hanji asked him to. I don’t want to bother him though. But I can’t flat out refuse.

            “I don’t want to intrude on your personal space, though. You don’t have to invite me out and to your place just because Hanji asks you to. Or is this just pity? Because I had such a horrid life and you feel sorry for me?!” That’s it, he pities me. That’s why he bought me food and does as Hanji says even though he obviously doesn’t want to. He doesn’t want to be seen with a high school kid with problems. He has his own life to look after, let alone baby-sit a 17 year old.

            “Eren, I told you this before: I wouldn’t ask you if I didn’t want to. Hanji knows this, and they wouldn’t force me to do something. If I don’t want to do something, and it’s in my power to say no, then I will.” He speaks with a stern voice, trying to get his point across and through my thick skull. His voice softens a bit as he speaks the next part, obviously feeling more for this. “This is in my power to say no, yet I’m still here and asking to see you more. I enjoy your company, Eren.” He what? No, that can’t be right.

            “But, why? Why would you want to spend time with me? A bratty high schooler, when you could be doing your own thing? Why would you want to baby-sit a child? You don’t need to say those things just to please me, I’m not made of paper, I can take care of myself. I’ve been doing just fine all these years. I don’t need some random stranger offering to feed me just because you feel sorry for me.” I’m panting from the exertion from my anger in speaking, tears prickling at the back of my eyes from rage and distress.

            “Eren, I don’t pity you. I empathise with you. I know how this feels, and I know how much it fucking hurts. I’ve been in your exact shoes. I don’t know entirely what your past was like, but I was helped by Hanji and Erwin. I didn’t appreciate them a single bit at that time, but I do now. I’m not doing the exact same with you though, since you aren’t in the same position that I was in, but looking back at my past, I know that I needed someone that was willing to help and stay by my side while I got off the ground and went on my road to recovery. Eren, I’m not perfect and there’s possibly no way in hell that I ever will be, but I truly do enjoy speaking with you and learning about you. You don’t have to spend time with me if _you_ don’t want to. Please don’t feel like you’re going to hurt my feelings by doing so, but I just want to know more about you. You intrigue me, Eren.”

            As I listen to him speak, I calm down from my blinded anger. Taking in what Levi says, I feel like such a shitty person for accusing him of thinking/doing such things. I realise that we’ve now arrived back at Mikasa’s house and he has parked out the front, the engine still running to keep the car warm. Looking back at Levi’s face, I realise that he’s already staring at me with a sympathetic look in his eyes; his face was still relatively blank.

            “You don’t have to consider my offer to come over right away, and you don’t have to accept it on those terms. We can go out to talk as well, I just offered the idea of my place since it’d be warmer, and you look pretty cold in those clothes.” He’s pretty good at perception, since I am honestly quite cold, but it’s bearable.

            “It’s fine. I’ll go to yours. I like spending time with you too, but I was just so confused as to why you would even want to hang out with me. I’m sorry for getting so mad.”

            “It’s fine, Eren. I really mean it when I understand how you feel. So, I’ll message you about the details, ok?” I agree and we say our goodbyes and I exit the car, going up to the front door and walking inside since it was open. Levi had waited for me to go inside before driving off and I see his car go by out the corner of my eye when I close the door. Armin, Mikasa and Aysen are all sitting on the couch, Aysen in Armin’s lap now as they watch some type of show on the TV.

            “How was your lunch?” I smile fondly at the thought of Levi actually liking my company as I reply to Mikasa.

            “It was nice.”

           

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter! And the two children meet upon their own accord. What’s a story without a bit of angst though, hey? Sorry if you don’t like long chapters, this one was 7,000+. Do you guys prefer short (<3,000 words) or long (>3,000 words) chapters? Let me know in the comments and what you think of this chapter! Thank you!  
> I've also posted another one-shot, so please check that out too!


	18. Learning To Intoxicate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No one really asked for this, but we at least have a bit of fluff with the boys again. Just gotta go through some other situations first and then maybe afterwards as well.

I can’t feel anything, I’m so far gone. I don’t know what happened; prior to this situation and during it. All I do know is that I’m high off my face and numb to the world. I’m not sure what I’ve taken, or more precisely, what I’ve been given, but it’s enough to leave me feeling satisfied with the lack of anything running through my mind.

            I don’t even know where I am honestly. I’m probably in the back-alley of a club; if my previous expeditions are anything to go by. The background noise is simply a low buzz in the back of my mind, my vision too unfocused to see properly and be able to take in my surroundings anytime soon. I’m aware enough to see that the blurry vision in front of me is in fact moving, but I don’t know if it’s my body that’s moving me; I feel pretty weightless.

            I think that I drank a lot as well, supposedly being at a club, I’m sure that I would have. I have to get drunk before I get to this point of letting anything happen. I was doing really good as well; I haven’t gone out to a club for at least a month or two. Compare that to my usual weekend visits, that’s a real big accomplishment. But that’s irrelevant now, since I’ve just destroyed any and all progress that I had possibly made.

            I don’t even know why I do this to myself. I know that I like the feeling of not feeling or thinking about anything, but there has to be another, more complex meaning, right? I don’t even know.

I somehow feel my body being dropped to the ground; a hard ground mind you, that hurt more than I’d thought it would be able to, given my state. There’s tugging at my body now and I just let whoever is doing so go at it. It’s not like I can stop them anyway. My body is limp in their hands as they rip away my clothing and take my body for their own selfish needs.

            Deep in my mind, I must actually like this attention otherwise I wouldn’t continuously come back for more. I must secretly be a masochist or something. Not once have I ever felt pleasure from any of these encounters, though, not that I’d realise anyway, my mind is always too far in the clouds to notice anything. I don’t know if they use protection or not, I definitely know that they don’t use any help in preparing, much less even bother with it.

            All I know, is that I’m left slumped against a wall, my ass, legs, basically my whole body, numb with pain, much like I am now after the random guy’s ministrations. It always ends up the same: me going out, purposely looking for trouble, getting shit-faced on anything offered after drinking enough alcohol to not be in any sort of right mind, getting used by any amount of people, then being dumped to the side and forgotten.

            I’m not gonna complain, it’s not like I can anyway since it is my fault for offering myself to them with open arms. The men don’t care anyway, I’m just another kid to play around with and get their sadistic pleasure from with no strings attached.

            I don’t know how long I’ve slumped against this wall for, but my vision has started clearing up some, and can now confirm that I am in an alleyway again. I try moving my legs, but I still can’t feel them even though I can twitch them slightly. This is just great. Why do I do this to myself? I’m such a useless whore, going around and getting fucked by anyone willing. At least they don’t stick around to get a touch of my problems. They’d definitely run off if they even got a glimpse of that.

            Accepting that I’m not going to be moving from my position anytime soon, I condemn myself to just sit back and get prepared for a very long night. Mikasa will probably go off her face once she finds out what I’ve done. I don’t even know what day it is or what time, but that’s pretty irrelevant now. I don’t know how much time passes again before I’m stirred from my mindless existing by a call of my name.

            The call is muffled, most likely because of my inebriation, but the calling starts becoming clearer, the voice a familiar tenor. Before I know it, the owner of the voice has moved in front of my slumped form, their legs that are clad in light wash jeans taking up my entire fuzzy vision. The person squats to my level and reaches out their hand to tilt my head up to see their face. They are definitely familiar, but in my intoxicated state, I can’t quite put my finger on just who they are.

            Next thing I know, I’m being pulled to my feet and slumped over the new guy’s shoulder, getting carried to who knows where. Maybe I don’t actually know them and I’m being taken by another random stranger to be used but they wanted a more secluded space. I don’t resist them though, lying limp over their shoulder, feeling the blood flow to my head from being hung upside down.

            The person is mumbling something, whether it’s pointed at me or to them-self I’ll never know, but I hear the sound of a car door opening and then I’m being placed in the seat and buckled in. The guy shuts the door and goes around to get in the driver’s seat then turns the engine on and starts driving. I can’t pay any attention to the outside (or inside for that matter) of the car and thus don’t know just where we’re going, but I do hope it isn’t some dungeon; that would be too much of a burden for Mikasa to deal with.

            Zoning in and out through the drive, we eventually stop and they walk around the car to retrieve me after cutting the engine and exiting their side. Unbuckling me, they once again put me over their shoulder and take me inside their home. They don’t bother turning on any lights, being accustomed to their own living quarters as they are, you wouldn’t expect it to be necessary for them to need help in walking around.

            They make their way through the place and once they make it into their desired room, they enter, walk a few steps and then suddenly my world is being flipped. I’m dumped onto another surface, this one more comfortable than the last, and am left wondering what is going to happen next. I still can’t determine just who has kidnapped me, but I don’t think my body has recovered enough to fight back against anything they decide to do to my body. All I can do is just lie here, on my stomach, and let them do their thing.

            When I don’t feel any hands or other body parts on me, I’m left shocked. It doesn’t show on my face (not like it matters anyway since my face is pressed against the surface) but internally I’m freaked out at just what the person is preparing for me. I’ve not actually been in this situation with a stranger, but I know well enough that they could be up to anything behind me.

            I’m no stranger to the feeling of belts against the backs of my thighs and ass. It’s not a pleasant feeling when being admonished at full power. I’m left there to wait in peril for any type of interaction from the other, but I still don’t feel any after another while. My eyes are starting to drag, and soon enough I’m passing out, mind not worrying about the other for the time being.

 

            When I come to, I don’t realise that I’m not actually at Mikasa’s. I stretch in the strangely comfortable bed and groan at the light that burns my eyelids. When in the moment, you don’t care about the hangover in the morning. This particular one is no different from any other; practically trying to split my head open with the insistent throbbing all through my head.

            Next is the unrelenting force of something trying to rip its way out of my stomach and the feeling of my breath being forced out of my lungs. Time to run to the toilet. I scramble out of the bed and run straight, where my door is supposed to be that leads me out to the hallway. What I find though is just a wall, and that is what my body meets when I charge into it.

            Now I’m more awake, but my stomach has other motives on its mind. When I fall to the floor after running into the wall, I kneel and retch up everything in my stomach. After I’ve finished emptying everything that was burning inside of me, burning my throat on its exit, I come back to my senses and realise just why the door wasn’t where it’s supposed to be; I’m at someone else’s place.

            The room isn’t familiar at all; a double bed in the middle and what looks to be a dresser on the other side and a door to my left, placed so that when you walk into the room you’ll see the bed head on. The wall I’m against is plain; obviously this person isn’t one for decoration, or they don’t have the money for it.

            Leaning against the wall, exhausted out of my mind, I hear hurried footsteps coming towards the room from the hallway outside and I can’t help the twang of fear that shoots through me. The person is going to kill me for messing up their home. Why did they let me sleep here though? On the train of thought, I realise that I’m not in any recent pain, my body overall hurts, but if they had taken me recently the pain would be worse.

            The steps get louder and I push myself against the wall and curl into my body to try and make myself as invisible as possible, but when the person runs through the bedroom door, I’m shocked at whom I see.

            “L-levi?” My voice was hoarse and quiet, a result of my burned throat and dry top of my mouth. He has a worried look on his face when he looks over to me. I had retracted out of my near foetal position but my body was still closed. He looks to my side and I remember that I had thrown up on his floor and I instantly feel absolutely devastated for doing such a thing. “I-I’m sor-”

            “Are you ok?” He cuts me off before I can finish apologising and I’m stunned, not being able to reply. Why would he be asking if I’m ok? He just saw the puddle of vomit on his floor, a look of slight unease settling in, and the first thing he asks is if I’m ok? He’s not going to yell at me; hit me?

            “I- what? I’m f-fine. I’m sorry for throwing up on your floor.” He waves his hand in saying that it doesn’t matter and not to mention it and makes his way over to me.

            “Are you hungry at all? Or do you want to have a shower first? I can go get you some water and Panadol if you want?” He stops just in front of me and kneels down to my level as he speaks.

            “That sounds nice; water and Panadol I mean. Also a shower. Yeah, a shower sounds really nice actually.” I smile sheepishly at him, the throbbing in my head still pounding away and I wince every now and then as I speak. He nods and stands up, holding a hand out for me to take which I do as he speaks.

            “I’ll go get you a glass of water and Panadol, the bathroom is just there if you want to head in. Towels are on the bath’s side; they’re clean don’t worry.” I nod as he offers his arm for me to balance on as we walk to said bathroom. After we get to the bathroom – it’s not far, only a few steps, but I was badly hung-over on whatever I took and drank last night and could barely move my legs – he lets me go to do whatever, which will most likely be sit down, while he goes to get my water and Panadol.

            I begin to start stripping so I can take a shower, although stripping is a bit of an overstatement, it’s more like the battle of arms and shirts. My arms are too heavy and weak to be able to get a firm enough grasp on the rim of my shirt so I just stand there with the edge of my shirt resting between my fingers. It’s not easy undressing when you can barely even move your body.

            Levi walks back in, the promised glass of water and Panadol in hand and stops at the door when he sees my state: standing there with the bottom of my shirt being pulled away from my body with the lightest grasp possible.

            “Having some trouble there?” He has an amused look on his face, it barely shows because he always has resting bitch face on but the slight upturn of his eyes and relaxation of his brows is the main indication of this emotion showing.

            “Uh… yeah a little bit.” Sheepishly smiling at him, my arm flops back down to my side and he walks over to me. Placing the items on the sink counter first, he moves his hand in an upward movement as if trying to lift something as he approaches me.

            “Raise your arms, I’ll help you.” Ok, we may have made out and I may have held his dick in my hand and pumped it a few times, but we aren’t _that_ close, are we? I guess he’s either not fussed about seeing someone else naked and doesn’t care when someone else sees him naked. Or maybe since we have done that, it’s automatically made us easier with each other, having such a close experience together seems to have given us a fairly close relationship, if him helping me and letting me stay in his home is any reason to go by.

            I raise my arms and he pulls my shirt over my head and goes to unbuckle my pants and I just let him, because why not, right? I don’t even care now though, I mean, if he doesn’t care then why should I? He gets them undone and pulls them down, kneeling so he can pull them down all the way and I step out of them, ignoring the suggestive position because I’m just really looking forward to a nice warm shower right now and I am mature. Oh how ignorant I am.

            He pulls my boxer briefs down as well just to be nice and stands to turn on the shower behind me. I turn around to him and he asks me if the water is too hot once he’s adjusted the temperature a bit. I walk up and place my hand under the stream and it is a wonderful, perfect temperature. The expression on my face must’ve shown my thoughts because Levi is chuckling next to me when I pull my hand out.

            “I take that it’s fine then?” I nod and he retrieves the Panadol and water, handing them out to me. “Take this before you get in, I don’t want to come back to find you on the ground clutching your head from a headache.” I nod in agreement and take the medicine, drinking all the water because wow I didn’t realise how dehydrated I was before. “Ok, the towels are just there,” he points to them so I know as he speaks, “don’t trip in the shower, I’ll fetch you some clean clothes and wash yours and refill your glass of water. If you need some help, just call out, ok?” I nod and he nods in departure as I step into the shower.

            This is such a nice shower: perfect temperature and pressure. I pick up the bar of soap from the holder and seeing the loofa, I decide not to use it because that has touched his body and although he might be a generally clean person, I don’t wanna touch that. Sue me for being ‘immature’ or whatever you wish to think. I rub the bar between my hands to get a nice lather before putting the soap back and washing my body.

            As I’m cleaning my arms, I remember the fucking cuts there and realise that Levi would have seen not only them, but also the scars on my thighs. Lucky him, he got a close up of my thighs as well. Fucking spectacular. Nice one, Eren, your wit has rewarded you yet again, 4 for you, Eren. You go, Eren.

            I can’t even be bothered to wash myself anymore. What’s the point anyway? I’ll just put my clothes back on and get out of here before Levi sees me and rats me out for doing such a thing to myself. Not only did he presumably see me in a revolting state last night and end up rescuing my sorry ass, but he also had to put up with my vile being just now and see how far my destructive tendencies are.

            I’m sure he thinks I’m a monster now. Who wouldn’t after seeing that war field? He might even believe that I do it just for the attention points, some fucknuts actually do that. They’re the ones that have some serious problems with their mentality.

            I hear the door to the bathroom open and look over to see Levi placing some folded clothes and a refilled glass of water down on the bench. He doesn’t look up at me the whole time, even when he’s grabbed my clothes from the floor and heads to the door.

            “Levi…” I call out to him hesitantly, the anxiety of him knowing about my scars clenching at my chest and making it difficult to speak and even worse to breathe. He looks up at me and I can only feel the emotion on my face as being one of terror and remorse for some reason. After not speaking for a bit and both of us just standing there, he speaks up.

            “Is something wrong, Eren? Do you need help?” Do I need help? I don’t even know. I don’t want to shower anymore. I just want to curl into a ball and never go back out to the real world. Can I do that, Levi?

            “I, uh. C-can I go home.” His expression doesn’t change much, but his brows furrow further than usual in possibly confusion.

            “Did you not want to shower or have breakfast? Are you going to be sick again?”

            “N-no. I just. Can I, please go home.” My voice is only just loud enough to be heard over the stream of the water still spraying down on my shoulder from where I’m turned from it.  

            “What brought this up? Do you want to talk about it first?” I really should just get out of here before I make an even bigger fool of myself. Fucking useless, weak piece of shit. Can’t do anything right. I turn off the shower, the soap long being rinsed off where I had gotten up to, and I open the screen to step out. Levi is there in a flash, holding a towel out open for me and I step into his open arms to the towel.

            He wraps the towel around my shoulders and hands the edges to me to hold, letting me be independent for at least this action. He doesn’t comment on my lack of answer, instead just going with the flow of things and leaving me to my own measures.

            “Eren, if you don’t want to say why then at least eat some food first?” Levi asked of me, a hint of hope lacing his voice. I don’t want to bother or intrude on his space though, I’m sure he has better things to be doing than taking care of a useless child like me.

            “No, I really should get out of your hair; you probably have things to do anywa-”

            “Eren, I wouldn’t have offered if I didn’t want you to. Come on, dry up, put on clean clothes and I’ll fix up some breakfast for both of us. You can come out when you want, take your time, ok?” He maintains eye contact as much as he can while he speaks even with my head tilted down and away – I can see him out the corner of my vision. He leaves after that with a sort of confidence and I don’t even know what to do with myself.

            I stand in the middle of the bathroom, where Levi left me, for quite some time. I can smell the cooking of food coming from wherever the kitchen is and my stomach rumbles in response, it is empty after all. I really can’t be bothered putting on any clothes though. What’s the point anyway? Oh right, cover my disgusting scars from view. I’m sure Levi wouldn’t want to have to see them any longer than he already has, especially when eating breakfast.

            I decide that I should join Levi for breakfast; it would be rude otherwise, would it not? I dry whatever droplets are left even after standing there for so long, and put on the clothes Levi set out for me. They’re a bit short but otherwise fit perfectly, I don’t have much body fat or any muscle to obscure the fitting anyway. I’m a scrawny and lanky being that looks like an alien. Goals much?

            Leaving the towel to drape over the side of the tub, I head out to Levi, well I would if I knew which way to go. I wasn’t really in the best of mindsets when he directed me to the bathroom so I don’t know which way to go from here and I don’t want to call out to Levi and annoy him further. I use the currently strongest sense of direction and that is through smell. It’s coming from the left and so I go down that way and end up having to turn left again and there it is, at the end of the hallway. I walk slowly over to where Levi is sitting at his dining table facing me, a plate of food set in front of him.

            “Ah, you’ve decided to join me?” He notices me approaching and I nod in answer, feeling bad for putting up such a fuss. “I kept your food in the oven to keep it warm; it should be fine though since I only just cooked it basically. Wait here; I’ll go get it for you.” He stands from his seat and retrieves my plate from the oven, turning it off after getting it and coming back to hand me the plate. He had cooked omelette that looked to have cheese and a multitude of vegetables in amongst it. “Did you want some water? I can get your one from the bathroom or get a fresh one for you?” I ask if he could get the one from the bathroom and he does so. I take that chance to sit down across from where Levi was sat and wait for him to return, I didn’t have utensils anyway.

            Levi returns with my cup and sees me sitting there not eating and looks confused for a moment before recognition shines in his eyes. He makes a detour to the kitchen, rummages through a drawer and returns with my cup and a knife fork to accompany it.

            “Sorry, I forgot about these.” He chuckles as he hands them over and sits down. I tell him not to worry about it and we both tuck into the food. The food isn’t bad, Levi must cook his meals often at least for it to not be burnt or taste bland. I wonder if he lives by himself, he must do if he wasn’t worried about me staying the night and his housemate not being bothered by it. We eat our food in a silence that is strained, Levi obviously wanting to question or talk to me and me having anxiety coursing through my body at the thought of speaking up in any way. It’s strange really, I don’t know exactly why I’m anxious; obviously because of what Levi had without a doubt seen on my body, but there has to be something else, right?

            I take a sip from my drink and accidentally make eye-contact with Levi. He was chewing his food and already looking over at me and I can’t help but pause in my tipping of my drink into my mouth. I lower the cup slightly so that it doesn’t continue to pour in and look back at him for a moment before my breath hitches and I look away – more specifically, look into my cup – as I continue drinking.

            “Eren, do you like the food?” I nod in reply, having finished drinking, I placed my cup on the table and keep my eyes down, not wanting to seem rude by staring. “Did you want to talk about what’s bothering you? I’m sorry if I did something to upset you.” His voice is full of sincerity and I can’t help but curl into myself, feeling very open and in the spot light and not liking it.

            “I, I don’t really – you, um… my body – arms and legs.” I stuttered over my words, never really being one for nervous speaking or knowing how to voice something. He looks confused at me but obviously tries not to show it.

            “Did you not want me to go so far in undressing you for the shower? I’m sorry-” I cut him off before he gets the wrong idea.

            “No, no. It’s just; you saw my arms and thighs, right? You must’ve seen them.” By the end of my speaking, my voice had taken on a desperate tone, hoping for something that I don’t know. Levi doesn’t speak for a few moments, instead just looking at me with a blank face like usual. He takes a breath before he speaks, and my heart instantly starts beating faster, anxiety spiking up for whatever reason and clenching at my chest.

            “I did see, yes.” He speaks slowly, but that does nothing for my current state. In one way it soothes me to know that I don’t have to completely spell it out for him and end up telling him something that he didn’t actually already know and then risk him being mortified and kicking me out instantly, but then it worsens my state in making me believe that he already does think of me as a disgusting monster but didn’t want to kick me out yet so that he had time to yell at me and abuse me for being such an idiotic, worthless kid.

            “I’ll just leave then. Sorry for having you take care of me and see me in such a state.” I rise from my seat, keeping my head down so as to not let him see my face but he beats me to it, not letting me run away just yet; not before he’s had his way with me. I’m expecting him to grab my wrist once he’s stood up, but the calm voice that speaks out to me surprises me.

            “Eren, it’s ok. I really don’t mind having to make sure you’re ok. Eren, something could have happened to you if I didn’t, I don’t want you to be hurt. I’d rather take you into my care than let something happen to you. It’s simple common-sense to help someone in need. I would have done that for anyone that I knew, and taken someone I didn’t know to the hospital.” I look up at him once he had said that he’d rather take me in than let something happen to me and keep eye-contact for the rest of his speaking. For having such a cold exterior, Levi is a really kind and thoughtful person.

            “But, after seeing that in the bathroom, you must think I’m-” He cuts me off before I can finish my self-deprecation.

            “Eren, I won’t think any worse of you for such an act. It’s not your fault if you’ve been given the worse side of life. The way that you cope with things is your own, and of course there are better ways of doing so and paths that you really shouldn’t take, but if you’re going to Hanji for this, then I’m glad that you’re at least doing something to help yourself instead of wallowing away doing nothing and then complaining that you’re not getting better.” How does he know how to say the exact right thing? “If you don’t want to explain your troubled past, then you don’t have to and I’m completely fine with that, you don’t have to ever tell me if you want.”

            Levi is like a god-send. I’m going to have to thank Hanji for introducing us properly next time. But, without our first meeting, then second, we wouldn’t be this easy with each other, would we? I don’t reply to him and I drop my eyes to the table, he lets out a low breath that I just catch and moves to clean the table, enquiring if I had finished and I reply that I had. He takes our dishes and cups to the sink, cleans and dries them, being diligent in making sure that they’re clean by scrubbing, checking, scrubbing again then rinsing and letting them dry on the rack. After he’s finished, not taking long at all, he walks back over.

            “Did you want me to take you home now? You can stay for longer; you just were pretty persistent about going home before.” I really should get out of his hair; I really don’t want to bother him anymore than I have.

            “Yeah, that would be nice, thanks.” He nods then walks off, leaving me there to stand nervously as I wait. He returns in a jacket and with his keys in hand and walks over to me.

            “Your clothes haven’t finished washing and they still need to be dried so I’ll give them to Hanji for them to give back to you, is that ok?” I nod in reply that it’s fine and he replies ‘ok, let’s go then’ and we head out the door and to his car.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter! Sorry for this one, but I hope you all enjoyed it to a certain extent. Let me know what you think and if there are any problems in the comments.


	19. Learning To Test

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren gets tested for STDs and we hang out with the trio again. Oh, and Jean has new friend…

 

Nervousness and anxiety is crawling through my body; my leg is restless, bouncing in place as I sit on a chair waiting for the doctor. After getting home from Levi’s at around 10:30am (he dropped me off around the corner just in case Mikasa or her dad were to see him) I had needed to get checked for STIs. Luckily it’s a Saturday and the local STI clinic was open and nearby.

            I had trouble even walking into the building at first, worried that someone I know would see me walking in and spread rumours about me and think of me as some whore or some other shit like that. Once I had gotten inside though, another fear was talking to the person managing the front desk, I had to summon up the courage just to walk up to them, then push the stuttering words out of my mouth, having to repeat them because I had mumbled whilst doing so. After I had finally gotten my speech across – asking for the first available appointment – they had asked me to take a seat and that the doctor would be with me soon.

            Now here I am, waiting for the soon to come, yet dreading it all the same. All too soon, a dark, short haired, glasses wearing white man in your typical doctor’s white gown walks out of a door down a corridor and asks me to join him. I do so and once inside he sits me down in the chair next to his desk and begins asking me, most likely, the typical questions for something like this.

            “Good evening, sir, so, first up, when was the last time you had sex?” He speaks in a formal tone, with a straight face, obviously completely used to asking all types of personal questions to his patients and likely receiving some pretty out of the ordinary answers.

            “Last night.”

            “Ok, and was it unprotected?” He jots down on a notepad my answers as he goes along.

            “Uh, I’m not sure. I think it was unprotected but I was drunk and probably drugged.” Might as well tell what I know I guess. On a sign they had in the waiting room, it said that any information acquired was under high regard and won’t be passed on under any circumstances.

            “That’s fine, do you think you’d have any infections or are you here because you want to make sure they didn’t have any? I presume it was a fling, right?”

            “Yeah, it was. I don’t know him, don’t even remember what he looked like.” _I wasn’t even properly conscious of what was happening or how many people had actually had their way with me._ I left that part out, not wanting him to know quite everything about what could have happened.

            “Ok. So I’ll take a urine and blood sample to test for STIs and STDs. Would you like me to check your genitals or take a swab of them for you, or would you prefer not to?”

            “Uh, I’d… prefer if we didn’t.” I hope I’m not pushing my hope too far with asking this. What if I need to do that?

            “That’s fine. Just take this cup with you to the bathroom and pee inside of it, we’ll take your blood test once you’ve finished.” He hands me a small plastic container and sends me in the direction of the bathrooms. I do as instructed, aiming properly into the cup and letting it flow. I finish up, dabbing myself dry and flushing anything that didn’t fit and screw the lid on the container before washing my hands and heading out and back into the doctor’s office.

            I nervously pass it to him as I sit down and he thanks me. He asks for my arm and this is when the sweats start. He’s going to see my scars. He’s going to be yet another person that will see how I mutilate myself. He’s going to be yet another person to see me as a revolting monster that has too many problems to cater to. Once he sees my arm he’s going to cringe in disgust and send me away without getting the test done and throwing away my other sample, not caring if I actually do have something. Letting me rot instead, rot like my horrific being deserves.

            “Mr Jaeger, if you’d please roll up your sleeve, the needle can’t pass through the material of the shirt. I know it’s cold, but it won’t take long. If you’re worried that it hurts, it’s just like a pinch and then it’ll be over before you know it.” Now he’s just brought back my initial fear of needles.

            As a child I had always absolutely dreaded needles. I’d kick and scream and run from the doctor, my parents – usually mum – would have to hold me still and promise me lunch or ice-cream afterwards. I’d always initially agree when there’s the promise of food, though when actually getting the injection, it did only the smallest amount in calming me down enough.

            So now I have two fears of going ahead with this: showing my arm to him, the one that actually has the scars, and needles. Just great. I can get rid of one fear by switching arms, but the needle is still a massive problem. I don’t care if he says it’ll only take a moment and won’t hurt too bad, but that doesn’t help at all.

            “Uh, do we have to take a blood sample? I…don’t really like needles, at all.” I hesitantly ask him, worried that I’m pushing too far with my requests. I did say no to checking my private area after all.

            “I’m sorry but we do have to do this if you want to do a proper testing. The blood is one of the main indications for a disease. You can look away while the needle is in, and I can give you something to distract yourself with as well if you’d like?” A distraction would be handy, and I could look away to try and make things slightly better. Still won’t take away the fact that _I know_ _what he’s doing_.

            “Uh… fine. Sure, let’s just get this over with. Can we use my other arm though?” He nods at my request and I’m so relieved that he doesn’t ask why I want to and just goes ahead with it. Maybe he gets a few people like me, not wanting to show scars and such. We turn the seat around together and now he has my right arm offered to him, the sleeve still pulled down so I pull it up, still anxious even though there’s nothing to see on that arm.

            “Ok, so I’m going to clean it with an anti-septic wipe, then I’ll put the needle in, ok?” He tells me what he’s going to do so that I’m prepared for what’s coming and I hum in response to his question of me understanding, but I’m still on edge and when he places the cold wipe to my skin I flinch away from his touch. “It’s just the wipe.” He speaks in a low voice, so as to calm me and not make me feel like an idiot any more than I already do. I try and relax myself, focusing on my breathing as I notice the erratic beat of my heart. “Ok, did you want me to give you a stress ball or small puzzle to keep your mind off what I’m doing?”

            “T-that would be nice, if you don’t mind of course.” He replies that it’s fine and moves a few papers on his desk to find a small, circular toy-like object that has a number of tiny metal balls that you have to move into small pads inside of the toy. I try my hardest to distract myself with the children’s toy as I sense the needle being prepared then about to be inserted.

            The pain isn’t as bad as I had anticipated, but the thought alone sends a gut-wrenching feel that makes my stomach feel like it’s about to pour out the breakfast I’d had with Levi this morning. I do my best to hold down the bile bubbling inside of my stomach and focus on the small toy in my hand, moving it this way and that to get the balls on the small pad/holes.

            It doesn’t take too long for the whole ordeal to be over. The doctor claims that he’s almost over and will be taking the needle out in a moment, I can’t help but quickly look over to see his progress, and boy what a mistake that was. Instantly, at seeing the blood in the vile, I feel the blood drain from my face and my stomach feels as though it’s just dropped completely.

            I sway away from the doctor and he looks to me and slight panic takes over his features. He quickly takes the needle out and turns to grab a wipe and Band-Aid, telling me to just hold on a few more seconds. My vision blurs a bit, the white room making it especially difficult to see with such conditions and I can tell that my breakfast is finally ready to make an appearance. I do my best to warn him before it happens, making arm movements towards my stomach and mouth, but I’m not entirely sure that I get the point across as he looks at me weirdly before realising and moving as quick as he can to grab the bucket on the other side of the small room. Unfortunately though, he wasn’t quick enough and I hurl on the floor just as he’s making his way back over.

            I continue to retch, coughing up whatever I have remaining in my stomach until there’s none left. The doctor stands to the side, holding the bucket limply in his hand. Shit, he has to put up with this now probably. Fuck, what the fuck is wrong with me. Weak-ass shit that can’t even handle a little fucking blood.

            “Ok, do you want to carefully stand and go to the bathroom? You can wash up anything in there and rinse out your mouth. Don’t worry about the mess, trust me. Are you feeling alright?” I can’t bring myself to look at him. He says that but he’s just lying. He’s going to hit me later for doing such a thing. Have his way with me; teach me a lesson; put me in my place.

            “I-I’m sorry. I’ll just…leave.” Keeping my head to the floor, I push myself from the seat where I was leant forward and make my way to step around the vomit on the ground. Before I can make it out of the room though, the doctor grabs my arm, preventing me from leaving. As soon as I feel the arm on my wrist, my body seizes and panic flows through my body. All that goes through my head is _he’s going to hit me._

            “Sir, please don’t worry about it. You can go and wash up in the bathroom, don’t think about it. I will get you a glass of water, ok? Do you need some help?” I shake my head in answer and rasp out that I just want to leave and will be fine. He hesitates a moment longer before letting go of my arm and I navigate my way around the puddle to exit the room. “We’ll call you so you can come in and get your results when they’re ready. Should be around 1-2 weeks.” He calls out to me as I exit the room.

            I hurry out of the building, quickly walking past the front desk and through the front doors. I don’t stop until I’m at least a block away, wrapping my arms around my waist and standing there, leaning against the wall of another building. I have to stop this panicking, what the fuck is wrong with me?

            After somewhat calming down, I make my way back to Mikasa’s, walking all the way back. Upon arriving, I head straight to my room, avoiding Mikasa’s questioning stares. I lay on my bed, not being bothered to undress, and remain there until I feel a vibration from my brick of a phone. I take it out of my back pocket, manoeuvring myself so that I can reach it and see that it’s a message from Levi.

 

**Levi Ackerman – 5:43pm, Saturday, 2/11**

**Hey, Kid, just wondering if you were feeling better from this morning. You seemed pretty out of it.**

Does he actually care about me? No, that’s just wishful thinking. Why would Levi actually care about a stupid kid like me?

 

**You – 5:45pm, Saturday, 2/11**

**I’m fine. Nothing’s wrong.**

Levi doesn’t need to know about me going to the doctors or my sob story. He doesn’t need to put up with that shit.

 

**Levi Ackerman – 5:45pm, Saturday, 2/11**

**That’s good then. Did you want to catch up this coming weekend again? I’d like to talk properly to you.**

Oh shit. What would he want to talk to me about? Is he going to have his way with me as well, like all the other guys? He probably thinks it’s fine since I seem to let every other guy do so anyway.

**You – 5:46pm, Saturday, 2/11**

**I don’t know if I’ll be able to, schoolwork and all you know?**

I never do my homework, but Levi doesn’t know that.

 

**Levi Ackerman – 5:47pm, Saturday, 2/11**

**You can do it here. I don’t mind. Perhaps I can even help you with what I know.**

Shit, how do I get out of that one?

 

**You – 5:49pm, Saturday, 2/11**

**I think I can feel a cold coming on, I’ll probably be sick still. Don’t want to get you sick.**

Great excuse, Eren. He so won’t see through that one.

 

**Levi Ackerman – 5:49pm, Saturday, 2/11**

**If you don’t want to come over you don’t have to.**

Oh shit, what if he know? What if I’ve insulted him? Oh god no.

 

**You – 5:51pm, Saturday, 2/11**

**I’m sorry; it’s not that I don’t want to. I’m just not good with people. At all.**

**Levi Ackerman – 5:51pm, Saturday, 2/11**

**You were fine with me.**

**You – 5:52pm, Saturday, 2/11**

**Well that doesn’t count. We got off to a weird start.**

**Levi Ackerman – 5:52pm, Saturday, 2/11**

**Punching a guy in the nose of first sight is counted as a pretty weird start. So do want to come over or not on Saturday?**

Should I go over? If he does anything I could call someone. I could put Mikasa and the cops on speed dial. He hasn’t tried anything so far anyway. Except for that one time, but that was somewhat consensual. If you count completely drunk off our faces consensual at least.

 

**You – 5:54pm, Saturday, 2/11**

**Sure, I’ll come over. Will you pick me up?**

**Levi Ackerman – 5:55pm, Saturday, 2/11**

**Of course I’ll pick you up. Same corner alright. See you at 11:00am?**

**You – 5:54pm, Saturday, 2/11**

**Sounds good to me. See you then.**

He replies that he’ll see me then and I turn off my phone, putting it on the bedside table. I lie there for a bit longer and can feel the effects of drowsiness come over me. It’s not entirely often that I’m actually tired, so I give in and fall asleep, still in the clothes I’d borrowed from Levi.

 

            “Eren.” He purrs my name, his deep voice sending shivers down my body. “Are you a good boy, Eren?” I whine in answer, arching my back towards the owner of the voice. “Tell me what you want.” I gasp out a mumbled answer, not even knowing what I tried to say. “What was that?” I summon the will to be able to speak properly and clearly and answer.

            “P-please, touch me, Levi.” He hums in reply, responding to my ask by touching my upper body, running his hands down my chest and over my waist.

            “Do you like this, Eren?” He purrs directly into my ear which has me panting underneath him. He leans in closer, his own clothed chest brushing against my flushed one. “Do you want more?”

            “Y-yeeesss…” I breathe out in reply to him, hoping that he’d move his hands further down from the caressing they’re doing to my upper half. I didn’t know he was such a tease. He can obviously feel my hard dick pressing just below his crotch. I still had my boxer briefs on but that did nothing to hide how aroused I was. Not going to lie, I am pretty well-endowed.

            I can feel his smirk against my ear and then a lick followed by a nibble as his hand ventures further down, coming achingly close to my desired destination, just missing by instead going around the side and to my thighs, caressing and squeezing them. I keen in protest for him to move faster but all I get in return is a throaty chuckle and hummed reply.

            “My, you’re quite desperate, aren’t you, _Eren.”_ I definitely can’t deny that, but why am I doing nothing and just letting him have his way with me with no instant pleasure? That’s not how I am at all. Having a sudden change of attitude, I decide to pay him back for the teasing and outright grind against him, angling my body so it’ll rub against his crotch the most effectively. His reaction is exactly what I was aiming for. “Ah, Eren!”

            He curls against me, his own sensitivity heightened by not getting any attention to his own need. He pants directly into my ear and groans out a garbled version of my name and what I believe to hear an ask of more, so I decide to be the nicer one of us and actually give him, what he wants. I move my hands to his waist and move him so our crotches are directly against each other and grind against him, pulling out moans from both of us.

            “Eren, _Eren,_ please, more. Harder, faster, _Eren.”_ His voice is sounding different to usual as he calls my name but I pay no mind to it, too lost in the pleasure of actually having contact against my throbbing dick with another, overly attractive male who wants this just as much as I do. _“Eren, Eren.”_ I groan back in reply.

           

“Eren!” Everything fades away, my hands desperately clutching for Levi to stay, but my efforts die in vain as I realise everything was just a dream, and it was just Mikasa calling out to me. Wait, Mikasa?!

            Jolting upright in bed, I look to my left to see Mikasa in my doorway, looking utterly peeved that she had to call out to me so many times for me to wake up.

            “Eren, we’re going to be late, hurry up and get ready. I don’t even want to know what you were moaning about or who you were even dreaming about, splash some cold water on your face and get ready, ok?” She leaves with a slam of my door and I just sit there and stare at my door for a while, coming to terms with what just happened.

            Mikasa just walked in on me having a wet dream, about Levi. Her calling of my name was interpreted into my dream, as Levi saying it. Oh god what has my life come to? I’m dreaming about Levi in such a way, and Mikasa just got a load of it. What if I spoke out loud as well? Did I say his name by any chance? She said that she didn’t want to know who I dreamt of, so that must mean that she doesn’t know who it was, right? Fuck what if she finds out about me meeting up with him; what if she knew the whole time? Levi would kill me if she did and he found out. He’d blame me for her knowing, even though Mikasa is just that perceptive. It’s scary honestly.

            Ok, I have no time for this anyway, Mikasa said we’d be late if I didn’t hurry up and get ready. Luckily, with the whole ordeal of Mikasa walking in on me and the thought of Levi killing me for Mikasa possibly knowing about our meetings, my arousal had calmed down enough that I could dress in relative comfort and go and do my business in the bathroom before walking out to Mikasa and Petra, the latter holding Aysen. They look to me as I enter the room and I feel off-put from the attention being directed on me.

            “Are you ready to go now?” I nod in reply and she says for me to come on then. I say goodbye to Petra as I pass her, keeping my head down, and head to the front door, swinging my school bag over my shoulder from where it was leaning against the wall and follow Mikasa out the front door and we make our way to school.

 

            It’s the end of the school day and I’m making my way over to where I meet Mikasa out the front of the school, grateful that it’s finally the end of the day. I see her standing next to Jean and another guy that is a few centimetres taller than him and has dark brown hair and continue my way over to them. I haven’t seen him around so I wonder why he’s standing there with them. Perhaps he’s a new person in the school.

            “Eren, I have work today so Jean, Marco, Armin and I are going over to the library. Did you want to join us? Armin is just going to browse around the books and Jean and Marco are going to work on an English assignment that they were assigned to do together.” I look to the new person that I now know to be Marco and he has a kind, bright smile already directed at me.

            “Hi, Eren, I’m Marco. It’s nice to meet you!” He holds his hand out to me to shake, his bright smile still remaining on his face. His cheeks, which I notice have a multitude of freckles on them, are bunched up, causing his eyes to crinkle and practically close. I take his hand, worried that it’d seem rude if I didn’t, and shake it dutifully.

            “Hey, Marco.” I respond to him before letting go of his hand and focusing on Mikasa to reply to her earlier question. “Yeah, sure I’ll join you guys. Are we waiting for Armin or going to meet him there?”

           “He’s going to catch a ride with us in Jean’s car; it’d be a waste to take both the cars anyway, Jean said he’d drop him off here before taking Marco and you home. I’ll just walk home after my shift. So we’re just waiting on him now.” I nod in reply and we wait for a minute or so more before Armin comes walking up to us, a huge smile at the aspect of getting to visit the library again excites him. He’s always been a massive bookworm, never being able to go without reading for even a day. He’s especially been one for the sciences of the world, environmental science being his most favourite.

            “Hey, guys, we all ready to go?” Mikasa and Jean reply and affirmative and we make our way over to where he parked his car and all get in, Mikasa taking her rightful place in the passenger seat while Armin, Marco and I are bound to the back, Armin being in the middle as he is the smallest and Marco seated behind Jean, leaving me behind Mikasa, with which I am wholly grateful for.

            It doesn’t take long to get to the library, being about a 20-30 minute walk from school meaning it’s only a 5 minute drive. Jean finds a parking space near the library building and we all get out and make our way inside, Mikasa taking a detour once we’re in to go to the bathroom so she can change into her work uniform. Once she’s changed, she quickly puts her other clothes in Jean’s car and makes her way up to the café to start her job.

            Jean and Marco head over to the intended student area and do their own thing there while Armin walks around and checks out all the books, placing any that he finds interesting in his arms to see to later. Me on the other hand, I have no idea what to do. Books don’t entirely interest me, definitely not anywhere near as much as they do Armin, so I am left to stand here, in the cafeteria area, awkwardly and out of place.

            “Eren, did you want me to make you a drink or something? You look bored and I need training for making drinks with this machine.” She laughs a little at the end at herself and I smile in reply, making my way over to her at the counter top. The other girl that is normally here is next to her, her smile ever present on her face.

            “Well, I would get something but I’m not hungry or thirsty and I have no money. Sorry, Mika.”

            “I can pay for you, Eren. You know I’d do that.”

            “No, it’s fine, Mika, I’m seriously not thirsty.” I haven’t eaten today nor had any drinks, but she doesn’t know nor need to know that.

            “I’m making you one anyway, what do you want?” Ever persistent Mikasa, she won’t budge unless I say something. At least she’s going back to her usual self, not as drawn back; the sessions with Hanji must be starting to gradually work for her.

            “I’ll have my usual then.”

            “Skim caramel latte?” She knows me so well, one of the things in life that actually does make me feel good. I nod in reply and take a seat next to the window, trusting that Mikasa would pay for me like she said she would. I hear Mikasa and the other person talk over what to do, the girl speaking and Mikasa doing whatever she’s told, learning how everything works.

            I look over to where Jean and Marco are studying; Jean seems to be pretty alright with him, considering his complete lack of social finesse. Well, at least with me. We never really got along anyway, and him being in a relationship with Mikasa just made it a whole lot worse. Yet he seems to get along with Marco just fine. Perhaps Marco is just godly patient and kind. Yeah, that must be it.

            In my mindless thinking, I don’t realise Mikasa making her way over to me with my coffee. She pulls me out of my daydreaming by calling out my name and holding the takeaway cup towards me. I blink up at her and she repeats whatever I had missed.

            “Eren, try it. Tell me what you think.” I take the drink from her outstretched hand and tentatively take a sip from it. It’s a bit too hot, but otherwise it’s not that bad, could be a bit more caramel-tasting though. Taking another sip, the hotness of the drink is too much and I almost burn my tongue, only slightly singing the flat of it.

            “It’s a bit hot and could use a bit more caramel but otherwise it’s not too bad.” She nods and a small smile turns her lips upwards and then she heads back over to the counter to go over more things probably.

            Armin pops up out of nowhere on my left – the window was on my right – and sits down with his pile of books. There’re probably around 10 books from what I can tell just by a quick look, each of them varying in thickness. How he managed to carry them all, I have no idea. Armin isn’t a scrawny person per se, but he isn’t at all muscular either. He does lean towards the more scrawny side, however. He has voiced wanting to get into a more muscular shape though, but only perhaps once or twice has he confided in me about this.

            “Eren, I’ve found so many great books about the world’s greatest wonders and the history of multiple countries. They all look so interesting, and I haven’t seen them before! This library is great!” He speaks with the happiest voice, true joy taking over his entire appearance. There’s nothing that brings him more glee than books. I wonder if he’s ever thought about becoming a librarian, at least as just a part-time job.

            “Armin,” he replies with a ‘yes?’ when he realises I was waiting for confirmation that he was listening and I continue, “have you ever thought about becoming a librarian as a part-time job perhaps?” His features are taken over by a thoughtful look, spacing out a little as he thinks over the question. Surely he’s thought about this before, but he must not have come to a solid conclusion on the topic probably.

            “I have, yeah, but I’m not sure if I’d actually enjoy it, you know? I mean, I’d more than love to work here, with such an amazing library, anyone with a love for books would love to work here, but a lot of the time, when you associate the things you love with work, then it often takes away the appealing sense of the thing you love. I’d just hate to dislike the very thought of books with one simple action.” Thinking over what he said, it’s actually very true. As a child, I had loved to cook with my mum and draw whenever I’d felt like it, but when I had come to high school and there was a class for both of them, I had slowly formed a hatred towards them, simply because of the workload for them.

            “Once again, you’re right, Armin, that happened to me with cooking and art, you know I used to love doing them. I’m sure that you’d be fine though, right? I mean, you’re great with schoolwork, and we’ve had to work with books our whole life, so what would having a job with them do? You’d get to see more books since you’d be putting them away probably, and in your spare time you’d get to read.”

            “That’s true, I could try it out I guess, then.” He smiles at me then and nods in resolution. “I’ll make my resume when I get home and submit it next time I come here. Thank you, Eren.” I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve a thanks, but I reply with a ‘no problem’ anyway, just to be polite.

            Next it’s Jean and Marco that make their way to the table, Jean deciding that it’s fine if he sits next to me and thus letting Marco sit next to Armin. Armin was sitting across from me, with both of us next to the window, while Jean and Marco were on the other side, the former unfortunately next to me.

            “So Mikasa is working right?” A hum in affirmation is Jean’s reply and he continues. “Then I’ll go and order something, does anyone want something? Marco?” Armin replies that he doesn’t, I don’t reply at all since I have a drink already and that’s plain to see – even with Armin’s pile of books – and Marco shyly replies that he’d like a ‘flat white please’. Jean nods and heads up to Mikasa to order and talk to her.

            “So, Marco, you’re in Jean’s English, is that right?” Armin starts up the conversation and Marco is more than happy to reply, seemingly more polite than everyone I know, that may not be very many but it was still a feat in itself.

            “Yes I am; we’ve been paired up to do an assignment together. We hadn’t spoken before today, when we got the assignment, and Jean didn’t even know who I was apparently.” He chuckles and does the awkward back of the neck rub of the hair. He really does seem like a genuinely nice guy. Poor Marco, having to be paired up by force with the asshole known as Jean.

            “Yeah, I haven’t seen you around I don’t think; you’ve been at this school since the beginning, right? Or did you move recently?” Armin continues to question him.

            “I’ve been here since last year, so I haven’t been here for too long.” Armin nods in answer, understanding why he hasn’t seen Marco around.

            “Ok, here’s your drink, Marco, did you want to get going so we can study more at mine?” Jean walks back over with his and Marco’s drinks, giving Marco his and not sitting, waiting for Marco’s answer to determine whether he does sit or not.

            “Uh, yeah sure. We can borrow those books we saw too.” Jean nods and looks over at Armin and me.

            “Since I’m driving you two back, you have to come now otherwise you’ll be walking.” Armin nods and goes to follow Jean and Marco away, each waving goodbye to Mikasa as they pass and I follow behind them. Marco and Armin both borrow the books that they had chosen out and once they’d finished we all head out to Jean’s car, Marco taking the passenger seat this time.

            “Ok, I’ll drop Armin at school to get his car then I’ll take you back, Eren, ok?” I nod to him and he starts the car, going to drop Armin off first, then me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! So sorry that I haven’t been uploading regularly, but thank you all for still reading. We’re getting there with the ereri, slowly. I wanted this fic to be like real life – not instantly rushing into a relationship, because that’s not how it always works. Hope you enjoy the chapter, let me know what you think and if there’re any mistakes. Thank you!


	20. Learning To Research

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren spills to Levi, Levi spills to Eren, and Eren blurts out something that leads to a change of events.

My surroundings are comfortable and most definitely clean, but that does nothing to quell the anxiety coursing through my body. Sitting on Levi’s couch, with Levi in the kitchen making tea for both of us, I can’t slow down my erratic heartbeat that seems insistent on beating as loud and fast as it can to have a chance at being heard by the man in the conjoined room. Luckily though, I am able to keep my breathing at a shallow point, taking long, deep breaths instead of matching the beat of my heart.

            I have my hands in my lap, fingers fidgeting together, and my back ramrod straight, tense as ever. Even though I’ve been here before, albeit for a short time and on bad circumstances, I shouldn’t be _this_ terrified. Any noise that Levi makes sends my eyes shifting over to him and back, my head remaining in place makes it difficult and painful to completely see Levi behind me, in fact it’s impossible so I don’t know why my eyes seem insistent on trying.

            Levi had asked me over to talk about last weekend and I’m not looking forward to it at all. I don’t even know why I had agreed on coming over. I should’ve stuck to the excuse of having work to do and insisted that it’d be too much to bring over. Levi is only doing all this because Hanji had asked him to entertain me basically. He would’ve otherwise just ignored me and forever know me to be that kid that punched him out of nowhere, almost hooked up with but ran out on him and consequently goes to his friend’s school to which that friend is the principal of. Would’ve lived a better life without having to take care of a child that can’t even look after themselves on the weekend.

            “So, Eren, how was your week?” Levi walks over with two steaming cups of tea, placing one down in front of me on the coffee table and taking a seat on the couch beside mine – the couches are similar to Hanji’s in that they make an ‘L’ shape though are separate and join at different sides.

            “Um, my week was fine.” Why can’t I reply with any more details? Well done, Eren. A+ social skills. Just sublime. Levi looks at me with a blank look – his face is normally blank but I can tell that this one is slightly different – it is just screaming, ‘are you serious?’. He obviously wants me to elaborate, but I don’t know how. Instead, I return his blank look, mine more than likely reeking of stupidity.

            “Nothing new happen? Nothing exciting? Different? Catch your attention? Anything, Eren?” Levi has a sort of pleading and exasperated look on his face; but I don’t know what to say about my week. As far as I knew, nothing really did happen. At all.

            “Seriously, I don’t know what happened in my week that is necessary to repeat. I went to school, then one day I went to the library with my friends and we had a quick drink, they borrowed some books, and then left. Nothing special. We were there for about 10 or 20 minutes.”

            “What drinks did you have? Any food?” Why is he asking this? Is he genuinely interested in what I drank or ate?

            “I… had a skim caramel latte… I didn’t have any food.” He nods as if this is actually interesting to him and asks more.

            “What is your favourite drink, as in alcoholic drink?” So this is where it was heading, he’s probably going to go into what I even do at bars since I’m underage. I don’t want him to think of me as a kid with stupid ‘daddy issues’ that just goes and gets drunk and lets someone do whatever they want to me, even though that is basically what I am like.

            “It’s bourbon and coke.” A nod once again.

            “And how many of those do you need to drink to get drunk?” His tone of voice and facial features took a sudden change for the worse. Now, he’s more serious, disappointed if anything. Great, just what I was hoping for; more people to be disgraced by me.

            “I don’t fucking know, but hey, I don’t usually have those when I plan to get drunk because I’m sure you’d know that they aren’t that strong. I usually just let any man that is willing to buy me a drink get me whatever he wants, and usually, that’s the strong shit. Do you want to know what else I let them do to me? Or anything else I might take while I’m there?” He’s glaring at me now from my outburst, but I don’t flinch away, instead I glare right back at him. How dare he, he has no right to ask me these questions as if I’m in the wrong and destroying the world as I do so.

            “No, I’d prefer not to know what you do-” I cut him off before he can finish.

            “Then why the fuck are you even asking me these questions? Do you think of me as such a shitty, worthless kid that doesn’t know what he’s getting into? Of course I fucking know, and you know what, asshole? I like doing it; I like someone else other than my dad’s hands touching me in those ways. I prefer some stranger to have their way with me and imprint their touch into my mind to override his touches. Ok?! Fuck you.” In my blind rage, I don’t actually realise what I was saying to Levi, but I can’t take it back now.

            My head is down, not wanting to make any form of eye contact with Levi, disgusted in myself for saying that, yet the anger at Levi is the main thing at the top of my mind. My body is buzzing with rage, my fists clenched yet shaking at the sides of my thighs, resting on the couch, and as per usual, tears are fogging up my vision, but I can’t let Levi see them, he’d think I’m weak, just like the child that I am. I never knew why I’d tear up when I get angry, it just happens. It’s not that I’m sad, just overly enraged.

            “Eren-”

            “I should go.”

            “No, Eren, just listen to me, ok?” I don’t make any form of movement or sound, but that’s a good enough reply to show that I will listen and stay. “I wasn’t sure as to why you were going to bars and drinking yourself crazy then letting some guy that you don’t know have their way with you. I didn’t know about your dad, and I’m sorry that you had to endure such a horrid thing. I was concerned because out of all things, I don’t want you to become an alcoholic or drug addict. That shit is nasty and fucking awful to come out of.

            “I don’t think of you as a child, I think of you as a broken person. Someone that needs help, and you are getting help, from Hanji. You’re a smart kid, Eren, and you have good people around you. Don’t choose to head into the bad crowd. You’ll fuck yourself over.” He speaks in a calm tone, making himself sound as though he’s just trying to help as well. We sit there for a few minutes in silence, Levi waiting for any reply from me before making any other comments.

            “I’m sorry for my outburst.” As a child, my mum had told me to always say sorry after an outburst. I’ve always had a problem with my anger, not exactly knowing how to control it as well as I should, but I have always remembered to apologise afterwards now. I don’t want to disappoint my mum.

            “That’s fine, Eren. Did you want to tell me anymore? What’s happened in your life to make you do all these things. How is your dad like?” Should I tell him? I don’t want to bother him with my ‘oh so tragic’ life story. He may have asked but still, does he really want to know such a shitty story.

            “I don’t want to bother you with it.”

            “Eren, it’s fine. But if you don’t want to say then that’s fine.” I’ll tell him. He’s an adult. He’s preobably seen his fair share of shit in the world, especially in his line of work.

            “Ok, it all started when I was born.” I chuckle and Levi gives me an ‘are you serious’ look and I continue. “I’m joking. It started when I was 10. I had woken up to my parents… fighting.” This was a bad idea, my breath catches at the memories, but I told Levi I’d tell him, so I’m just going to push through it. “They were in the kitchen, I had walked in and saw my dad… beating up my mum. “My voice had gone quiet at the end, knowing in my head that that’s not all he was doing, but I’m sure Levi doesn’t want to know every little detail. I had told him to stop, but he had thrown me against away and continued. My mum had told me to leave and so I went back to my room. I hadn’t been able to get back to sleep, and so I heard my dad kill my mum.

            “After that, my dad had never been the same. He had started with me instead. Beating me up and then eventually that had led to t-touching me as well. It was at the beginning of this year that, with the help of Mikasa and Armin, we had put him in jail. So now I’m living with Mikasa.” There’s my tragic story out. Levi was listening intently throughout it all, but I don’t know what expression he had since I had kept my own head down.

            “You really have been given a shitty hand in life, haven’t you?” I nod, not really knowing what else to say to that. “And you cope with this by seeking out other’s touches and self-harm.” Flinching backwards slightly, I nod once again, keeping my head down still. Levi lets out a sigh and stands up, walking over to his kitchen. “Did you want anything to eat? It’s around lunchtime now isn’t it?” Although his voice hasn’t changed all too much, he does manage to change the atmosphere of the room from straining to somewhat easy. I had felt like I was being interrogated before.

            “Uh, sure, what’re you having?” I turn on the couch to face him and see him looking through his fridge.

            “Well, I haven’t been shopping recently, sorry, but I do have enough ingredients for a sandwich. I have bread, butter, mayonnaise, ham, cheese amongst a few other things, did you want to come and have a look or would you prefer something else? We can go out if you’d like.” He steps back from the fridge after he finishes speaking, having spoken into the fridge to list off the items and now is standing to the side with the door still open and facing me instead. I walk up to him, having been asked to, and look into his fridge to see all that he has.

            He has what he had said and also has a jar of small pickled cucumbers. They are one of my favourite foods to eat. I have been known to eat them straight out of the jar just as a small snack. They’re very nostalgic though and Mikasa’s family doesn’t have them at all, so I haven’t had any since my mum had passed, her being the one that bought them in my family.

            “See anything that you’d like? You can have anything.” I can feel the excitement lighting up inside of me at the aspect of being able to eat my long-time favourite food  and turn to Levi with a sincerely joy-filled face.

            “Can I have some pickled cucumbers please?” He stares at me for a few moments before his face completely softens.

            “You like them too, huh? They’re one of my favourites. You’re lucky I replenish them whenever I run low.” He grabs the jar out along with the mayonnaise, ham and cheese and closes the fridge, going to place them on the kitchen bench and then turning to me. “Did you want them on a sandwich or by themselves? Actually no, you’re having a proper meal. I’ll put them on a sandwich for you. Do you like ham and cheese with mayo?” He’s smart in not giving me a choice; I would’ve taken them as is.

            “Yeah, that’s fine.” He goes about making our food, grabbing the loaf of bread and placing out 4 slices then going about the process of making a sandwich. He tells me to take a seat or just make myself comfortable instead of hovering around awkwardly and I make my way back over to the couch – it’s close enough to make conversation anyway.

            I pick up my forgotten cup of tea and am thankful that it’s still warm enough to drink appreciatively. Cold tea isn’t really my cup of tea. See what I did there? Hah, I’m so funny.

            It doesn’t take Levi long to make our sandwiches and once finished, he makes his way over with two plates and hands one to me, warning me that if I get any crumbs anywhere I’m going to have to clean it and get a castrating. Not wanting either of those to happen, I make sure to eat over the plate and not get any crumbs anywhere. I eat in serenity, having the delicious taste of the pickled cucumbers delight my taste buds. I’m honestly surprised that Levi even likes pickled cucumbers. It’s not a common food to have, or love for that matter.

            We eat in silence, each to their own. I feel as though I should say something, yet I don’t know what. I should at least thank him for the food. I do so and he replies that it was no problem and we continue the silence. Once I finished my sandwich, I realise that Levi has as well and I stand to take his and my plate to the sink to wash them but he beats me to it, saying to sit down and not worry about it since I am a guest in his house anyway. After he’d finished and had come back over, he starts up with the questions again.

            “So how do you know Mikasa? You must be close enough for them to take you in.” His question catches me off guard and I have to think about it for a moment. I wasn’t entirely sure how but I was sure enough of my answer.

            “My dad used to visit them a lot. I don’t know why, but he was a doctor, so it might’ve been some kind of medical reason. I went with him a few times and that’s how Mikasa and I got acquainted. We remained friends and got even closer, then after the incident with my mum and dad, her and my other friend were the only people there for me, through it all. They’d help any sores I’d acquired from him. I hadn’t told them that he touched me sexually until much later, perhaps last year or the year before that. Still, I had barely told them each time it’d happen, especially Mikasa. She’s very protective and gets too agitated, and I didn’t want her doing anything rash.” I don’t know why I tell him everything about me, I don’t even say all that I have to the people I call friends at school.

            “So you’ve known them since you were young. I can’t even remember the last time I saw them all.” He has a wistful demeanour over him but he pushes it back and goes back to his usual blank face as he speaks again. “How are they all doing?” He’s family after all, isn’t he? He’d like to know how they’re doing after Mikasa’s mum and since he probably hasn’t been updated on them for a while.

            “They’re doing pretty good, after everything that happened anyway. Mikasa’s getting better and so is her father. They’re getting out of their mourning slowly, but her dad is working a lot more.” Now that I think about it, he’s probably over-working himself. He’s leaving almost just as Mikasa and I get up, sometimes a little later, and is getting home much later than he used to. Levi’s facial expression changes though once I’d finished speaking and thinking over the facts I’d brought up. He looks utterly confused over what I had said.

            “What do you mean mourning?” He speaks slower this time, hoping that it isn’t what he’s thinking probably. I don’t mention Mikasa’s mum after all, so he might’ve made the connection but doesn’t want to believe it. Wasn’t he informed anyway? He’s her brother, right?

            “M-mikasa’s mum had passed. You… didn’t know?” Levi looks a bit taken aback; being overcome by such information. His own sister has passed and yet he didn’t know about it. He is good at keeping his emotions in check, even though I can tell he is having a battle inside.

            “I didn’t know about that, no. When did this happen?” I think back to it and remember that on the day of the funeral Mikasa and I had gone to the shops and had seen Levi and Principal Smith. She had passed a week prior to that day.

            “Remember when you saw Mikasa and me at the shops?” He nods and I continue. “Well she had passed a week prior to that. The day you saw us was the funeral day. I’m surprised that you weren’t told. You’re family, aren’t you?” He has a solemn look on his face and I quickly back track my words. “Um – I mean, you don’t have to-”

            “It’s fine. Don’t worry about it, Eren. It’s a shitty thing that happened in my family. Mine wasn’t quite as bad as what happened in yours though.” I remember him saying that he had been kicked out for being gay, is that what he’s referring to?

            “You said you had been kicked out for being gay…”

            “That’s… partly true I guess you could say. I was born into extreme poverty. Literally born to the streets. I had lived with my mother for the first perhaps 5 years of my life before she had succumbed to the starvation that was killing  her, then my uncle had taken me in. I was related to Mikasa’s mum by someone in my family. I think I was actually her cousin; our family is pretty fucked up in that sense. I was envious of her when we were growing up. She was born into a smart family that could actually save their money, spend it well and retain their jobs.

            “I was a pretty shitty kid growing up, but if you met my uncle, you’d understand why, still doesn’t excuse my behaviour though. I don’t resent him for it either way. He’s the reason I’m alive now and also for how I act unfortunately. He had dumped me though, leaving me in the middle of nowhere when I was 14 years old. That’s when I had dropped out of school too; they didn’t know where I went and I didn’t have the money or motivation to do so. I had nowhere else to go, so I just sat on the streets and stole what I could to survive.

“I had met Farlan when I was probably 15 then picked up Isabel at 16. She’s a year younger and Farlan is half a year older. We helped each other out before getting picked up by child services and dumped into an orphanage. It was a shitty orphanage in the poor side of town and none of us liked it in there, but it was somewhat a safe-haven; a place where we could eat and have a roof over our heads. We got education out of it too since they sent us to school.

“We had been there for only a few weeks before I had been asked for adoption; don’t ask me what drug they were on to have the idea that I’d be a good choice for adoption over those two because I have no fucking clue. I didn’t want to leave them, we were practically family after all, but they told me to go so I could have a better life, so I did. What a fucking mistake that shit was. This is where the homophobia comes in.

“I was old enough already to be kicked out onto the street instead of back into the orphanage. I had decided to tell them what my preference was – I’m not gay, I’m actually pansexual, but I still wanted to say that I had a fancy for guys since that is what I prefer – and they hated that. They had told me to stop lying to get their attention, but I was adamant about it. So they told me to piss off until I change my homosexual ways. Of course I didn’t and I ended up staying with Erwin – you’re principal – until I could get back on my feet. I’ve been working at the club ever since and that was my source of income.” He ends on a tone of indication that he’d finished and I take in everything that he’d said. I wasn’t expecting him to say all that. He didn’t need to and I feel bad now for making him have to remember all that and tell me. He probably didn’t even want to; had probably only said it to appease me. Shit.

            “I’m sorry. You didn’t have to say all that. I’m sure you didn’t want to.”

            “Eren, I can assure that I’m fine with it. I only do what I like, I don’t do something just to make someone happy or to purposely insult them. I only do something if I want to.” He gives me a serious look, daring me to oppose what he said. I have no idea what to say though, so instead I ask him about.

            “What was your mother like, if you remember and don’t mine my asking?” I really hope I’m not crossing the line with this, but I have no idea what else to say and I feel as though I need to say at least _something_. This probably wasn’t the smartest question though since it could trigger memories possibly.

            “I don’t exactly remember her, I had been younger than 5 after all, but I remember her touch. We only had one bed and so we shared of course, and she gave the best hugs.” Levi likes hugs then? He doesn’t seem like the guy that would. He’s very a standoffish person, keeping to himself. “That doesn’t mean that I want hugs though, so don’t get any ideas.” I don’t know why but I’m disappointed at that. It must’ve shown on my face because Levi speaks up again. “Did you actually want to?”

            “No, no of course not. Why would you think that?” I’m lying through my teeth and I can feel it, but I don’t understand exactly why.

            “You had a disappointed look; your face is very expressive, you know that right?” Of course I fucking knew that, everyone can read straight through me. Luckily the only people that know the signs of me lying are Armin and Mikasa. “Anyway-”

            “Have you ever had sex?” I cut him off and I have no idea where this question even fucking came from. What the actual fuck, Eren. I flinch at my own words after I speak them and Levi’s eyes seem to have gone wider as well. Fuck.

            “No… why…?” He’s really confused and probably freaked out now. Well done, Eren. This is why you think before you fucking spurt whatever is on your mind.

            “I don’t even know why I asked that. Sorry.” Wait, he said he hasn’t; in his line of work? I wonder why; he said he’s pansexual with a preference for guys, so he’s not asexual, but why hasn’t he had sex? What did he have in mind when we were making out that one time? “How-”

            “I just haven’t been around.” He cuts me off and I feel extremely apologetic for even bringing it up; even more than I had before. Fucking hell, Eren. “I’m not mad at you for asking, so don’t get your panties in a twist over it. I’ve sucked plenty of dick, just haven’t done any penetrating on either ends. Just haven’t tried to go that far myself and neither have the people that I have been with.” I’m honestly flabbergasted at that information; no one had tried to go further with him? The people I’ve been with _only_ had that on their minds.

            “Have you wanted to go further though?” I’m honestly so interested in this now.

            “I… haven’t wanted to while in that position, but I’ve of course imagined doing so. I’m not entirely sure of what to do either to make sure it’s actually pleasurable. Sure I’ve heard other people talk about it all, and I know _what_ to do, I just don’t know how to do it so that it’s only pleasurable.” I’ve never had it truly be pleasurable, so we both have that in common, but is it possible to actually be good? I voice this out and he replies in a tone that screams ‘are you stupid?’. “Of course it can be, from what I’ve been told at least. I mean, why would you go back for more if it wasn’t?” He has a point, but I did go back for more and at remembering this, Levi corrects himself. “Apart from your case of course.”

            “I’ve never had it be pleasurable of course, so I don’t actually know how…” We could look it up together perhaps… I look up at Levi and I think he has the same idea. “Did you want to look it up?”

            “Yes. I’ll go get my laptop, one second.” He goes to get his laptop from wherever it was and I remain on the couch bubbling with excitement for some weird reason. He comes back with his laptop in hand – it’s a windows HP, sleek and without a single mark – and he sits down next to me, close enough so that I can see the screen without needing to lean over him; so basically we’re thigh to thigh, shoulder to shoulder. He opens up the screen, turns it on and waits for it to load before logging in and bringing up chrome. “Ok, so let’s see what we can find…” He types in ‘how to have gay sex’ in the search engine and we look over the results that show up.

            He clicks on the third option that says ‘How to have gay anal sex’ and we look over that page. This is actually hilarious and I can’t stop the giggles that erupt from my chest. “Oh, Levi this is great. They have hot guys even modelling for it.” The laughter bubbles out and I clutch at my stomach. I bring my legs up on the couch and fold them sideways so I lean against Levi and read it better. Levi had a smile on his face as well at the greatness of this page and continues to scroll down, reading each part.

            “This shit is great. It explains what to do and everything. Gotta clean your ass, relax the fucker up and know which angle to go in. This is fucking brilliant.” The images used are, of course, of very attractive men and I can feel myself stirring at the thought of getting penetrated, especially when the gifs of men making out show up. I shift a little when I feel the tell-tale signs of arousal course through my lower abdomen. Such a great feeling, but not appropriate for right now.

            “Oh shit that’s hilarious.” We scroll to the point of where the words ‘It’s time for you to… SUBMIT to a man’ show up over a picture of a man giving a seductive look to the camera and I crack up laughing once again, this time Levi joins in as well and we have a moment to just erupt with laughter and take time to let the giggles subside.

            “What the fuck even. This page is great.” He says and continues to read with interest and pulls the laptop closer to himself, fidgeting slightly on his spot. Oh fuck, this is great. The next part is even greater than the picture. Two boxes are next to each other and it asks above them ‘which category are you in?’ and one box has ‘you’re too afraid to try’ and the other says ‘you tried and it hurt like hell’. This is actually great. I guess Levi and I relate to each box, Levi being too afraid and myself being tried and hurt. We read over it all and the rest of the page and I have to say, it was actually really useful. “That was great. Did you want to try it, Eren?” I was _not_ expecting that. I might have been hoping for it, but didn’t think that Levi would actually offer it up.

            “Are you sure you’d want your first time with me?” He gives me a peculiar look before responding.

            “Well, you’ve never had it be enjoyable, I’ve never experienced it at all, and you’re here and I wouldn’t mind doing it with you. You’re attractive and kind-hearted. I don’t see why not.” That was surprisingly kind and actually made me feel good for once.

            “Ok then sure, why not?”

            “Great. So, I don’t actually have any of the necessary items, so we’re going to have to go shopping.” I nod and we both get up, Levi placing his laptop down on the coffee table and we both make our way to the door to put on our shoes and go. We both seem to be in an unspoken agreement to rush, both just as excited as the other. This is going to be great.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! The next chapter and it’s on time! Yay! I’m actually pretty excited to post the next one which I’ve already written. Leave a like and or comment on what you think or if there are any errors. Thank you!


	21. Learning To Experiment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Smut ensues, but not everything always goes the way you thought, neither does it go entirely smoothly.

            My body is buzzing in excitement and as I look to Levi, he’s more pumped up than usual. We’re about to go to the convenience store to grab condoms and lube and are at the foyer of Levi’s apartment. He grabs his keys and wallet in passing the table in passing to the front door and we rush out the door, down the steps of the apartment building and into his car. “Ok, so there’s a convenience store not too far from here, so we’ll go there, ok?” He speaks while turning on the car and exiting out of the roadside parking space. I nod even though he probably can’t see me but from my silence and excited aura he probably gets the point anyway.

            It doesn’t take long to get there, at most a 5 minute drive, and once parked we both rush out of the car and inside, sticking next to each other and searching for lube and condoms. We find them quickly, but there’s a big range of them. Flavoured condoms which I never knew existed, along with flavoured lube.

            “I have no idea what to get. Why are there so many?” He seems so confused and slightly exasperated and I swoop in to save his sorry ass.

            “Just choose the simple shit that’s cheap. We don’t need anything fancy. Do you have any lube at your place at least?” He shakes his head and I continue. “Then we should get a large one or two small ones, it was saying that lube is basically your best friend in this, so might as well get plenty.” He nods this time and grabs a large, fairly priced bottle of lube and a normal box of condoms and we both make our way over to the checkout counter. That’s when I realised I don’t have my wallet on me to help pay.

            I tug on Levi’s sleeve while we’re waiting behind the only person in line and tell him my situation but he turns me down. “Eren, why would I make you help to pay? It’s fine, it’s on me.” I don’t want to leave it at that so I tell him that I’ll just pay him back later and he tells me to even try but leaves it at that. Once we’d paid, the checkout person not giving us any weird looks thankfully, we make our way back to his car and practically jump in, excited for the upcoming experience.

            Driving back to Levi’s apartment, I’m practically buzzing in my seat and looking over at Levi, he looks to be in a similar position and once he’s parked again we both almost run to the front door. Levi rushes with his keys, almost dropping them in his haste from only have one hand – the other holding the bag – but once he gets it open we rush in, take off our shoes – more like throw off – and he leads us to his bedroom. Setting the bag down on the bed, we both sit down and look to each other. Levi is the one to speak up.

            “So, how do we start?”

            “Foreplay first?” I’ve fantasised about doing this with Levi again multiple times, he doesn’t need to know that though, and anyway, my idea is necessary to get into the mood anyway. He nods to my idea and we close in, Levi grabbing a fistful of my hair and pulling me towards him so I’m lying on top of his body. He seems to have a thing for hair tugging and I have absolutely no qualms about it, it turns me on honestly.

            Our lips press together and it’s just like our first time, experienced and delicious. Levi really knows what he’s doing; it’s like a massage between our lips. Levi bites my lower lip every now and then and licking my lips with his as he kisses. Levi’s obviously either really experienced or a natural, but I feel inadequate compared to his amazing skill. What if he isn’t having as great experience as I am?

            His hands move from my hair down my body and that’s when the fear kicks in. I don’t do this sober, and this is exactly why – I’m in a right enough mind to know what I’m doing instead of going in practically blind. I’m not used to this at all. Involuntarily, my body freezes up and Levi can of course tell by the stiffening of my entire being and he stops, removing his hands.

            “Are you ok? Did you change your mind?” I lay there on top of him, not being able to move or speak. I don’t know what to do. When I was sober and felt these touches they were from my dad and they were very much unwelcome and even though the touch is very different – Levi’s hands are as large as his and they were very much welcomed – I still can’t control my automatic reactions to what I’d usually do in such a situation – freeze up and let it all happen while I go to my dark place inside my mind.

            I can’t respond to Levi, not in this state, especially now since everything is starting to blur and Levi’s worried voice is just a distant murmur in the back of my mind. I don’t notice Levi sitting up and moving me with him, placing me on the bed beside him in an upright position, the only thing I can focus on is the voice inside of my head that is panicking and saying to fight back or give in. The voice that is crying in pain at being reintroduced to his touch after finally being able to relax at the thought of not being in this position again.

            I can’t bring myself back to the present, can’t bring myself to feel or even take notice of Levi’s hand gently patting my hair, brushing his fingers through my strands. All I see is black blur even though the room is light, the sun still high in the sky outside.

            It takes a while, but I do eventually come back to the present. I’m still in Levi’s arms and he seems to have rested into a light, still aware sleep and I make a small move to see his face more clearly and he’s instantly completely awake and aware, looking at me with utmost concern overwhelming his face.

            “Are you ok? What happened? Was it too much? Did I hurt you?” He sounds so concerned but he can’t seriously care that much about me, he’s probably just afraid that Mikasa or Hanji would have his head for doing any possible damage to me. I’m not that fragile though.

            “I’m fine. Sorry, let’s continue?” He gives me a perplexed look and shakes his head.

            “No, you’re not ok. We don’t have to do this; you obviously won’t be able to.” He thinks I’m weak. He thinks I can’t do this simply because I froze up, I won’t this time though, I’ll control myself.         

            “Levi, I’ll be fine, it’s ok. Let’s just continue, yeah?” I move in to kiss him again and move my arm around as if to wrap around his shoulders but he moves away from me, not wanting to give in.

            “Eren, if you’re not going to be able to and just freeze up then I don’t want to push you. I don’t want your body to remember his touch again.” I’m not weak. Stop thinking of me as a fragile child that will break from a simple touch. _I’m not weak._

            “Levi, I can do this, let’s just continue. I’m not weak. Please.” I’m near begging now; I don’t want to back down. It’s more on pride now to continue than simply for the forecasted pleasure.

            “Are you entirely sure?” I nod and he concedes. We move in once again, but this time there’s a definite change, Levi is much gentler. I won’t put up with that though, I won’t break; I’m not weak. To make true of my thoughts, I push Levi down so I’m on top of him once again and kiss him with fervour, as we were before. I can do this, I won’t freeze up again; it’s not his touches. It’s Levi, not _him_.

            Trying to tell and show myself that everything is fine, I try and move us more along, to get Levi to touch me as he was before. I grind against him, my crotch being above his, and we both moan into each other’s mouth. Levi bites down on my lip and finally goes back to his true self, grabbing my head with both hands and fisting his hands in my hair, tugging me more forcefully onto his mouth and grinding up against me, starting a rhythm with our hips.

            It’s truly out of this world how amazing doing such an act with someone that wants to give pleasure to you feels like. It’s like the heavens have opened up and are bestowing you with the greatest, most gratifying experience. I match Levi in his movements, grinding down against him as he grinds upwards. I’m in between his legs and so I move so I’m straddling his waist, this gives me a better position to grind against him more successfully without being in an awkward position.

            One of his hands now moves down, this time hesitantly, remembering how it had affected me before but I’m not going to let it do so again. I grind down into him more, trying to urge on his hand, running down the middle of my back then over to my waist and then stopping on my hip, clutching me to him. His hand in my hair clenches and unclenches, tugging and releasing, it’s a strangely pleasurable feeling that I never knew I’d like.

            We’re panting against each other now; desperately kissing whenever we can whilst we continue to grind our painful erections, now is probably the time to get onto more. First thing’s first: clothes. I lean back a little from his face to bring my hands to the hem of his shirt, moving more to sit on his crotch so I can grip it properly and pull it over his head, he does the same to me and we get back to kissing, this time though, he pulls me in more with a hand to the back of my neck and kisses, licks and bites all over the now exposed skin.

            Whoever thought of the idea of biting is a sexual _genius_. If I wasn’t already this hard, I would have, without a doubt, sprung a full hard-on in no time, luckily I’m good at holding in my orgasm otherwise that would’ve exploded all through my pants and underwear. I writhe against Levi and moan with each bite and lick he does to my sensitive skin. Nothing could have prepared me for his ministrations.

            I have to return his touches though to the most of my power, so I roam my hands where I can fit them, managing to fit them between our chests. I map his broad shoulders, chest and sides, not going down any further because it’d make me have to lean too far for him to be able to continue.

            He moans at my touches and instead just licks and kisses over the skin he can reach. He decides to flip us though, and so in a flash of skin and bedding, I now feel my back to the bed with him between my legs. Now he has more room to kiss, bite and lick to his heart’s content and he takes that to his advantage. Instead of sticking strictly to my neck this time, he goes down the middle of my chest, sucking and biting as he goes down, no doubt leaving a trail of bright red hickies and bite marks. That’s going to be fun to see later.

            He trails down my snail’s trail until he gets to the hem of my pants, stopping to kiss around my hipbones that jut out just above the material. He must usually be this much of a tease with his other partners because this is too much for my sensitive senses. Not having received so much pleasure is really getting to me, my erection is pressing against my jeans so bad that it truly is painful.

            He sucks hickies onto my hipbones before trailing back over to the button of my jeans. His hands are on the outside of my thighs, more on my hips and he squeezes and massages them, my hands however, are awkwardly raised above Levi’s head. I have an idea what to do with them – put them in Levi’s hair – but how do I know if he’d actually be ok with that? Instead, I place them over my face, succumbing to the fact that I’m going to be a whimpering mess while Levi has his gratifying way with me.

            Finally – _finally –_ he unbuttons my jeans, letting up some of the pressure on my cock but, as the apparent tease he is, he slowly – _agonisingly slowly_ – pulls them down, dragging over my cock in the most over sensitising way that is painful and I hiss out, not expecting to feel such pleasure and pain mixed together. My head rolls back from where it had been previously turned towards Levi, watching him perform his magic, and now my eyes are squeezed shut, practically rolled back into my head.

            Levi manages to get my pants past my swollen cock – almost skinny jeans were a mistake to wear – and gets them down and off of me, he descends once again, this time mouthing at my cock through my boxer briefs. This is not fair at all. He knows I’m not used to all this pleasure right? A man can only hold back his orgasm for so long. I am actually writhing about on the bed now, squirming from side to side as Levi holds my hips down while he rolls his tongue over and around the outline of my cock.

            “L-levi, please, I’m gonna cum.” I moan out and move my hands down to his head to push him away, not caring if he doesn’t want me to, I will cum if he continues. He thankfully does stop yet the devilish smirk on his face is nearly enough to send me over. It’s not fair that he’s so attractive along with good with his mouth.

            He sits back and reaches over to grab the plastic bag, emptying it of its contents to the bed then throwing the bag away to the floor. I sit up as well, not as conscious of my body as I normally would be since Levi has seen and doesn’t care, but the underlying fear is still there, never retreating to its proper place of the black hole. I move to wrap my arms around Levi’s waist from behind and kiss at his back while my hands fumble with his pants button.

            Levi was reading the back of the box of condoms, probably not having put one on himself or another person before, I certainly haven’t so I’d be of no use in that compartment. After he’d finished reading that, he reads the back of the lube bottle as well. He finishes with it and turns around in my arms.

            “So, we have to use plenty of this and go slowly, you still up for it?” I nod my head and he smirks once again, gently pushing me back down on the bed like before. He kisses my lips before trailing them down my jaw and lower, trailing back over his previous bite marks back down to my crotch. This time though, he actually pulls down my underwear, tugging the waistband with his fingers and keeping it tight to my body so that it rubs excruciatingly over my cock, causing me to jolt and whimper. After he gets the article off and onto the floor with my jeans and our shirts, he hesitates. “Uh, what-what position? How do we do this part?” He’s asking me because I should know this, but I don’t I’d always been facing away from the men I let use me, and they had definitely never prepared me properly.

            “I have no idea. Uh, it’ll probably be more comfortable for me to be on my back.” I don’t want to face away from him, not only do I not want to be in the same position I’m in when being used, but the constant reminder that it’s Levi settles me down. “I’ll need to, um, s-spread my legs so you can actually get to my ass.” This is more awkward than I thought it’d be. After speaking the idea, my face heats up and I note that Levi’s does as well. Having to spread myself for Levi is going to be quite a feat.

            “You’re clean, right?” Shit, the one step we skipped. I’m positive I’m clean though; I’d had a shower before coming here and had relieved myself completely. I nod in reply and he takes a deep breath to console himself of what he’s about to have to do – stick practically half his hand up my ass, aka the poop chute.

            He gets off the bed to remove his own pants, unfortunately leaving his underwear on and teasing me with the delicious outline of his hard cock and I can see the perfect outline of his piercings, so beautiful. He kneels back on the bed and takes the lube into his hands, squeezing some out onto his index and middle finger and rubbing it between then and his thumb. He looks over to me and I can see the slight fear and definite hesitation on his face, I completely understand how he feels because I am in much the same position.

            He moves closer so he’s between my already normally spread legs and I lift and spread them more for him. He stares for a bit at first before leaning in and reaching over to place his first touch against my asshole. I’m not shaved like he is, and accompanied with my German and Turkish background, I’m a fairly hairy guy, more so actually for some reason. I do get self-conscious from that, worried that it’d put Levi off, but he seems to pay no heed to it, continuing on his tentative touches.

            His touch is bordering on ticklish at how light it is and I voice this out to him. Taking on my word, he presses firmer and swirls around the rim of my entrance. He massages it and at first it feels extremely strange and weird. It’s a different sensation when someone else is doing it, more ticklish of course, but also more pleasurable and strange at the same time.

            He starts probing with one finger after constant massaging and it is an even stranger feeling. It’s like – it’s literally someone trying to shove something up where stuff is supposed to come out. It’s very strange. I know I’m used to it and all, but I was off my face those times, and the other times I had been in my dark place, so I don’t remember it all. He manages to get his finger in to the first knuckle, but it’s still difficult to get it in.

            “Eren, I need you to relax more, you’re squeezing around my finger too much.” I didn’t even realise that I had not only been overly tense, but my legs were also clenching Levi’s sides and my eyes were shut tight. At his words though, I stop the clenching of my thighs, open my eyes, take a deep breath to console myself and relax my body, remembering what the page had said. “That’s it; you’re doing so well, Eren.”

            I moan out load at Levi’s praise. Was that supposed to turn me on as much as it did? Shit, my dick – that had slowly started to soften – bobbed at Levi’s words and I do my best to relax even further to try and get more out of Levi. I press my ass down a bit to try and get his finger in more and I open my mouth in a silent gasp as I feel his finger slip in more.

            “That’s it, Eren; wow, your ass just sucked my finger in. Well done, Eren.” He gives me a small smile and I give a dopey grin back to him, my body thrumming in pleasure at being praised. He wriggles his finger inside of me and I squirm a bit at the strange sensation. I know what’s going to happen next; to properly prepare me he needs to get two fingers in the stretch me out, then a third so that I’m prepared to the best I can be. “Ok, I’m going to put the next one in, you still ok?” I nod at him and he retracts his hand to get more lube; seems like we will be using a lot of it, luckily we got a large bottle.

            Fingers now royally covered in lube, Levi goes back to probing at my ass, this time with two fingers. This is where the legitimate discomfort is. It’s still very much a weird feeling, but it’s also bordering on painful and I can’t help the fear that forces me to tense. Levi stops his probing, not being able to at how tight I had just squeezed, completely blocking off any possibility of entering.

            “Eren, you sure you want to continue? I can bottom if you’d prefer?” No, I’m not weak. I can do this. I have to push through it. I tell him I’m fine and to continue and he gives me a wary look before doing so. I relax as much as I can for him and it’s enough for him to get his first finger in with a squeeze then slowly start to push his second in. There’s a lot of finger wiggling and praises mixed with asks to be more relaxed. I honestly do try my best, doing breathing exercises that Hanji had taught me and overall calming my body. If I don’t think about it, then my body should relax, right? “Eren, does it feel bad?” Oh. If I don’t think about it, then I can’t actually feel it either. The webpage had said that it does get pleasurable, so I’ll have to actually pay attention to what he’s doing.

            “It… it’s a strange feeling, slightly painful, but it’s not terrible, just the stretch.” I paid more attention to what was going on from then on and did my absolute best to stay relaxed. He manages to squeeze them both in and before he gets to the real stretching, he massages them around. I don’t even know what that feels like; it’s definitely very strange, but I’m not sure if it’s more pleasurable than weird or not.

            He slightly separates his fingers every now and then to loosen my ass more to prepare it for the real stretching – the scissoring. He’s still massaging my insides, and then he begins to actually spread his fingers when he talks to me. “This is going to be uncomfortable, tell me if it’s too much, ok?” I hum back in response and he continues.

            It’s actually not that bad. I’d expected it to hurt like all hell, but it does have a sense of pleasure, must be from all the massaging and care that Levi had done prior. He goes slowly at first and gradually spreads his fingers wider, getting to the point that he manages to slip in his third finger, getting more lube first of course since he’d start getting friction on his movements.

            He goes through this more quickly, but still takes his time in making sure to stretch me properly, not wanting to cause any pain later on. He massages my insides even more thoroughly now, pushing his fingers in as far as they can go and rubbing against my walls. He does this for a while, and by the look on his face, he seems very concentrated on what he’s doing, and then, I get the realisation in the form of a shocking pleasure filled touch that racks through my entire body, ripping a moan out of my mouth.

            “Wha-what the fuck was that. Fuck, do it again.” I hear him chuckle but all I can pay attention to the glorious feeling that sent pure bliss through my entire being. He presses around again until he finds the pleasure button and massages it, sending shock after shock filled pleasure that has me moaning and groaning and writhing against the bed, my legs clenching and unclenching around him.

           “Well, now I see how good it feels to have your prostate touched.” That’s right, the prostate, the webpage we read said something about it being the penis person’s g-spot or something, much like a vagina has one. Well, I fucking love it. “Do you want to move on or do this for a bit more?” If his dick can give me more pleasure by doing that, I am more than ready for more. I nod for him to do more and he takes his fingers out so he can take off his own underwear. I groan when he takes his fingers out, missing the feeling already.

            Wow, I actually miss the feel of his fingers, that’s such great progress, well done, Eren. Levi has his underwear off now and has a condom in his hand, trying his best to open it without damaging the condom in the process. He manages it, having to wipe his hands clean of the lube first, and kneels on the bed just staring at it.

            “I haven’t put one on before.” So that’s why he stopped; he’s not sure how to go about this. Neither am I, but together I’m sure we can work it out. I move over to Levi so I’m kneeling on my legs in front of him. I look up at him – he’s on his knees so he’s taller in this position – and give him a small smile, taking the condom from his hands, inspecting it, then placing the end that looks easier to place on over the tip of his dick.

            He gasps when I do so, not actually expecting me to do it for him probably, but I continue on and his fists clench at his sides, refraining from grabbing fistfuls of my hair most likely. I manage to roll it down his cock that had remained hard throughout his preparing of my ass. He must’ve loved doing that. I turn and grab the lube that managed to stay on the bed and pour some on my palm and stroke it over his cock, loving the feel of his heated, throbbing skin and the bump of his piercings. With his cock in my hand, I pull him towards me by it – gently mind you, don’t want to hurt him – and lean up to kiss his lips.

           “Please, put your dick inside of me already.” I whisper against his lips and bite his bottom lip, mashing our mouths together and letting his tongue enter my mouth. It’s messy and spit does manage to run out the corner of my mouth, but sex is messy and you’ve just got to live with it. I wrap my left arm around his neck – my other hand still around his cock and pumping it slowly – and place my hand at his nape to pull him even closer and slowly lean back so I’m lying down again with him leaning over me. I wrap my legs around his thighs and he shifts his hips closer to my ass.

            Letting go of his cock, he grabs the lube bottle one more time to get more and lather it over his cock and my ass – the webpage says lube is your absolute best friend, so there’s no way you could have enough of it – he readies himself at my entrance. He presses against my asshole and slowly presses in.

            The first initial stretch through the ring of my entrance is painful and I squeeze my eyes shut and clench the blanket in my hands, telling myself in my head that it’s Levi, _it’s Levi._ Realising I unconsciously tensed around him again, I relax and he manages to push in more. Slowly, inch by inch, he pushes in until he’s all out. I fell unbelievably full, can feel every inch of his throbbing heat inside of me, and I don’t know what to truly think of it. I’ve never felt this while in my right mind, so I’m unsure as to what to think.

            It’s still a strange feeling, and it is definitely somewhat painful, Levi is thick after all. I still remind myself that it’s not _him_ and relax my body further. We stay like that for a while until I feel like I am ready and look open up my eyes to Levi, to see him already looking at me with worried eyes.

            “You can continue.” He looks into my eyes a few moments longer before leaning forward to take my hands in his and bring them beside my head and lean further down to kiss me as he pulls out a little before sliding back in again. He does this all slowly, not wanting to cause any more pain than necessary. He runs his tongue over my bottom lip, my lips were parted so I could breathe easier and he takes that to his advantage, pushing his tongue through my lips and rubbing it around my mouth. I entertain him, joining in his ministrations and run my tongue along his, feeling his tongue piercing and moaning into his mouth. He has the piercings that make me go crazy: dick and tongue. Perfect.

            He continues to thrust slowly into me, but at my ask – moan – for more, he thrusts with a bit more strength. He’s stretched me enough now that it’s not so painful, but more of an uncomfortable feeling instead. It slowly starts getting better and is somewhat pleasurable. He starts thrusting faster and has to rest his forehead against mine to breathe properly now from the workout. I can feel his lower piercing – I don’t know the name of it, I’ll have to ask him after – rub against my asshole as he thrusts in and out, the feeling enhancing my pleasure.

            Levi grabs my lower back and lifts me up a bit so most of the pressure of my weight is resting on my shoulders, I don’t mind, but I wonder why he’d moved me into this position. Almost screaming out in pleasure, I realise why after a few experiment thrusts that were aimed for that one spot inside of me – my prostate.

            My legs clench around Levi’s waist – where they had moved to in his change of position – and he is forced to push in all the way as he lost his balance and almost fell on top of me.

            “Eren-”

            “D-do that again, please!” My eyes close again at the after-shock of pleasure and Levi does as I ask, trying to aim his thrusts for my prostate once again and once he finds it – me groaning out loud – he keeps his hips flush against my ass and grinds down, effectively rubbing against my prostate every now and then. The stimulation is out-of-this-world amazing. Words can’t describe the amount of pleasure that was racking my body, buzzing through my entire being and leaving me a moaning mess on Levi’s bed.

            “You sound so hot, Eren. Ah, fuck.” Levi groans out and it’s the most delicious sound. My cock has gotten hard again at Levi’s ministrations and words, having gone soft before at not getting any proper pleasure. Now, I’m over-filled with it. “Eren, fuck, your ass is just sucking me in, shit.” He moans and leans down to reach my mouth and kiss me, my hands moving up to fist at his hair to hold him in place and his own, being wrapped around my legs, squeeze at the outer flesh of my thighs, massaging and rubbing them.

            Shit, it feels so good. This is what the website was meaning when it is possible for it to actually feel good, amazing even. Levi and I pant against each other, his forehead now resting on mine so we can breathe as he thrusts into me with fervour now, the grinding not quite being enough for him. Luckily though, he manages to brush and sometimes even thrust straight into my prostate, keeping my body livid with absolute delight.

            “Fuck, Eren, I’m close. Do you – hah – do you want me to touch you?” Shit, if he touches me it’ll be too much. I shake my head against his and he understands, not touching me. His thrusts become sloppy, but he still manages to hit my prostate, I can feel my balls tightening anyway, so Levi won’t need to touch me at all. With a few more hard and well-aimed thrusts, Levi’s thighs tense against the backs of mine and he groans, his head dipping down to my neck and he pants against my feverish skin.

            He rides his orgasm out, doing his best to rub against my prostate and with just a few more ruts, my body tenses and spasms, my cock throbbing and spurting the most cum I’ve ever sprayed. It shoots like crazy, going as far as the head board behind me and my dick bounces with each spurt, my body shaking from the amazing satisfaction of such an orgasm. What the ever-living fuck even _was_ that. Fuck.

            In the aftershocks of my _mouth watering_ orgasm, and Levi’s, he lays against me and we both are messily panting for breath. Levi doesn’t pay any mind to the mass of cum coating my chest and naval, simply putting up with the sticky mess for the time being. My body is still thrumming and every now and then my leg or arm involuntarily spasms. I’m honestly surprised I didn’t pass out.

            I can’t even speak. Not only is my lack of breath a cause, but I’m sure that if I did have the breath and tried, it’d just come out in a jumbled, post-orgasm mess. That wasn’t even an orgasm; it was more like an explosion. Fuck. Words seriously cannot explain it any more than that.

            “Shit, Eren. Did that feel good?” He leans up on his elbows and gives me a smirk, sarcasm evident in his voice. I can’t even nod my head I’m so out of it though, so I just lay there and give him a dopey smile. He gives a kiss to my smiling lips and detaches himself from my limbs, grimacing at the mess that now travelled to his own stomach from mine.

            He moves off the bed, leaving my exhausted body there to go into his adjoining bathroom. He returns without his condom, most likely having tied it off and thrown in the bin and with a wet washcloth and cleans up his and my stomach and wherever else my cum managed to reach, the headboard being a good example. Once he’d finished cleaning up the mess, he throws the towel to the floor and climbs back onto the bed, lying down beside me.

            “Did you want to have a shower and rest for a bit before having something to eat?” I’ve calmed down enough to try and speak and, although weak, I do manage to.

            “Yeah, sure. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to stand though, I can’t really feel my legs. At all.” He smirks again and chuckles a bit.

            “That’s fine, I can help you stand. I just really need a shower and to clean these sheets, they’re filthy.” I’m not as bothered about the state of my hygiene at the moment, but if Levi is bothered by it, then I can’t really say no, can I? It is Levi’s home after all. I nod and he sits back up and I bring my arms in so I can try and lift myself up as well. My arms are unnaturally weak, but I manage after a lot of willpower. I swing my legs over the edge of the bed and, with the support of Levi whom had walked around to my side, I managed to stand up and Levi helped me walk over to the bathroom.

            We take a shower together, Levi doing most of the work of washing us both and then drying us off afterwards. He says that he’s just going to quickly take the sheets and our clothes to the wash and then change the sheets and I stand to the side as he does so, not wanting to get in the way. After he’s finally finished, he motions me over to lay down with him and I’m more than happy to, glad that I’m finally able to rest my body.

            We lay down beside each other under the blankets and Levi pulls me in to rest my head under his chin. I don’t think anything of it, too tired to go against his move and simply let my eyes shut and breath even out. It’s not long before I’ve passed out in Levi’s arms, warm and completely sated.

            

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you guys enjoy it? Or was that a bit too prolonged, haha, oops. I got a bit carried away in describing and trying to make it seem more realistic than your normally rushed smut. Comment what you think or if there is anything that needs fixing and leave a like! Thank you!
> 
> Just in case anyone says anything about this being under-aged, I've gone by Australian law where the legal age of consent for sex is 16, so technically, it's not under-aged since Eren is 17.
> 
> Also, I'll be going on a 3 week hiatus as I'm going on a family holiday overseas. As soon as I get back, I will post the next chapter on the Friday that comes up. Thank you!


	22. Learning To Relax

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren just doesn’t get a break.

            Yet again, I don’t know where I am, but the blissful feeling that overpowers my body and senses is very different to what I’d usually experience in this situation. There’s a warmth engulfing my body in the form of arms around my shoulders and waist, my front being pressed up against the source of said warmth.

            I open my eyes to try and assess my situation, but they open to darkness with some light seeping through, my face apparently pressed against the source of warmth that is breathing I realise. _I’ve fallen asleep with someone._ I try and recall my memories and realise that I’m at Levi’s and we had mind blowing sex. Fuck. What the fuck will Mikasa think of this? I fucked her uncle, or whoever he is to her. What will Hanji think? Principal Smith? I fucked their friend.

            Shit, this is not going to end well. Why did I think this was a good idea in the first place? I know I wasn’t off my face, we had both decided to give each other pleasure since I’d never felt such a thing, and Levi was a virgin in that sense. What the fuck is wrong with me though? Actually going along with it? It was amazing though, I can’t deny that, but, _why?_

            In my haze of worry, my body had tensed and my breathing had start coming out harder, unknowingly alerting Levi that not only was I awake, but something was also wrong, although I wouldn’t take it that far as to actually admit to such a thing. His arm that was over the top of me, the one going around my waist, moved so that his hand was on my waist and he moved away from my body.

            “Eren? Are you alright?” Shit, now he’s focused on me. Fuck, fuck, shit.

            “Yeah, I’m fine.” My head is still pressed where it was when I woke, on Levi’s chest, but now it’s more just hidden between us, not wanting to be seen. Levi’s hand moves from my waist to my chin, trying to get me to look at him with a slight pressure, but I don’t want to, so I refuse.

            “Eren, please look at me. What’s come over you all of a sudden? You-you regret what we did, don’t you?” His voice was tinged with worry at first, then after a paused, his statement came out awfully cold-hearted. I don’t want to give in, but at his tone, I can’t help but to look at whatever expression he has on his face.

            His facial features show that of annoyance and I can’t understand why. He has no right to be annoyed at me for regretting what we did, how dare he! I sit up in a flash, rage flashing hot through my body, spurring on my actions. “So what if I regret what we did! You’re my friend’s family and my principal’s and psychiatrist’s friend!” He glares at me and I return his look dead on, not backing down from a fight.

            “There’s nothing wrong with it, they wouldn’t find out anyway. I’m sure Hanji and Erwin wouldn’t give a fuck about it. Mikasa can get over it if she does happen to find out. But she won’t find out, will she?” He fixes me with an intimidating look, daring me to disagree with him. Scowling, I snap back at him.

            “Sure they wouldn’t, you only fucked a kid still in school, yeah that’s fine. You only fucked their student and patient.” I wave my arms about to emphasise how absurd this is.

            “Fine, if you regret it so much, then you can just leave. I’m sure you wouldn’t want to be here since you detest what we did so much.” He’s downright practically growling out his words. I can’t leave yet though, my clothes are still in the wash most likely. Instead, I do the next best thing I can: storm off into the bathroom to console myself.

            I don’t look back to see Levi’s reaction, quite frankly, I don’t care what he says or thinks. Sure, I’ve just shut myself in _his_ bathroom, but that’s not important right now. What’s important, is how _fucked_ I am. Sitting down against the door, my bare ass hitting the tiled flooring – I forgot that I had no clothes on at all – I berate myself for what just happened.

 I’ve completely just fucked everything up. I yelled at Levi in his own house, made him feel bad for what we did and most likely make him think that I think of him as disgusting for what happened, but fuck if that’s not true at all. I love what we did; it was one of the best experiences of my life, definitely in the top 5 at least. There’re not many things I do remember doing, but most of the top involve my mum. The others are with Mikasa and Armin.

            Fuck, what have I even done? What the actual fuck is actually wrong with me? What the fuck will Hanji think? I fucked their best friend as it seems. They’ll be fucking disgusted with me. They already know I fuck strangers, now I’ve taken to fucking their friends as well. Job well done, Eren.

            Principal Smith would expel me from the school if he ever found out. I already cause him enough trouble in constantly having been sent to his office in the past for fighting with Jean. Fuck. How the fuck am I going to come back from this? Made no fucking progress at all, and if I somehow managed to, then that’s just completely fucked over now.

            Fuck, I need to apologise to Levi. I can’t leave him like that. My breathing is still hard; I can’t go out like this. I need to calm myself more, do the exercises that Hanji had taught me. Breathe in to 10, and then out for 10. Calm the mind, think happy thoughts; thinking of times with my mum doesn’t work, since it leads me to anger at my dad, followed by anxiety at his actions. What works, is recent times with Aysen and Mikasa, Mikasa and Armin; times that I can’t connect with anguish or fear.

            It takes a while, but I do manage to calm myself down enough that I deem myself able to communicate properly without fighting or any form of anguish. Standing from my spot against the door, I stretch my back, arms and legs out, being sore from sitting on the hard ground for so long, and turn to open the door behind me and head back into Levi’s bedroom.

            Entering, I realise that not only is Levi not in the room anymore, but the bed has been made, and everything looks as though no one has even touched the room. Levi really does have a thing for cleanliness it seems, and he expresses that well in his amazing ability to clean up.

            I make my way out of the room, not paying heed to my lack of clothes, Levi took my clothes to clean and didn’t offer me any others, I wouldn’t feel right going through his clothes and taking something myself. I make my way to the kitchen and that’s where I see Levi, dressed and sitting with a steaming cup of tea. He doesn’t look up when I enter, neither when I approach him nor go to stand next to him.

            “Levi…” How do I go about this? I’ve not been in this situation before, having to apologise for regretting an act of sex to the person involved. He still doesn’t make any movement to show he’s heard me, but I don’t know how to continue. I need to try though. “I’m sorry for my outburst.” I keep my head down as I speak to him, not daring to meet his eyes, too ashamed of myself for my actions. He lets out a quite yet deep sigh before he sets his cup down and turns to me.

            “Eren, I understand why you’d be anxious about one of them finding out, but you don’t have to be.” That’s fine for him, he doesn’t understand how this could affect me; I need to keep my cool though, I can’t blow at him again. “Do you want some clothes, surely you’re cold?” I hadn’t noticed the drop in temperature, but at his mention, a shiver racks over my body and goose-bumps erupt over my skin.

            “Um, yes please.” I’m still scared to insult him again, so I remain with my head down as he leads me back to his room to pick out some clothes that would fit me. That reminds me that I had brought the clothes he had lent to me the other weekend, and that he still had my clothes. Perhaps he’d give me those. I’m right and see him pull out my shirt, pants, underwear and jumper from his cupboard.

            “Here’re your clothes that I washed by the way.” He hands them to me and I put them on, feeling better now that I have clothes on and am not flaunting my skin around.

            “I have your clothes in the bag I brought over too.” He nods and a smirk pulls at his lips.

            “So that’s what’s in there; I thought you were planning on staying the night without asking first.” He chuckles and manages to lighten the mood a bit. Yet for some reason, at hearing that he doesn’t want me staying the night, my chest constricts. I have no idea why that happened, but I don’t exactly want to know why, ever. “Don’t be so crestfallen, you can if you want.” Oh shit, fucking emotions flaunting themselves on my face, making me easy to read. Still, I am relieved at that and a small smile does force its way onto my mouth.

            “I don’t think that’d be a good idea though. I mean, why would you want me to stay the night with you?” Fuck, why do I spurt whatever comes to my mind? Fucking insecurities, fuck off.

            “Eren, I’ve told you on multiple occasions that I only do something if I want to, you don’t _have_ to stay.” Shit, now I’m annoying him with my constant asking if something is alright. What the fuck is wrong with you, Eren? “Just forget about it if it’s going to cause you a brain seizure.” Well that was a bit rude now, wasn’t it?

            “I’ll stay, it’s fine. It’s a bit late to head back now anyway.” He nods and walks around me and back into the open lounge-room, myself following behind him.

            “So, what do you want to have for dinner? I’m not sure if I have any food; actually I’m pretty sure I don’t have anything to be able to cook up a proper dinner. We’ll have to get take-out, is that alright?” I nod and he heads over to grab his phone from the kitchen bench. I stay standing in the lounge-room, not really knowing what to do with myself. “Eren, seriously, make yourself at home, it’s ok. Just don’t break anything or get anything dirty and you’re fine.” He says this as he clicks his phone on, checks something on the front screen and then looks up as he finishes speaking.

            “Take-out is fine.” I answer as I go to take a seat on the couch. Finally sitting, even after standing for so little, is a great relief on my legs and backside, still being fairly sore from earlier. I look around for a remote so that I can watch something on Levi’s TV. Levi obviously doesn’t roll in money, so his home and belongings are all what you’d expect someone that’s just making a living with a small amount of extra would own. His couches are old, probably second hand – I honestly prefer old couches since not only do they hold memories (preferably happy) but they’re also comfier.

            “The remote is here.” Levi says as he walks over and picks up the remote from in front of the TV. How he knew I was looking for it, I have no idea, but I’m glad he did and is now _sitting next to me, oh why._ He has another lounge, so why is he now sitting right next to me? I’m not entirely complaining, if anything I welcome his warmth, I just don’t understand why he is so willing to remain in my presence? “It’s only 5:32 as well, did you want to wait for food or order now?”

            “That means we slept for about 4 hours, right?” He nods and I slowly nod to myself, surprised that we had slept for so long. “I’m not too hungry anyway, so I don’t mind when you order food.” He once again nods and says that he’ll wait until about 6 and hands me the remote for the TV, saying that I can choose what to watch.

            What the fuck do I choose that he would possibly like? I’ve never watched TV with him, or seen anything with him. What if he hates what I put on? What if he thinks of me as a child, or a boring as shit person? Why is this such a difficult choice? _Just put something on, Eren._

            Ok that wasn’t just in my head. Looking over to Levi, who is by my right hand side, against the arm of the couch, he’s giving me a worried and slightly annoyed look, no doubt because of my lack of movement involving the TV. I haven’t even turned it on yet. Deciding that I should at least do that, I press the power button on the remote and the TV turns on, showing the news; how exciting.

            “I have Netflix if you want to watch something on there.” Netflix, oh the things I’ve heard about Netflix. Shows and movies galore, but watch out for ‘Netflix and chill’, because it’s secretly just code-word for lets hook-up under the impression that we’re going to watch something. I’m sure that Levi didn’t have that in mind, since we already hooked-up and said he wouldn’t do anything else unless I wanted to, so I’m in the clear.

            “Uh, yeah. Let’s see what’s on Netflix. Uh, how do I get it on?” He puts out his hand in a gesture to pass him the remote and I do so. Levi presses a few buttons, obviously having a smart TV – something I didn’t expect him to have, honestly – and brings up the Netflix app on his TV. He hands me back the remote once he’s finished, and leans back into the couch, leaning slightly towards me and I can’t help but do the same towards him.

            What can I say? I find comfort in the presence of him, I don’t know why exactly, but I do. Levi has been nothing but kind to me, I can’t begrudge him of that and not be kind back. I browse through Netflix, seeing if there were any good movies or shows on it since I myself haven’t actually gone through Netflix before.

            I don’t know if I should put a movie or show on though; if I put a movie on, we can watch that easily, but if I put a show on, then we’d probably cut off in the middle of a season. Decisions, decisions. I’ll just ask Levi what he wants to watch.

            “Did you have anything in mind to watch, Levi?” Ok, play it smooth, don’t seem desperate and ever-so-slightly terrified. He seems to think for a moment before speaking up again.

            “Well, there are a few that looked interesting, here, I’ll find them.” I put the remote in his palm and the amount of relief that washes over me is amazing. My body instantly sags and my breathing evens out; I hadn’t realised I’d been so tense, hopefully Levi didn’t realise either. “Ok, so I’ve wanted to watch this for a while now, but would you mind watching _Mulan_?” I’d never expect Levi to want to watch a kids’ movie, but I can never say no to Mulan. I reply that that’s fine and he selects it, making the movie play.

            He leans forward to set the remote on the coffee table before standing up, saying that he’s going to get some blankets and pillows. I… wasn’t expecting that. Levi really is full of surprises. He acts so nonchalant and disinterested, but once you’ve gotten past that wall, he’s actually a very thoughtful and sweet person. That’s why it’s important not to judge someone on their looks and demeanour from your first encounter, later on they could be the one person you were missing in your life, or the one you never needed.

            Levi eventually returns with a pile of pillows and blankets in his arms, almost piling high enough to cover his entire face, but he obviously flattened them so he could see. He make his way over and dumps the pile onto the couch beside me, some of them making their way to my lap and almost to the floor before I reach out and grab it.

            “Ok, so I just grabbed the quilt from my bed, so we’ll have to share that since I can’t be bothered getting another one. I also got the pillows from my bed as well. Make yourself comfortable, and share the quilt.” He plops down next to me after explaining, giving me a serious, hard look while speaking, being completely serious about sharing the blanket with him. I don’t want to be on the receiving end of his wrath, so I’m just going to gladly share with him.

            The movie had been paused while Levi left to grab the comfort, and so now he plays it and we settle down, arranging the pillows so we each had one and the blanket so that it was covering us both. It was a queen size, so there were no problems with that. The only problem that we did face, though, was that we weren’t entirely comfortable.

            Of course the easiest way to be in the most comfortable position with these sorts of comforts would be to lie down, but, with both of us on here, that would be fairly difficult unless we cuddled. This is going to be difficult. I don’t know how far I can go with Levi. I know we had sex and all, but is he ok with normal touches like hugs and cuddling and shit? Only one way to find out I guess…

            “Hey, Levi…?” His head twitches towards me, his eyes still on the TV, but I know he’s listening from that movement. “Um, did you want to lie down so it’s more comfortable? I mean, y-you don’t have to of course, it’d just be better since we wouldn’t have to-”

            “Yeah, sure. I was thinking to do that.” Oh good. That turned out better than I thought. How are we going to do this though? Who’s going to lie on top? I guess he should since his body is shorter, making it easier to fit. I lie down against the arm rest of the couch, the pillow Levi had given me being placed against the edge so my head would have a comfortable rest, and move the blanket so that Levi can come and lie on my chest.

            Staring at me with a blank face for a few moments, Levi eventually hesitantly moves along the couch to lie between my legs and onto my chest. Neither of us feels it as a sexual or romantic act, just strategic. It makes us both more comfortable. We’re chest to chest somewhat – Levi’s chest lying further down my body – with Levi’s head resting just under my chin and his hands placed near to his face. I wrap my arms around his middle to keep him in place and to keep us both warm, grabbing the blanket to put over the top of both of us.

            I never really saw myself getting into this position. If you had told me that I was going to end up with Levi snuggled into my chest while we watched Mulan on his couch, I’d have thought you’d gone crazy, yet here we are now. Every day with Levi brings a new surprise, and sometimes even new experiences. How deep, Eren; you should so become a poet.

            We continue like that as we watch the movie, Levi’s steady breathing on top of me as I hold him in my arms. We really were basically cuddling into each other. It was strangely pleasant. It wasn’t until Levi’s stomach rumbled did we actually move. Levi had gone still in my arms before looking up at my face and letting out a few chuckles.

            “Seems like it’s time to order some food.” I chuckle along with him and we both sit up, Levi grabbing the remote to pause the movie, then grabbing his mobile. “Did you have anything specific you’d like to eat?” I shake my head, saying that I wasn’t picky, and he asks if pizza was ok; to that I nodded. He smirks at my enthusiasm for the thought of pizza and unlocks his phone to call the pizza company.

            He must have their number saved or something because he manages to press call quickly and then has the phone up to his ear. Before he has someone answer though, he asks if I had any preferences, to which I said that I eat anything and he nods, going back to ordering when they answer. He doesn’t take long to order and give his details, ordering one vegetarian and one margarita pizza.

            Once finished, we go back to the couch, instead of lying down, I sit up against the arm rest and Levi slides in under my arm, resting against my side with the blanket surrounding us. I never knew he’d be up for such cuddling, but I’m most definitely not opposed to it, I greatly welcome it. Levi is a much welcomed warmth against my side, and his body is surprisingly soft, even with his muscle.

            The movie has almost finished by the time the pizza is delivered, having gone through most of the movie before we had ordered in the first place, and we pause it to collect and pay the deliverer then grab plates so that we could eat.

            “We’re not eating on the lounge; I’m not going to be picking off crumbs every time I sit on it.” I reply that that’s fine and we go to sit at his kitchen bench, bringing the TV remote along with me so we can watch while we eat. Levi opens the boxes and hands me a plate and we dig in, playing the movie again so we can eat and watch. We watch the remainder of the movie in silence that is broken by the occasional noise of eating or grabbing another piece and once the movie has finished, we finish off our food, eating only as much as we can without over-eating.

            I help Levi clean up the plates and pizza boxes, placing all the remaining pieces on a clean plate, wrapping it in cling-foil and putting it in the fridge. He cleans the plates, saying that I wouldn’t be able to clean to his standard anyway, and then shoos me off to the lounge room, telling me to choose another movie. Slight panic rushes through me yet again; I don’t know what to choose still, even if he had chosen Mulan. What if he doesn’t like _my_ choice?

            Either way, I do as he says, taking the remote with me and plonking myself down onto the couch, cuddling into the blanket to keep myself warm on this particularly cold night. I scroll through Netflix, not particularly looking for or _at_ anything displayed. Fuck. Would Levi want to watch another children’s movie? Or something more suited to adults? Fucking hell. I’ll just wait for him to come back. Sitting on the couch, looking at the TV numbly is what Levi sees when he walks back in.

            “You’re that incompetent to even choose a god damn movie to watch?” His tone is hard, yet not meant to actually insult me, so I do my best not to take his comment to heart and shrug my shoulders.

            “I don’t know what to put on.” He rolls his eyes and sits on the couch next to me, sitting on his knees and touching his shoulder against mine. He takes the remote from my hand and goes about looking for another movie. He once again heads to the kids’ movies section and scrolls through them all once, going back through to choose _Big Hero 6._ “Another kids' movie?” He turns to give me a half-hearted glare before looking back at the screen; I could have sworn I saw a pout on his lips as he looked away. I won’t mention it though.

            “I’m in the mood for them. Do you not want to watch it? I can put something else on.” Waving my arms in front of me, I tell him it’s fine.

            “No, no; I just didn’t know you had such a thing for kids’ movies.” He slumps down against my shoulder a bit before clearly pouting out his next words.

            “I don’t normally watch them, I just feel like it now.” I hum and tell him to put it on so we can finally get comfortable. He does so and puts the remote in its spot on the table and we get into our previous position before dinner; me on my back with Levi on my chest, my arms wrapped securely around him and the blanket on top to keep the heat in.

            The movie plays and we watch through, but, before I know it, my eyes are dropping and my arms loosen around Levi’s body, resting on top of him instead. Eventually, I can’t keep myself coherent and end up falling asleep, not realising that Levi had done so a little earlier than I had.

 

            “Eren, you need to wake up, it’s fucking 9am.” Pleasant waking by an even more _pleasant_ man. Yeah right. I’ve never been much of a morning person, needing some time to become fully aware of my surroundings properly before being able to get up, especially when I’m in an unfamiliar place. I open my eyes to soft sunlight, the curtains blocking most of it as they hadn’t been drawn completely.

            I push back the blanket and sit up on my spot, realising that I was on a couch. Levi’s couch, that’s right. I had stayed the night and we fell asleep while watching a movie. I look up from the blanket and see Levi standing not too far off, where a wall _could_ be placed to separate the kitchen and lounge room behind the couch.

            “Lazy ass, you need to get up. I need to give you breakfast then get you home.” Fuck, that’s right. Shit, what is Mikasa going to say? I didn’t even tell her that I was going to stay out tonight; she has no idea where I am. Fuck, I don’t even want to look at my phone, knowing just how many missed calls and messages I’ll have from her.

            I groan as I push myself up from the couch with one arm, the other rubbing over my face, trying to wake myself up a bit. Standing from the couch, my legs are still a bit sore and numb from yesterday but I make my way over to the kitchen, where Levi had turned and walked into.

            “Is eggs on toast ok for you?” I hum in affirmation and take a seat at the bench stools, still too tired to stand properly and not lose my balance. Levi goes about the kitchen; grabbing out a frypan and 3 pieces of bread – he had asked how many I wanted and I said 1, so he must be having 2. He puts the bread in the toaster and grabs the eggs from the bench to crack and cook them.

            He doesn’t take long and once he’s finished, he plates up and passes mine to me with cutlery. “Thanks, Levi.” He replies it’s no problem and to not make a mess before sitting next to me and tucking in to his food. We eat in silence, Levi eating his food like he’s never been fed before and me taking my time. I wasn’t too hungry anyway. After we finish, Levi takes my plate to the sink and starts washing up everything, telling me to get my shit ready so he can take me back.

            Remembering that I still hadn’t actually taken Levi’s clothes out of my bag, I head over to grab it and make my way to Levi’s bedroom to place it on his mattress. I deem that I have everything once I grab my phone from the kitchen after making my way back out and say this to Levi who was drying his hands on a tea-towel. “I need to grab your clothes from the dryer, one moment.” He takes only half a minute to do so and asks me if I’m sure I have everything after handing my clothes back. Replying that I do, he grabs his keys and wallet from the front table as we make our way to the door, heading into his car.

            “Thank you, Levi.” I’m slightly embarrassed saying this, so I keep my head down, not wanting Levi to see the small tinge of pink colouring my cheeks.

            “I don’t know what you’re thanking me for, but whatever it is, it’s no problem. Did you enjoy yourself at least?” He has no idea how much I did. Being able to relax with Levi and have been able to have such an experience with him did so much good to me. I don’t know how our relationship stands between us, but I don’t want to mess it up; hopefully Levi actually enjoys my company as much as I do his.

            “I did, yeah.” A small, sheepish smile stretches my lips and I have to control myself from making it any larger, not wanting Levi to see just how giddy I am about our situation. After that, we remain silent; not the suffocating silence that you feel the need to break though, the one that is comfortable enough for both people to simply enjoy the presence of the other.

            It doesn’t take long to get back to where Levi usually picks me up and drops me off near Mikasa’s, and once he’s parked, I turn to him to say another thank you while unbuckling and exiting the car. As I’m about to close the door, Levi tells me to not be shy when wanting to talk and to come to him for anything in the future. In return, I smile back, this time with teeth showing.

            Walking down the side walk with my bag over my shoulder, sudden trepidation runs through me. I have to face Mikasa, and possibly her dad, once I arrive. What will she do to me? Will she make me spill everything to her? Will I actually accidentally tell her? What if I do? Levi would never want to see me again for breaking his one rule. He’d even kill me for telling her. Fuck, why do I do this to myself?

            I continue on though, pushing through the stress and walking up to the front door of the house. I didn’t have my keys and, once turning the doorknob, I realise that the door is locked and I’ll have to knock. _So much for the possibility of sneaking to my room and not having to face anyone_. I gather my wits and raise my hand to knock at the door, not having to wait long before it’s opened by a completely unimpressed Mikasa.

            “Where the fuck were you?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay! Another chapter! Let me know what you think in the comments and let me know if anything’s wrong. Leave a like too! Thank you!  
> In regards to getting back into writing at the moment, I am still fairly jet-lagged and am not sure when I'll start properly writing again. Hopefully it will be soon, but I'll just apologise now for the future.


	23. Learning To Secrecy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren goes through Mikasa’s interrogation; big question is: will he snitch on Levi? Or remain true to his word?

            Fear. Complete, unadulterated fear is all that I know in this moment of time as I wither under the stare of Mikasa’s murderous gaze. Like a deer caught in the headlights of a car, I can’t move a single muscle and my eyes are wide in panic and, of course, fear.

            I’ve been in this position before, yet of course under different circumstances; I hadn’t stayed over some guy’s house – that happened to be her family, – fucked them and not given her any warnings that I’d not be coming home or updated her on my whereabouts. The other times this happened was when I’d gotten into fights at school over what she believes to be unnecessarily caused.

            No, this time I’m done for. I might as well just scoot around her and pack my belongings into a small rucksack now, or better yet, say my goodbyes to everyone I know – that being Armin and Mikasa’s dad, perhaps even Hanji and Levi. Although she’d probably kill Levi if I did actually tell her who I was with, but I won’t, because not only did I promise him I wouldn’t, but I also don’t actually want her to know about that.

            Back to the problem at hand though, Mikasa is still standing in the doorway, arms crossed and glaring straight into my soul; a shiver runs through my spine as I refocus again on her. I gulp – hopefully inaudibly – and she steps aside and motions her head to the side in an offer – command – for me to enter the house. I shuck my bag more properly onto my left shoulder and shuffle my way past her.

            “Ok, Eren,” she starts speaking as she walks behind me into the lounge area, “you’d better tell me exactly where you were, what you were doing, and why you thought it’d be perfectly fine to not inform me on _anything_.” I turn to face her as I reach the lounge furthest away from the front door and remain standing – the backs of my legs against the couch cushion – Mikasa stopping at the other couch.

            “Ok, well first, nothing bad happened, ok?” I raise my arms at bent elbow length away from my front and wave my hands to illustrate my words, but if her unchanging _glare_ is anything to go by, I’d say that she isn’t budging one bit with my attempt at consolation. “I just stayed the night at someone’s house, we were safe and sober, I promise. It was completely consensual; we were just having some fun.” Ok, I wasn’t planning on letting out that I had indeed _done the do_ , but I’ve never really been good at outright lying, plus Mikasa knows my indications of lying – red ears.

            “Eren,” deep voice, not good, she’s not relenting, “I’m sure that’s what you think happened, and I don’t give a flying _fuck_ over who you were with either, but please, you can’t start doing this to me again. I can’t stay up worrying over if I’ll see you later, well and unbruised. I don’t like seeing you like this. I’m glad that you were sober, somewhat at least, but you were most likely guilt-tripped into doing it; Eren, what did they force onto you? Are you ripped? Still sore anywhere?”

            “Mikasa, why can’t you just accept for once that I know what I’m doing with my life and listen to what I say and understand that it’s the truth?” I’m no longer submissive, she’s ticked me off by not trusting what I say – something I can’t stand – and now my words are filled with venom, spitting out at her, voice going deep to match my anger. “Everything _was_ consensual, I’m not in any terrible pain that shouldn’t be there after sex, and I was the one that initiated it in the first place, ok? Does that satisfy her majesty? Or do I need to go and get them so that you can interrogate them as well?” I’m near yelling now, my voice surely carrying through the house, hopefully Mikasa’s dad had taken Aysen out, or at least he was out so he didn’t have to hear this, Aysen won’t remember, although would be shaken up.

            “Eren, I’m just worried about your wellbeing-”

            “Well don’t be! Believe it or not, Mikasa, I can actually take care of myself, I practically have been for _10_ _long fucking years_. I’m sick and tired of you smothering me. I’ve been caring for myself for this long, I’m sure that I can continue doing so for the rest of my life.” At the second sentence, I had calmed down after lashing out at her, my voice ending in a choked whisper. I shrug my bag from my shoulder onto the floor on my leg and cover my face with my hands as I slump down onto the edge of the couch. Great, now here comes the regret of everything in my life. This was not in the plan, abort, abort!

            I simply breathe into my hands, raging at myself inside my head, not paying attention to Mikasa and whatever she may be doing. Mikasa is right, I can’t keep doing this to myself, going around and fucking each guy that I come across, drinking myself stupid, getting high so I can’t feel anything. What the actual fuck am I doing to myself? How the fuck did I even get here? What the actual fuck?

            I don’t flinch when the couch beside me dips with the weight of Mikasa, neither when she wraps her arm around my shoulder and leans into my left side. “I’m here for you, Eren. I don’t mean to smother you, but I just care about you a lot, you know that I see you as my brother.” Her voice is calm, soothing, and I listen to what she says, even though her voice is a blurry haze in the back of my mind. “I believe you when you say that you can take care of yourself, at least to some extent, but I’m just in distraught when I see you go through all of this: torturing yourself over and over again.”

            “But, Mikasa, I didn’t torture myself this time, I enjoy my time with him. He’s fun and he accepts me for who I am and what’s happened.” I’m not going to snitch out on Levi; that would just be terribly wrong of me to do so.

            “You’re sure he’s not just using you?”

            “Mikasa, I’m positive. We’d both never felt the pleasure of sex, so we tried it out and it was amazing. I never knew that it could actually feel good.” I’m leaning into her warmth now and we both lean back into the couch, snuggling into each other.

            “I’m so happy for you, Eren.” She hugs my body closer to hers to show just how happy she is and runs her fingers through my hair in a comforting way. She used to do this to me when I’d come crying to her as a child after my dad had beat me, she learnt exactly what would calm me down the quickest and most efficiently.

            “Thank you, Mikasa.”

            “You know it’s no problem at all. So, wanna tell me about this guy? Since you’ve obviously told him about yourself, you must know him for at least a little while.” She pulls back to give me a worried and serious look as she speaks again. “Please tell me you’ve known him for a while, and not just spilled out your entire heart the first time you’ve met.” I look away from her intense gaze as I speak.

            “Um, well, yeah. We’ve been having lunch on the weekends recently, and he even helped me from the street the other weekend too. When I was out all night; he let me stay the night, although I was entirely unconscious and didn’t realise what was happening at the time. He didn’t take advantage of me, don’t worry.” She nods and settles back down.

            “So how’d you two meet then?” Oh, well I can say the truth, since I don’t have to say his name and it could be anyone.

            “Hanji introduced me to him, said that we’d understand each other and that we could hopefully help each other and become friends.”

            “And you two have become more than friends now, huh?” Have we? No, we’re still just friends, the sex was just to check out. Levi never said anything about being involved with each other.

            “No, we’re still friends.”

            “But wouldn’t the sex ruin that?”

            “It was on a good note. Just trying out for pleasure.” I should talk to Levi about this more actually. I don’t know if things have changed relationship-wise between us or not.

            “Well, I don’t know about you, Eren, but usually that is why people have sex: for pleasure. Then it normally leads to more, or the end of a good friendship. For your sake, I hope it doesn’t ruin whatever you two have.” Our friendship won’t be ruined. If anything, it’d be strengthened, surely.

            “I hope so too. We didn’t really discuss the side effects of everything. I hope it doesn’t ruin what we do have, I really do enjoy his company.” Look at me, being a big sap. I haven’t really thought about my relationship with Levi properly. I mean, yeah, I do think to myself that he’s a good friend, one that I do treasure, but could I think of him as more? Could _he_ think of _me_ or even _us_ as more? Surely not, right? No, definitely not.

            Mikasa hums in reply and we sit like that for a while, not feeling the need to move or speak, and mostly – on my part at least – just not even wanting to. Sometime later though, a thought that had come and gone through my head earlier pops up again and I ask Mikasa before I procrastinate on it.

            “Mikasa,” She hums in reply, indicating that she is indeed listening, “where are Aysen and your dad?” She doesn’t move when she replies.

            “Dad took Aysen out with him. Said that since he can’t exactly spend proper time with him during the week then he has to make up for it on the weekend at least. You know how he is.” He really is a good dad to Aysen. Makes me wish that my dad actually was like that. Perhaps he was before mum died?

            “Oh ok, that’s good then.” I don’t know what else to say or do after that, so we end up sitting in silence once again. I’m not sure if it is entirely comfortable for Mikasa, but for me, I am slightly anxious. I don’t know why, but for some reason I am.

            “So what’s the name of the guy you’ve been hanging out with then?” Oh shit, I hope she doesn’t notice me tense up next to her. I have to think of something to dodge the question, or just tell her the truth without saying it’s Levi.

            “I’m not sure he’d exactly like me telling everyone we’ve had sex, Mikasa. He didn’t really seem into the idea of telling the world, let alone one person.” Hopefully she doesn’t suspect anything from that.

            “Wait, you’ve talked about this? Do I know him? Just tell me his name; I’m sure it’s fine.” Shit, she can’t be suspicious, what are the chances that she guesses exactly who it is? Fuck, but what if she does? Mikasa is pretty smart like that.

            “No, I’m sure you don’t know him,” hopefully she didn’t hear the slight hiccup in my voice, “and he was quite specific in me not telling anyone. Probably something about still being in the closet or something, I don’t really know, didn’t want to push him on it either.” I’m not entirely lying, even though it was sort of switched around, apart from him not wanting specifically Mikasa to know.

           “Fine then, if you say so.” Thank god. She leaves it at that and we once again end in a silence, leaning against each other and keeping warm with our shared body heat. This didn’t turn out as bad as I thought it would.

 

            Around an hour or so later, after dozing off a little bit, Mikasa asks if I wanted some lunch and I replied that I did, so we both stand from the couch, stretching out our legs and back from sitting for so long, then make our way to the kitchen. Mikasa asks what I would like and I reply just whatever she’s having, so she says she’ll make us both a sandwich. It’s simple, ham and cheese on the wholemeal bread that was left – we’ll have to tell the next person that goes shopping to buy some more – and a glass of water to go with and eat whilst standing, not using plates since it wasn’t going to make a mess anyway.

            “What time do you think your dad will be home?” I ask Mikasa after I finish my sandwich, holding my glass of water in hand, getting ready to take a sip after I spoke.

            “I’m not sure; he didn’t say how long he’d be out.” Mikasa replies after swallowing the bite she had in her mouth. “He didn’t say where he was going either so that’s no help, hopefully he’s not out too long though.” I hum in agreement and finish off my glass of water. I wash my cup in the sink and place it on the drying rack then proceed to stand there while Mikasa still eats, wanting to go back to my room – sanctuary/safe haven – yet not wanting to leave Mikasa on her own or possibly offend her if she was planning on doing something else.

            “You can go do your own thing, don’t worry, Eren. I know you want to go to your room, you’re like an open book.” I huff out a laugh as I rub the back of my neck in embarrassment and murmur out a small thanks before heading to my room.

            I really need to work on the whole ‘open book’ thing. People know what I’m thinking way too easily. Well, it’s mostly only Armin, Mikasa and Levi so far, but they’re really the only ones that actually go out of their way to mention it to me, so anyone else could be able to see right through me, yet not mention that fact to my face. Great.

            Once I get into my room, I shut the door and strip off my clothes. Taking off my jumper then shirt first, I head over to the thin, wall length mirror at the end of my bed and check out the number that Levi did to me. I knew that he left marks on my body, a few sucks and small bites here and there along with his grip on my hips. My hips luckily don’t have any bad bruises, but they do have a slight redness to them, along with my collar bones that have a few darker red patches. Thanks, Levi.

            Sighing, I take off my pants and lie down on my bed, getting under the covers since the house does have quite a chill to it. Stretching my arms above my head, I use my hands as a headrest and stare at the ceiling, relaxing and thinking about the events of this weekend, just how fucked I am, how Levi will react next time we meet or speak, would he even speak to me again? Fuck.

            But what Mikasa had said, that this sort of thing usually leads to more or the end of a relationship. I’m sure that Levi doesn’t feel anything of the sort for me, and I’m positive that I don’t for him. Well, I haven’t thought of it but I’m not going to start entertaining any ideas any time soon. Fuck, what if I do end up feeling more for him though? How the fuck would I deal with that?

            No, I’m positive nothing will come of this relationship with Levi, it’s not possible. He doesn’t feel anything and neither do I.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Here’s the next chapter finally! Sorry for the short chapter and not posting it last week. Hope you enjoyed it. Sorry if it wasn’t as good, I didn’t really know what to write, and I haven’t started the next chapter either, so I don’t know how long that’ll be. Hopefully not long. See you guys next time!
> 
> Remember: like and subscribe please!


	24. Learning To Deceive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi and Eren just keep spending time together but, as always, not everything goes quite as smoothly as planned.

 

            Pleasant. That’s a feeling that is rare for me to feel, yet somehow I am in a peaceful bliss at this moment of time. It is Wednesday after school and I am lying in my bed without a single negative thought bothering me; sure they’re running through my head, but I’m not paying any attention to them.

            Why am I able to actually not succumb to the destructive thoughts of my mind for once? One reason, probably. Levi. He’d just texted me after not having done so since our weekend together and dealing with Mikasa. I didn’t have the courage to message him, worried if he’d even want to speak to me again after what we’d done, but he – as usual – messaged first and now I don’t have to worry too much.

            He’d asked how I was and if Mikasa had killed me after not having informed her of my whereabouts on Saturday and I’m just getting around to replying to him now.

           

            **You – 4:37pm, Wednesday, 13/11**

**I’m fine, thank you. Apart from the initial fight, everything went well with Mikasa.**

Hitting send, I hold my phone to my chest as I lay on my back and continue to stare at the ceiling, but, before long, Levi replies and I’m quick to check the message.

 

**Levi Ackerman – 4:39pm, Wednesday, 13/11**

**Mikasa was a pretty defensive person; I’m not surprised that she’s still like that. How are you feeling after it all? Were you still sore at all?**

Levi doesn’t really have any boundaries does he? His question makes me blush but I reply truthfully anyway, even if the question does cause me to be embarrassed.

 

**You – 4:41pm, Wednesday, 13/11**

**I’m not sore anymore, was sensitive on Sunday though, but nothing too bad.**

**Levi Ackerman – 4:42pm, Wednesday, 13/11**

**Ok, as long as you’re fine then. Did you want to come over again this weekend?**

 

He still wants to see me, even after what we did? Maybe Mikasa was right then: Levi does have feelings for me. Or maybe I’m actually right, and there’s nothing changed between us. I hope I’m right, I don’t know how I’d react if Levi did feel something more for me. I still don’t even know how I really feel for him; I’m not that in tune with my emotions.

 

**You – 4:45pm, Wednesday, 13/11**

**Sure, what time?**

**Levi Ackerman – 4:46pm, Wednesday, 13/11**

**I’ll pick you up in the afternoon probably. I’ll update you on how I go, ok?**

I respond with an ‘ok, see you then’ and he replies with a ‘bye’ and that he has to go to work. That’s right. He works at the strip club. I haven’t been there in a while now and neither has it really come up in conversation between Levi and me or been in my thoughts. I’d forgotten all about it. Well, that’s not what makes Levi, Levi, so it doesn’t really matter.

I turn my phone off after that and place it on my bedside table, hooking it up to its charger since it was getting a bit low – since I don’t use it often, I don’t charge it every day, maybe every few days at most. Lying back down on my back, I rest my hands on my stomach and continue to stare at the ceiling as I had been before Levi messaged me.

Feelings are weird. I mean, how do you know exactly how you feel about someone? I’ve heard that infatuation is when you believe that everything about the person is perfect and nothing could go wrong with them at all, but that often ends up failing once you realise that no, they do have faults and then you instantly can’t stand them or simply don’t ‘like’ them anymore.

Then love – if love even is a thing – is when you know that they have faults, but that’s ok. Yet from the moment we’re born, we’re shoved onto this ideology of relationships. From the moment we even first make contact with another _baby_ of the opposite gender, we’re told that we must have a ‘crush’ on them for even smiling at them. So, what do we do? We act on that role. We do as we think we must, little boys giving little girls flowers and a kiss on the cheek. Little girls acting like they expect no less and only more.

What do they expect them to actually do? They think that they like them, simply because they are told they have to. They believe from the moment it starts, that you can’t make a friend with the opposite gender, because that means you have to ‘date’ them. This is why feelings are so misunderstood. Yet, what happens when we understand our feelings, and don’t feel it towards the opposite gender? Or only the opposite gender?

That’s when shit gets real confusing. Yet, of course, I hadn’t really been brought up in a normal household. I had my mother being a responsible parent and not doing this to me when I’d play with Mikasa, so we’d been able to actually be proper friends. But the way I saw the male gender had changed when my father started touching me. I had thought that what if all men were like this? But for some strange, fucked up reason, it hadn’t scared me away, because for some strange, completely fucked up reason, I did have an attraction to the ‘male’ physique, and was simply more curious.

That’s fucked up. Being raped yet you don’t back down from curiosity.

I’ve gone off track now… what was I thinking about again? Oh yeah, feelings. It’s strange how thoughts completely wander like that. But seriously, what the fuck do I even feel for Levi. We fucked, so I gotta have some sort of attraction other than that he has a dick, right?

Perhaps I do feel something more for him though. I mean, it could be because he is kind to me and has gone through somewhat similar things to me. We met on strange terms, and that is usually a great ice breaker for relationships, so that would be why we are quite so easy with each other, and that could be another ‘feelings generator’.

Yet what if he felt something towards me? There’s no reason for him to. I mean, I’m a bratty teenager that has no benefit for him. Why would there even be the possibility of harboured feelings on his end? Why would Mikasa even entertain that thought? It’s not possible, and I’m not going to even take the possibility any further than that.

So, with those positive thoughts buzzing through my head, I make my way out of the guest room and into the kitchen as I am summoned by Mikasa for dinner.

 

 

**Levi Ackerman – 5:27pm, Saturday, 16/11**

**I’m on the corner, come out.**

I’d been waiting all day for this message and I can’t say that I’m not worried or disappointed at him being late, or at least later than what I had expected. I push it to the back of my mind however as I tell Mikasa that I’m going out and am not sure if I’ll be coming back home or staying out and make my way to the corner that Levi normally drops me off.

As I walk around to the corner I see his car lights and my pace speeds up a bit, excited to see Levi again, yet not wanting to make it obvious; my mind luckily doesn’t get anxious over the fact that we had sex and of what he’d think about that or for me.

He leans over and opens the door for me when I get close and that makes it much easier – and less likely for me to be clumsy and mess up opening a car door; yes it’s happened – and I hop right in and close the door behind myself.

“How was your day, Eren?” He speaks as I settle myself in the car and buckle my belt.

“Nothing exciting. Just hanging around the house. How about you?” I’m not going to mention his tardiness; he probably planned to come at this time. He starts the car back up and pulls off the curb as he listens then replies.

“Yeah, much the same as you, except Hanji decided to come over and bother me, but that’s nothing unusual.” He only takes his eyes off the road once when he spoke to look at me and smirk as he spoke of Hanji. I wonder just how close those two are and how long they’d known each other exactly. Hanji must know him very well for them to be one of his friends; he doesn’t seem to make friends everywhere he goes exactly. Trust issues perhaps? No, surely not; he’d known me for only a week or so properly before he’d told me about himself, but we were introduced on those terms really.

We remain in silence for a while before I realise that we weren’t going the way to his place and I’m honestly worried as to where he is taking me. I’m not sure if I should ask him though. What if he’s taking me to his secret slaughter-house to chain me up with his other victims? No, surely not. He hasn’t made any indications to being a murderer. But, I’m sure that murderers don’t really give off that vibe though, so maybe he actually is.

“What’s wrong?” I flinch when Levi questions me and fake a confused look at him, in turn questioning him as to why he asked that. “You’re fidgeting and even more quiet than before, so: what’s wrong?” Shit, I didn’t realise I’d been fidgeting, fuck.

“Well, we’re not on the way to your place-”

“No, we’re not.” He interrupts me and I’m too scared to continue. “Sorry, you can continue, it’s just kinda obvious that we’re not heading to mine, since we are on the highway and all.” Looking out the window, I realise that yes, we actually are and in my panic I hadn’t noticed. “So, what else did you have to say?”

“U-um, just that I had been worried as to where you were even taking me.” I now am conscious of my fidgeting as I play with the hem of my t-shirt, not looking towards Levi at all and keeping my head down, my body completely tense, especially my shoulders.

“What did you have in mind?” Confused, I raise my head and look over to Levi, not understanding quite what he was meaning – whether he was asking if I wanted to go somewhere or if I was thinking where he was taking me. “What were you thinking?”

“A slaughter-house.” Fuck, now he knows. What the fuck is wrong with me? Saying whatever the fuck comes to mind. Fuck. I look out the window so that Levi can’t see the horror filled expression on my face. As I hear chuckling though, I slowly turn my head back to him in worry.

“Fuck, really, Eren? You thought I was going to take you to be killed? Fuck.” He continues to chuckle and fuck if that isn’t the most beautiful sound I’ve ever heard. Fuck, ok, no I don’t have feelings for him. I can’t have feelings for him. That’s wrong, he’s just a friend; I don’t want to make this weird or ruin what we have.

I nervously chuckle along with him at my own stupidity and eventually full on laugh along with him. He has to drive with one hand every now and then as he wipes at his eyes with the other. He must be one of those people that tear up when they laugh a lot; I’d never have thought him to be like that. He’s normally pretty stoic and only shows his soft or approachable side when in a dire situation, such as when one or both of us are in a sensitive mood.

“Do you want to know where we’re actually going?” I nod in answer but after seeing that he wasn’t looking at me – ever focused on the road the safe guy – I hum in affirmation. “Well, you’ll see.” Wow. He smirks after he says that, thinking he’s so cool. He sends a quick grin my way, showing me that he really is being a little cheek, and I can’t help but smile back. Once he’s turned back to the road, though, I simply smile to myself, looking out at the trees flashing by, noticing that we’re heading into more farmland type areas.

“Uh, Levi?” He hums for me to continue, “Seriously, where are we going?”

“I want it to be a surprise. Don’t worry, I’m not going to hurt you.”

 

_Backing against my wall, I’m cornered by the monster that has taken over my father. Why wasn’t I smarter than to actually back myself into a wall? There’s no going back now, I have no idea what he’s going to do to me, but it can’t be good, nothing he’s done to me so far since mum’s died has been good. What else can he do to me now other than hit and kick me?_

_As he slinks closer to me, he reaches his hand out to me and I back further against the wall, curling into myself at the same time to get away from his hand that has laid terror upon terror upon my body and skin. He grabs my upper arm and pulls it away from my body where I’d turned from him so that he can man-handle me up and onto my slack legs._

_I hang from him as he lifts me up and drags me over to my bed – he’d barged into my room without a word as I was reading on the floor – and throws me down on top of the covers. As he looms over me his breath fans over my face and I can smell that putrid stench that he almost always has when he does this to me – I realise later that it was alcohol._

_“D-dad, what are you doing? Why are you doing this?!” He doesn’t usually take me to my bed, normally he just hits me while I’m standing or on the floor, why has he taken me to a comfortable surface? His hands move to my body and I scoot away from him, across to the head of the bed against the corner – why am I always cornering myself? He makes a sort of hissing sneer as he lunges towards me and pulls me back to him at the edge of the bed._

_“Don’t fucking move, Eren!” There are tears streaking down my cheeks, but I can’t sob, I won’t let him have the satisfaction of knowing that I conceded to letting out sounds of pain. If he even likes that, I still don’t even know why he hurts me._

_He reaches for my body once again and starts to pull at my clothes, especially my pants. He practically rips them off with the ferocity that he yanks at them and then actually tears my underwear as he rips them off as well. I have no idea what he’s doing and I kick at his hands the best I can; the problem is that I’m just a scrawny 12 year old that is up against a full grown male almost twice my size and heavily intoxicated; I’m nothing against his strength._

_Once he’d shred me of my pants, his hands move to his own, unzipping his fly and pulling out – oh god. What is he doing? My father has never done this before, we never fully undressed right in front of each other before in our family, why’s he doing so now? And why did he have to undress me? What is he doing?_

_“Dad, what are you doing?!” His penis was larger than usual and sticking up on nearly its own accord, I don’t know entirely why he’s taking it out. He has his penis in one hand and grabs at my right leg with his left hand, flipping me over to my stomach and pulling my rear towards him._

_“Don’t worry, Eren, I’m not going to hurt you.” It’s obvious why I didn’t believe him, after everything that he’d done to me so far, there was no way that I could have any trust in him when he was in such a mood. That night, was the first upon many others that I knew what it really felt like to be ripped from the inside out. Not only physically, but also mentally._

“ _Eren?_ Eren!” In a daze, I hear my name being called out, but I can’t focus on it. My hearing isn’t so well, and I can only faintly feel a hand on my shoulder shaking me, but my vision is still blurry. “Eren, can you hear me? Nod your head if you can hear me at all.” I can’t really control my muscles, but it’s enough to get a slight bob of my head and then the hand on my shoulder turns into a body hugging me from the side.

Why am I being hugged? Did something happen? Where am I? Who even is this? My vision has somewhat cleared up and I can see the black hair of the person against my side, their arms around my body are squeezing around me, holding themselves up as well so that they don’t simply flop onto me. Wait, black hair? Mikasa? Am I with Mikasa? No, they’re too small, and Mikasa normally hugs me _to_ her. What was I doing?

Levi. I was with Levi. We’re in his car, or were? Are we still in his car? Taking a quick look to my side that isn’t being hugged, I can confirm that I am still in a car. Where were we going? I don’t know, he didn’t tell me. I was worried that he’d kill me, and then he said it was a surprise. Then – oh. I blanked out. He said he wouldn’t hurt me, and to not worry. I’d heard that phrase uttered so many times. I must have blacked out over that.

Levi pulls himself back and upright again, looking over my face as he places his hands on each of my cheeks. He stares into my eyes for a moment, and after seeing whatever he must’ve been looking for, he sighs and places his forehead just below my chin.

“Eren, I was so worried, are you ok now?” He pulls back once again and looks worriedly at my face. I’m not sure if I can quite talk properly so instead I just nod. “Did you want to go home?” Why would I want to go home if I can spend time with Levi? I shake my head with wide eyes and he huffs out a small laugh. “You seem pretty insistent that we don’t. We can continue, we’re not too far now.” Looking outside once again, I notice that we’re on the side of the road practically in the middle of nowhere; no tall buildings are seen and no main roads either. Why would he bring us here?

“L-levi…” He answers a ‘yes’ for me to continue, “where are we?” I’m seriously going along the lines of a murderer taking me to his slaughter-house.

“Ok, I’ll tell you since you’re obviously actually worried. We’re just going to an open field where no one ever goes so we can… stargaze.” Stargaze? That’s… so thoughtful. And sweet. Wow. I wonder why he thought to do this? “We’ll keep going, yeah?” I nod and he starts up the car again and turns back onto the road.

It’s not long before we’re pulling over again and Levi puts the car in park and turns off the engine, turning to me. He tells me that we’re here and to help him grab some stuff from the boot of the car. I go out with him and circle to the back to see that inside there are blankets and a few cans of drink.

“I thought that we could lie on the hood of the car?” Wow. This is pretty… romantic. I look over to Levi only to see him already watching me with a nervous expression; perhaps he is actually interested in me? People that have only just met don’t normally do this… right? “You don’t have to if you don’t want; I just thought it’d be warmer.”

“No, this is really nice, thank you, Levi.” He lets out a low breath and we take out everything from the boot, Levi taking the drinks and myself taking the blankets. Closing the boot, Levi and I make our way to the bonnet and slide on, careful not to drop anything. Once we’re settled, we place our items beside us and get into a more comfortable position; leaning against the windshield with the drinks in the middle and the blankets over our legs.

“What would you like to drink, Eren?” Levi motions to the drinks and there’s a selection of either lemonade or Fanta. No alcohol. Of course. I take a Fanta and crack it open, Levi settles for lemonade. We settle back more comfortably against the windshield and pull the blankets up closer, protecting ourselves from the cold.

“Levi,” I turn my head to look at him and he hums to show that he’s listening as he also looks over. “What does this mean?” He gives me a confused look, obviously not understanding what _I_ mean. I don’t even really know what I mean. “All this,” I motion around us, “why did you bring me here?” I’m confusing myself now, not understanding just why Levi would do all this.

“I come here when I need to relax.” His voice is sombre, speaking down to his lap and I can’t help but move closer to him, wanting to comfort him in his sudden mood drop. “I don’t actually know why I thought that this would be a good idea, I’m sorry.” I’ve never seen Levi like this, doubting himself and not being in either a smug, angry or somewhat pleasant mood. How do I help him?

“No, Levi this is great. Thank you. It obviously means a lot to you. It’s a beautiful place.” Still not looking at me, I decide to scoot even closer to him – mindful of the drinks – and wrap my arms around his back and stomach, pushing my face into the back of his neck and snuggling his body to me. I don’t really know how to deal with people when they’re like this, but Levi seems to like cuddles, so that’s what I can do for him.

It’s a nice night, Levi was smart in bringing us here, especially with blankets and drink; there is a definite chill in the air. I raise my head from Levi’s neck and look around; there’s a house and barn at least a few kilometres away, so it’s not possible that anyone will see us, unless of course they drive past. Taking in the view around us, there’s not a single light anywhere near – except that house – so the sky is an absolutely spectacular view. The stars are so clear and bright.

I guess that this really is Levi’s special spot where he can just get away from everything. What does this mean for him to bring me to such a sacred spot for himself? Smiling to myself, I lay down, pulling Levi down with me, and hold him close to my chest, taking one arm away so that I can pull the blankets up more around us.

Levi’s face being in my chest, I push my own face into his hair again and basically wrap my whole body around him, needing him to know that he’s safe and that I appreciate everything he’s done. Unless he’s really good at hiding it, he doesn’t seem to be panicking if the lack of laboured breathing is anything to go by, so that must be a good sign.

“Levi?” He doesn’t verbally answer, instead pushes his body closer to mine, in the process hiding himself even more under the blankets and my body. “Thank you for this.” He has to know that this is the best thing anyone has done for me. “This is all so beautiful.” I speak quietly into his hair, not wanting to disturb the peace and quiet around us. “Can you please look at me?” I have to wait a few moments before he concedes and pulls back a little to raise his face to me. It’s too dark to see his face clearly, but that doesn’t matter, as long as I know that he is facing me.

I don’t know how to go about this; why did I want him to even look at me? What was I going to do once he did? I can’t see his face clearly so I can’t exactly tell what he’s feeling at the moment after what had happened. I don’t have to think about it for too long though, because before I know it, Levi has moved his right arm – the one that he’s not laying on – around to the back of my head and cards his fingers through my hair, gently pulling my face down to his so that our foreheads touch.

“Does this mean anything, Levi?” I really need to know if he has any other feelings for me; I don’t know how to act around him properly.

“I don’t understand what you mean, Eren.”

“Do you… do you feel something more for me?” Shit, I didn’t actually mean to say that. Fuck. I always have to say the truth and just spurt it out. Fuck he’s not saying anything, what the fuck did I do. Why am I always like this, what the fuck?

“I… don’t. I’m sorry if you do, Er-”

“Oh, no! I don’t have any romantic feelings for you either. I just really don’t understand how to act around you. M-mikasa said that relationships normally change when the people have sex, and I was really worried.” Why am I spurting all of my thoughts and feelings to him? Why does this always happen with him?

“Well, we don’t have to change at all, Eren. That was just something for the both of us to enjoy. We can do it more, but we’re not going to be based on that alone. We can still be normal friends if you want.” N-nothing will change. Mikasa was wrong. Everything will be the same.

Relieved after hearing that, I hug Levi even more, pulling him even closer – if that’s even possible – than before and squishing him to me.

“Whoa, Eren, careful you’re going to break me!” He warns but doesn’t struggle to get away, either way I let up on the squeezing. We relax after that and Levi gently nudges me so I’m lying on my back, moving himself so that he is in the same position, sidled up against my side. “Look at all the stars, Eren. Aren’t they amazing?”

Following his instruction, I turn my head to face the sky, the stars shining brighter than ever before. You don’t see these types of views when you’re in the suburbs or city, there’s too much light. Here, in the practical outback, with no lights anywhere near, the night sky is the brightest and clearest it can get.

“Hey, Eren?” Levi speaks up after a few minutes of basking in the beauty and I hum for him to continue. “Thank you.” I don’t know why he’s thanking me, but I don’t want to ruin this peaceful moment with my questions again, so instead I stay silent, understanding for once that not everything needs an answer.

            With the blankets wrapped around both our bodies and cuddled up close to each other to share body heat – the temperature had dropped a few degrees, but it’s not quite freezing – Levi and I remain in the tranquil scene. For once, I have been able to meet full peace and bask in it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Holidays and a Merry Christmas to everyone! Another chapter! Yay! I’m so sorry for this one, guys. I had no idea what to write and then this shit basically just spurted out, I don’t even know really. If you wanna know a bit about me and how I write, most of it isn’t planned, it seriously just happens by accident and I’m too lazy to delete it and fix it all. So then you have this depressing and preachy stuff.
> 
> Eren’s thought process at the beginning after his texting with Levi was simply my thoughts going on rampage, if it wasn’t for me remembering that I am actually writing a story and he wasn’t originally thinking about that, then it would have gone on forever, much like this authors note that I’ve just realised is really long. Sorry guys.
> 
> Just to let you all know, I'll be going on a short hiatus of at least 3-4 weeks because I am going over seas. I don't know if it will only be that long until the next chapter though since I haven't even started the next chapter, but let's hope that it won't be long after those weeks.
> 
> Like and subscribe or bookmark. Thanks, as always, for reading!


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